Halloween: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted October 30, 2007)

Okay it's time once again for the stupidest day of the year so everybody dump your candy in the punchbowl and let's get this over with.


TIPS FOR DEALING WITH TRICK-OR-TREATERS

1) No chit-chat.  Just give up the goods and let them go.  The kids are trying to get to as many houses as possible, they don't need to be stopping at every one to have their costumes evaluated and commented on.

2) If you encounter any Halloween "cheaters" (kids not wearing costumes, kids showing up at your house twice, kids that are bigger than you) just give them candy and send them on their way.  We're trying to get through this without incident.  a one-cent piece of candy is not worth taking a "stance."

3) Don't use the "honor system," which is when some fool just leaves the bowl of candy outside with a "PLEASE TAKE ONLY ONE :) " note.  You know what will happen.


THE BIG LIST OF BAD HALLOWEEN CANDY

Even though Halloween blows you are still obligated as a taxpayer to buy some decent candy to share.  If I hear about anybody giving out anything from the following list of crap I am gonna have to say some shit.

NECCO WAFERS
MALLOW CUPS
GOOD & PLENTY
SUGAR DADDIES
SUGAR BABIES
CANDY CORN
DOUBLE BUBBLE
CHARLESTON CHEWS
MIKE & IKES
MILK DUDS
POPCORN BALLS
CHOCOLATE SUCKERS THAT TASTE LIKE ASS
HALLOWEEN-THEMED PEEPS
MINTS
WHOPPERS
GENERIC M&Ms
BIT O'HONEY
LEFTOVER EASTER CRAP
RAISINS

It's a once-a-year thing.  Spend $20, you cheapskate.

Also I know a lot of old people like to make up special little Halloween baggies for all the kids with various "treats" inside.  If you want to waste your time doing that, go ahead, but you still gotta put good stuff in there.  Not just some cheap foil-wrapped chocolates and a homemade Rice Krispie square.

Speaking of which, maybe you are really awesome at baking cookies or brownies or something and think it's okay to give that out in lieu of store-bought candy.  Well, don't do that.  Kids think cookies and brownies are good but it's not really in the spirit of the holiday.  It's like watching porn instead of fireworks on the 4th of July.


REMEMBER TO TAKE DOWN YOUR HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS

If you are the kind of fool that likes to gussy up your house with witches and skeletons for the "big day" make sure you get rid of that garbage no later than November 1st.  If you think your hilarious "I.M. Dead" tombstone is something everybody needs to see up until the week of Thanksgiving you are DEAD wrong.  (Get it?)

and by the way if you insist on decorating your lawn with fake Halloween tombstones you should at least be funny and use real people's names on them.  Like go through the obituary section of the newspaper or something.


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Where is the Snuggie?

With the weather turning colder, it should be Snuggie season.  But I haven't seen any around.  and I go to a LOT of bars and football games.

What, are they out of vogue now?  Snuggie-mania was sweeping the nation just two years ago!  and what about all those investors?  There must be chaos on Wall Street.

Why would people get tired of the Snuggie?  It's not a case like VCRs or religion where you upgrade and move ahead, it's a blanket!  With sleeves!  What, you're not cold anymore?  Did those dorm rooms become less drafty all of a sudden?

So it must be a fashion thing.  No one wants to be SEEN wearing a Snuggie.  Why?  Because it looks ridiculous?  IT LOOKED RIDICULOUS TWO YEARS AGO.  and nobody cared.

Some other ridiculous things people have worn:

- Parachute pants

- Flip-down shades

- Bow ties

- Overalls

- Galoshes

- Windbreakers

- Doo rags

- Corduroy

- Paper trainee hats

- Smoking jackets

- Poodle skirts (WHY A POODLE?)

- Curlers (in the hair)

- Adult diapers

- Medallions

- Scarves (on the head)

- Big barrels with suspenders

- Capes

- Fanny packs

- Underoos

- Crowns


So I guess once again time has moved on and the Snuggie will soon be a footnote from a forgotten era.  They should put one in the Smithsonian right next to Fonzie's jacket.

...and Daisy Duke's shorts.

...and Twiggy's skeleton.

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a very bad thing happened: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted October 25, 2007)

This morning I was all about cooking up some EGGS with cheese and tomatoes and jalapenos and sausage and maybe a bagel with some butter, kind of a perfect breakfast except I didn't have any potatoes around to make home fries but oh well, but then there was a BAD INCIDENT which was that I cracked an egg and the clear part of the egg quickly glooped out and landed on the stove and inside and UNDERNEATH the burner.

As you might imagine I was like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK."

