M&M's

M&M's are one of the most popular candies because people like chocolate and also colors.  Everyone has a favorite M&M color.  It should be a standard question when interviewing job applicants.  "WHY do you like the yellow ones best?"  It's a good question you could ask celebrities and star athletes too.  Especially during a scandal.

"IS THERE A COVERUP OF GOVERNMENT PHONE TAPPING?"

"No more questions at this time, thank you."

"WAIT!  WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE M&M COLOR?"

"Orange, thank you."

*walks off*


But of course, they are just colors, NOT flavors.  All M&M's taste exactly the same.  Some people dispute this and insist that they can tell the difference.  While these people are clearly insane maniacs, it actually would make a pretty fun competition.  a blind taste test with a lot of people in it and IF you somehow guess right you move onto the next round.  Kind of like the rock-paper-scissors championship where there's no actual skill involved, you just guess.  But SOMEBODY would win, by default.  Imagine if it was you, and you got to have that printed in your obituary later on.

"...loving father of John M., Patrice A., and Douglas J. Miller; grandfather of Timothy and Abigail Miller; certified by the Mars corporation as being the best in the world at guessing M&M colors based on taste alone..."


SINCE they all taste the same, it is no problem for the company to change up the colors for certain holidays.  Red and green only for Christmas, pastel colors for Easter, shades of red and pink for Valentine's Day.  I like to pick out all the pink ones and store them until a different time of year, then just mix them in with the regular kind.  and even then you can pick out some of the usual colors to create a "custom" mix.  Pink, orange, and green M&M's only.  a big punchbowl full of them, like for a party.  Imagine a bowl of JUST yellow ones.  Not too appetizing.  Whereas brown ones only would be so visually appealing, they'd look extra chocolatey.

What is the candy shell itself actually made of?  It's such a thin layer, you don't really taste it.  But before the coating process takes place, doesn't there have to be a big vat or bucket of it at the factory somewhere?  Do the workers ever get curious and taste it plain?  Like just a big spoonful of blue M&M coating?  and what about the little white "m" itself?  It's tiny, but it goes on EVERY SINGLE ONE.  So whatever it's made from, they must have a lot of it in storage.  I bet they do shots of it.

Peanut M&M's are popular, but even though people like peanuts, they aren't AS popular as the M&M's that are plain chocolate.  Why?  Because you get less?  You really don't, the bags WEIGH the same.  There are a lot of other things you can find inside an M&M.  Pretzels, almonds, crisped rice, mint, coconut, and more.  You never find anything inside Skittles.  How come?  I bet extra-big lumpy Skittles with chunks of banana in them would be pretty good.  Or maybe even Skittles with a CHOCOLATE center!  The Skittles people don't think as big, I guess.  Plus maybe they don't know where to get chocolate.


Indiana Jones likes the mint crisp M&M's, evidently.

Click HERE.

loving father of John M., Lisa A., Sonia M. and Robert J. (Heather) Malfa; grandfather of Kayli and Dillon Malfa - See more at: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/buffalonews/obituary.aspx?n=john-d-malfa&pid=166615846&fhid=5213#fbLoggedOut

loving father of John M., Lisa A., Sonia M. and Robert J. (Heather) Malfa; grandfather of Kayli and Dillon Malfa - See more at: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/buffalonews/obituary.aspx?n=john-d-malfa&pid=166615846&fhid=5213#fbLoggedOut

loving father of John M., Lisa A., Sonia M. and Robert J. (Heather) Malfa; grandfather of Kayli and Dillon Malfa - See more at: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/buffalonews/obituary.aspx?n=john-d-malfa&pid=166615846&fhid=5213#fbLoggedOut

Boycott Hasbro to save Clue: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted August 20, 2008)

So the idiots at Hasbro have decided to change the board game Clue.

Really.

Apparently Clue was deemed not hip enough for the 21st century, so they are attempting to bring it up to date.

Here is a list of some of the changes:

- The lead pipe, revolver, and wrench have been eliminated

- Colonel Mustard is a football player now

- Professor Plum is a billionaire video game designer

- All the characters have special powers

- There are "cool" new rooms like a theater and a spa

- Your character can die while playing

- There are time limits

- It's a completely different game


Needless to say this is all a bunch of CRAP.  Everyone needs to start boycotting Hasbro immediately.  I also suggest writing them an angry letter.  Here is a copy of mine but please don't plagiarize it:


Dear fools,

Why are you wrecking Clue?  It makes no sense.  People everywhere will be outraged.

How can you even think about eliminating the lead pipe?  It is so INTEGRAL, don't you understand that?  You guys probably never even play.

