2013 Year in Review Blog

2013: Obama against the WORLD.

Besides getting to be President, it was not a good year for this man.  Most people do not like him anymore.   The main reason is "Obamacare," which is pretty much the worst idea ever.  He has been really stubborn about it though, possibly because it is named after him.

Another bad thing was the government shutdown.  Millions of faceless government employees were laid off.  There was no one handy to collect taxes or inspect food, at least for awhile.  Then it all got fixed, but I do not remember how.

So a pretty bad year for Obama all around, but do not worry.  Unlike Clinton (in wife disguise), he is not allowed to seek a third term.


Conversely, the Catholic Church had like their best year EVER.

The New Hip Pope made shocking announcements, such as that God loves EVERYONE and nobody has to go to hell anymore.  Many Catholics were startled by this, all like "Oh, for SERIOUS?"

Most people agree that the New Hip Pope is doing a really good job and should continue to do so.  There are others that disagree, but in the eventual words of the New Hip Pope, "Screw That Noise."


Incomplete list of people that turned out to be racists in 2013:

- Duck Dynasty Guy
- Bob Dylan
- Paula Deen


2013 was a really bad year for MAYORS.  They were smoking crack and sexually harassing people all over the place.

The ROYAL BABY was born in 2013, and boy isn't he a cutie.

Besides all Superbowls, it was the most important thing that ever happened.


Another main problem in 2013 was unemployment.  According to my staff, roughly 100% of Americans are currently unemployed, and they might be next.  Whatever.


Happy New Year.  This was the very best magazine published in 2013:

Click HERE.

Ugly Christmas Sweater Party

Get this out right now.

Anyone can see where it's going.  Instead of STRICTLY wearing ugly sweaters, people are beginning to come up with "costumes."  We do NOT need a "Halloween 2."

They have Ugly Christmas Sweater gatherings at bars.  Like it's meant to be an easy icebreaker for single people.

"That sweater is UGLY, lady."

"Thanks.  But aren't you at least supposed to PRETEND you aren't looking at my tits?"


So I'm not saying don't GO to an Ugly Sweater Party, just don't overthink it.  Wear an ugly sweater like a normal Ugly Sweater Party person.  Don't show up draped in tinsel (TINSEL) or as the "Human Candy Cane."

Be normal, it's better.

Click HERE.

New Christmas story that I wrote: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted December 23, 2008)

Okay in this story there are two penguins named Aukie and Pingo and they of course live at the South Pole.  Aukie and Pingo are kind of sad because they can't find jobs.  Then one day they meet Rusty the elf, who was on his way to do field work for Santa Claus in Argentina when a storm blew his kayak off course and he wound up at the South Pole.

They all get to talkin, and Rusty explains the whole Santa Claus deal to the penguins, and says that if they can help him get his boat back on course he will bring them back to the North Pole with him and get them jobs in the Santa Claus regime.  You know, working in the toy shop or something.

The penguins round up six friends and they all let Rusty harness them to the kayak and they jump in the water and are out to sea.  (See the imagery is like Santa with his reindeer, except it's penguins in the water pulling a kayak instead of a sleigh.)

They pull Rusty all the way to the southern tip of Argentina and then he thanks them and gives them a toy shop business card with his name on it.  Aukie and Pingo are like "Wait a minute, I thought you were taking us to the North Pole!"  Rusty says, "Oh, well yeah we can do that but first I got to verify every kid's address in South America, and then they're sending me to Tobago to check on who's sleeping and who's awake, and then I've still got all this vacation time I gotta use up before the end of the year or else I lose it..."

So basically he ditches them.  As he races off in his go kart (the kayak turns into a go kart for travel on land) the penguins ask "CAN YOU AT LEAST TELL US HOW TO GET TO THE NORTH POLE?" and he yells back "JUST WALK UP THE COAST!"

Now these eight penguins are walking up the western coast of South America and they ain't in too good a mood.  Morale is LOW.  There are lots of complaints.  ("It's hot out here, man."  "How far is the North Pole anyway?"  "I didn't even tell my wife I was leavin.")


On the way to the North Pole they have many adventures, and one by one the penguins begin to abandon the pack.

- One gets addicted to caffeine while passing through Colombia and wanders off on his own splinter quest to work for Juan Valdez

- One becomes captivated by tales of a sunken treasure ship off the coast of Panama and leaves the group in pursuit of riches

- One is so dismayed by the high rate of street crime in El Salvador that he hatches a scheme to infiltrate a youth gang and sabotage their plans from the inside

- One signs on as a bullfighter's apprentice in Mexico

- One bumps into an ex-girlfriend at Sea World and hangs back in hopes of rekindling the romance

- One gets arrested at the Canadian border because they think he's a different penguin (they all look kind of alike) that has known ties to drug smugglers in Vancouver


So that leaves just Aukie and Pingo, walking up the Canadian coast and into Alaska.  They follow the signs to the city of "North Pole," which of course is not THE North Pole, it's just a suburb of Fairbanks.  Since they are just penguins, Aukie and Pingo don't understand the difference, and since it's Christmas time in North Pole, Alaska it is not too long at all before they track down "Santa Claus."

Lots of kids are in line to talk to Santa, so the penguins have to wait.  They get in line.  Two penguins waiting to see Santa Claus is regarded as quite the spectacle by the citizens of North Pole.  People begin to point and laugh.  a man takes a picture for the local newspaper.  By the time Aukie and Pingo get to the front of the line, a huge crowd has gathered.  The local news media have shown up with their cameras and microphones.  No one can wait to find out what the penguins will say.

Finally it's their turn.  They hand Santa the business card.

"We were promised work."

All eyes on Santa Claus.  How would he fulfill such an unusual request?

Of course this was not the real Santa, but it WAS the real life postmaster of the 99705 zip code, just working the Santa Claus gig part time on nights and weekends.  Ever wonder where a letter ends up when a kid mails it to Santa Claus at the "North Pole?"  Yep, it goes to 99705.

So yeah he got Aukie and Pingo jobs in the mailroom.  Full time with benefits.

THE END


I know this story was kind of all over the map, but so were the penguins.

Also don't worry about that penguin that was wrongfully jailed at the Canadian border.  He escapes later and clears his name.

(But that's another story.)


Click HERE.

Why do people want milk during a snow storm: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted December 20, 2008)

As soon as three inches of snow fall everybody is at the supermarket going crazy for milk, eggs, and bread.  For what?  Emergency french toast?  I imagine the same thing happens before hurricanes and typhoons.  "We can't go out and might die but it won't be from lack of CALCIUM because we have plenty of MILK!"

