Fine dining

There's this place nearby that serves the greatest wings of them all.  I know this to be true because it says so on the box.

Where is the Better Business Bureau when it comes to these unaccredited claims?  Too busy cracking down on rental car crime and fraudulent "miracle hoses" I guess.

Sometimes there actually ARE competitions after which an establishment finally has something concrete to brag about.

"SILVER MEDAL WINNER: BEST CLAMS IN TUCSON!"

But usually it's every place in town fighting about whatever the localized cuisine is.

"IF YOU WANT *REAL* KANSAS CITY BARBECUE, YOU'VE GOT TO COME *HERE*, DON'T GO TO ANY OF THE OTHER BARBECUE RESTAURANTS IN KANSAS CITY!"

Does this happen in other nations?  Who makes the best taco in all of Guadalajara, Mexico?

"SURPRISE GOLD MEDAL WINNER: TACO BELL!"


Sit-down restaurants always take the menus away right after you order.  How come?  What if you decide you want more stuff?  Do you just have to remember or will they give the menu BACK?  I never asked but next time I'm gonna.

"How was the pork?"

"Excellent, my compliments to the chef."

"Would you like to see the dessert menu?"

"No but what can you offer me in a STEAK?"

What would they say?

"Ummm... Sorry, we can't do it this way.  You have to get up and wait again like for the roller coaster."


The finest restaurants don't list the prices on the menu.  Money is no object.  I like that, it's classy, but they should make a fun game out of it where all the prices are randomized and once in awhile something extravagant turns out to be super-cheap.  You get the bill all like "WHOA, that flounder was on special today for $2.99!  Thanks, suckas!"  Conversely, "Great, you HAD to get a second water.  They were twelve bucks each."

FAST food restaurants all seem to be gravitating towards this assembly-line ordering procedure.  Subway started it.  You can't just order, you have to go through this item-by-item interview process.  "White or wheat?"  "Any mustard or mayo?" "How about some pickles?"  "Any bacon or meatballs?"

Is fast food just growing increasingly tired of the people that don't know how to order right?  The idiots that ask for Happy Meals at Burger King?  Or is the thinking just that since they have all of the ingredients around anyway, let people mash them together however they want!

"Sure, throw some barbecue sauce on those eggs.  That's how we DO it in Kansas City!"

Somewhere, that McDonalds chef that personally crafted the Arch Deluxe, is crying.  For a lot of reasons.


The best clams in Tucson:

Click HERE.