Happy 10th anniversary Jared from Subway: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted February 27, 2008)

Okay unless you have been living under a ROCK I'm sure you have seen in commercials that Jared is celebrating the 10th anniversary of his Subway diet that allowed him to lose over 250 pounds.  Jared has become a national hero of sorts, but what do we really know about him?

Here is everything I was able to find out about Jared:

- He weighed 425 pounds during his junior year in high school.

- His father, who is a doctor, told him he was gonna DIE if he didn't lose the weight!  (That's why he did it.)

- Jared is JEWISH.  He cut the ribbon for the opening of the first Kosher Subway in Cleveland in 2006.

- Jared has poor eyesight.  I can tell so because he wears glasses.


I was very disappointed that this was all I was able to find out.  I have so many remaining questions!

For example, is Jared WEALTHY?  He has been making those commercials for a long time, I imagine he commands a pretty penny.  Does he live in a mansion?  Does he get lots of LADIES?

Is he still on that same diet?  If so, he must be getting really sick of it by now!  I bet he eats other things.  Also did he save a lot of his super-fat clothes, or just the pants?  He should put stuff on e-bay.

Does Jared have a bodyguard?  He seems like a nice, popular guy, but I bet a lot of people also want to mess with him.  Jared is probably not too tough, and it would look bad for the company if someone roughed him up.

What is Jared's favorite Subway menu item?  I know he lost weight by eating the veggie sub and the turkey, but that can't be what he likes best.  Does he ever pound down a big meatball hoagie?  Like on his birthday?

The people have a right to know.  I think Subway needs to come out with a Jared book so we can get the whole story.  I called Subway and told them this and the person said, "I just work here, I don't have anything to do with that."  Bad attitude.

I will do more research and hopefully have some more information on Jared within the next few weeks.

s T a Y  t U n E d


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Cough drops

What's in them?  a lot of times it's menthol or eucalyptus oil.  Other times it's CHERRIES.

Dude, are you serious about eliminating that cough or not?  If you are really sick, DON'T EAT CANDY.  You need straight-up HALLS that taste bad, or if you're really hardcore you can take Fisherman's Friend.

Fishermen are hardcore.

Cherry cough drops are just candy disguised as medicine.  It's like the orange Tic-Tacs, they do nothing.  Or the tropical fruit ones.  Because if you're REALLY CONCERNED about your breath, you want a God damn Tic-Tac fruit salad.  Take an ALTOID.  There's no grape Altoids, they only have flavors that are serious.

Imagine going to the mouthwash section at the supermarket and seeing a "Mountain Dew" flavor.  Would you BUY it?  Cherries and Mountain Dew do not kill germs.  Peppermint kills germs, everybody knows that.

What else is out there?  Toothpaste with champagne in it?  Cinnamon dental floss is okay.  That is REASONABLE.

Basically, medicine is neither food nor drink.  REMEMBER that.  It's stuff you take to either get high or healthy.  Gum is a weird in-between thing.  There's so many kinds.  You can either chew it for better breath, to taste something candy-like for "awhile," or because you have a thing for the Orbit girl and want to pretend she likes you.

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The Guy Who Never Sits Down: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted February 22, 2008)

You know how sometimes you are at a party and you are standing but then there's an empty chair?  and for whatever reason you just keep standing, like maybe you really just are more comfortable that way?

Then somebody that's sitting notices the chair and notices you standing and says, "Hey man, sit down!"  Like you didn't notice the chair or thought you weren't allowed to sit or something?  So now you definitely want to stand so that the person won't think you wanted to sit but were waiting for some kind of invitation or permission.

You say, "No, I'm good, thanks," hoping that will be the end of it.  But they won't let it go.  "Come on, sit down!  There's a chair right here!"

Now it's a thing, you and that chair, and there's no way you're giving in.  You want to diffuse the situation as quickly as possible but there's no way out.  You start saying stupid things.  "Naw, I've been sitting all day!"  "Time to make my legs do some work and give my ass a break."

It does not work, and now the standoff is getting bigger and bigger.  People are being called in from other rooms.  "HEY, THIS GUY WON'T SIT DOWN!"  There is a heightened level of interest and confusion.  "NO, HE ALWAYS STANDS!"

Now you are officially "The Guy Who Never Sits Down."  Because you can NEVER sit down after that, everyone would make such a big deal out of it.  "Hey, he finally sat down!"  Everyone applauds.