Wouldn't it make more sense to stock up on true essentials like steak and frozen pizza and beer?  Aside from cereal you don't use milk for too many things.  You gotta put that little splash in the macaroni and cheese I guess.  and maybe during a snowstorm you might want to knock back a few White Russians.  That's hardly essential though unless you have some hardcore White Russian version of alcoholism.

and the eggs, what are those for?  "What if we get snowed in and someone has a birthday?  We'll need cake."

I understand that you need food around during emergency times but why not more variety?  a storm hits and everybody is living in 1950 again.  "Tacos during a storm?  That's unheard of.  Where's the milk?  I need my hourly ration."

So if you are one of the nutjobs rushing to the store to buy eggs, bread, and milk when the weather is bad KNOCK IT OFF.  Just buy regular food, it tastes better.  Also a good pot of spaghetti or rack of lamb can really boost morale during hard times.  People usually don't panic when they have a full stomach.  (Exception: Bulimics)

Don't drink milk.  It's stupid.


Click HERE.

Get that new "Sound of Music" out

Stop making new versions of old stuff.  They are never as good, and it's not like you can't just watch the ORIGINAL version AGAIN.  What's stopping you?  Almost everyone has the technology by now, or at least a DVD player.

They actually made an A-Team movie with someone ELSE playing the Mr. T character.  and a new version of Star Trek with a different Mr. Spock.  and all you fools and suckas enabled it.  You PAID MONEY to see a phony Spock and a fake Mr. T.  Don't do that!

Let's make a Carrie Underwood "Wizard of Oz."  Ben Affleck can be Scarecrow, Keanu Reeves can be Tinman.  Cowardly Lion not sure, maybe Samuel L. Jackson.

"I'M FUCKING SCARED, MOTHAFUCKA!"


Some suggestions for more bad ideas:

"It's a Wonderful Life" starring Robert Downey Jr.

Kojak 2014 with the X-Files guy (bald)

New Muppet Movie with different Muppets

"Casablanca 2: Back in the Habit"

a Three Stooges movie (hey wait didn't that one actually happen?)

"DIRTIER Dancing"

"Mr. Holland's Way Worse Opus"

Mike Myers as the Godfather (super-hilarious version)

"E.T. 2: Extra-Terrestrial Boogaloo"

Remake of  "Gone With the Wind" with even MORE racism

"Batman Unmasked"

a Mr. Ed movie where he says "FUCK YOU WILBUR!" and runs away, and then Wilbur (played by Adam Sandler) embarks on a hilarious quest to find him

"Tom Hanks: THE MOVIE!" (NOT starring Tom Hanks)

Home Alone AGAIN: Pesci Claus


Like George Lucas used to say, if you can't do something right don't do it at all.  There's no place like home.

Click HERE.

The Crack-Smoking Mayor and the New Hip Pope

These guys gotta meet, man. Ultimate buddy comedy right there.  I do not know if the Catholic church currently allows "bromances," but if they don't, they will SOON.  The New Hip Pope will ensure that.

So I know what you're thinking.  "HEY THOSE TWO DON'T HAVE MUCH IN COMMON!"  Well yeah okay but CALM DOWN.  Yes YOU, angry shouting person.

That's how friendships work.  Two people that have nothing in common meet each other, usually under some kind of "circumstance," and then they agree that they initially do not like each other, but are gonna HAVE to work together.


(Here is an example, that I WROTE.)

New Hip Pope: LOOK Crack-Smoking Mayor, I don't like you and you don't like me, but we are gonna have to work TOGETHER to make this world a better place.

Crack-Smoking Mayor: I am willing to compromise as long as you are at least willing to smoke crack SOMETIMES.

New Hip Pope: NO WAY.

Crack-Smoking Mayor: Well then I guess we are just gonna have to agree to disagree.

New Hip Pope: Why?

Crack-Smoking Mayor: To DO this.

New Hip Pope: Do what, exactly?

Crack-Smoking Mayor: END SIN.

New Hip Pope: I don't really need your help with that.  You are a mayor that smokes crack and then lies about it.

Crack-Smoking Mayor: D'oh!


It would be endless hilarity, don't you agree?

(Here's the murder version.)

 Click HERE.

Christmas shopping: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted December 4, 2008)

This is how Christmas shopping is supposed to work.  It's Christmas time and you want to give somebody a token of love and/or appreciation.  (Yes it's and/or.  You may not appreciate your son-in-law, and you don't usually love your doorman.)  So then you consider the person, put some THOUGHT into it (that's the key), and select an appropriate gift.  "I THOUGHT you would like this.  Merry Christmas."

It should not be any more complicated than that.  Yet here is a list of phrases that become more and more common with every passing year:

"I have no idea what to get you."

"Should I buy it now or do you want to get it for me for Christmas?"

"They got me the WRONG THING."

"This counts as your Christmas present."

"As long as I HAVE to get you something it might as well be something you like."

"I have the receipt if you need it."

"I need to spend at least $20 on her."

(in the case of gift cards) "This way YOU can pick out whatever YOU WANT."


and then there are the shenanigans.  I have seen people try on a jacket to make sure it fits, and then they leave the store while the other person buys it for them.  Then they have to pretend they don't know it's in the bag and actually go through the charade of having it sealed in a box with wrapping paper until it's actually Christmas Day.

Not to get all Charlie Brown but DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT?

It's like people have come to think of Christmas presents as a yearly allowance that they want to ensure they get the most out of.  You're not supposed to pick out exactly what you want and have someone purchase it for you out of a sense of obligation.  You're supposed to be grateful for whatever you get as long as there was some apparent thought put into it.

I mean I'm fine with making a Christmas list or dropping good-natured hints, but some people take it too far.  You shouldn't be calculating how much you're going to get and from whom.  You shouldn't deliberately not buy something you want because you can just get someone else to pay for it.  The only thought you should be putting into Christmas presents is what other people might like.

and there should be no stress involved.  Christmas shopping is not a CHORE, you're supposed to want to do it.  If you have all your Christmas shopping finished by the end of September you a terrible fool that's missing the point.  It also is not a CONTEST.  Who is getting up at 3am the day after Thanksgiving to save money?  Even if you don't have a lot of money, you still have your DIGNITY.  I bet the Waltons never trampled anyone to death because there was a good price on wagon wheels.

If you cannot participate in Christmas without remaining thoughtful, calm, and genuine, you are part of the problem.  The perfect gift is not the biggest television that was purchased at the best price.  The perfect gift is any little thing the recipient didn't realize they wanted or needed right then.  That could mean earmuffs, or it could mean a pizza.  Everybody's different.

Don't buy crap, though.  Nobody needs "Muppet Monopoly."


Click HERE.

Why do people like to drink the same thing all the time?

When you EAT, you like to sample a lot of different things.  Experience as many delicious and exotic flavors as possible.  I think it is why people like Golden Corral and Chinese food so much.