Only a complete idiot would suggest changing a beloved and established brand.  It would be one thing to introduce a new alternative, but to completely dispense with the original?  What a ridiculous blunder.  Your inferior Clue will be the New Coke of board games.

I mean is that your plan?  To re-introduce "Classic Clue" in a few months in hopes that sales will go through the roof?  I am gonna buy a bunch of old Clue games on e-bay so that you won't get any money from it.

I spit on your new Clue.  The reasons why should be NO mystery.

Signed,

Heartbroken


Click HERE.

Juice bars

Health nuts need a place to socialize, too.  They do not get to enjoy the late nights of hard drinking and fattening happy hour appetizers that the rest of us do.

I have never been to a juice bar.  I like juice but I just buy mine at a store and drink it at home.  a juice bar does not seem like a very fun social setting.  There's no pool table or foosball or even darts.  Just a bunch of dickheads paying way too much for smoothies and juice.

How MUCH do the patrons drink at a juice bar?  Do they buy "rounds?"  Can you share a PITCHER of cranberry smoothies with the rest of your table?  Do they HAVE tables?

I imagine there are way less fights at juice bars than at alcohol bars.  That being said, fights must still occur SOMETIMES.

"P90X simply doesn't WORK."

"YES IT DOES.  ONLY AN IDIOT WOULD SAY THAT!"

"WELL I TRIED IT AND DIDN'T SEE RESULTS!"

"I'LL KILL YOU!"

(That's basically how most fights start, isn't it?)


a lot of bars have "themes."  Is there a country western juice bar somewhere?  Instead of a mechanical bull they could have an exercise bike with an ejector seat that flings you off if you fall off pace.  Everyone cheers and raises a pint of wheatgrass.

Bartenders are known for being good listeners.  They sympathize with everybody's problems.

"I did not get the promotion.  My wife called me a failure, my son caught me smoking pot, and I had to tell my daughter that the trip to Disney is off.  Gimme a shot of parsley juice, and leave the bottle."

Click HERE.

Did clowns EVER make people happy?

I can not speak for people that lived in old fashioned times because I was not there, but I cannot imagine clowns ever being approved of as any kind of legitimate entertainment.  Clowns are like mimes except worse because they talk to you, too.  What would you say to a clown?  I have one main suggestion.

"Go away."

Clowns are not needed.  They know this.  It is why they stoop to being bad murderers and terrorists nowadays.  The idea of an "evil clown" used to be the exception, now it's the rule.  Will other obsolete professions eventually turn to terror and murder?  Watch out for disgruntled paperboys and shoe repairman.  They could easily turn violent.

See there used to be no television.  Really!  There was no Johnny Carson to tell you jokes.  No Bob Vila to show you how to build a door.  and children had nobody to look up to.  No Spongebob, no Dora, no Spiderman, no Scooby Doo.  They had nobody to admire but their parents, and parents are the opposite of fun.  But what's more fun than a clown?  They wear lots of make-up, can perform "tricks," and wear big floppy shoes.  THAT is FUN.  Therefore it was decided, by adults, that children should "like" clowns.

Problem was, the children themselves did not unanimously agree.  They were willing to put up with it for awhile as long as they were bribed with hamburgers and french fries and Happy Meal toys, but once Ronald got fired for making everybody fat, kids of all ages began to openly acknowledge that clowns "suck."

Before Ronald, the most famous clown was "Bozo."

Instead of junk food, Bozo's technique was to use cartoons to trick children into paying attention to him.  Notice how clowns always need a hook?  They are never appreciated just for their "antics."  They find something that kids already like and ride its coattails.  "HEY JOEY, I'll give you a CANDY BAR if you'll watch me make balloon animals for awhile.  DEAL?"  Then afterwards he's all "SEE?  Kids LOVE me!"

(Gives Joey the candy bar and it isn't even wrapped...  Ugh.)


Howdy Doody had a clown sidekick named Clarabell who never spoke until the absolute end of the entire series.  It was then that the camera closed in on Clarabell's quivering face to allow the teary-eyed clown to whisper the haunting words...

I don't have PROOF, but I'm pretty sure this must have prompted thousands of children to immediately begin crying, scream for their mommies, and pee their pants.  What, Clarabell, that was the BEST you could come up with?  How about...

and speaking of creepy things, a puppet dangling on strings is no picnic either.

Click HERE.

Olympic facts: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted August 8, 2008)

The Olympics are great.  They include competitors from all lands.  Nobody can wait to find out who wins, but in time we all will know.  Meanwhile here are some important Olympic facts:


- This year's Olympics are in Beijing, China.  a lot of people are mad about that, but I say give them a chance.  Just because they are Chinese doesn't mean they don't know how to do the Olympics.

