Hall and Oates and Ric Ocasek

Back in the time of music videos, it was kind of easy to get a television appearance.  Talent or NOT.

and then there were some other weirdball 80s acts including "tandems" like Hall and Oates.

Almost everybody in the world agrees that Hall and Oates were competent. Oates is specifically known for not being as good, though.  How come?  Daryl Hall is not THAT great.

Why was Ric Ocasek from "The Cars" permitted to be ugly but also beloved and talented, too?  That guy really found his place in the universe.  He should do more things, like movies or plays or endorsements.  In fact he could probably "steal" Oates pretty easily and they could do SOMETHING together.  Imagine the two of them being on stage at the same time.  For real, no George Lucas type special effects like they do with the dead Star Wars characters.  It MIGHT be good.

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Ragu spaghetti sauce is the worst-tasting food on earth

Even if you don't know how to cook, why would you buy it?  The other jarred sauces are right there, such as Prego brand and also Emeril.

How did it become such a go-to product?  It costs MORE than some of the other kinds, so don't use the "cheap pop" excuse.

You know what I mean.

"Well, since Walmart's Great Value Brand Root Beer costs 20 cents less than Barq's, I will buy that kind instead.  It's good ENOUGH, at least for MY kids."

Ragu actually has the nerve to pretend to be a NAME BRAND, like Heinz and Cadillac and Pepsi.  Yet it is so unbelievably horrible, it's the pasta sauce equivalent of that "trick gum" that makes your teeth turn black or fall out or whatever.  (I've never eaten prank gum so I don't really know what happens.)


When you open a jar of Ragu spaghetti sauce a springy snake should pop out and surprise you ('ha ha you thought you were getting something real"), and then the snake should also bite and kill you.  It's the only way you'll learn.

I do not know who is in charge of the official Ragu Twitter account, but they are stealing their paycheck.  FIGURATIVELY.  I hope that the person in question suffers from shameful sleepless nights and also some kind of financial trouble, like gambling debt or a home loan gone wrong.


***tHe rAgU hAiKu***


Ragu, my Ragu

You seriously taste bad

"Bam," said Emeril

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Country music and its secret nipples

There are two kinds of music.  Country and "regular."

a main thing with regular music is that besides being talented, you also have to look like a person that somebody would very much like to have sexual intercourse with.  That ain't usually the case with country music.

For example, here are some country music people.

Pop music stars tend to wear as little clothing as they can get away with.  Country music acts wear HATS.  The largest kind!  and also VESTS!  Has a vest ever been NECESSARY?

(no.)

Now that I've calmed down a bit, let's talk about nudity.  Everybody in the world is obsessed with Dolly Parton's breasts, including the Pope.  (He's more down-to-earth than previous Popes.)  She's probably sick of hearing about it/them.  Like the inverse of a situation where Sir Mix-a-Lot attempts to ask a lady out on a date.

Sir Mix: Excuse me, miss, might I invite you to a nice casual dinner?

Lady: Well certainly, that would be...hey wait aren't you that guy that likes big BUTTS!  My butt is not big, how DARE you?

Sir Mix: I...just want to be a regular person.


Meanwhile, celebrity "nip-slips" are all the rage.  But I've never heard of that happening to Dolly Parton, people are only interested in her main boob(s).  She should write a song about it.  Or maybe I should.

"Mama Blessed Me With Busoms But I Have Nipples Too" could be a #1 hit.

I'll work on it, later.


He has everything, but still looks like he is complaining.

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Loud receptionists and more

Besides on Facebook, people really like privacy.  and almost everywhere you go your privacy is RESPECTED.  But once in awhile, no.

Many places that you go to will have a lobby or some other waiting area or line where people can potentially overhear things.  I don't feel that I have anything to hide, I just don't like when people "overhear" things.  It seems unfair, like they got to read one page of my memoirs for free without paying for the e-book.

It doesn't have to be anything compromising or embarrassing.  Just normal everyday stuff like renting a car.  You get your turn at the counter and politely say...

"I'd like to rent a car, please."

and then, at least on this occasion, are subjected to...

"What, WHY?  Are you a CELEBRITY or did something really bad happen to you?"

"Well, um, it's unfortunately a little of both, ma'am."

"Oh yeah SEE I could TELL you were not on vacation because you are not wearing a hat."


I also have this paranoia at the grocery store where I do not like it when the cashier can guess what I'm making for dinner.

"Wait a minute here...taco seasoning...ground beef...tortilla shells...CHEESE!?!  You're making TACOS, AREN'T you?"

I try as hard as I can to mix in some off-the-wall fake ingredients that don't go with tacos, like bananas and steak sauce and Flintstone Vitamins, but the talkative cashier always manages to crack the code.

