2012 Year in Review

Wow, what a bad year.  Not for me personally of course but people have been complaining more than EVER.

"No more guns!"

"Weather is getting too different!"

"Let's fire the Pope!"

GEEZ.

Everybody calm down.  It's New Year's Eve.  Please have a cocktail and enjoy my annual Year in Review.


The biggest news of the year was that the Mars Rover landed.  He is checking out the planet in case the citizens of Earth need to relocate someday.  Looks pretty good to me.

The other big story was the Wendy's spokesperson controversy.  The popular hamburger chain had been struggling for YEARS to replace its founder, the late great overweight Dave Thomas, as the "face" of the company.  So in 2012 they tried two different ideas.  The first was the REAL LIFE Wendy:

...thaaat did not go too well.  So they quickly upgraded to a FAKE real life "Wendy."

Sales of square meat are now through the roof.  But I have to wonder how the fat real Wendy is feeling.  Is she bitter?  Plotting revenge?  What action will be taken in 2013?  Someone should reach out to her.  Looking at you, Burger King.  Wouldn't she be perfect for your Superbowl ad?  All taking a bite of a square hamburger and spitting it out?  Then she says "SQUARE ain't FAIR but BROILED is ROYAL."  (TM Captain Dan)

Advertising is not hard, you just need to get people to cooperate.

Anyhoo, in celebrity news, Barack Obama was elected to a second term as President.

This news was not major, since nobody really ran against him.  His ACTUAL top rival is the FISCAL CLIFF.

The fiscal cliff became a looming threat throughout 2012.  It seems the economy is doomed because nobody can agree how to fix it.  Obama thinks rich people should just pay more.  That "Plan B" guy thinks that poor people should just learn to get by with less.  Bill Clinton thinks fat chicks are hot.

WHO IS CORRECT?  Time will tell, as usual.

So that about sums up life in the year 2012.  We ate nutrition bars and complained about Instagram.  We watched something called "2 Broke Girls."

We fished.

I look forward to seeing all of you in 2013 including Mayan people.  (OOPS, you were wrong AGAIN!)

I'll be in the car.


Click HERE.

The most popular Christmas present this year: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted December 29, 2007)

...was the GPS.  GPS stands for "global positioning system."  If you have not heard of it yet, it's a little device you keep in your car that tells you where to go.  "Turn left on Bugaboo Lane" and that sort of thing.  So it's kind of like a robot, but does not have a cool face and hook hands like a robot.

You see people hate getting lost, but they also hate stopping to ask for directions.  Everyone is afraid to get out of the car and ask a stranger how to get somewhere.  The stranger might say "DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING?" or "MAN, YOU ARE WAY OFF!" or something like that, and you would be ashamed.  The GPS doesn't judge you, it helps you get where you're going without robbing you of your dignity.  People are more comfortable getting their directions from a computer, same as porn.

Come to think of it, though, isn't it kind of insulting to receive a GPS as a gift?  "You seem to be kind of an idiot when it comes to directions, so here."  It's like getting a weight-loss video or a box of nicotine patches.  "I could see that you needed some help in this area, but were refusing to help yourself.  Merry Christmas."

Would people mind getting their directions from a robot that DID have a face and arms and stuff?  All sitting next to you in the car, staring out the window.

Robot: Turn left here.

You: Are you sure?

Robot: Of course I'm sure.  I'm a robot.  Look, now you missed the turn.

You: Fuck!

Robot: *sigh*

I think that would be kind of fun.  It gets lonely on the road, you know?


Other things a robot in the car would be good for:

1) Sing-alongs!

The robot could have a built-in karaoke machine, and even sing along with you so you wouldn't feel self conscious.

2) Feats of strength

Robots are very strong.  They can push the car out of snow or mud, change a flat tire without even needing a jack, etc.

3) Protection

If someone tries to carjack you, the robot gets out of the car and beats him up.


Not to mention that the robot is of course also a computer.  He has a monitor on his belly that you can watch porn on when you get to the hotel.


Click HERE.

Snow (EAT it!)

a lot of people don't like snow.  Especially old people.  They flee to the south, where they play golf and eventually die.

I like snow.  You can sculpt it, throw it at people, build stuff, etc.  Also it is very charming.  That's why people write those songs.

Brett Favre likes snow.  Airline pilots do not.  Which of those would you rather be?

a snow MAN is a curious thing.  It looks great at first, and then gets all dilapidated.

The people who root the most for a heavy snowfall are children that don't want to go to school and those that like to ski.  Those two groups don't agree on much else, besides that hot chocolate is good.

Click HERE.

Old toys: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted December 20, 2007)

The all-time dumbest toy was probably Etch-a-Sketch.  You could not draw anything, not even a tree.  Well maybe you could if you were diligent enough, but I never had the patience.  There is probably an Etch-a-Sketch world champion somewhere, some guy that drew a good picture of George Washington or a fish.

Mr. Potato Head is neat because he has a trap door for a butt.  Unfortunately, no one ever thinks to put anything in his butt besides his face, but he actually makes a good storage bin for things like buttons or jellybeans or marbles.

Fun fact: When Mr. Potato Head is full of pennies, he weighs over twenty-five pounds!

Was Easy Bake Oven cool?  I never had one because it was just for girls.  They should come out with a boy version where you can make little pizzas and nachos.