But then when it comes to beverages there will be this person in your office who specifically drinks Diet Dr. Pepper EVERY DAY.  "I love Diet Dr. Pepper.  Don't even come near me with no Diet Mountain Dew."

Change that shit up, man.  There should be some kind of beverage buffet where you get to sample everything.  I mean obviously there are wine tastings, but it's still all wine.  There are BARS, but even then they're always like "Can I get you another?" and they mean another of the same thing.  How come after one Bud Light it can't be like "Now I'd like some Orange Crush.  Then a latte.  and then some Strawberry Nestle Quik."

DRINK DIFFERENT THINGS.  Don't be all Southern and hostile about preserving the taste of Coca-Cola.  It's just a drink, it ain't damn Jesus.  (Sorry.)

The healthiest thing to drink is water.  It is also the cheapest.  Kind of weird.  Like if spinach was free but people wanted to eat Funyuns anyway.

Click HERE.

Cranberry sauce: Canned vs fresh

Kids are stupid when it comes to food.  Irrationally picky.  "My corn flakes are too soggy!"  "This meatball is not round enough!"

SHUT-UP.

It then becomes increasingly bizarre when an adult person is that way.  "No WAY can I eat chicken noodle soup if a noodle is hanging out of the bowl."  "There are not enough vowels in these Alpha-Bits!"

Again, SHUT IT.

People get weirdly mad at their breakfast foods.  How come?  Just grumpy at the beginning of the day?  Old people are always (ALWAYS) sending back eggs in diners.  "16 pancakes are not enough.  Stack it HIGHER for me, ya big BITCH."  Your bowl of Lucky Charms does not have ENOUGH purple horseshoes in it, and you feel robbed.

Robbed by a leprechaun, which is the worst kind of robbery.


So then there's this Thanksgiving thing where certain people INSIST that the cranberry sauce needs to be this exact log with rims.  If you attempt to make a FRESH cranberry dish at least one relative will be offended.

Somebody, perhaps me, should act all STAUNCH about Stove Top Stuffing.  "It just ain't Thanksgiving without Stove Top!  SCREW your dang darn homemade stuffing to HELL."

Little kids prefer Kraft Macaroni and Cheese to the homemade kind.  WHY?  Because it's orange?  I will freely admit that orange is a popular color, but other colors are nice too!

There is this microwavable version of Kraft Mac and Cheese that is called "Easy" Macaroni and Cheese.  Like the stove version is so difficult.  Who screws THAT up?  "Oh, I forgot to heat the water."

and don't EVEN get me started on this war between the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese people and the Velveeta Shells people.  There has been way too much violence over that already.

Happy Thanksgiving, Pilgrims!  (and Indians)


Here is a person that will never have a urinary tract infection:

Click HERE.

Energy drinks: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted November 19, 2008)

Everybody in the world likes to complain about being tired and not getting enough sleep.  Instead of just resting more, most people now turn to energy drinks.

Where did energy drinks come from?  Japan.  People in Japan draw a lot of cartoons and build a lot of cars and computers so they gotta stay alert and focused.  Now the trend has crossed the Pacific and taken America by storm.

Energy drinks are especially popular with young people.  Young people have important lives and need to stay alert in case a night meeting goes long or there's a missile launch.

Of course the truth is that 99% of the people buying energy drinks are LAZY LOSERS that have no good reason to stay awake.  Next time I see a kid buying an energy drink I am gonna yell at him.  "Why do you need that, are you a late night security guard or something?  JERK."

You know who doesn't need energy drinks?  a FARMER.  Farmers get up at 4am to milk cows and plow fields, fueled by nothing but good country bacon and eggs and a good night's sleep.  Well sometimes they do cocaine I guess but mostly it's bacon, eggs, and sleep.

DO YOU REALLY THINK ENERGY DRINKS ARE SAFE?  If you were going in for surgery and the doctor said "This will be a long night!" and started chugging a Red Bull would you be cool with that?

I think Barack Obama needs to come forward and condemn energy drinks.  People like to listen to that guy.  He should say, "I don't need that crap, I drink great American COFFEE!"  I feel the President saying "crap" would grab a lot of people's attention.

Ben Franklin did not need energy drinks to stay productive, he just went to bed early.  We should all try to be more like Ben Franklin, except physically.  That guy was money.  (Pun INTENDED.)


Click HERE.

Wrangler jeans are for the toughest men

If you've ever seen a commercial for Wrangler jeans, you know that men that wear them are tough.  Brett Favre, for example.  Whether he's cutting grass, tossing a football around the yard, or loading bales of hay into the back of a pick-up truck for no apparent reason, he always wears his Wrangler jeans.

The reason?  Comfort.

Everyone is allowed to be comfortable, even tough men.  When a hunter tries on one of those orange vests or a pair of camo pants, he's allowed to complain to the tailor if they're "too snug."  The tailor will then flutter his arms and go running to the back all like "I'll get another pair of pants for you right away, SIR."  They are two men in need of reaching a pantual agreement.  Caring about how pants fit makes neither of them less tough.

Lately, though, Wrangler has gone a bit too far with this "V" vs "U" campaign.

They put the respective letters on the butt part of the pants in an attempt to be subtle, but as usual I was not fooled.  You see there is a lot of psychology involved in retail marketing.  "How do we get the consumer to regard our product as superior to the competitor's product?  Hmmm, let's see..."  I'm okay with good-natured subliminal advertising and all, the kind the makes children crave cigarettes, but there ain't too much subliminal about suggesting that if you buy a competitor's brand of jeans you will have a big "V" in your pants.

The BUTT part of jeans is the LEAST IMPORTANT PART.  Everyone knows that.  All of the comfort issues and potential injuries are in the front.  So just come out and say what you mean!  Unless you are wearing Wranglers, you have a certain part of the female anatomy that starts with a "v" and rhymes with a certain capital city of Saskatchewan and is also called the vagina.

Don't think you're being subtle, Wrangler, because you're NOT.  What exactly is the "U" supposed to stand for?  I haven't been able to figure it out.  Gotta be something MANLY, though.  Uncircumcised?  Urination difficulty?


Here are some TOUGH CUSTOMERS that would never consent to wearing vagina jeans:

Chuck Norris doesn't wear vagina jeans...

...he impregnates them.

Click HERE.

The Hip Hip Hippopotamus Blog

The hippopotamus is the most dangerous animal on Earth, including sharks.  (Sharks can't get at you as easily.)

It is the third-largest land mammal behind the elephant and the rhinoceros.  That's what I heard at least, although to me a hippo and a rhinoceros seem to be basically the same size.

(See?)

Hippos stick together in herds, but rarely interact.  Nobody knows why, including Dr. Phil and Jack Hanna.  It only takes a female hippo eight months to have a baby, so they have human-type women beat.  At least in THAT way.

