Boston Market

Almost everybody likes to eat dinner. Problem is, not everybody can cook. There used to not be too many options for kitchen incompetents craving a home-cooked meal. They had to either hire a personal chef, or else just show up at someone's house right as dinner was about to be served (the "Fonzie" technique).

Then in the 1990s, Boston Market exploded onto the scene.

Have you been eating nothing but burgers and pizza? or hitting the Taco Bell drive-thru three times a day? Now you can stop and pick up some homestyle meatloaf and mashed potatoes on the way home.

I say homeSTYLE because it is definitely not homeMADE. If you haven't been to Boston Market yet, imagine what would happen if the staff at McDonalds tried to cook a Thanksgiving turkey. Using ingredients that were delivered in a truck. (If that idea appeals to you, they do now offer catering, by the way.)

Of course the main thing Boston Market is known for is the chicken. Because when you think of Boston, naturally you think of chicken. It is the crown jewel of Massachusetts cuisine, along with cheesy grits and shoe fly pie.

Ever since the big Jared craze, most fast food outlets nowadays try to offer customers a healthier alternative. Taco Bell has the "Drive-Thru Diet" menu. KFC will grill your chicken instead of frying it. Even McDonalds now serves apples to millions of disappointed children.

Not to be outdone, Boston Market has changed things up as well. Except instead of going low-salt or low-fat, they now offer customers the opportunity to "get it saucy," which means that you can have your chicken slathered in one of five disgusting-looking sauces. To be fair, I haven't actually tried them. But judging from the commercial they look like they were only meant to have a nugget or other by-product dipped into them. Are there people that want "Island Mojo" sauce on their ENTIRE ROTISSERIE BIRD?

You can also have the new sauces added to any menu item you wish. I guess this is out of consideration for pregnant ladies. Sometimes you just get a craving for BBQ sauce on your creamed spinach. When this happens, Boston Market is happy to meet your needs.

So what's my verdict on Boston Market? I officially rate them as "could be worse!" The name has got to go, though. People usually don't like Boston unless they live there. You know, because of the Patriots and accents. They should made a subtle change to "Boss M." Then later "The Boss!"

Hungry Family: What's for dinner?

Working Mom: I picked up some Waffle Wraps and Meatloaf Dippers from the Boss!

Hungry Family: Hooray!

(Waffle Wraps and Meatloaf Dippers TM 2010, Captain Dan)

Scrooge McDuck

Lots of problems with this guy. First of all, his name is "Scrooge." What the fuck? Have you ever had or been a baby? You don't name a kid that.

and then even the last name. "McDuck." There's Donald DUCK, Daisy DUCK, Huey Dewey and Louie DUCK, and then suddenly Scrooge MCduck. Where did he get that? He's a RELATIVE.

(Donald and Daisy same last name? Are they married? or is that why they CAN'T marry? Curious.)

So I figured Scrooge McDuck was only invented to be the main character in the Disney version of "A Christmas Carol." Nope. He was actually around for about half a century before that, appearing in comic books (there were Disney comic books?) until they finally decided to do the Christmas thing and have Scrooge play Scrooge. Someone at Disney must have been like "Who can play Scrooge? Oh wait we just happen to have a SCROOGE McDuck! Perfect."

By the way, the Disney version is officially titled "Mickey's Christmas Carol." WHAT? How about "Scrooge McDuck's Christmas Carol?" Total Richie/Fonzie situation right there.

So basically Scrooge McDuck was a JERK, then the Christmas Carol stuff happened, so he became a nice guy and went on to star in "Duck Tales." Problem there is that "A Christmas Carol" is set in the 1800s so hmmmm. Was the Disney version supposed to be in the 1980s? He wasn't watching TV in it. Nobody was wearing a headband or a Flashdance sweatshirt.

Scrooge McDuck liked to swim in his mountain of gold coins. Try doing that. I know that ducks are good swimmers but geez. Pretty fake.

Why does Donald Duck dress like that? Isn't he in the military? I have never seen a Naval officer wearing a gigantic red bow tie. Then again I was never in the Navy. Do they also tend to not wear pants? Goofy was always fully dressed. He's another one whose parents stuck him with quite the name.

Poor Goofy, he never had a chance.

Oil leak plugged!

Well they finally did it. and it only took half a year. But the oil leak is plugged, and somewhere in our lifetime it will be safe to use the Gulf again. Hopefully there is still some oil left in the earth.

Always one to turn a negative into a positive, I think MAYBE we can salvage some good from this mess if we use it as a reminder to not be wasteful. We only get to ever have one environment, at least until moon times come. So we have to be careful not to cause waste and work together to protect and preserve what we still have. How can YOU help? Well, I'm sure if you look around your home or business or snoop around in your neighbor's yard you will discover a lot of wasteful elements in our culture. Here are some examples.

#1 there are a lot of wastes of PAPER. Who in hell still needs a phone book? Old people, and they're gonna die soon anyway. Look at how big and heavy a phone book is. It probably takes a whole tree to make just ONE. That is not right. Also why are computer magazines still being published? Nobody is reading about computers in a magazine, including computer nerds. They just read stuff on computers instead. So, get them out. (The magazines, not the nerds. Nerds are needed, like it or not.)