That was probably the only toy that encouraged children to put things in their mouths.  Why are small toy parts such a choking hazard?  Was there really ever a kid that started munching on a handful of Lite Brite pegs?  You can't get a kid at the dinner table to eat carrots or brussel sprouts, but for some reason they find it appetizing to suck down a Weeble.

a lot of times kids will get toys that are just fake versions of real things.  a play workbench, toy doctor equipment, fake plastic food, a toy gun, etc.  This is because it's fun for kids to "make believe."  I guess I can understand why it might be fun to pretend to shoot somebody, but a lot of that other stuff is kind of humdrum and boring.  "Look, kids!  You can pretend to hammer a nail!  Give someone an ear inspection!  Make a sandwich!"  Yeah don't have too much fun all at once, there.

Did Crazy Foam really need to be banned?  It's not like it tasted good.  Maybe kids were trying to shave with it.

(Toy idea: Fake shaving kit!)

(Another toy idea: Jumbo-size Slinky)


Click HERE.

Spaghetti Dinner Fundraiser

Is your church, school, or gun club in need of FUNDS?  Have a Spaghetti Dinner!

I see these things advertised all over the place, and always wonder who goes.  It's one thing if it's YOUR church or school and you want to socialize with people you know and be supportive, but when they advertise to the general public do they get many takers?

I have invented a new character called "Spaghetti Man."  Spaghetti Man goes to every Spaghetti Dinner Fundraiser he hears of, always alone and always first in line.  He wears a red ballcap and cape and has special spaghetti-eating utility gloves.  Otherwise he's just a regular person, it's very simple.

The problem is that while I really want Spaghetti Man to exist, I am unable to fill the role of the character myself.  I am too busy, can't "work nights," and don't wish to eat THAT much spaghetti.  But there certainly is someone reading this that hasn't become famous yet but would like to be.  Spaghetti Man could be your avenue.

It's such an easy part to play, you don't have to do much.  Just keep showing up and eventually you will become "known" for attending Spaghetti Dinners.  The hat, cape, and early arrival will automatically make you stand out.  Also, when the local media eventually show up to interview you, you always just give simple short answers to the questions.

Interviewer: Why do you go to so many Spaghetti Dinners, Spaghetti Man?

Spaghetti Man: I love 'em.

Interviewer: Which Spaghetti Dinner Fundraiser do you like best?

Spaghetti Man: All.

Your enigmatic persona will captivate the public, and soon your personal appearance will be in high demand.  Imagine if two churches are holding Spaghetti Dinners on the SAME NIGHT!  There will be so much SPECULATION.  "Which one will Spaghetti Man choose to attend?!"  (The obvious answer is both.)

From there you move on to paid appearances and endorsements.  Everyone will be excited when you SHOW UP, just like Guy Fieri.  Festivals, carnivals, TV commercials for Barilla, etc.  It's all easy money.

So if you think you would like to be Spaghetti Man, please e-mail me your resume and a brief cover letter and I'll put you under consideration.  The deal is you purchase the outfit and all the meals yourself (they're usually only like $2.50) and then I get 50% of all paid appearances and merchandising.  If you're thinking "Hey, there's nothing stopping me from STEALING this idea!" well, that's true but I'm not gonna endorse or promote you and therefore the REAL Spaghetti Man will ultimately trounce you.

Serious applicants only.

Click HERE.

Billy Mays fanfiction: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted December 12, 2007)

Okay my new idea is that in addition to infomercials, Billy Mays should also have a fictional action-adventure series in which he would use his various products to stop crimes and help the Earth.

Some ideas to get the ball rolling:

- Using Oxyclean to clean up a big oil spill that has endangered birds and Eskimos

- Pulling a broken-down schoolbus full of children out of a burning warehouse with Mighty Putty

- Rescuing abused circus animals from their shackles with the Crocodile Cutter

- Using the Gopher Reaching Tool to retrieve the President's keys out of the sewer

- Repairing a puncture in a plummeting hot air balloon with Sealtite Tire Sealant


Basically the show would be like a combination of MacGyver and Batman.  Billy Mays would wear a big utility belt with all his products on it.  At the end of the show you get a chance to call and buy whatever products he used that day.

See how that works?  He still gets to pitch his merchandise but we also get the fun of seeing Billy Mays in exciting and dangerous situations.  There would plenty of action, drama, fights, love scenes, mild cursing, etc.  I'm sure the show would be a hit.

Oh yeah also at the end of the series, Billy Mays gets married.  I know I'm thinking kind of far ahead but I really think that would make a good final episode.  I'm not sure which of his products could be best incorporated into the wedding, maybe Lint-B-Gone Lint Brush.


Click HERE.

The border patrol

Sometimes Americans want to go to Canada or Mexico.  That means you have to CROSS the BORDER.

There are tons of security precautions.  First of all for getting OUT, but even moreso for getting back IN.  You can't just yell out "I live here!" like when quarreling with an inexperienced doorman.

I appreciate the fact that they are attempting to keep America safe and secure, but I do NOT think it's right that they can ask you any kind of question they want.  and you have to answer quickly and honestly or else you're "suspicious."  What if you're just weird?

***EXAMPLE SCENARIO***

Guard: Are you an American?

Citizen: Yes, sir.

Guard: Why were you in Canada?

Citizen: I...I was working at someone's birthday party.

