Bad candy tastes bad

Who in hell eats Black Twizzlers?  Imagine somebody on some streetcorner all like, "I *SWEAR* by these."

Ain't no cinnamon Gummy Worms.  Wonder why?  NOBODY WOULD EAT THAT.

Even him.

Blow Pop vs Tootsie Pop: What would you rather find in the middle?  "I like bubble gum!"  "Not me, I prefer a Starburst that tastes bad and is uncomfortably brown."

There should be a lollipop that has a breath mint in the middle.  I am always so full of these good ideas.  Not proud of them, but certainly full.

Does anyone ENJOY eating a CANDY COIN?  If so get back at me.

IS THERE A KRISPIE VERSION OF THAT?

Okay, since I'm clearly delirious at this point, let's talk about Nerds.

No, no, not that.  I mean NERDS.

That's a top candy right there, same as real-life nerds make the most money.  Well, besides people that are gifted at sports.  They make a lot more.  Take LeBron James for example:

He could have a full-size outdoor swimming pool full of Nerds candy if he FELT like it.  Really think about that.  It would get all contaminated like the bulk candy bin at the supermarket, so you couldn't actually EAT them.  But man, that deep end.  Imagine a belly flop.

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Old People Jogging

I apologize in advance to any old people reading this as well as joggers/runners in general but I cannot deny that my principle source of humor lately has been misfortune happening to old men that are actively in the process of failing at jogging.

Here is an incomplete list of their hypothetical failures:

- Slipping and falling down on ice and then getting up and running again real quick like it didn't happen

- a loose dog runs over and bites you

- Someone yells something from a passing car, like "Yo Rocky!" or else "You crappy old fool!"

- Someone sees you coming and sarcastically puts up a line of police tape between two telephone poles

- Wet cement  (STUCK all of a sudden)

- Running in a cemetery and you injure your leg or groin trying to leapfrog a tombstone

- Senile, forgot to put on your jogging shorts

- You look up at a shooting star and then BAM a car hits you

- You see your elderly ex-wife jogging from the other direction so you change course and it totally fucks up your intended route

- You pass a lemonade stand but have forgotten to carry any money with you

- You pass a lemonade stand and the children start whipping lemons at you

- You jump a shark


Don't get me started on old people riding bikes.  All with the damn inappropriate helmets and neon colors and shit. Get that out.


Here is an example of an elderly person who is also God.

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Starburst problem!

I keep a dish of Starbursts candy on my coffee table.  I find the spectrum of wrapper colors to be eye-appealing, and the taste sensation delights my various guests and service repairmen.  There is no square juicier than a Starburst.

Problem, though.  No one ever takes a yellow/lemon one.  So there is this huge backlog.

First of all I do not want to eat the yellow ones EITHER, but I do want equal color and flavor DISTRIBUTION.  So what to do?

(How do other smart people solve these PROBLEMS?  If you're Chinese get back at me.)

My initial thought was to unwrap all of the Starbursts and then re-wrap them in the wrong-colored paper.  I would do so wearing sanitary rubber gloves, and only I would hold the secret answer key.  Imagine the look on a friend or visiting clergyman's face when they unwrap what they THINK is going to be delicious cherry and then it's terrible lemon instead.  That would be so funny.  Also a great conversation starter.  "This reminds me of something God told me once..."

But who in HELL has time for all that wrapping and unwrapping?  Even God himself does not, and He is everywhere at all times.

So then my next thought was to take all the lemon Starbursts out of the house with me and just start leaving them places, all completely fresh and individually wrapped.  Would people EAT them?  Imagine somebody trying to make that DECISION.

Some diabetic or whatever all like, "Well, they ARE yellow, but they're also free."

So I figure leave a neat and tidy 6-pack of yellow Starbursts at the laundromat, the part of the Post Office where no one is looking, restaurant exits where the patrons are likely to be too cheap to PAY for a proper dessert, etc.  Then you go back the next day and see if they are still there.  Could be qute the interesting sociological study.

"Who left exactly 6 Starbursts in the Victoria's Secret dressing room?  Five yellow, one orange.  WHO?"

I don't think something like that would be classified as a CRIME, but who cares?  It feels just as good.

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Stevie Wonder can't see ghosts

Do blind people WORRY about that?  Or does it cancel out?

"I didn't see you, you didn't see me."

I bet Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder encountered each other and had friendly conversations multiple times in life.  I also bet they accidentally snubbed each other a lot.  Like at a reception somewhere, waiting in line at the urinal.  Stevie has no idea that RAY CHARLES is behind him.  and Ray can't tell that it's Stevie, he can only listen for when he's done.

Blind people are said to have extra-great hearing.  I wonder if that is more of a blessing or a curse when in a public restroom?


Newest fake dialogue: Stevie Wonder is visited by the spooky GHOST of Ray Charles:

Stevie: I sense a presence.

Ray Charles Ghost: I just called to say I'm dead.

Stevie: Ha, good one Ray.  What is it like being dead and a ghost?  Do they let you SEE?

Ray Charles Ghost: Yeah but they make you look at some terrible stuff at first.  It's like new-guy-that-can-see hazing.

Stevie: Man, should I be worried?

Ray Charles Ghost: Naw you are gonna get to SEE, man.  It's the best!  The up-close underside of a cow is pretty bad, though.

Stevie: Yeah I always wondered.

Ray Charles Ghost: They also made me look at a lot of girls in magazines.

Stevie: Oh how were they?

Ray Charles Ghost: Ehh, they all look alike.

***Rick James Ghost APPEARS***

Rick James Ghost: Boo.

Stevie: I sense ANOTHER presence.  Who are you?

Rick James Ghost: I am Rick James, sir.

Ray Charles Ghost: Rick James?!?  You ain't blind, get out!

Rick James Ghost: No.

Stevie: Hey Rick James, you probably saw a LOT of bad stuff while you had eyesight and were alive.  What was the worst thing EVER?

Rick James: a sunset.

Stevie: Really?

Rick James: Not the kind you're thinking of.  It's a thing the other guys make you stare at in prison.

Stevie: Oh.

...

Stevie: What is it?

...

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