We also need to stop wasting FOOD. Restaurants should stop making those huge trays of desserts that nobody eats. Watermelon-eating contests are unnecessary, stop having them. If you build a snowman, use a button for the nose, not a carrot.  If you spill milk, you SHOULD cry over it.

Let's get rid of pennies! They are a waste of copper. We could be making PIPES with that.

and most of all, people should stop wasting fossil fuels.They are NON-RENEWABLE. That means you only get so much, like back when restaurants used to not refill sodas and you had to make it last.

For more information on how to help save the environment, contact your local hippie.

For information on moon colonies, e-mail me.

Latest opinions and facts

Rock stars like to fake being done. Other jobs can't do that. Imagine a police officer questioning a bunch of suspects. Then you clap and he questions another one.

Dogs don't know any hiccup cures. They just have to wait. You can TRY sneaking up on a dog and popping a paper bag behind its head I guess, but I bet you won't be able to pull it off. If you do, youtube it though.

Old people can't open jars. But they all have really hard-to-open medicine bottles. They have no physical strength, but they have secret old person finesse. That's why they are still allowed to be President sometimes.

On birthdays you eat cake. On holidays you eat pie. I want a pudding occasion. If you get fired from your job everyone should come over with pudding. You'll need it.

Cereal prizes are way different than they used to be. You open cereal and get 500 free hours of internet service that you don't want or need. or a "People That Lost on American Idol" CD. It used to be better stuff, like stickers and decoder rings. Change it back.

Cow-tipping is frowned upon for a lot of reasons, but sexism is not one of them. It should be. Nobody tips a bull.

VCRs were considered difficult to program. Now they are obsolete. I don't like that some people got away with never learning. They should have to teach it in school, like how they still teach long division and cursive writing. "Why do we have to learn this?" Wouldn't work out though because even the teachers never knew. The VCR in class was always blinking "12:00." The only people that could program VCRs were astronauts and certain scientists.

Birds get spooked too easily. All happy, about to eat a worm, then you walk nearby and they fly about one-hundred miles away. Imagine that, about to eat a hamburger and within seconds you sprint halfway across the state. Hamburger totally not around, you're never getting it back.

Why is belly-flopping into the pool not considered an actual sport? Cannonballing too. Who determined that it was only okay to hit the water in certain ways? It's all skill. Let's radically change up the world of competitive diving. Some stuffy guy wearing a suit and tie in a diving rules office would be so mad.

The Founding Fathers

Well, once again it is the 4th of July. America's most injurious holiday. But it is NOT just about people getting their heads blown off in fireworks mishaps. It is a celebration of our INDEPENDENCE. Here's a quick rundown of the people who made it possible.

George Washington

The first President! Best known for having wooden teeth. Really think about that for a second. Eating corn on the cob or Jolly Ranchers with wooden teeth. Teeth that you could set on FIRE if you wanted to. (Nickname: G-Money.)

Thomas Jefferson

The THIRD President. Best known for being very patient. He sent his minions Lewis and Clark to find the parts of America that weren't known or cared about yet. The results were disappointing.

"What did you find?"

"Oregon."

He died on the 4th of July, but amazingly it was not fireworks-related. (Nickname: Tom the Bomb.)

Benjamin Franklin

This guy was a pimp. He put Tiger Woods to shame. He also invented almost everything, including electricity and mail. For some reason he was never the President, but that's okay. He tried his best. (Nickname: B-Frank.)

Betsy Ross

Made the flag. She did not sign the Declaration of Independence because women were not allowed to sign things back then. It was probably for the best because women's signatures never look too official. All those unnecessary loops and hearts. Some people say that she didn't make the flag REALLY, but those people should shut-up. What, is Santa Claus dead too? (Nickname: None, she was a girl.)

Mark Twain

Not actually a Founding Father. But still a great man. He wrote Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn, and a way-less-popular version of the Bible that got thrown out. He is also considered to be one of the first COMEDIANS, but he died before comedy was popular. (Nickname: Sammy.)

Alexander Hamilton

Got drunk at a party and was talking shit about a guy named "Aaron Burr," who had been getting trounced in various Presidential and Gubernatiorial elections. With nothing left to lose, Aaron Burr was like "Oh YEAH, let's have a DUEL big-mouth!" and Alexander Hamilton was like "Fine." So they went to New Jersey one morning and did the thing. There was a brief conversation.

"Ready to DUEL you JERK?"

"Yes, you IDIOT."

"I AM GOING TO SHOOT YOU."

"Not if I shoot you FIRST."

"YOU ARE MAKING ME MAD!"

"Calm down."

"NEVER!"

Then they fired. Hamilton shot a tree, Burr shot Hamilton. But Aaron Burr ain't never been on money, so who REALLY won? (The answer: Burr.)

Alexander Hamilton was also the first ever Secretary of the TREASURY, but did not steal. George Washington always counted the money when his shift was over, and it was right every time. (Nickname: Hambone.)

For more information on the Founding Fathers you can go to wikipedia or school.

Enjoy the 4th! But let's all be SAFE. No throwing firecrackers in the potato salad. No sparkler jousts.