Guard: What were you doing there?

Citizen: I...was asked to be there, sir.  As a performer.

Guard: What kind of performer are you?

Citizen: I...I'm a mime.

Guard: You don't look like much of a mime.

Citizen: Well I don't wear the make-up while driving.

Guard: Also you're TALKING.

Citizen: I'm off duty, sir.  I'm sorry, I...

Guard: So you have working papers?

Citizen: No, I...I didn't get paid.

Guard: You didn't get paid?

Citizen: No, sir.

Guard: Why would you perform as a mime at a birthday party without being paid?  That sounds SUSPICIOUS.

Citizen: Well I do it...I do it because I like it, sir.

Guard: You like being a MIME?  How come?

Citizen: Well when I was 4 years old I saw this mime on TV and thought it was kind of neat and I don't know I DON'T KNOW I JUST DON'T KNOW DAMMIT I JUST WANT TO GO HOME.

Guard: Step out of the car, please.

Citizen steps out of the car.

Guard: Do the rope thing.

Citizen: What?

Guard: Act like you're pulling something on a rope, like mimes do.

Citizen does the rope thing.

Guard: Now act like you're trapped in a box.

Citizen acts like he's trapped in a box.

Guard: Now pretend to cry but with no sound.

Citizen pretends to cry but with no sound.

Guard: Alright, pretty good.  You have a nice day, sir.

Citizen: Thanks.


I mean it's not as bad as trying to get a on a PLANE.  At least you don't have to be naked.  Yet.

Click HERE.

Stop pretending to be part of Christmas if you're not: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted December 6, 2007)

I would like at least one restaurant or business to admit that a gift card from their location does not necessarily make a "great" Christmas gift.  I mean Office Depot?  Really?

"I noticed your printer was low on ink so I got you this Office Depot gift card.  Merry Christmas."

"Gee thanks, Santa."

Supermarkets have gift cards too.  You know you're a winner if you get one of those.  "I was gonna buy you a present but I thought you could use some food instead."  In other words they got you the same gift they would give to a homeless person.

No one can ever admit that their product, while possibly useful, isn't exactly something you want to find under your Christmas tree.  Even the post office tries to get in on it.  "Give the gift of STAMPS!"  They really should put "...if it's to someone you hate!" in parenthesis after that.

and if they keep pushing all these terrible gift ideas, that must mean someone is receptive to them.  It would suck to be that person's friend, to actually get pencils and stamps and a Dunkin Donuts gift card for Christmas.


There are only four practical Christmas presents you can ever give to an adult person:

1) Alcohol

2) Cigars

3) Candy

4) Omaha steaks


If people wanted anything else, they would just buy it.  Think about it.  Are there caps and sweaters that you want but don't have?  If so, it's probably not because you can't find or afford them.  It's because you're "saving" them as possible things other people can get you for Christmas.  (You won't get them though, you'll get a book you didn't want or else slippers.)

So don't overthink it, stick to my list.  The only way you'll ever screw up is if you pick the wrong thing for the wrong person, like giving chocolate to someone that is allergic to it or giving booze to someone that is Amish.  and even if that happens they can probably just trade.


Click HERE.

Consumer Reports

These people are jerks.

I understand that things need to be kept safe and healthy, but we already have the government and the Food and Drug Administration (*lawsuit pending) for that.

Let's be frank (yes FRANK).  Consumer Reports just does a big bunch of bullshit all the time.  "Some seatbelts are too SHARP on the NECK!  Don't wear them!"

That is douchy.

Does anyone in life want to grow up to be a "fuddy duddy?"  In kindergarten it's like "I want to be an astronaut!"  "I want to be PRESIDENT!"  No one says "I want to be a dickhead researching why a blender is unsafe."

DON'T WORK THERE.

In fact imagine that workplace environment.  Do they feel the need to constantly point out INFRACTIONS?  "That pencil looks mighty sharp."  "Hey your coffee break was exactly two seconds too long so now ha ha you will be REPRIMANDED."

This may sound harsh but in my opinion Consumer Reports can GO to HELL.

(Sorry.)

 Click HERE.

Good riddance to Elmo

This has nothing to do with the puppeteer and the allegations against him and whether he is being treated fairly or unfairly.  I just am a longtime Sesame Street enthusiast who has always hated Elmo.

Elmo does not have the comedic chemistry of Ernie and Bert.  He does not possess the wit and humor of Oscar the Grouch.  He doesn't have the Vaudevillian acting talents of Grover.  and he doesn't resonate with the crises and concerns of children the way Big Bird does.

Elmo (keep in mind this is a not-alive puppet, so I am not BULLYING him) is just a fool that talks way too loud in a shrill, chirpy manner and laughs at things for no reason and speaks incorrectly on an EDUCATIONAL television program.  He also dances like a jackass and goes around bothering everyone.  It may be a masterful example of puppetry expertise, but the puppet itself is highly objectionable and was unfairly permitted to upstage Jim Henson's superior creations for more than two decades.

Now you may be thinking (or shouting out loud at your desk, I have no way of knowing how insane individual readers are) "BUT CHILDREN LOVE HIM!"  Well, guess what?  They don't.  Children at that age don't know what they like, they watch or listen to whatever is presented to them.  Elmo is marketed to adults, not kids.