Even though the hippo is dangerous, you never really hear too much about hippo attacks.  a good idea for a horror film, in MY opinion, would be a new take on Alfred Hitchcock's (did he get made fun of in school for being named that?) famous horror flick "The Birds," except with hippos.  Hungry HUNGRY hippos, just mauling and eating everybody.  Especially Jeremy Piven.

Sometimes the term "hippo" will get used as an insult towards fat people.  Like "GET OUT OF THE POOL, YOU HIPPO!" or "I'M SUING YOU FOR DIVORCE, YOU HIPPO!"  But since the hippo is also the most dangerous animal, I wonder if it's also ever a compliment.  Like how extra-tough or tenacious athletes get called lions and tigers sometimes.  "GO GET 'EM, TIGER!" and so on.

a basketball player has a great game and the coach  is like "You were a god damn HIPPO out there!  You KILLED 'em!"

Who is the Hungry Hungry Hippos world champion?  Do they do that?  Like with rock-paper-scissors and the Grammys?  It should be tradition to swallow a marble if you win.  Or at least a white gumball, since that's safer, but you don't get to chew.

Click HERE.

Bumper stickers are for people that like to argue

Otherwise why put one on there?  It's never any kind of total agreement sticker like "LET'S FIND A CURE FOR CANCER" or "CRIME IS BAD."  It's usually something that people are 50/50 on.  You're either "OBAMA" or "NOBAMA."

If you put a bumper sticker on your car, you do so because you want people to see and read it.  It's not like getting a secret tattoo on the body parts that only doctors and TSA hires get to look at.  EVERYONE will see.  and yet there are so many strange "arrest me" type choices.

The main way people like to argue these days is via (yes VIA) texting.  You are not allowed to text in the car anymore, you legally have to store up your anger for later.  There have been many arrests over this.  People texting while driving.  They do it because it's SO important IN THAT MOMENT to get a message to someone.  You cannot pull over before texting "jamal is a better daddy to his kid than you will EVER be to yours, stupid jerk eric"  There is simply no time.  Stupid jerks like Eric need to be told off IMMEDIATELY.


a lot of cars these days have neat modern devices.  Global Positioning Systems and cupholders and clocks.  Car manufacturers are also always competing to make THEIR cars the ones that employable people want to sit in and/or drive.  So even though, much like when I participate in charity walks, I always forget to ask for money I will now reveal yet another of my revolutionary ideas for free.

Electronic bumper stickers.

The wording changes based on mood or intention.  You speak into either a microphone or a similar microphone-type device and whatever you say is then displayed on the Electro Bumper screen. (Electro Bumper TM Captain Dan)

As an example, you could say:

"I LIKE THE GRATEFUL DEAD"

Then someone else with an Electro Bumper pulls up behind you with the message "GRATEFUL DEAD ARE OVERRATED"

Then you're like "FUQ U"

and they're like "EAT A DIQ"

(You cannot pronounce correctly-spelled profanity into your Electro Bumper or else a special police officer is automatically alerted and then quickly speeds up to arrest you.)


I hope that all of you will enjoy this service very much as soon as scientists help me invent it.

Meanwhile,

Click HERE.

BOO: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted October 31, 2008)

Well it's Halloween time which means lots of spooky fun for kids and certain unmarried adults.  Let the terror begin with this special Halloween blog.


Halloween is a holiday, but you still have to go to work.  They might let you wear a costume, though, depending on what your job is.  People like priests and the mailman just have to wear their regular stuff.

Americans eat more candy on Halloween than any other day of the year.  Most of the candy is "fun size."  Don't eat a king size Snickers on Halloween, you will spoil your appetite.

Dracula can only be killed by a wooden stake through the heart.  That's what they say but I'm pretty skeptical.  When was this put to the test?  If he walked away from flaming airplane wreckage I'd be convinced.  Also what if the earth explodes?  Does Dracula just float around in space forever?  He apparently does not suffocate.  So next time someone tells you that Dracula can ONLY be killed by a wooden stake through the heart you tell them "BULL SHIT."

If you go to a Halloween party at school they will probably have donuts and cider there.  It is the spookiest food and drink combination, as determined by the Food and Drug Administration.

a Jack-o-Lantern might seem like a waste of a pumpkin, but the truth is there ain't too much else you can do with pumpkins.  Pie for Thanksgiving, I guess.  Other than that the pumpkin is pretty useless, but people keep growing them because they are cool to look at.  It's like when people have fish as pets.  You just look at them for a month and then throw them away.

Frankenstein is not actually named "Frankenstein!"  That was just the name of the doctor that built him and brought him to life.  The monster did not have a name I don't think.  Good thing Dr. Frankenstein wasn't married or the monster would have been named "Austin" or "Tyler" or something like that.

Some places will set up a "haunted house" for Halloween, designed to give visitors a good-natured fright!  Most of these attempts fall flat, however, as they fail to incorporate the most common fears.  (Heights, needles, public speaking...)

More people are afraid of clowns than skeletons.  This is because skeletons are educational, whereas a clown is just loud and creepy.  If you are afraid of skeletons you are not allowed to be a scientist.

The worst Halloween costume?  Santa Claus.

Halloween is a good day for practical jokes but only certain kinds (jumping out of a closet with a knife, fake bloody stump hand that gets pulled off when you shake, etc.)  No replacing someone's ear drops with super glue on Halloween, save that for other times.


Click HERE.

I gotta ask, what's with this zombie popularity?

For a long time, zombies were known for being the lamest and easiest-to-kill of all monsters.  That is why they always attack in groups.  Much like Hitler, a lone zombie is useless.

You can just lop (yes, LOP!) a zombie's head off immediately and then move onto the next one.  There's no interpersonal relationship.  It's not like with vampires where they pretend that they want to be friends at first and then quickly turn on you.  Zombies are incapable of subterfuge.

The Wolfman does not need help when he wants to kill people.  He just does it himself all honorably.  There is no army of wolf-men.  So I guess what I'm saying is that zombies are really just a bunch of scared pussies.  That's why they always congregate in large numbers.  There's never been any kind of badass loner zombie that takes care of unpleasant business all by himself.

In spite of their shortcomings, zombies these days are more popular than EVER.  People love to dress up as them.  There's zombie conventions, zombie dances, zombie pub crawls, zombie bingo, zombie charity walks, zombie pool parties, and extra-EXTRA-slow zombie chess.

Why aren't mummies popular too?  Not emo enough?  Imagine a Twilight-type novel about a sad mummy.  "I DESERVE TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS!"  The end would be a teenage girl slowly unwrapping a teenage mummy's bandages until he was NAKED!

Then the Wolfman would attack and maul the naked mummy to death.

(The teenage girl would be sad, but she would never forget him.)


Zombies are known for liking to eat human brains and flesh.  Do they like regular food too?