"I KNOW what you are gonna EAT tonight.  So THERE.  Also give me your driver's license so I can yell out your birthdate."


The best place for a loud and talkative sales associate would be wherever people buy guns.  Gun buyers/owners are always super proud to be doing so, unless they are up to something.  So when somebody asks for a gun a lady should yell out, "Hey everyone, here's the NEWEST member of our gun-owning family!"  If they shield their face and run, don't sell it to them.  If they smile and wave, okay.


How come loud receptionists are always female?  Stereotypical ethnic men seem like they would be good at that, too.

Like at the doctor.

"Thank you, sir.  Now we-a almost all a-ready for your embarrassing appointment.  But  first please-a have a seat next to that old man that has-a the peeing the pants problem.  Nope!  Oops-a-a-daisy not him, that man just-a has a weird ear pain.  He's-a not so good to talk to, his hearing is bad.  Sit by the pee pants man instead.  Good stories."

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Vladimir Putin's Big Adventure

The similarities are startling.  I mean look at these guys.

If you've somehow never seen the Pee-Wee Herman movie, it's about Pee-Wee trying to get his bike back.  Substitute Crimea for the bike, and there ya go.

The story begins with Putin waking up from a dream, a dream of PEACE, and subsequently turning on some Russian opera music and jumping up and down on his bed.  Then he kills Mr. Potato Head with a toy Russian missile.  Then he wraps Scotch tape all over his face in the bathroom mirror.  (If you haven't seen it you understandably have no idea what I'm talking about.)

Then he momentarily wants to kill everybody in sight before calming down and recognizing that life is worth living, anyway.  It's something like that, I might be getting my movies confused here.

How does it all end, though?  Imagine Putin getting hauled into United Nations court to receive a formal yelling-at and then he jumps up on the judge's bench and does the big shoe dance.  WORLD PEACE all of a sudden.  From THAT.

I can't wait.

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Charades blow

Sometimes at parties people want to play "games."

The only fun games are the kind you went there for in the first place.  Either poker or a limbo contest or "Oh man I will totally kick your ASS at Trivial Pursuit."

Otherwise there's this thing where someone will SUGGEST a game.  "Hey let's play Scattergories!"

Then someone else says "Let's all kill ourselves by jumping right out of the window and landing exactly on the very tops of our heads instead!"

Then a third person says, "Well, what about Apples and Oranges?"


Anyhoo, there is this main problem where children are not allowed to drink alcohol, but are frequently expected to play games anyway.

Pin the Tail on the Donkey, man.

WHY?  Even if you somehow get it right, it ain't too rewarding.  "The picture of the donkey is now anatomically correct.  The tail goes on his butt, and that is where you happened to place it in your quiet, blindfolded rage.  Good work."

It should at least be combined with a pinata where if you get the tail right on the butt the pinata explodes and candy and balloons fly everywhere and all the other kids cheer and start pigging in all the candy.

Kid #1: Great job, Herbert!

Herbert: Hey wait don't eat all the candy without me, I'm still blindfolded!


Is anybody else old enough to have played that game where you are supposed to drop a clothespin from the end of your nose exactly into the center of a tin can?  Again, not too rewarding.  Imagine being the best at that.  The best in the WHOLE WORLD.  What does it get you?  Maybe some really REALLY loose women, but little else.  (There's a metaphor in there...somewhere.  I'll find it later.)


Once you finally get to pube times "Spin the Bottle" becomes the main party game.  Which is perfectly sane and healthy except I am having a difficult time remembering what the bottle ITSELF was.  Kids ain't got no liquor.  What were we spinning?  an empty 2-liter of Pepsi?  Those don't spin too well, they bounce around.  Empty gallon of milk?  That kills the romance.

Aspirin bottle?

Kid #1: Ooooh, Herbert, you HAVE to kiss Suzie McJennifer now, the aspirin bottle is sort-of pointed NEAR her.

Herbert: It is technically pointing at Derrick.

Kid #1: .....


Twister is a party game that is very easy for adults to sexualize.

"Left foot BLUE?  Oh well, lady, I guess we HAVE to hump in front of everybody now."

But as an innocent kid you are so genuinely focused and serious.

"I want to WIN this GAME do NOT fall down."


Did some 3rd grade boy ever get mad at a 7th grade girl with early boobs for falling on him?

Herbert: YOU IDIOT!  Victory was within my GRASP.

Tina McJuliebecky: Oh, sorry, Herb.  Um, want to go somewhere and talk?

Herbert: NO.

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Cold War 2: Ukrainian Boogaloo

What the hell happened?  Just a few weeks ago everybody was getting along.  That bear in the Olympics was crying and everything.  I guess now we know why.

One problem right off the bat: the modern Russian flag.

