Heat wave!

America has been very hot lately.  You know it's too hot when you can die from getting in the car.  It has been like Africa, except more imbecillic.  We all need to BEAT this HEAT!

Whenever there is a heat wave, the news will caution you.  They say to check on elderly neighbors and relatives to make sure they're okay.  WHY?  They love it!  Old people wear COATS in the heat.

Seriously, have you ever tried taking your mother ANYWHERE that has air conditioning?  As soon as you walk in...

"Oh my God, it's FREEZING in here!  I'm gonna go back to the car and get a blanket."

"Mom, we're at RED LOBSTER."

Another common caution is to "avoid alcohol."  What?  I guess that warning is for the occasional British person that likes to drink warm beer in a field.  "Hmmm, I don't feel right."  But I gotta ask, do British people ever REALLY feel right?  They have to know that they are a bit off.  They have a queen.

Anyway, try to stay cool, both in the Fonzie way and otherwise.  I'm off to a kiddie pool full of ice cubes and Genny Lights.

Enjoy the 4th of July unless you are one of those people that works for a bad place that disrespects America by making you come in anyway.  Places like that should be fined.  Obama is big on fining people lately so maybe we can make it happen.


Why did they change the font for the word "and?"  Suspicious:

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The Big Dipper is STUPID: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted June 27, 2007)

Do kids in school still have to learn about the constellations?  How is that education?  They don't even look like anything.  I remember the teacher showing us that crap.

"See how it looks like a horse?"

"Umm, no."

"Use your imagination."

"Yeah, cause I'M wrong, right?"

IDEA: Ban the constellations.

Another question, what's with the cursive writing?  It's 2007.  If I find out kids are still learning that I am gonna be upset about it.  I bet in China they are learning to type and build spaceships instead.

Cursive writing sucked.  What the fuck was with that capital Q?  It was totally wrong-looking.  After awhile I started making up my own versions of the letters I didn't like.  I had this cool capital F that I would show you but I don't know how to draw it on here.  Amazingly, my renegade cursive was a thing that teachers were always cool about.  I always got away with it.  I think other kids were jealous.

Why do teachers in elementary school hate "talking" SO MUCH?  They are always spazzing out and screaming and yelling like talking "out of turn" is the most terrible thing you can do.  It's just TALKING.  and "notes," if you get caught passing a note all hell breaks loose.  Some teachers like to intercept the note and read it out loud.  If you want to see a teacher get really mad, let yourself get caught passing a note like "Math is okay but I can't wait for SCIENCE!"  You would think they would appreciate the humor but they DON'T.


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My new advice column

Okay in addition to writing entertaining and informative blogs, I will now also give advice.

The main people that have written advice columns have traditionally been women.  As if women know everything.  What if someone has a question about locker room etiquette?  You can't go running to Miss Manners with something like that!  She's probably never been in one.  and do you really trust Dear Abby to tell you on which date ladies should put out?  I wonder what she'd say?  "Like the 80th."

So the problem is how will my "readers" know that I am out there as a resource?  How do you get an advice column STARTED?

Since I had no letters to print, I tried just walking around the neighborhood asking anyone who was outside (I did not knock on doors, I know people hate that) if they were in need of advisement.  Most people said no.  This one guy named Jim said he needed help figuring out why his lawnmower wouldn't start.  He thought it might be the carburetor, but said that if I knew anything about lawnmowers, he wouldn't mind a second opinion.  He gave it a good pull, and sure enough, it didn't start.  I told Jim that I didn't know if it was the carburetor or not, and then "advised" him to take it to a "shop."  He sort-of said thanks.  I then tried asking him if he was having any trouble in his marriage, but he said things were fine.

I thought I saw a good opportunity when I moved on to this busier street where a group of people were waiting for the bus.  Being familiar with the neighborhood bus schedule, I was able to advise them that the bus wouldn't be coming for at least another 20 minutes.  They said some shit about how they already knew that but couldn't MAKE the bus show up as soon as their work shifts ended.  Whatever.

Anyway, that's not the kind of advice I really want to give anyway.  I was thinking more about domestic arguments, rifts between friends, people being out to get you at work, family members on DRUGS, love triangles, how to get girls, etc.

SO next time you have a problem and don't know where to turn, please e-mail me at CaptainDanAdvice@yahoo.com and if it's one of the most entertaining problems, I'll be glad to help you! (For free.)