So don't go to parties is my point, you're just gonna get into trouble.


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Meteors and Asteroids (We're all gonna die!)

Woo boy!  Some close calls these past couple of days.

First of all, the meteor.

a lot of people in Russia were injured by this thing, but as far as I've heard, no deaths.  Good.  I gotta say that as long as I wasn't killed or disabled or disfigured in some way I would kind of like to be injured by a meteor.  What a STORY to tell!  and it's yours for LIFE.  "I was walking down the street and this really small part of a METEOR hit me RIGHT ON TOP OF MY HEAD!  I was like WTF?  True story."

The asteroid was a much bigger concern.

Scientists and some other glasses-wearers were certain that it would not hit the Earth.  But I was still a little worried about it, like when you need a football kicker to "just" make an extra point to send a game into overtime.  You're not really NERVOUS, because they are USUALLY really accurate kicking extra points, but imagine a kicker screwing up and his chipshot extra point goes way off to the right and destroys the Earth.  Total f-word moment.

The asteroid did not pass close enough to be visible to the human eye.  Maybe some animals saw it, some of those animals that see really well.  I wish it came a little closer, but still at a safe distance.  That would be a neat excuse for a party.  Cookies and punch in the backyard with your friends, and then you SEE the asteroid go by.  Everyone cheers.  You could also make a really big "WELCOME ASTEROID!" banner, depending how weird you are.

"Asteroids" was one of the most popular Atari games, but it was flawed.  There was no reason to fly your ship around.

All you had to do was stay in the middle and rotate to shoot the asteroids.  If you tried to physically move out of the way of one you were screwed.  Unless you waited until there was just one little bit of rock left.  Then you could linger around and wait for a UFO to come, and shoot it.  (Senseless murder!)

I was pretty good at the game, so if there's ever an emergency where we DO need to send a real-life spaceship to intercept an asteroid that's going to kill all of us, I am willing to help.  Fee is negotiable.

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There are too many awards shows: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted February 13, 2008)

Both on TV and otherwise.  What are people doing with all these trophies?  We could melt them down and use the money to pay for OIL.

Idea: Ban trophies

I do not think awards shows are good.  We give awards to people that were in movies and people that recorded popular music.  News flash: They already got PAID for that!  and geez if you already starred in a popular movie, do you really need any more attention?  Some of these people are even naked in the movies.  Enough already.

Another thing.  If you give an award to someone, it should be the PEOPLE that decide who gets it.  Not some committee of fools and cowards hiding in the shadows.

Basically I think the awards shows should be more like the political elections, and the political elections should be more like the awards shows.  If you win some dumb award you don't need a whole ceremony, they can just announce it on the news.  and Election Day would be more interesting if they all wore tuxedoes and read things out of secret envelopes.  Why did society pick Election Day of all things to underhype?  There should be more HOOPLA. 

Other than the President, people never get to vote on anything good.  Everybody goes crazy over "American Idol" but in the long run nobody cares who wins that.  There should be lasting consequences.  The winner should be given a position in the Cabinet and get to have their picture on money.  Maybe record a new National Anthem.  Better people would be in it if you could win stuff like that.

Also, there are too many differences of opinion in society that never get settled.  We should be able to vote on things that would be made official for all time, like the official all time coolest dinosaur.  Everybody would be interested in something like that.


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Crock Pot vs Slow Cooker

So if you haven't been following the latest slow cooker news (and SHAME on you if you haven't) the Crock Pot company has been getting all sensitive and protective of its brand name.

If you didn't know, all Crock Pots are slow cookers, but not all slow cookers are Crock Pots.  So Crock Pot wants to be recognized as the original and BEST slow cooker.  Problem is, they're all the same.  I own a Crock Pot.  I own a slow cooker.  There's no difference.

It's isn't like the Kleenex thing.  People will say "Kleenex" when they mean "tissue" as if the terms are interchangeable.  It's often inaccurate, but nobody cares.  You say "Hand me a Kleenex, please" when you need to blow your nose.  No one, including douchebags, is douche-baggy enough to say "These are actually Great Value brand tissues from Walmart, but here's one anyway.  Check your facts next time."

(Are there Great Value douche kits?  I guess I don't want to know.)

ANYHOO there IS a DIFFERENCE.  Kleenex brand is made better.  It is the cadillac of facial tissue.  "Puffs" brand might dispute that, but the fact is you never hear anybody say "Hand me a Puffs," so they can just SHUT IT.

