Friday, April 11, 2014

Table manners


"No elbows on the table" is the stupidest rule ever.  What if you have an amputated hand but still need to rest the elbow part of your arm on the table anyway?  Does someone yell?  "GET THAT OFF!"

When setting places for fine dining, all the knives and napkins and forks and spoons are supposed to be in certain areas.  and there's a specific fork you pick up for salad, it's called a salad fork.  What the hell goes on if someone serves Campbell's "Chunky" brand soup?  They never officially settled that fork or spoon debate.  What if you pick up the wrong implement and the person across the table from you gets mad?  Knives and forks are RIGHT THERE.  Those can be weapons, man.  and even if you are a STAUNCH spoon enthusiast a spoon can still hurt if you whip it at somebody's head really hard.

There is this very special, polite, delicate way that people are supposed to eat artichokes.  Most people can't relate because they never get served that.  Think of an Outback Steakhouse "Bloomin Onion" though.  It's similar.

All manners go out the window when you eat pizza.  Everybody just grabs and proceeds to do the craziest shit ever.  I've even seen people eat it BACKWARDS.





Is there ever a breach of etiquette when it comes to eating Sloppy Joes?

"That wasn't sloppy enough.  Nothing fell."


Possibly the most revered table tradition is a very young toddler spitting all over a birthday cake in an attempt to blow out candles.  Then afterwards it's "Which piece do YOU want?"





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