Tipping

Is there any facet of society more complex than tipping?  You have to know WHOM to tip, WHEN to tip, how MUCH to tip.  and everyone has a different opinion.  It's impossible to not offend somebody sooner or later.

In restaurants, it's usually a matter of percentage.  What does a 15% tip mean to YOU?  Is it the standard, or the minimum?  I personally don't believe in trying to teach the server a "lesson."  If they make a mistake, I don't adjust the tip accordingly.  "I was gonna tip 20% but since I had to ask TWICE for ketchup it's down to 18% now.  That'll show 'em."

Some people actually do that, though.  They take "points off."  They use CALCULATORS.  What's to be gained?  "NEXT time I get Bethany as my server she will be DAMN SURE to get me that ketchup the FIRST time.  If not, I'm prepared to go down as far as SIXTEEN percent!"

Like you're ever going to see Bethany again, first of all.  and also she isn't going to get the message, she's just going to be left thinking that you are a cheapskate asshole.  Which, honestly, if you are taking "points off" for little slip-ups like that, you pretty much are.

and now I know what you will say.

"It's not the money, it's the P R I N C I P L E."

Oh my God, shut-up.  If you actually brought a calculator to a restaurant, it's the money, you cheapo.


But then there is also this problem where a server gets offended if you tip TOO MUCH.  For example, let's say that the bill is $42.  a decent 20% tip would be $8.40.  So then what do you do?  Leave $50 and FORTY CENTS?  The server would probably get all mad about the forty cents.  "WTF is this?  SPARE CHANGE?"  You could round it DOWN to an even $50 instead, but that brings you just UNDER 20%, making you a cheapskate.  But what else can you do?  Round UP to an even $51?  That extra single is almost as bad as leaving coins.  So how much are you supposed to leave?  $52?  $53?  MIGHT AS WELL ROUND UP TO $55, IT'S ONLY AN EXTRA COUPLE OF BUCKS, RIGHT?  Except then you will have tipped more than THIRTY PERCENT, which could potentially enrage the server in a DIFFERENT way.  "I don't need your charity, I thought we were FRIENDS."


an even bigger problem is when you can't tell if someone is open to accepting a tip at all.  Like, don't try tipping a janitor after he finishes mopping up a hallway real good.  Chances are he'll be offended.  "You think I need MONEY?  Just because I'm a JANITOR?  Well I DON'T.  I mean I do, but I only need the REGULAR amount, you JERK."

All parking valets get tips.  So do bartenders.  But there are so many other people that provide "services."  Who gets a tip and who doesn't?

What about people that bring things to your home?  If someone delivers a pizza, you always give them a tip.  If they deliver mail, almost never.  But then there's also a lot of in-between things.  Are you supposed to tip if you order a new DESK?  and someone moves it into the house for you?  If so, why?  Because it's heavy?  What if it's something that isn't heavy, like balloons?  Some people tip after haircuts, but nobody tips their dentist.  Is your hair more important than your TEETH?  They are both integral parts of the head.

Also, how come tips are okay but bribes are not?  Is it just the timing?  Imagine "tipping" a police officer AFTER he already agreed to let you out of a traffic ticket.  "Thank you officer, and here's a little something for your trouble."  Can you tip a judge moments AFTER being found guilty?  "Thanks for keeps things fair and speedy.  Buy yourself something nice."

Can you tip Bill Clinton?  He's not President anymore.

"Thank you for eight years of service, I appreciated it.  Here is even MORE money."

"Very good, sir."

Click HERE.