There's no kind of demonstration the Crock Pot company can use to prove why its product is better.  Crock Pots do not absorb a blue liquid at a better rate than other slow cookers.  If you drop a Crock Pot and a slow cooker off a roof they are both gonna break.  Both products incorporate two simple things, warmth and time.  Only God has power over warmth and time, not you, Crock Pot.  You plug a slow cooker, ANY slow cooker, into the wall and it does its thing.  COOKS SLOWLY.  There's no way to improve upon it.

There is, however, a way to at least once again be RECOGNIZED as the top slow-cooking brand.

***sPoKeSpErSoN***

The right spokesperson can really make a difference.  Where would K-Mart be today without Rosie O'Donnell and Laverne?

So since you REALLY have no leg to stand on (imagine a Crock Pot with legs, useless but funny), you need to go all out and pay top dollar to bring Bill Cosby out of the shadows.  He hasn't pitched anything, good or bad, in a long time.  Jell-O moved on and Kodak went out of business.  The Coz still has a few good years left.  USE him.  He'd probably feel all rejuvenated.

"Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, buy an ACTUAL Crock Pot.  They're boop ze wip, man."

(Then points into the empty pot.)

"PUT somethin in there and now you're COOKIN, boy."

(Then dances a little and makes a Cosby face.)

"SLOW cook it, Jack."


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Stuff that happened at school: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted February 7, 2008)

Okay the first thing I remember is that when a few kids would get rowdy the teacher would make everybody in the class put their heads on their desks for a few minutes.  Sometimes with the lights off.  That was a good system for getting people to calm down, they should use it on Hardball.

Remember milk time?  That was da bomb, chocolate milk in the middle of the school day for no apparent reason.  What was up with the kids that picked white milk?  Did their parents make them pick that or did they just like it better?  If you are reading this and you were ever a parent that made your kid pick the white milk, FUCK YOU.

Milk money is like the first big responsibility of your life.  Don't ever lose that 35 cents, man.  If you do you have to walk home all mopey and scared of consequences.  Remember the kids that had to have their change purse pinned to the sleeve of their jacket?  They would still lose it somehow, forget their jacket or something.

Adult people never seem to drink chocolate milk in unison.  How come?  I guess because they usually can have a beverage whenever they want.  They don't have to wait in a single-file line at the drinking fountain.  That was pressure.  Trying to get a drink while everybody is looking at the back of your head, trying to control your audible slurps, kids behind you timing it...

What was up with kids getting nosebleeds?  They couldn't even go to the nurse, they just had to sit in class with a tissue and their head tilted back.  Do full-grown people ever get spontaneous nosebleeds?  If so I bet they are disqualified from certain jobs.  If you get nosebleeds you can't be one of those English guards with the big fuzzy hats, I bet.

You know what I liked?  CLAPPING ERASERS.  That was a good job because you had to go outside to do it.  and kids always do a real good job clapping erasers because they don't want to go back to class.  That would be a good way to get more things done.  Employers should recognize that nobody likes to be stuck in an office when it's nice outside.  Let people volunteer to go out for awhile and pick up litter around the city.  You can do paperwork when it rains.  If it's nice, go out and paint a park bench or help deliver mail.


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The Penguin Blog

Penguins are beloved.  By all.  Even a bad person like Hitler would have liked penguins.  (They all look the same.)  I am glad that he died, and that penguins are still around.

Not all penguins live at the South Pole, but some do.  It is extremely cold and icy there, unfit for human habitation, but penguins are able to persevere.  They can survive the harsh climate.  Even so, I have a question.

CAN'T WE GET THEM OUT OF THERE?

It's not a nature preserve, it's the SOUTH POLE.  Just because they CAN survive there doesn't mean they NEED to be there.  Get them out of that cold!  They can FEEL that, they're not SNAKES.  Send a big boat, put all the penguins on it, and deliver them to other places.  Put some in Canada.  They'd probably like it.

and speaking of bad Hitler types, there is also the Penguin from Batman.

What a mean jerk.  What's his problem?  and who fights with an umbrella?

and speaking of jerks and fighting, there are also the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Why are they called that?  I get it that penguins are comfortable on ice, but they're also cute little peaceful birds that tragically cannot fly.  Not too menacing.  Why not "Pittsburgh Polar Bears?"  That's a way deadlier animal.  When a fight breaks out everyone could roar and yell "MAUL!" and stuff like that.  and it's not like polar bears aren't cute, too.

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