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New issue that could divide America: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted June 18, 2007)

The plastic stuff you cover food with to keep it fresh in the refrigerator, it needs an official name.

Most people call it "plastic wrap" but a lot of people call it "cling wrap."  America needs to decide.  Maybe we can settle it during the next election.

Here are some plastic/cling wrap FACTS:

- It was invented in 1953 (I RESEARCHED this!)

- It has a thickness that ranges from 7 to 15 micrometers

- The box has a sharp edge that you can cut yourself on

- Women (and probably some men) have made dresses out of it and worn them in PUBLIC!

- When you finish off a roll, you can look through the cardboard tube and pretend to be a pirate (looking through a telescope)

I seem to remember that everybody used to call it "Saran Wrap" all automatically (like people say "Kleenex" when they mean any brand of tissue) but then the Glad company got Tom Bosley as their spokesperson and they took off real huge.  Glad seems to be the pioneer in the field of plastic/cling wrap now.

BONUS facts:

- In Australia and New Zealand, "Glad Wrap" has ALREADY become the default name!

- In England they call this product "cling film," because they have a stupid name for everything over there

Finally here is a sneak preview of a RAP that I am composing about WRAP.  (Rap/wrap get it?)

WHEN YOU CAN'T EAT ANOTHA BITE
WRAP THAT SHIT AND SEAL IT TIGHT

IN-VI-SI-BLE
DURABLE AND SAFE
THE GREATEST INVENTION SINCE MEN WERE APES

ON THIS WRAP YOU CAN DEPEND
IT'S MORE CLINGY THAN YO EX-GIRLFRIEND

That's all I got so far.


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Huge backlash against CHILDREN lately

So the newest thing that everybody seems to agree on lately is that children are not special.  The tone of graduation speeches is now "You have not done ANYTHING yet.  Get to work!"

See kids used to have MTV to make them feel cool and important.  MTV would validate the ugly clothes you wore, the shitty music you listened to, and your uneducated mouth.  Parents just didn't understand.  Who would ever want an expensive marriage and mortgage when you could live in a BASEMENT for FREE?  The "Real World" used to be a thing you could hold over a kid's head.  "What do you mean you FORGOT to lock the pool shed?  That doesn't CUT IT in the REAL world!"  MTV knew otherwise.  Pool sheds don't HAVE to be locked, almost nobody wants to steal chlorine.  You don't HAVE to show up to your shift at Taco Bell.  You can just blow it off, get fired, and Subway will hire you.  Same difference.  Feeling ready to have a baby?  Go right ahead!  You don't need a husband dragging down your social life, you already live with a bunch of babysitters.  Usually at least one parent and some siblings that have no intention of moving out either.

So then along comes the INTERNET.

While at first the internet was considered rather nerdy, eventually it developed mainstream appeal when it abolished the concept of "privacy."  Everybody sees and knows what everybody else is doing all the time now, and people love it.  MTV cannot compete.  As much as you may have liked MTV as a kid, it was nearly impossible to be ON it.  Anyone can be on the internet.  Nearly everyone these days is an active participant in social media, which has established two primary uses:

1) Showing off
2) Passing judgment

You can show off a picture of a cat, sandwich, tattoo, or newborn baby.  The internet community then gets to judge.  If it's your friends, they will usually let you know how much they "Like!" these things.  But if you are a middle-aged nerd showing off your lightsaber skills, or some fat hoochie girl making that stupid hoochie girl face that everyone hates, look out!

In other words, scattered throughout our vast wasteland of Farmville, ill-spoken cats, and the tedious litany of "just got 2 airport" tweets are seeds of accountability that are beginning to bloom.

(Were those "other words" or WHAT?)

If you think you're hot, you really better BE hot.  If you think you can play "Piano Man" on the GUITAR well enough to be seen on youtube, good luck.  and if you are a child that's been lead to believe that you're special, chances are that Condescending Wonka is about to lay the smack down on you.


Yes, YOU.

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The Flintstones: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted June 13, 2007)

The first thing I want to know is why was the food on the Flintstones so big?  Were people just always super hungry back then?  I wrote them a letter about it and haven't received a reply yet.  What are they hiding?  Someone once tried to tell me that it's because the food came from dinosaurs, but so what?  The size of the animal shouldn't matter.  a cow is way bigger than a pig, but the portions are not adjusted accordingly.