It's sort of like those awful CDs where very young children sing songs in unison.  Parents and other adults are somehow suckered into buying them thinking "The kids will love this!  They WANT to hear other kids singing about monkeys jumping on the bed!"  Whereas there is not one child anywhere actively thinking "You know what's missing in my life?  a CD with other kids singing the songs that we already get forced to sing at school every day."

In my personal childhood it was Alvin and the Chipmunks.  and at the time, yes, great, we were definitely excited to get a new Alvin and the Chipmunks record.  But after a few years I realized, "Oh wait, there are human adult bands singing and playing these same songs, except way better?  Why can't we have THOSE records instead?" and then like a year after that "Oh neat, ALLOWANCE money.  Now we can!"

Hopefully Elmo "dies on the way back to his home planet."  But if not, and a new puppeteer takes over, I hope there is tons of SCRUTINY.  "You aren't being annoying right" and so on.


Click HERE.

The Butterball Hotline: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted November 22, 2007)

Okay in case any of you fools didn't know, the Butterball Hotline is a toll-free number you can call when you need help cooking your Thanksgiving turkey.  The official name of the service is the Butterball Turkey Talkline, but most people think that is gay-sounding so they like to call it the Butterball Hotline instead.


You call this number if you are having problems like...

- It's time to eat and the turkey is still frozen

- You don't know how to baste

- Missing giblets

You DON'T call this number if you are having problems like...

- a family member has become drunk and belligerent at the dinner table

- Your turkey is still alive and keeps running into the backyard and hiding


More than a quarter of a million Americans call the Butterball Hotline each year.  Canadians are not allowed to call because they have Thanksgiving at the wrong time and also do not pay American taxes.

In fact the hotline has been such a success that I think it's time to build on it.  I have an idea for a new service called the "Stove Top Stuffingline" that people could call for assistance with all of their stuffing-related issues.  If you have ever eaten Thanksgiving dinner at someone's house, I'm sure you have noticed that stuffing is the thing people mess up the most.  The Stove Top Stuffingline would help.

Here is a sample call...

Caller: Hello I am thinking of putting raisins in the stuffing.

Operator: Don't.

See?  Disaster avoided.  Some people don't know that stuffing is made of bread and celery and onions and seasonings.  They think that raisins and nuts and apples and twigs go in there too but they do not.  It is a common mistake.

I called Stove Top with my idea and they didn't seem interested but I am gonna do it anyway.  I just might have to change the name.  I think maybe Stove Top doesn't like the idea of people making their own stuffing, they want you to buy it in the box.  Butterball isn't selfish like that, they don't care where you got your turkey as long as you didn't steal it or trade drugs for it or something.


Happy Thanksgiving to all great Americans!

h o n o r  i n d i a n  t r e a t i e s

If you go shopping tomorrow you deserve to get injured, I hope it happens.

Peace.


Click HERE.

News: Disney to purchase Hostess

Okay it's not exactly "news" because it didn't happen but I am breaking the story anyway.  They seem to want to own everything that's well-liked by children.

TWINKIES: THE MOVIE!

It's coming.  and it won't be just that Twinkie guy in the cowboy hat and neckerchief.

There will be many cartoon Twinkies, all with different personalities.  a bossy Twinkie, a cowardly Twinkie, an accident-prone Twinkie, etc.  There will even be a girl Twinkie.  She will have to wear a shirt, for awkward reasons.

Disney hasn't been good at marketing food.  There is the Mickey Mouse pancake, but that isn't really something you can "sell."  It's too easy to make at home all by yourself.  and wow, does anyone do that?  Make a Mickey Mouse pancake and eat it without another person even SEEING it?  That's one of the loneliest thoughts ever, I feel depressed now.

So anyway, yeah, Hostess is OUT of BUSINESS!  It is the result of a bakery worker strike.  Those people must feel like such JERKS now.  I hope that whenever they go back to work, they only get to make the most unfun things.  Like plain wheat bread and sugarless donuts.  For the REST of their LIVES.

Also it occurred to me that this could all be a scam.  Some genius at the Hostess company brainstorming.  "How can we get people talking about Twinkies and Ho Hos again?  I know, we'll TAKE THEM AWAY and then GIVE THEM BACK!"  Just like Grover Cleveland and the Cleveland Browns.  (HEY!  I never noticed THAT before.)

I don't run a lot of meetings but next time I do I'm gonna open it by saying, "Alright, let's talk twinkie, people."  I think that would be a good expression within the corporate entertainment world.  I am really good at inventing expressions, but unfortunately there's no money in it.  Expressions are the Mickey Mouse pancake of the writing business.

***MILLION DOLLAR IDEA ALERT***

a breakfast cereal comprised of miniature Twinkies, Ho Hos, and Cupcakes.  Do it, Hostess.  It could SAVE YOUR COMPANY!  There's still time.

Who in hell wears neckerchiefs?

Click HERE.

Alphabetical order is a bunch of bullshit: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted November 14, 2007)

Whoever came up with this system was a fool.  Didn't he see the big flaw in it?  The same people go first every time!  First in line at graduation, first to pick their seats on the bus for the field trip, etc.  Totally unfair, it's complete crap.  People's names don't change unless they get married or enter the witness protection program or do some other strange thing.  You might as well go by order of birthdate or shoe size.  Better yet, pick people in order of body weight.  That at least fluctuates a little, and maybe some fat children would finally have to pay for their sweet lifestyle of eating Ho-Hos on the couch.