"Ooh, a warm pretzel!"

If a whole bunch of people dressed as zombies show up at Golden Corral, do they get kicked out?  If so, where CAN they go?  Can you wear a Halloween costume on the BUS?

 "Not THIS bus."


Click HERE.

Cereal (Part 1): a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted October 23, 2008)

For many years, children's cereal commercials depicted an unreasonable level of conflict and strife.

Some typical plots:

- The Trix Rabbit pines for a simple bowl of cereal, but little children delight in attempting to starve him to death

- Lucky the Leprechaun plays cruel headgames, trumping up his product as "magically delicious" only to snatch it away at the last second

- Sonny the Cocoa Puffs Bird suffers abuse at the hands of children that take pleasure in the force-feeding of the mentally ill


I think most of this has been stopped by now because the President decided it was teaching kids to do bad stuff.  Kids are supposed to SHARE.  They are not supposed to steal things and pick on animals.

Tony the Tiger used to have a whole family but you never see the rest of them around anymore.  Divorced I guess.  That happens too often with celebrities.  Did all cereal mascots have bad lives?  Captain Crunch seemed like a really good guy, but maybe he secretly had alcoholism.  At least he never let it affect his work.  Frankenberry Monster had a positive attitude, but also diabetes.

Being a cereal pitchman (they're always male) seems like a rough gig, it's such a competitive field.  Kids usually only eat two bowls of cereal per day.  They are pretty discerning when it comes to placing their trust in somebody.  It's almost impossible for a new cereal mascot to make a big impact on the scene.

Here is a list of FAILURES:

- Fruity Yummy Mummy

- Ice Cream Jones

- Officer Krum

- Undercover Bears

- Alpha Bits Wizard

- King Ayummayumma

- Big Yella the Corn Pops Cowboy

- The S'morcerer

- Colonel Corn Burst

- King Vitamin


Probably the most notorious flop ever was "Wally the Bear," who temporarily replaced "Dig 'em the Frog" as the Honey Smacks spokesperson in 1986.  There were many riots in the streets that day and the whole thing ended with a bunch of corporate firings.  (Frogs are tons popular, why doesn't everybody understand that?)

Fruity Pebbles is good but come on do they still need Fred and Barney?  It's 2008, those guys ain't got too much endorsement cred no more.  "If you want to know what's a good cereal, ask the Flintstones!"

"If you're looking for the best-tasting candy bar, check with Popeye."


Click HERE.

The HISTORY of PIZZA

Most humans, including history buffs, like to eat pizza.  Those same humans and history buffs can often tell you "who shot whom" and which country won which war and exactly when Jesus died.

BUT!  You never hear the exact details of where we got pizza from.  So as usual it's up to me to provide that information.  The government has been useless in doing so, and also in several other areas.

So here goes it.

Like the Olympics and most other things, pizza originated in Greece.  They just were not doing a very good job marketing it.  Not enough toppings.  There was no stuffed banana pepper pizza available in 19th century Greece.  Too bad, imagine if someone had thought to invent that all out of nowhere.  He probably would have made a million dollars, at LEAST.

So as usual, Italy stole, and introduced the modern day version of pizza as if it were an invention of their own.  It was slow to cross the border into America.  People in grandparent tymes used to be way too staunch (yes STAUNCH) about their ethnicity.  They would get all mad like "What is this?  Something NEW?  I will NOT try it!"

Since then, most old people have died though, so almost everybody likes and accepts pizza now.

Americans were afforded their first taste of a "pizza pie" courtesy of Italian immigrants who used to walk up and down the street carrying washtubs full of pizzas on top of their heads.  (I am NOT kidding about that.)  As usual, the simplest marketing strategy proved to be the most effective, and pizza quickly became all the rage.

Nowadays pizza is available almost everywhere!  You can get it at Pizza Hut, Papa John's, gas stations, concerts, festivals, Chuck E. Cheese, and usually bingo. You can probably even get it in hell, but it's probably "thin crust."

"Deep dish" pizza is very popular, especially in Chicago.  Do the restaurants there ever get competitive over which establishment has the DEEPEST-dish pizza of ALL?  If so, bring back the washtub, I say.  But instead of just selling one pizza off the top, slice the whole tub up real thick like happens with lasagna and cake.  Then call that Man vs Food guy to show up and try to eat it.  He really likes pizza, I heard.

After he finishes he also has to eat a spare-tire-sized chocolate lava cake and is also not allowed to die while eating it or else he "loses."

Click HERE.

Bugs: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted October 17, 2008)

Aside from being cool-looking, bugs ain't too cool.  They bite, sting, scare people, and infest things like a mother.  There is no way to get rid of bugs, as they are part of God's plan.  Fortunately he also implanted us with the good sense to murder them frequently and without hesitation!  (Exceptions: Butterflies, ladybugs.)

Bugs have "exoskeletons."  I like that, it seems very sanitary.  No sweating or anything.

Ants are said to be very strong, but you never hear a weightlifter described as having "ant-like strength."  Then again I guess you don't hear too many people describing weightlifters.


List of ways to fuck with ants:

- Put one on a helium balloon and let it go (outside)

- Put one on a tennis ball in the middle of the pool

- Put a few ants in a Tic-Tac box that is taped to a bottle rocket

- Put them on a record (one that's playing)

- Feed them some chocolate-covered ants and witness the horror when they eat through the chocolate shell


There have been several animated movies in which bugs were actually the PROTAGONISTS even though they are the bad guys in real life.  Very Godfather, no?

Fun fact: 50% of people that claim to be allergic to bee stings are either lying or have been lied to.  Good luck proving it though.

I wonder if any bugs in the woods have been accidentally shot by hunters?  That would be 1000 times more difficult than a hole-in-one in golf.  Sadly, if it ever happened, the hunter probably didn't know.

DID SPIDERMAN EVER KILL A SPIDER?  Did the other superheroes ever kill spiders when Spiderman was AROUND?  If the Incredible Hulk wants to kill a spider does he have to be very careful not to smash the whole wall?  Any comic book nerds out there get back at me.


Click HERE.

Hot Wheels, Matchbox, REAL cars, and more!

Cars cost a lot of money.  That is why you only buy them once in awhile.  It is a major COMMITMENT, like most spouses and larger-sized pets.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox type cars cost way less than real cars and require very little maintenance.  Still, if you are a kid that does not have a lot of money, picking one out is a major decision.  99 cents does not grow on trees.  (Imagine if it did, and also fell on people's heads regularly.)

Unlike what happens with real cars, nobody in the toy store will ever personally help you pick out a Hot Wheel or Matchbox car.  Try asking "May I see it?" like when you're shopping for jewelry.  They won't let you!  The Toys R Us employee will just stand right next to you as you stare at it through the plastic.  They will not let you test-roll it down the aisle.  You are not allowed to taste it.  You are not allowed to lick it.  How are you supposed to know what you're GETTING?