The whole cooking process had to be shut down so I could take off the stove top and clean it out.  There was a lot of burnt up macaroni and some other debris in there so I cleaned that out as well and I didn't wind up getting to eat breakfast until it was technically the afternoon.  Now my day is all screwed up and I have to eat lunch at 4 o'clock.

Another bad accident that happened once was when I was trying to hold the TV remote and a big glass of beer in the same hand and somehow the remote flipped out of my hand and toppled into the glass.  Kind of hard to picture but trust me it happened.  So again I was like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK" (even longer and louder because this was potentially a more expensive disaster, remotes cost much more than eggs) but GUESS WHAT?  I took everything apart and dried out all the pieces and put it all back together and it still worked.  True story.

So my message today is BE CAREFUL and WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING.  Don't lock your keys in your car or bang your knee on the car really hard while trying to slide on the hood all cool like on Dukes of Hazzard.

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Doo Wop

Ever hear those old songs on the radio with people bumbling out "bomp ba bomp" and "dip dip dip" and "ram a lam a ding dong?"  Well, guess what?  They're NOT mentally ill, they're singing DOO WOP!

Doo Wop was a form of musical expression in the 40s and 50s that became popular with young people who could not afford musical instruments.  If you want to make music but don't have an instrument you have to improvise.  That's where "jug bands" came from.  But unfortunately a lot of kids were too young to purchase moonshine, so they had no jug.  and since kids are notoriously dirty the washboard and washtub were in almost constant use.  So they fell back on the one instrument they could count on, their mouths.

If you are poor but still want to form a band, just get a bunch of like-minded individuals to be willing to make ridiculous sounds with their mouths and everything will be copacetic.  (Remember THAT word?)

The most famous star of Doo Wop was Bowzer.

He was the leader of Sha-Na-Na and to this day he is one of the surviving members.  and he's still at it, out there "dip dipping" and "whomp bam booming" at huge festivals and senior citizen centers all over the world.  Another one he's good at is dragging out the word "Yeaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh" real long with his deep baritone voice.  Why is it always "Yeaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh" instead of "Nooooooooooooo?"  Like if someone was singing about his "baby" leaving him you could go "Nooooooooooooo" all deep?  I am gonna write a song like that and turn the world of Doo Wop on its ear.  One of these days.

"Bowzer," albeit with a slight variance in spelling for legal purposes, is also the name of the main bad guy in Super Mario Brothers.

Bowzer is the King of the Koopas.  I do not know why the creators of Mario Brothers decided to name him after a Doo Wop icon, but I'm sure they had their reasons.  At any rate, I think the two Bowzers should pool their resources and agree to be a tandem for conventions and stuff.  The video game guy would obviously just be a mascot in a costume.  Original Bowzer is still able to legally appear as himself as far as I know.

But anyway, the Super Mario Brothers theme song would lend itself well to Bowzer's Doo-Wopping, don't you think?

"DIP dip doop, ba bomp ba bomp boop, dip de DIP de dip dip de diddle..." and so on.

(You'd have to know the song to know what the hell I'm talking about.)

It would all be KOOPACETIC!

AM I RIGHT PEOPLE?

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The most terrible thing you can eat: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted October 17, 2007)

I found out the other day that there are these secret things hidden in food that are called "trans fats."  Trans fats will give you a heart attack if you keep eating them.

I do not know exactly where trans fats come from.  I tried looking it up but there were tons of words I did not understand.  That is irresponsible journalism.  When writing journalism, you need to explain things all plain.  "a cat ran in the street and got hit by a bus."  Like that.  Just say what happened, don't get wordy.

Anyway, I heard there was a movie where a guy ate nothing but McDonald's for two weeks and DIED from it!  and it wasn't the made up kind of movie it was the real kind.  What killed him?  I suspect trans fats.

Some foods that may contain dangerous trans fats include:

- DONUTS
- Apple pie
- Margarine
- Potato chips
- Twinkies
- Fried chicken
- Red Baron frozen pizza
- Crisco balls
- Snickers bars
- RAMEN NOODLES (yes!)
- Pound cake
- KFC Biscuits

In fact KFC seems to have been the worst offender ever and now they are starting to make changes because the government yelled at them or something.  NO WONDER THE COLONEL'S RECIPE WAS SUCH A BIG SECRET.  a big, DEADLY secret.  Another part of the secret was paprika.  (Man if he was still alive he would hate the internet so much, and not just because he was an old person.)