Jeffrey Dahmer.  John Wayne Gacy.  Ted Bundy.  David Berkowitz.  What do all these terrible people have in common?  Their last names are all near the beginning of the alphabet!  That is not coincidence, that is FACT.  Chances are they always had to pick their seats on the bus first, and then the other kids all deliberately picked away from them because they were such creeps and weirdos.  That turned them to violence, which is one of the drawbacks of alphabetical order.


In the interest of fairness I spent this past summer engineering a new, better system for deciding which kids should go in what sequence.  I call it the "Captain Dan Traditional Method of Fair and Square Selection in Regards to Seating and Other Crises."  ("Captrad" for short.)

Here's how it works:

Step 1: On a sheet of paper, assign each letter of the alphabet a different numerical value between 1 and 26.  (A=4, B=23, etc.)

Step 2: Have a friend or relative do the same, without looking at each other's papers.

Step 3: Add the numerical totals for each letter together and record them on a third sheet of paper, the "master sheet."

Step 4: Determine the numerical value of each child's last name by adding together the total value of all the letters, and then DIVIDE by the number of letters to determine the mean average.  (Kids with long last names won't gain an advantage that way, see?)

Step 5: Using icons on a felt board, line up the children according to your final calculations.  Flip a coin to determine whether the line begins with the highest-scoring last name (heads) or the lowest (tails).  If you don't have a coin, call a friend or neighbor you can trust and have them flip one for you.

Step 6: Rotate one person from the front of the line to the back depending on what day of the week it is.  (One person if it's Sunday, two people if it's Monday, etc.)

Step 7: Rotate two people from the front of the line to the back depending on what month of the year it is.  (Two people if it's January, four people if it's February, etc.)

Step 8: Record the results on paper.  You should now have a completely random list of all the children, by name.  This will be your new master sheet.  Discard the original master sheet to avoid any mix-ups.

Step 9: Enjoy your graduation!  (*or other competition, event, or evacuation)


Another thing you can do is draw the children's names from a hat.  But if you don't have any hats around, you can use Captrad.

(Captrad = patent pending, don't steal)


Click HERE.

EEK! It's my SPOOKY SPIDER blog!

To a lot of people, a spider is the most terrifying thing on the whole planet.

It doesn't have to be that way, though!  Spiders want to be our friends.  and they are pretty much everywhere, so whether you like them or not you're gonna have to get used to them.  They are like the office co-workers of the natural world.  So quit being a COWARD and learn all about the goodness of spiders in this very special fear-conquering blog!

First off, I will concede that spiders are very messy.  Their webs get everywhere, especially in basements and other places that are haunted.  They are easy to get rid of though, just grab a broom.  It's not all difficult like trying to get rid of a wasp nest or raccoon lair.  You knock it down, the spider comes out with its hands on its hips, says "Well, HRMPH!", and goes right back to work.  Repeat and fade.

Other than that, spiders are generally not bothering you.  In fact, they are HELPING you.  Spiders are catching and destroying hordes of dangerous insects all over the world as we speak.  It is a vital part of the ECOSYSTEM.  You wouldn't want to live on a planet without spiders, believe me.  Mosquitos would own this joint.  There'd be no crops.  No animals could survive.  Captain America would be the main Marvel Comics guy.

While most spiders are harmless, there are a FEW species that can bite you with their fangs and poison you with venom and cause you to get sick, feel intense pain, and/or die.  This is not cause for alarm, though.  Spiders like that only live in places where nobody ever goes, like the depths of the jungle and also Australia.

The Black Widow is the most popular spider amongst women.  It is because the female kills and eats the male directly after mating.  Women high-five each other and harness some type of "girl power" from this.  That might seem nonsensical, but much like spiders, girl power is vital to the ecosystem.

The best-named spider is the Daddy Longlegs because they gave it a pimp name.  Isn't that great?  In fact I bet spiders would be liked much better as a whole if more of them had cartoony pimp names.  a lot of spiders are adorned with some pretty flashy colors.

Some spider pimp ideas:

Finally, what's with saying "EEK?"  Is that an exclamation of fear reserved for things that are frightening but also small?  I never hear "EEK, a mountain lion!"  Nobody screams "EEEEEEEEEEEK!" on the roller coaster.  a frightened passenger on an airplane doesn't say "EEK," he says "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" all sensible.

Click HERE.

The wii: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted November 6, 2007)

Lately it seems everybody is doing the wii except me.  I don't have that and don't want it.  You should not stand in your living room pretending to bowl.  What if a neighbor looks in the window?

Also "wii" should not be a word.  Too many modern things are called dumb names.  Ten years ago, did you ever think you would hear someone say "I googled your wii and got a wiki link?"  We are all starting to sound like retards.

"Atari" was a good name.  It really sounded like it meant something.  (It probably did.)

Atari games were intense.  You had to do things like jump over a hole and fire a pellet at a SQUARE.  That might not sound too intense if you never played, but keep in mind there was no way to halt, save, or pause the action whatsoever.  (You couldn't get up to go to the bathroom!)  Also, most of the games did not incorporate the concept of "winning."  There was never a happy ending, you just played until you lost.  The graphics were confusing and the game plots were vague.  Typical game instructions were "shoot everything you see and don't let anyone touch you."  So it was like a combination of freeze tag and a killing spree.