There are also these "model" cars that are a major upgrade from Hot Wheels but still non-functional.  They're still fake, just bigger and much more expensive.  I never had a pretend car like that, but I would see them in other people's homes and have to constantly be reminded that they were "not toys."  No rolling it around on the carpet, it's too big and important.  No putting it in the microwave or throwing it in the pool.

Sometimes pretty ladies are hired to stand next to very nice new cars.  Or else they sprawl across the hood or do a joke oral thing with the muffler.  Anything to attract a consumer.  There should be a collection of plastic car bimbo "minis" that you could put on or next to your Hot Wheels to help glamorize them.  What would be a good price for that, though?  The CAR is a dollar.  How much is the girl?  Imagine a gumball-type machine that's FULL of them.  Then you don't like the one you get, so you put another quarter in and try again.  Throw the first one out, she had too many opinions anyway.

Click HERE.

The economy: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted October 9, 2008)

I am a pretty decent expert on how the economy works because I got taught that at school.  So now I will explain it to you.  The economy is like when you buy an ice cream cone.  You probably won't want another one right away.  and if you do, it won't be as good as the first one.  That is why people only get paid once a week, it makes them appreciate it more.

Right now the economy is bad.  Most American families cannot afford essential things like gasoline and cereal.  a lot of people want to blame the government but maybe instead they should look in the MIRROR.  Think of some bad stuff you did to help ruin the economy.  Did you return something the day after Christmas, or accidentally drop your wallet in the sewer?

At any rate, things are pretty badly F*CKED UP!  Now in spite of what they say about me down at the public pool, I am not the kind of person that complains about a problem without offering a solution.  So here are some ideas I came up with to help turn the economy around:

1) No more gifts for pets.  Times are hard, and all the money that's being wasted on squeak bones, balls of string, and tiny little football jerseys could help save a neighbor's floundering business.  and here's the kicker: the pets won't even care!  They are perfectly content with free things like sticks and belly rubs.

2) Whenever you roll coins, leave the roll one short.  No one ever checks!  We'll all be dead (and rich!) before they figure it out.

3) Ban magicians.  They are always ripping up valuable hundred dollar bills, or making them vanish or lighting them on fire.  Then when they pull money out of your ear it's just a quarter.  Pretty bad deal.  a lot of them also waste money on wands and costumes when they could just use a stick and regular clothes instead (see "pets" above).


If you want to learn more about the economy there are several good books you can read.  I do not have the names of them handy but trust me they are good.  Check at a bookstore if you can still afford to buy things, or else go to the library.  Remember that the library is bad for the economy though so you should only get the books there if you like irony.


Click HERE.

So the government shut down, eh?

How come I'm still getting mail?  EVERY DAY, including junk mail.  That is NOT essential.  You could deliver on Mondays and Thursdays only and people would still get by.

The shutdown means that the Statue of Liberty is "closed."  F you, I can still SEE it, sucka!  I've never felt the need to "go in" and be all inside the Statue of Liberty's body.  Next time they renovate they should add internal organ exhibits.  "This is the Statue of Liberty's brain."

There could be a thing where you put a coin in a slot and get to see it go all the way down the Statue of Liberty's intestines.  Then the money goes to help pay government wages.  More ideas like THAT and we wouldn't HAVE all these problems, see?  SEE?

So get on that, Obama.

STOP SAYING "OBAMACARE."  Especially you, Barack.  That's OUR word for making fun of YOU.  Ronald Reagan never himself uttered the term "Reaganomics."  He only said "shmooply booply" and "God hates Russia" and other things like that.


Ever since the government shutdown, things have gotten TERRIBLE.  There have been so many layoffs at NASA.  Astronauts accomplished NOTHING this week.  The CIA hasn't been able to spy as much, and our parks are overrun with weeds.  Jesse the Body has been on TV yelling about all of this, but also mostly about buying his new book.

In his book he suggests that Oswald didn't really kill Kennedy.  Maybe he's right, maybe he's wrong.  But here's a good question.  WHY DO PEOPLE STILL CARE ABOUT THAT?  It was a pretty long time ago!

Imagine Hulk Hogan going on TV to theorize that an apple didn't actually fall on Sir Isaac Newton's head.

Maybe it did, brother.  Maybe it didn't.

Some other things affected by the government shutdown include the Lincoln Memorial, the Smithsonian, the Grand Canyon, and the I.R.S.

Things NOT affected include mail and church.  You can continue to enjoy both of those freely.

Click HERE.

Spell your name right: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted October 3, 2008)

Okay a big problem of the modern day is that about 98% of all people's first names are spelled wrong.

Years ago names were easy to spell.  "Mike" was "M-i-k-e."  "Ben was "B-e-n."  Even a potentially complicated name like "Jennifer" was a consistent "J-e-n-n-i-f-e-r."

Then along came "Sean," who was sometimes "Shawn."  Since then, the floodgates have opened and people now spell any name any old way they want.  They think that this will make their child special, but all it produces is a lifetime of corrections and the inability to purchase a novelty license plate for your bicycle with your name on it.

"Sean" and "Shawn" have now been joined by "Shaun" and "Shawne."  Like you really need that "e" on the end, it adds nothing.  "Well I want my kid to be different!"  Shut-up, all kids are the same.


"What is your name?"

"Mel."

"Oh that is m-e-l, I assume."

"No actually it's m-e-h-l-l-e."

Terrible.


It is time for the government to intervene.  We only need like 100 names, that is enough.  No more substituting an "i" for a "y."  "Cindi," "Marci," "Kimberli," all of you get out.  No "Kevans," "Genniphers," or "Phranques" allowed.

All Presidents in history have had properly-spelled names.  That is FACT.  Also the Beatles, the Brady Bunch, and the Apostles.  So let's end the nonsense.

(PS: Any pregnant ladies that need help picking a name for the kid can e-mail me and I will help for no pay.)


Click HERE.

Skywriting

Skywriting was the original Twitter.  It just was way harder to do and the messages were even shorter, usually.

Being a skywriter would be neat, but how exactly do you get that job?  Airlines are pretty STRICT.  Not anybody can just start doing it.  What is the interview process like?

Employer: We need a skywriter that is going to be very serious.

Applicant: I'm your man.

Employer: Also, you can never be TARDY.  Skywriting has to be done at very exact times.  Do you have reliable transportation to and from work?  The plane doesn't count.


(Do people these days still know what "tardy" means?  It kind of sounds like offensive slang, but it isn't.)


So then from there is there some sort of audition?  How do you PRACTICE skywriting?  Everybody sees.