Also, at Fred's job, how come he always kept working right up until the whistle blew?  Why didn't he spend the last ten minutes goofing off or pushing papers around like real people do?  Well I guess they didn't have paper but he could have pushed stone tablets.

and what's with Bam Bam being the world's strongest baby?  Was placing the Honeymooners in a prehistoric era where they had to use birds as record players not a ridiculous enough premise?  Did they really need characters with super powers too?  It's like if the producers of Gilligan's Island decided the castaways were not silly enough so they gave Mr. Howell super heat vision, or metal claws like Wolverine.  (Imagine him slashing down coconuts with claws like that.)

I don't remember Bam Bam ever doing anything strong once he got older.  All he seemed to do was cruise around in his car and play the bongos.  What a waste of his super strength that was.  Had to be a disappointment to his father.  He could have been a great football star or something.  Imagine Barney Rubble listening to his son explain that what he really loves is music.  (and not even guitar or piano, he picked the bongos.)  Typical kid I suppose.


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The Facts of Life (Part 2)

Okay it is time to delve into a tapestry of estrogen so rich that it could only have been woven by 80s network television.

As covered last week, the Facts of Life was retooled after one disappointing season.  They added tough girl Jo to the cast, and she quickly became a bad influence on the others, pressuring them to break rules and participate in criminal mischief.  Swift discipline became necessary.  VERY necessary.

It was decided that the four hooligans would HAVE to live together, sequestered from the other girls on campus.  Mrs. Garrett, who had recently been promoted to school dietician (yes), was assigned to live with and look after them.  Because when you are dealing with troubled teens in need of guidance, you always turn to the school dietician.  I don't even think my school HAD a dietician.  No wonder I turned out the way I did.  I lived on chocolate milk and ravioli and no one was there to intervene.

But these girls were more fortunate, they had Mrs. G watching their backs.  and good thing they did!  When they weren't out looking for trouble, trouble was out there looking for them.  The following are actual episode descriptions from the early years:

#24. Sex Symbol (February 4th, 1981 - #211)
After Natalie's first real date with a boy from neighboring Bates Academy, she receives a barrage of offers from his schoolmates who have heard she has quite a reputation.
Directed by John Bowab

#47. Runaway (February 24th, 1982 - #317)
Determined to prove her maturity, Tootie goes off to New York City unescorted to meet with friends at a theater. A teenage prostitute teaches her a harsh reality.
Directed by Asaad Kelada

 #75. Best Sister (Part 2) (February 23rd, 1983 - #419)
When Jo decides that she wants to become a nun along with Blair's sister, Blair sees herself as the only one who can talk them out of it.
Directed by Asaad Kelada

 (February is sweeps month.)

Thanks to the age and wisdom of Mrs. Garrett, the girls are able to survive these and many of the other challenges that a typical teen faces.  What insecure adolescent HASN'T been consumed with jealously when her retarded stand-up comedienne cousin arrives at her boarding school to show her up?  Because of their diligence in dealing with such matters the RIGHT way, the girls are eventually forgiven for their past crimes and awarded a trip to Paris.

See how gypped you are in life if you never had a school dietician?  Not only do they save you from being forced into teen prostitution but they also take you on trips all over the world.


Season 5 begins with some major changes taking place.  Most notably, Mrs. Garrett has become FED UP with being the damn school dietician and QUITS her JOB to open a bake shop.  Blair and Jo have graduated high school and moved on to their freshman year of college.  "Moved on" meaning that they both decide to attend the college that's closest in proximity to their high school, and still both want to live with Mrs. Garrett.  Ahh, college life.  Oh, Tootie and Natalie, who are younger and still high school students, move in with them too.  These girls just couldn't get enough of each other!

(Cue Fonzie giving a "thumbs up" as he revs his motorcycle.) 

Season 7 was a big one.  After 2 years of operation, the bake shop burns down.  Should have seen THAT coming.  Tootie and Natalie have finished high school by now, so Mrs. Garrett and ALL of the girls decide to POOL their money and open a trendy clothing and gift shop.  Because THAT'S WHAT YOU DO RIGHT AFTER HIGH SCHOOL AND/OR WHILE IN COLLEGE.  Bill Cosby should have made a special cameo appearance and SMACKED these children. and, btw, they all still live together.

(Fonzie's stunt has now long been completed and he has gone home to watch something else, along with the rest of America.)

On to Season 8.  May God have mercy on us.