Do they make wii games where you can shoot people?  I remember Nintendo had that gun you could shoot ducks with.  That was wild, I wonder what made the gun work?  My mom used to get scared when we aimed it at each other's heads.  "Stop that!  There are BEAMS coming out of there!"  TV remote, same thing.  "Watch where you point that thing, it might cause cancer."

I also remember that Nintendo used to come with a robot.  I never had the robot, was it neat?  Like, could you make it do chores?  I bet not.  Nothing is ever as cool as you think it's gonna be.  (Example: a new watch.)


Click HERE.

(HUGE NEWS) Star Wars Episode SEVEN!

Wow!  Star Wars fanatics across the galaxy are celebrating the announcement that an all-new seventh chapter in the famous science fiction saga is scheduled for release in 2015.  This is all thanks to Disney, who have purchased Lucasfilm and the Star Wars brand.  What cosmic adventures await Han, Luke, Leia, and the rest of the gang on the big screen?  No one knows, but it is time to begin SPECULATION.

I can picture the opening scene now.  Since it's Disney, the movie will obviously include a lot more musical numbers.  The camera pans down from space to find the spirit of Yoda seated on a log in his swamp home, plucking a ghost banjo.  (Like Kermit from the Muppets, whom Disney have also acquired.)  Then he delights us with a SONG.

Since it's Yoda, there may be some issues getting his lyrics to rhyme.  "Why, so many songs about Jedi, there are" and so on.  But if anyone is up to the challenge it is the great Star Wars song composer John Williams.

Some more things I think fans would like:

- Boba Fett is miraculously still alive and becomes one of the good guys, having seen the light

- Wicket the Ewok as an adult

- R2-D2 and C-3PO are BOTH able to fly, including to other planets

- At least one Admiral Ackbar "trap" joke

- a Sith "Hutt," possibly the son of Jabba, as the main bad guy doing cool CGI lightsaber flips and tricks

- Chewbacca gets married

- Special cameo appearances by E.T. and Mr. Spock

- NO Jar Jar at ALL


One thing I think we can count on for CERTAIN is that we will get to see Princess Leia learn the ways of the Force, including how to use a lightsaber.  Well, there is a slight problem with that.  I don't know how much you know about symbolism in the movies, but when two men duel with sabers or swords, it usually represents, ehrm, something else.  Something that Leia doesn't have.  So giving her one could affect the INTEGRITY of the FILM.  What to do, Disney?  Well, assuming you are reading this, here is the best solution I could come up with:

This is just a hastily drawn prototype of course, I'm sure you could make it much better.  But think of the things she could do with it!  Vanquish two foes at once, or when in singles combat, skillfully lop of a head and any other part of the anatomy she chooses simultaneously.  Plus, you'd be doubling your fanbase!  That means $$$.  Walt would be so proud.


My apologies to any of my non-geek readers who viewed this blog and didn't understand what the hell I was talking about.  Back to normal, next week.  I promise.

and to the rest of you, "UTINI!"  (That means both hello and goodbye in Star Wars language, they stole the idea from "Aloha.")


Click HERE.

Halloween: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted October 30, 2007)

Okay it's time once again for the stupidest day of the year so everybody dump your candy in the punchbowl and let's get this over with.


TIPS FOR DEALING WITH TRICK-OR-TREATERS

1) No chit-chat.  Just give up the goods and let them go.  The kids are trying to get to as many houses as possible, they don't need to be stopping at every one to have their costumes evaluated and commented on.

2) If you encounter any Halloween "cheaters" (kids not wearing costumes, kids showing up at your house twice, kids that are bigger than you) just give them candy and send them on their way.  We're trying to get through this without incident.  a one-cent piece of candy is not worth taking a "stance."

3) Don't use the "honor system," which is when some fool just leaves the bowl of candy outside with a "PLEASE TAKE ONLY ONE :) " note.  You know what will happen.


THE BIG LIST OF BAD HALLOWEEN CANDY

Even though Halloween blows you are still obligated as a taxpayer to buy some decent candy to share.  If I hear about anybody giving out anything from the following list of crap I am gonna have to say some shit.

NECCO WAFERS
MALLOW CUPS
GOOD & PLENTY
SUGAR DADDIES
SUGAR BABIES
CANDY CORN
DOUBLE BUBBLE
CHARLESTON CHEWS
MIKE & IKES
MILK DUDS
POPCORN BALLS
CHOCOLATE SUCKERS THAT TASTE LIKE ASS
HALLOWEEN-THEMED PEEPS
MINTS
WHOPPERS
GENERIC M&Ms
BIT O'HONEY
LEFTOVER EASTER CRAP
RAISINS

It's a once-a-year thing.  Spend $20, you cheapskate.

Also I know a lot of old people like to make up special little Halloween baggies for all the kids with various "treats" inside.  If you want to waste your time doing that, go ahead, but you still gotta put good stuff in there.  Not just some cheap foil-wrapped chocolates and a homemade Rice Krispie square.

Speaking of which, maybe you are really awesome at baking cookies or brownies or something and think it's okay to give that out in lieu of store-bought candy.  Well, don't do that.  Kids think cookies and brownies are good but it's not really in the spirit of the holiday.  It's like watching porn instead of fireworks on the 4th of July.