Imagine they instruct you to go up and practice by skywriting the alphabet, and it starts out okay but then you mess up the corners of the "D" and it turns out like a real crappy "O."  If that happens, you're finished.  Don't even think about flying back to try to "cross it out."  The audition is over.  Just land.

and then even if you GET the job, how do they account for people that tend to flip out at work?  Regular airline pilots have a co-pilot that is prepared to take over in the event of an emergency.  Does a skywriter have someone sitting next to him with a syringe and a dictionary?

"I'm here just in case you screw up."


Sometimes there are sky-written marriage proposals.  Not smart.  #1 you didn't write it, idiot.  Another guy did.  Plus HE can fly a plane.  You can't.  Who do you think she is gonna pick to marry?

a sky-written resume or suicide note would be a better IDEA, but there would still be problems.  Too many letters blurring at different rates.

Click HERE.

Where is Ronald McDonald part two: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted September 26, 2008)

I am still waiting for Ronald McDonald to come back and save his burger franchise.

McDonalds has gone way downhill ever since some guy made a documentary movie in which he ate nothing but McDonalds and then died.  Since that time, McDonalds has made bad changes to its menu, introducing foods no one could ever possibly want like chicken biscuits for BREAKFAST and some kind of walnut salad.  They also have stopped caring about children and only seem interested in selling coffee.

It is time for the corporate STOOGES at McDonalds to wake up and remember why they got into this business in the first place.  McDonalds is supposed to be about giving people what they want.  and what do people want?  BURGERS, FRIES, MCNUGGETS, and APPLE PIE.  Get rid of all the other weird food inventions, if people want to eat a bunch of crap like that they can go to Wendy's.

Now let's not kid ourselves, everybody knows how the scam works.  They give away all the food at dirt-cheap prices and then totally jack the customers on the drinks.  That being the case I think it is time for McDonalds to simplify itself and just go buffet style.  All-you-can-eat burgers and fries for like 4 bucks, everyone would love that.  Kind of a radical change, I know, but there is one man that could smooth it over and get America excited about McDonalds again.

and that man is Ronald McDonald himself.


Here is a script I have been working on for the new McDonalds buffet commercial...

(Some of the corporate stooges are in the McDonalds office having a meeting.)

Stooge 1: Okay, umm, customers are not happy with our new walnut ranch bacon wrap, what should we do next?

Stooge 2: We should raise drink prices.

Stooge 3: No let's invent something else.

Stooge 1: Well uhhh we could make Arch Deluxe 2, I guess.

(Ronald McDonald kicks the door in.  Rap music can be heard playing.)

Stooge 2: Ronald McDonald!  Where have you been?!

Ronald: In your mama.

Stooge 1: Oh hello Ronald, umm, can you please help us fix this horrible mess we've made of your company?

Ronald: Yes, we gotta go buffet style.  All the great food everybody wants at one low price.

Stooge 3: We can't do that, we'll go broke!

Ronald: I do not care about money.

Stooge 1: Okay uhh I guess we could try unlimited burgers and fries but no McNuggets at the buffet, okay?

Ronald: The hell you say, I am Ronald and we're doing it.

Stooge 3: Oh no!

Stooge 2: What about hot apple pies?

Ronald: Unlimited pie for all.

Stooge 1: and Happy Meal toys?

Ronald: Everybody gets two but you gotta buy a drink.

Stooge 3: The ramifications of this will be huge!

(Cut to shot of the Burger King with a gun to his head.)

T O  B E  C O N T I N U E D


The next series of ads will feature Ronald at the buffet hanging out with celebrities, like Prince and Michael Jordan.


Click HERE.

Saturday morning cartoons

Dang but what does a kid enjoy more on a Saturday morning than watching cartoons?  Cartoons are way more fun than soccer and Temple.  At least they USED to be.  Saturday morning cartoons started to get phased out sometime around the O.J. Simpson trial.  (Remember THAT?  He did it, btw.)

Let's forget about murder for awhile and all remember some cartoons together, shall we?

Kids used to wake up so excited on a Saturday morning.  Cereal and pajamas, impatient for laughs and adventure.  The main cartoons didn't start until 8am, so if you got up too early, you would be turning the dial all anxious and desperate.  Anything animated would do, even if it was religious or otherwise lame.

There were some real awesome main cartoons.  Scooby Doo, Superfriends, Fat Albert, and the Smurfs.  There were also some not-so-awesome cartoons, like Happy Days in Outer Space.

Why did this happen?  Why didn't they just show a regular episode of Happy Days instead?  I guess because kids would not want to watch that on a Saturday morning.  Outer space adventures are much more exciting, especially when they're FONZIFIED.  (tm Captain Dan)

Other TV shows made weird transitions to the Saturday cartoon schedule as well.

(The Gary Coleman one was before he died for real.)


The Snorks should have attacked the Smurfs.  Ratings gold.  The Smurfs ran out of ideas after like the seventh season, and the Snorks were never too popular anyway, so why not turn them into the bad guys?  Could the Snorks breathe on land?  Probably not.  So they would have to attack and eat the Smurfs all Jaws-style.

***cArToOn tRiViA***

Q: What color is Smurf blood?

A: Black.

One of the highest-rated Saturday morning cartoons EVER was Muppet Babies.  I have issues with it, though.  #1 how come Rowlf the Dog was the only Muppet Baby that had to wear a diaper?

Was it supposed to be some sort of "not housebroken yet" joke?  Also WHO the F is "SKEETER?"

That is NOT a valid Muppet.  They had to pick ten Muppets for the show out of like a MILLION but somehow couldn't find TEN that they were happy with.  They actually invented a new one.  Why couldn't Sam the Eagle be a Muppet Baby?  Or else Dr. Teeth or that idiot that throws the fish?  I guess they didn't want Miss Piggy to be the only girl.  One girl is not enough for a TV cartoon about animal puppets that are also babies, you need two.  I wasn't there, but I assure you that employed people sat in a meeting at a TABLE and reasoned that out.  Good work.

Good work to you as well, creators of Rubik the Amazing Cube.

There could have been a Swedish Chef Muppet Baby or something like that.

Click HERE.

Whales and dolphins: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted September 17, 2008)

First of all whales and dolphins are not mammals, I don't care what anybody says.  It's like when people try to tell you that a watermelon is a vegetable.

There are special resorts you can go to if you want to hang out with dolphins but it costs a LOT of money!  The money pays for the training, which is important.  Don't just jump in the ocean and expect dolphins to be cool and want to hang out for free.  They won't.

Has a killer whale ever killed somebody?  They seem so friendly.  When it finally happens no one should have the nerve to act surprised.

Dolphins are supposed to be smart and easy to train, kind of like dogs.  If we kept them as pets I wonder if they would still do bad stuff sometimes.  You come home and your dolphin has been in the garbage again.