Not too menacing.  Also guess what?  It's red, white, *and* blue.  We can't hate those colors!  and since THEIR flag is just three horizontal bars, we can't even hang it upside-down and expect anybody to notice.  So look at that, they outsmarted you again, Obama.

How come some countries get all creative when designing their flag, and others do not?  I guess it's kind of like naming a kid.  For every John, Joe, and Sally there's a "Phoebe" or "Parker."

Except with kids you can at least have another one.  Not flags though, it's one at a time only.

So who picks this...

...instead of this?

I am gonna root for Sri Lanka in the next Olympics as my #2 team behind America so that I can see their flag more.  In the meantime I might also get a Fathead of it.

Oh speaking of the Olympics, I have already begun work on a new movie script in which two Olympians work together to prevent the second Cold War from even actually happening!  The story is that a male fencing champion from the U.S.A. falls in love with a female Russian powerlifter and they combine their skills (she has power, he has finesse) to teach all nations a lesson about learning to get along.  So then the war is called off at the last minute, and the new lovers say "I LOVE YOU!" and share a celebratory war-prevention kiss as the credits start rolling and everybody cheers.

That's all I wrote so far but I think it's best to come up with an ending first and then work backwards.  It makes it easier to write in changes, like if I decide that the American athlete and the Russian athlete should just be two dudes instead.

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Girl Scout Cookies

Everybody loves Girl Scout Cookies, but how much do you KNOW about them?  You'll know everything after spending the next hour or so reading this all-encompassing Girl Scout Cookie blog!

Selling cookies to raise funds was one of the very first good ideas the Girl Scouts had, going back about 100 years.  They could not have a successful car wash fundraiser back then because only a few cars had ever been built and they were already still pretty clean.

Conversely, cookies are much easier to manufacture than cars, plus you can eat them.  It makes so much more SENSE.

Cookies used to be real basic.  a sugary treat that was easy to eat.  (Hey that RHYMED. #dibs #slogan)  Variety would come way later.

There are three MANDATORY (I am not making this up) varieties of Girl Scout Cookies that, not by coincidence, are also three of the most well-known AND popular.  There has yet to be a Girl Scout Cookie that is well-known for being UNpopular, but I suppose anything could happen under this Obama administration.

The mandatory cookies are:

- Thin Mints

- Peanut Butter Sandwich

- Shortbread

Those are the big three.  Caramel DeLites consistently rank towards the very top, but for some reason have not been deemed mandatory.  How come?  I will investigate this matter in the near future as soon as I figure out how.

Meanwhile, you may be wondering who actually MAKES Girl Scout Cookies.  If you think it is some sort of fantastical scenario like the Keebler Elves manufacturing cookies from the inside of a tree, you are surprisingly CORRECT.

Before you celebrate, though, it is important to recognize that I was not being literal right then.  The Keebler company DOES manufacture Girl Scout Cookies, but they do not employ actual elves.  They might hire the occasional dwarf or libertarian, but no elves of ANY kind exist in actual life currently.  Whereas Girl Scouts certainly DO, and therefore should not experience any guilt or hard feelings when taking credit for their wares (yes, WARES).

In fact I really like the idea of elves and girl scouts helping each other in general.  It would be a good idea for a movie, fictional television series, phone app, or at last resort even a "book."  I haven't had time to flesh out a whole plot yet, but at the very end I think Satan should get involved and also be killed.  (Rightfully).

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Juggling

Do you hate your parents?  Become a professional juggler.

There are a lot of things people "want" to do.  Like become an art history professor or Olympian.  Even though Obama says he hates it, I am okay with it.  You should do what you want to do.  and if fuddy-DUDDIES like high school principals and wedding planners are against it, I say that it is okay anyway.  Take THAT, Principal McScrooge.

Seriously though, who WANTS to juggle?  Is it anybody's true PASSION?  To get good at something, you usually have to practice.  I don't know anybody that practices juggling.  Is it just a natural-born gift that some people have like being able to cook or dance or yodel?

There is also this tandem juggling thing where two guys (always guys, because why would a girl WANT to do this?) will juggle and toss their special juggling clubs back and forth while exchanging humorous banter.  If you've ever happened to witness such an act, it absolutely had to be by accident.  Nobody would pay to see that, even on a cruise.

The jugglers themselves eventually realize this, so then they get all weird and decide to juggle other things.  Like chainsaws and dildos.  "This will drum up business!"

Is there a juggling COMMUNITY?  All with social media networking and such?

"other people just don't get it."

"i know, right?"


Here's a free idea for anybody that would like to be the worst performance artist ever.  You'll get to be in the NEWSPAPER at least once.  Dress up like a mime and juggle ventriloquist dummies.  Then drop one, yell out a bad word (mimes aren't supposed to talk, remember) and run away.

Got it?

This is what a mime looks like without his hat on:

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