REMEMBER TO TAKE DOWN YOUR HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS

If you are the kind of fool that likes to gussy up your house with witches and skeletons for the "big day" make sure you get rid of that garbage no later than November 1st.  If you think your hilarious "I.M. Dead" tombstone is something everybody needs to see up until the week of Thanksgiving you are DEAD wrong.  (Get it?)

and by the way if you insist on decorating your lawn with fake Halloween tombstones you should at least be funny and use real people's names on them.  Like go through the obituary section of the newspaper or something.


Click HERE.

Where is the Snuggie?

With the weather turning colder, it should be Snuggie season.  But I haven't seen any around.  and I go to a LOT of bars and football games.

What, are they out of vogue now?  Snuggie-mania was sweeping the nation just two years ago!  and what about all those investors?  There must be chaos on Wall Street.

Why would people get tired of the Snuggie?  It's not a case like VCRs or religion where you upgrade and move ahead, it's a blanket!  With sleeves!  What, you're not cold anymore?  Did those dorm rooms become less drafty all of a sudden?

So it must be a fashion thing.  No one wants to be SEEN wearing a Snuggie.  Why?  Because it looks ridiculous?  IT LOOKED RIDICULOUS TWO YEARS AGO.  and nobody cared.

Some other ridiculous things people have worn:

- Parachute pants

- Flip-down shades

- Bow ties

- Overalls

- Galoshes

- Windbreakers

- Doo rags

- Corduroy

- Paper trainee hats

- Smoking jackets

- Poodle skirts (WHY A POODLE?)

- Curlers (in the hair)

- Adult diapers

- Medallions

- Scarves (on the head)

- Big barrels with suspenders

- Capes

- Fanny packs

- Underoos

- Crowns


So I guess once again time has moved on and the Snuggie will soon be a footnote from a forgotten era.  They should put one in the Smithsonian right next to Fonzie's jacket.

...and Daisy Duke's shorts.

...and Twiggy's skeleton.

Click HERE.

a very bad thing happened: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted October 25, 2007)

This morning I was all about cooking up some EGGS with cheese and tomatoes and jalapenos and sausage and maybe a bagel with some butter, kind of a perfect breakfast except I didn't have any potatoes around to make home fries but oh well, but then there was a BAD INCIDENT which was that I cracked an egg and the clear part of the egg quickly glooped out and landed on the stove and inside and UNDERNEATH the burner.

As you might imagine I was like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK."

The whole cooking process had to be shut down so I could take off the stove top and clean it out.  There was a lot of burnt up macaroni and some other debris in there so I cleaned that out as well and I didn't wind up getting to eat breakfast until it was technically the afternoon.  Now my day is all screwed up and I have to eat lunch at 4 o'clock.

Another bad accident that happened once was when I was trying to hold the TV remote and a big glass of beer in the same hand and somehow the remote flipped out of my hand and toppled into the glass.  Kind of hard to picture but trust me it happened.  So again I was like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK" (even longer and louder because this was potentially a more expensive disaster, remotes cost much more than eggs) but GUESS WHAT?  I took everything apart and dried out all the pieces and put it all back together and it still worked.  True story.

So my message today is BE CAREFUL and WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING.  Don't lock your keys in your car or bang your knee on the car really hard while trying to slide on the hood all cool like on Dukes of Hazzard.

Click HERE.

Doo Wop

Ever hear those old songs on the radio with people bumbling out "bomp ba bomp" and "dip dip dip" and "ram a lam a ding dong?"  Well, guess what?  They're NOT mentally ill, they're singing DOO WOP!

Doo Wop was a form of musical expression in the 40s and 50s that became popular with young people who could not afford musical instruments.  If you want to make music but don't have an instrument you have to improvise.  That's where "jug bands" came from.  But unfortunately a lot of kids were too young to purchase moonshine, so they had no jug.  and since kids are notoriously dirty the washboard and washtub were in almost constant use.  So they fell back on the one instrument they could count on, their mouths.

If you are poor but still want to form a band, just get a bunch of like-minded individuals to be willing to make ridiculous sounds with their mouths and everything will be copacetic.  (Remember THAT word?)

The most famous star of Doo Wop was Bowzer.

He was the leader of Sha-Na-Na and to this day he is one of the surviving members.  and he's still at it, out there "dip dipping" and "whomp bam booming" at huge festivals and senior citizen centers all over the world.  Another one he's good at is dragging out the word "Yeaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh" real long with his deep baritone voice.  Why is it always "Yeaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh" instead of "Nooooooooooooo?"  Like if someone was singing about his "baby" leaving him you could go "Nooooooooooooo" all deep?  I am gonna write a song like that and turn the world of Doo Wop on its ear.  One of these days.

"Bowzer," albeit with a slight variance in spelling for legal purposes, is also the name of the main bad guy in Super Mario Brothers.

Bowzer is the King of the Koopas.  I do not know why the creators of Mario Brothers decided to name him after a Doo Wop icon, but I'm sure they had their reasons.  At any rate, I think the two Bowzers should pool their resources and agree to be a tandem for conventions and stuff.  The video game guy would obviously just be a mascot in a costume.  Original Bowzer is still able to legally appear as himself as far as I know.

But anyway, the Super Mario Brothers theme song would lend itself well to Bowzer's Doo-Wopping, don't you think?