Male dolphins are called "bulls," females are called "cows," and the children are called "calves."  All of this was stolen and needs to be changed for obvious reasons.  We can't have some kid looking at a picture of a lady dolphin and the caption says "a cow."  (Dolphin cow all smiling in the picture, not caring about being named that...)

Don't ever put something in a whale or dolphin's blowhole, that is how they BREATHE.  Well I guess it might be okay to put a cough drop in there, but no rocks or pennies.

Whale songs are not too good, but maybe we just picked bad whales to listen to.  How can a scientist tell if the whale he's listening to is the equivalent of Michael Bolton?  Somewhere out there is a Springsteen whale, waiting to be discovered.


Click HERE.

Are Energizer and Duracell still enemies?

Those two companies used to REALLY hate each other.  Both equally determined to solidify their position as the #1 battery manufacturer.  There were lots of lawsuits and dirty tactics.  Thank God the rivalry never became outright violent.  Many injuries could have been suffered in neighborhood skirmishes and schoolyard scraps if either side's loyalists ever took up arms.  You can't actually "shoot" a person with a battery-powered toy laser gun but you can crack somebody real good on top of the head with it.

Nowadays, Energizer and Duracell are still running neck-and-neck as the top two battery brands, but there seems to be way less hostility.  I guess both companies ultimately realized that nobody cares what BRAND of battery is inside something.  You just want it to be one that's actively providing power.  The only time you look at a battery is when it's broken.  Otherwise they are always kept in hidden compartments.  You have no idea what's in there.  Until it STOPS working and then you go to take the dead battery out and that's the only time you recognize what the brand name is.  "Stupid broken wall clock!  Why did you stop working?  I'll just turn this clock around and have a look...oh Duracell again.  FIGURES."

Why put your name on the battery at all?  They already bought it.  Leave that shit blank, no one will be able to trace it to you after it dies.

Ever wish you could own and run the #1 battery company in the WORLD?  I'm sure you do, otherwise why would you be reading this?  So I will tell you how to do it.  There's an easy way to market a battery that would be heralded as superior to all other batteries.  The most popular battery of all time.  No one would ever want or buy any other kind.  and it's all so simple.

You introduce a battery that's...

"included."

ALWAYS included, with any electronic board game or lady toy that needs one.  The manufacturers of battery-dependent products would have to raise their prices a little in order to compensate you, but they would happily do so.  Nobody likes having to buy the batteries separate.  It's not "upselling," it is a SCAM.  It's not like being offered a drink, credit card, or extended warranty.  You need the batteries or else things like toy lightsabers and Electronic Battleship will simply not function.

Then again if Energizer and Duracell have been telling the TRUTH all this time, you could probably just find some around the house that still work decently okay.

Click HERE.

Hurricanes: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted September 12, 2008)

There are two certainties in life: Hurricanes and taxes.

Everybody these days is being killed or frightened by hurricanes.  Most of the victims are the poor working class.  Rich people are usually able to escape hurricanes using their expensive CORPORATE JETS.  It is unfair, but so are hurricanes.

Hurricanes are very dangerous.  Wind gusts often exceed 50 miles per hour.  Here are some ways you can die in a hurricane:

- Drowning

- Blown off a roof

- Hit in the head with flying debris

- Electrocution

- Heart attacks

- Trampling

- Bitten by spooked rattlesnake

- Murder


Q: How do they decide what to name a hurricane?

A: They ask the President, but he always picks a name that starts with "A" and then the next one is "B" and so on.  He starts over at the beginning of the year.

Why don't earthquakes get names too?  Not as cute I guess.


Okay so that's basically all you need to know about hurricanes.  One is supposed to happen this weekend so everybody get ready.  If you have any last-minute questions you can e-mail me.


Click HERE.

Game shows

On Jeopardy you used to have to answer in the form of a question.

WHY!?!

The smartest idiots in the world have to abide by this nonsensical dumb rule or else they LOSE MONEY.  It's like if you were FORCED to play chess using only your left hand.  Or else the right if you were one of those people that was somehow born opposite.  Imagine how stupid it would be if you lost points in chess for touching one of the action figures with your functional hand.  That's how Jeopardy was.  For YEARS.


There was this problem on Wheel of Fortune where everybody figured out what the most common letters were.  R-S-T-L-N-E

So the show had to ADAPT and start inventing puzzles that did not include those specific letters.  It was a good idea EXCEPT for the fact (yes FACT) that, for some dipwad reason, they decided to let the contestants choose bonus letters too.  Why did they do that?  Wheel of Fortune puzzles are SUPPOSED to be mind-bogglingly impossible.

For example, something like "BIRD'S NEST"

__R_'S NEST

...is always EASY to guess whereas "XANTHAN GUM"

__NT__N ___

...would be hopelessly difficult.

How exciting would it be, though, to see somebody correctly guess "XANTHAN GUM" without the benefit of bonus letters?  and also to see Vanna turn around an APOSTROPHE?  Stuff like that is what makes television so exciting.


Sometimes on Price Is Right somebody tries to be all shrewd by guessing $1 on something that is almost certainly priced WAY HIGHER than that.  The contestant in question figures that everybody else guessed prices that were much too high and wrong, so they just guess $1 as this sort-of bold attempt to undermine the whole system.  Sometimes it works.  Why do they always guess exactly $1 though?  Why not guess $16 or $120 dollars on something that obviously costs more like a THOUSAND?  You'd win anyway.  What idiots.


Who fills out the surveys for Family Feud?  Just the most boring people ever?

"We asked 100 people to name a food that people eat for breakfast."

and then the result is that 42% of the allegedly random sample said "CEREAL."

33% said "EGGS."

Then there's pancakes, bacon, and at the VERY END like 2% of people picked "COLD PIZZA."

I understand that cereal probably IS the actual #1 thing people eat for breakfast, but if you are the person taking the survey, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU GET OUT OF STATING THAT?  Be creative!  Only 2% of people thought to say "COLD PIZZA?"  REALLY?  and it's easy to say "Well, nobody cares!" but if THAT'S the case, WHY ARE YOU TAKING THE SURVEY IN THE FIRST PLACE?  Do you get MONEY for "right" answers?  If not, fuck it.  "What do people eat for breakfast?  Pork chops.  Write that down RIGHT NOW or else it's game show FRAUD."


Hollywood Squares was the most peculiar of all.  The rules made no sense.  Why would celebrities want to trick contestants into not getting the right answer?

Host: Hey Richard Mulligan, who was the first man on the moon?

Richard Mulligan: Luciano Pavarotti.

Host: Are you sure about that, Richard Mulligan?

Richard Mulligan: No but what the FUCK does it matter to ME?

Host: Contestant, agree or disagree?

Contestant: dIsAgReE!

Host: Circle gets the squaaaaare!

Click HERE.