SOMEONE from the group finally decides she wants out of this living and business arrangement.  and, you guessed it, it's the old lady.  She wants out so badly that she actually moves to Africa.  AFRICA.  But since these four young ladies (okay not quite SO young at this point) really NEED an old woman in their lives, and home, a substitute is brought in.

Other characters added to the line-up included neighbor GEORGE CLOONEY (pre-fame), an annoying wise-cracking BOY, and Pippa the incorrigible teenage Australian lass.

(Fonzie is now a grizzled adult selling "I SAW THE JUMP" t-shirts at comic book conventions.)


Season 9 would see the Facts of Life finally come to an end.  But they would go out with a BANG, not a whimper.  (Literally.)

In episode #201 out of a total of 209 episodes, Fatalie becomes the first of the girls to lose her virginity.

(Okay, maybe a LITTLE whimpering.)

If my math is correct, and I think it IS, Blair and Jo would be about 23 at this point.  Tootie is a few years younger, but has had a steady boyfriend (some poor soul named Jeff) for at least 4 years.  I guess NBC didn't want the girls to be bad role models but GEEZ.  Even Pippa had probably "taken the good" AND "taken the bad" by episode TWO-HUNDRED-AND-ONE.

Post-series, there was at least one 13-year "reunion" special.  I have not seen it, but would like to, because a reunion implies that at SOME point they all actually stopped living together, and I need to know exactly how that happened.  Also maybe Jo jumps over something on HER motorcycle in it.  Like a car in which middle-aged Blair is finally getting laid.  She could drop contraceptives attached to a little parachute.

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The Facts of Life

First of all this blog is not about the birds and the bees and how to "do it."  If you are a confused youth seeking answers to questions please consult a parent, clergyman, or school gym teacher.

This blog is about the FACTS of LIFE.

The Facts of Life was a hugely popular sitcom set in an all-girls boarding school.  Perfect premise right there.  an old lady named Mrs. Garrett was assigned to look after the girls and keep their hijinks in check.  After one season it was determined that there were too many girls to keep tabs on, so the cast was whittled down to the four strongest characters.


1) Blair

Blair was the most popular girl at the school.  You would be too if you spent nine hours a day brushing your hair.  She was also rich.  SO RICH that she spent the entire series sharing a home with four or more people.  and like other rich kids, she also had to work in the school kitchen.  As a nod to her family's money and influence, the cafeteria's sloppy joe was renamed the "Blair Warner." (citation needed)

2) Tootie

Not her real name, nobody would do that to a kid.  For the bulk of the series, Tootie was the only minority in the cast (they added a gimmicky Australian girl towards the very end).  She was also the youngest of the girls and the only person in the world that enjoyed the music of Jermaine Jackson.  Tootie was generally regarded as the "troublemaker" of the group.  Like most troublemakers, she wore roller skates and braces.

3) Jo

Jo was added to the cast in season #2 to SHAKE THINGS UP!  She rode a motorcycle and liked to use strong language and work on cars.  Well it was TV-friendly strong language, no b-words or c-words or even d-words.  Some of Jo's antics included shoplifting, wrecking a school van, and convincing the other girls to sneak into a bar with fake IDs.  She was not regarded as the troublemaker of the group.  Tootie was way worse with her gossiping and other rules violations such as roller skating indoors.  Blair and Jo became fast enemies because Blair was rich and Jo was poor.  Poor people ride motorcycles in high school.

4) Natalie aka FATALIE

Seriously, who scripts a fat girl to have a name with a syllable that rhymes with "fat?"  I can hardly think of any other girls names that have such a syllable, so it must have been deliberate.  In fact I think the writers may have been having fun rhyming ALL of the girls' names with something.  "Blair" rhymes with "hair," "Tootie" rhymes with "booty," "Jo" rhymes with....."Joe."  Like most fat girls, Natalie wanted to be a writer.


***BONUS***

5) Cousin Geri

Blair's fondly-remembered frequent-visiting cousin that had cerebral palsy.  The actress, who both was named Geri AND had cerebral palsy in REAL life, eventually stopped agreeing to appear on the show because every episode she appeared in was advertised as "a VERY SPECIAL Facts of Life."  I can see how that would get to a person.  I gotta ask, though.  Were there ANY episodes of Facts of Life that were NOT "very special?"

TONIGHT: Jo finally gets her first period but it ain't no thang.


I could go on and on about the Facts of Life.  and I WILL, next week when I present PART TWO of this VERY SPECIAL Facts of Life blog.

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