- Some things that were invented in China include paper, the compass, kites, noodles, toilet paper, umbrellas, the toothbrush, silk, chopsticks, and gunpowder.

- Probably every person in the Olympics is on steroids.  This has been well documented, but the President doesn't know what to do about it yet.

- Attending the Olympics will be more than 10,000 athletes from about 200 nations, as well as 5,000 members of the press, a broadcast staff of 12,000, and 70,000 volunteers.  Tons of these people will be gettin it on at the hotel.  (a water polo captain from Argentina and a photojournalist from the Netherlands will probably never bump into each other again, you know?  Well maybe at the next Olympics.)

- Some sports that are not included in the Olympics are football, dodgeball, fishing, hunting, auto racing, bull fighting, hot air ballooning, and darts.  All of these sports are popular so I don't know why they don't add them.

- The greatest Olympic tradition is the carrying of the Olympic torch.  The torch was decided upon because it has to be carried around the whole world and a torch is not too heavy.  It is also symbolic but I don't know of what.

- The first Olympics were held in Greece many years ago, about 776 BC.  They had them until 393 AD and then took a break.  Those were biblical times, but there is no mention of the Olympics in the Bible.  Word had not really gotten around yet.  I wish it had, though, because maybe Jesus would have been in it.

- Early Olympic events included throwing a rock, running up a hill, wrestling, jumping around, and yodeling.  They did all of this in the nude, but that's okay because there was no TV yet.

- In the modern Olympics, almost everybody wears clothes and most of the events are different.  About 99.99% of people agree that the modern Olympics are better, but back in Greece there are still a few guys that would rather watch naked men throw rocks.

- Can you get kicked out of the Olympics for peeing in the pool?  No one is sure, it's never come up.  (Kind of tough to prove, you know?)

- Some people attending the Olympics like to leave 15 minutes before the closing ceremony is over.  They do this because they want to "beat the traffic."  It doesn't work though, man, traffic is EVERYWHERE.


...and that's all you need to know!  Enjoy the Games.

(By the way if anybody from China is reading this don't even THINK of trying to censor me or my lawyers will sue you mofos for all you've got!  You have been warned.)


Click HERE.

Fine dining

There's this place nearby that serves the greatest wings of them all.  I know this to be true because it says so on the box.

Where is the Better Business Bureau when it comes to these unaccredited claims?  Too busy cracking down on rental car crime and fraudulent "miracle hoses" I guess.

Sometimes there actually ARE competitions after which an establishment finally has something concrete to brag about.

"SILVER MEDAL WINNER: BEST CLAMS IN TUCSON!"

But usually it's every place in town fighting about whatever the localized cuisine is.

"IF YOU WANT *REAL* KANSAS CITY BARBECUE, YOU'VE GOT TO COME *HERE*, DON'T GO TO ANY OF THE OTHER BARBECUE RESTAURANTS IN KANSAS CITY!"

Does this happen in other nations?  Who makes the best taco in all of Guadalajara, Mexico?

"SURPRISE GOLD MEDAL WINNER: TACO BELL!"


Sit-down restaurants always take the menus away right after you order.  How come?  What if you decide you want more stuff?  Do you just have to remember or will they give the menu BACK?  I never asked but next time I'm gonna.

"How was the pork?"

"Excellent, my compliments to the chef."

"Would you like to see the dessert menu?"

"No but what can you offer me in a STEAK?"

What would they say?

"Ummm... Sorry, we can't do it this way.  You have to get up and wait again like for the roller coaster."


The finest restaurants don't list the prices on the menu.  Money is no object.  I like that, it's classy, but they should make a fun game out of it where all the prices are randomized and once in awhile something extravagant turns out to be super-cheap.  You get the bill all like "WHOA, that flounder was on special today for $2.99!  Thanks, suckas!"  Conversely, "Great, you HAD to get a second water.  They were twelve bucks each."

FAST food restaurants all seem to be gravitating towards this assembly-line ordering procedure.  Subway started it.  You can't just order, you have to go through this item-by-item interview process.  "White or wheat?"  "Any mustard or mayo?" "How about some pickles?"  "Any bacon or meatballs?"

Is fast food just growing increasingly tired of the people that don't know how to order right?  The idiots that ask for Happy Meals at Burger King?  Or is the thinking just that since they have all of the ingredients around anyway, let people mash them together however they want!

"Sure, throw some barbecue sauce on those eggs.  That's how we DO it in Kansas City!"

Somewhere, that McDonalds chef that personally crafted the Arch Deluxe, is crying.  For a lot of reasons.


The best clams in Tucson:

Click HERE.