Idea: Ban secret recipes (they are too deceptive)

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The Smurfs

Belgium is known for two main things.  Waffles and the Smurfs.  Created in 1958 by the Belgian cartoonist (yes) Peyo, the Smurfs swiftly became the toast of Europe and much like happened with the Beatles (citation needed), it was only a matter of time before they took America by storm as well.  The year was 1981.  The Iran Hostage Crisis had come and gone, and people were ready for something new.

The Smurfs, as seen above, are little blue imps that stand "three apples tall" and live in a secret mushroom village in the woods.  Each Smurf has a specialized skill or trait, and the village is commonly owned without the need for money or a class system.  Gee I wonder where Peyo got THAT idea?

Anyway for them, it worked.  The Smurfs are assigned names based on their individual role in the Smurf community.  (Farmer Smurf, Painter Smurf, etc.)  At least that's the general idea.  Most of the time it doesn't exactly prove to be true.  For example, Greedy Smurf wears a chef's hat and cooks and bakes all the time.  The idea is that he does so because he really likes eating, which is not greed.  He is actually quite generous, baking cakes and Smurfberry pies for everybody all the time.  So why not "Hungry Smurf?"  I guess the only person who will ever know for sure is Peyo, and it is unfortunately one of the many secrets he took to the grave.

"Clumsy" Smurf is more of an idiot in general than accident-prone.  "Brainy" Smurf is really just an asshole.  "Vanity" Smurf is a closeted homosexual.  and then there's "Jokey" Smurf, whose primary characteristic seems to be that he thinks it's hilarious to mail bomb people.

PAPA Smurf is another odd case.  Besides being the de facto leader of the Smurfs, he is also some kind of amateur wizard that lives in what appears to be a makeshift meth lab.

(Look at how happy he is.)

He also dresses in all red instead of white, I guess to help him stand out in a crowd.  (Why not just look for the guy with the beard?  Again, R.I.P. Peyo.)

Smurfette (or "Smyrfette," as hardcore feminists spell it) is the only female Smurf, which has been the topic of a lot of obvious and often CRUDE jokes.  Well you won't read anything like that here because I am SENSITIVE.  I am, however, working on a bit of Smurfette fan-fiction in which she yearns for and eventually receives true acceptance.  The ending is sort of like Grease.  Also, like a lot of young girls, she is a "carver" in it.

Finally, there is Gargamel, the evil wizard whose life's ambition is to capture the Smurfs, but he can never find their village.  He either wants to turn the Smurfs into gold using magic, or else EAT them, depending how hungry he is on a given day.  Gargamel can also apparently use his magic to CREATE Smurfs, and would do so whenever a new character needed to be introduced.  He would conjur up a new Smurf and then send it out to infiltrate the village and do bad things, but the plan never worked because the other Smurfs would just talk the evil Smurf into being good.  (There's 101 of them, that's significant peer pressure.)  I gotta ask though, did he ever create Smurfs just for himself because he got the munchies late at night?  and the other Smurfs never knew about it?  He was pretty hell-bent on catching the lot of them so he must know them to be tasty.

Some Smurfily Scrumptious Belgian Waffles:

Click HERE.

a blog about WOMEN: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted October 8, 2007)

I don't read women's magazines, but from what I've seen on the covers they are 99% PURE FILTH!  Why does anyone need 260 sex tips?  That's way too many.

Girls really like cards and gift bags, man.  I guess it's not the steak, it's the sizzle with them, you know?  Hallmark should make expensive bags that you can put a card in instead of using an envelope.

I bet fat chicks hate Valentine's Day more than ugly chicks.  Both spend the day lonely and depressed, but the fat chicks have to endure the extra sting of missing out on the eating of the chocolates.

Do women ever eat "Hungry Man" frozen dinners?  I want to know.

If you gave the average woman the choice of pain-free childbirth or automatic hairless legs, what do you think the more popular choice would be?  It's a toughie, for sure.

According to a recent survey, 80% of females under the age of 40 now have at least one tattoo.  I find that shocking.  Also, ear-piercings are down but all other piercings have gone way up from 50 years ago.

Strange fact about the Golden Girls: They are all STILL ALIVE!

I think "Hooters" should enforce its hiring-girls-with-nice-bodies-only policy across the board.  Cooks, corporate accountants, everybody.

You should not cheat on your wife or girlfriend, but if you must, do it with a girl that works at a Chinese delivery place.  Your wife will keep seeing a strange number on your cell phone, but if she calls it she'll just think you've been hungry a lot.  (Always keep some empty take-out cartons in your car and office to cover your bases.  Your mistress will probably be able to get them for you.  See how it all comes together?)

Sorry to any ladies that read this and got mad but I think a lot of this stuff needed to be said.  The rest of it probably didn't but I felt I was on a bit of a roll.

Happy Columbus Day.


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Under the Sea!

Scuba diving is a popular activity.  You strap an air tank to your back, wear a mask, and breathe through a tube.  All of this equipment is very expensive.  If you can't afford it, you can try holding your breath and looking around under water with your eyes open real quick, but you probably won't see too much.  Unless you get REALLY lucky.  "Whoa, an EEL!"  In most cases though, you are going to MISS a LOT.

Tropical fish are much more beautiful than regular fish, the kind you eat.  What if they taste better?  There should be a festival where you get to taste all the different kinds.  There should also be a contest where a bunch of competitive eaters have to consume one of each.  Finished your trout?  Eat this TRIGGER FISH.  Next up is a MACKEREL.  At the end the winner gets to swallow a live goldfish, just to be cute.

VOTE!

What is the weirdest looking fish?  The puffer fish or the lion fish?

I have an idea for a children's cartoon in which a puffer fish and a lion fish are friends.  They have adventures together.  The puffer fish is the fun-loving one, and the lion fish is the grumpy one, somewhat obviously.  Like Ernie and Bert.


What's up with crabs?  If they live in the water, how come you always see them walking around on land?  Red Lobster should start an ad campaign in which people quibble about whether crab is seafood or landfood.  It would be like that Chunky Soup "fork or spoon" debate but less violent.  (No weapons.)

The lifespan of a lobster can sometimes exceed more than 100 years.  and they get bigger and bigger the whole time.  Aren't the biggest lobsters the ones people want to eat most?  They have the most meat.  Imagine being about to drop a 100-year-old lobster into a pot.  What is he thinking?  "I miss the Roaring Twenties."

a lot of the smartest animals live in the ocean.  Whales and dolphins of course, but also the octopus.  Scientists believe the octupus to have excellent learning and problem-solving skills.  I think they would make good pets, just keep it in a kiddie pool.  Everyone would enjoy the tricks.  "Octopus, CELL PHONE" and he hands it to you.  "Octopus, GET THE DOOR" and he answers it.  How much does octopus food cost?

Sharks are very popular with children.  They love how dangerous and scary they are.  I have a new idea for a restaurant that would be like Chuck E. Cheese but with a shark instead of a mouse.  and instead of pizza, fish sticks.  Kids love those.  All with unlimited ketchup and macaroni and cheese on the side.  The mascot and faux-entrepreneur would be a big happy shark named "Great Bite."  However, since sharks cannot walk on land, he would spend most of his time swimming around at the bottom of the big ball pit.  Whenever the ball pit would get too full, or if the kids were doing bad stuff like throwing the balls around, a warning siren would go off and he would "emerge."

This is Great Bite:

If you're trustworthy and think you might like to invest, please e-mail me.


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My stories: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted October 1, 2007)

Lately I have gotten back into writing a little bit and have been working on some stories.

The first story takes place during Civil War times and involves a soldier that a family has to take in as a boarder.  The children in the family have neglectful parents that spend all their time looking at maps, so the boarder becomes like a Mary Poppins character that mentors the children and teaches them songs and games.  Then at the end he has to leave, and they are very sad, but they will never forget him.

Story 2 is about a man that one day discovers a pumpkin vine from a neighbor's yard has passed under the fence and is now blossoming on his property.  The neighbor is unaware because the fence is made of wood, and also he has eyesight problems.  The vine produces the largest most beautiful pumpkin the man has ever seen, and now he is torn.  Should he keep the pumpkin for himself, or turn it over to the neighbor that planted it?  After many sleepless nights, he decides to keep the pumpkin for himself.  It is on his property after all, right?  The man scoops out the pumpkin's innards and bakes them into a delicious pie, and then carves the rest into a Jack-o-Lantern for Halloween.  When he is finished he is SHOCKED to see that he has somehow carved the Jack-o-Lantern's face to look exactly like that of his neighbor.  It glowers at him from across the room, and he is ashamed.  The story has a happy ending, though.  Try to guess what it is!  (Hint: It involves the pie.)

Finally I want to write a story in which Beethoven and Mozart become friends.  They do this through the use of a time machine because they lived at slightly different times.  The time machine was invented by Ben Franklin, but that isn't an important part of the story.  Beethoven and Mozart work together to invent a magic potion that Beethoven drinks and it makes him able to hear.  Then they jam.  It's kind of a silly story but I don't think everything has to be serious all the time.

Well that's all I've got so far but once again I want to warn you not to steal my ideas or my lawyers will sue you mofos for everything you've got.  I'm getting tired of being such a nice guy.


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