"DIP dip doop, ba bomp ba bomp boop, dip de DIP de dip dip de diddle..." and so on.

(You'd have to know the song to know what the hell I'm talking about.)

It would all be KOOPACETIC!

AM I RIGHT PEOPLE?

Click HERE.

The most terrible thing you can eat: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted October 17, 2007)

I found out the other day that there are these secret things hidden in food that are called "trans fats."  Trans fats will give you a heart attack if you keep eating them.

I do not know exactly where trans fats come from.  I tried looking it up but there were tons of words I did not understand.  That is irresponsible journalism.  When writing journalism, you need to explain things all plain.  "a cat ran in the street and got hit by a bus."  Like that.  Just say what happened, don't get wordy.

Anyway, I heard there was a movie where a guy ate nothing but McDonald's for two weeks and DIED from it!  and it wasn't the made up kind of movie it was the real kind.  What killed him?  I suspect trans fats.

Some foods that may contain dangerous trans fats include:

- DONUTS
- Apple pie
- Margarine
- Potato chips
- Twinkies
- Fried chicken
- Red Baron frozen pizza
- Crisco balls
- Snickers bars
- RAMEN NOODLES (yes!)
- Pound cake
- KFC Biscuits

In fact KFC seems to have been the worst offender ever and now they are starting to make changes because the government yelled at them or something.  NO WONDER THE COLONEL'S RECIPE WAS SUCH A BIG SECRET.  a big, DEADLY secret.  Another part of the secret was paprika.  (Man if he was still alive he would hate the internet so much, and not just because he was an old person.)

Idea: Ban secret recipes (they are too deceptive)

Click HERE.

The Smurfs

Belgium is known for two main things.  Waffles and the Smurfs.  Created in 1958 by the Belgian cartoonist (yes) Peyo, the Smurfs swiftly became the toast of Europe and much like happened with the Beatles (citation needed), it was only a matter of time before they took America by storm as well.  The year was 1981.  The Iran Hostage Crisis had come and gone, and people were ready for something new.

The Smurfs, as seen above, are little blue imps that stand "three apples tall" and live in a secret mushroom village in the woods.  Each Smurf has a specialized skill or trait, and the village is commonly owned without the need for money or a class system.  Gee I wonder where Peyo got THAT idea?

Anyway for them, it worked.  The Smurfs are assigned names based on their individual role in the Smurf community.  (Farmer Smurf, Painter Smurf, etc.)  At least that's the general idea.  Most of the time it doesn't exactly prove to be true.  For example, Greedy Smurf wears a chef's hat and cooks and bakes all the time.  The idea is that he does so because he really likes eating, which is not greed.  He is actually quite generous, baking cakes and Smurfberry pies for everybody all the time.  So why not "Hungry Smurf?"  I guess the only person who will ever know for sure is Peyo, and it is unfortunately one of the many secrets he took to the grave.

"Clumsy" Smurf is more of an idiot in general than accident-prone.  "Brainy" Smurf is really just an asshole.  "Vanity" Smurf is a closeted homosexual.  and then there's "Jokey" Smurf, whose primary characteristic seems to be that he thinks it's hilarious to mail bomb people.

PAPA Smurf is another odd case.  Besides being the de facto leader of the Smurfs, he is also some kind of amateur wizard that lives in what appears to be a makeshift meth lab.

(Look at how happy he is.)

He also dresses in all red instead of white, I guess to help him stand out in a crowd.  (Why not just look for the guy with the beard?  Again, R.I.P. Peyo.)

Smurfette (or "Smyrfette," as hardcore feminists spell it) is the only female Smurf, which has been the topic of a lot of obvious and often CRUDE jokes.  Well you won't read anything like that here because I am SENSITIVE.  I am, however, working on a bit of Smurfette fan-fiction in which she yearns for and eventually receives true acceptance.  The ending is sort of like Grease.  Also, like a lot of young girls, she is a "carver" in it.

Finally, there is Gargamel, the evil wizard whose life's ambition is to capture the Smurfs, but he can never find their village.  He either wants to turn the Smurfs into gold using magic, or else EAT them, depending how hungry he is on a given day.  Gargamel can also apparently use his magic to CREATE Smurfs, and would do so whenever a new character needed to be introduced.  He would conjur up a new Smurf and then send it out to infiltrate the village and do bad things, but the plan never worked because the other Smurfs would just talk the evil Smurf into being good.  (There's 101 of them, that's significant peer pressure.)  I gotta ask though, did he ever create Smurfs just for himself because he got the munchies late at night?  and the other Smurfs never knew about it?  He was pretty hell-bent on catching the lot of them so he must know them to be tasty.

Some Smurfily Scrumptious Belgian Waffles:

Click HERE.

a blog about WOMEN: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted October 8, 2007)

I don't read women's magazines, but from what I've seen on the covers they are 99% PURE FILTH!  Why does anyone need 260 sex tips?  That's way too many.

Girls really like cards and gift bags, man.  I guess it's not the steak, it's the sizzle with them, you know?  Hallmark should make expensive bags that you can put a card in instead of using an envelope.

I bet fat chicks hate Valentine's Day more than ugly chicks.  Both spend the day lonely and depressed, but the fat chicks have to endure the extra sting of missing out on the eating of the chocolates.

Do women ever eat "Hungry Man" frozen dinners?  I want to know.

If you gave the average woman the choice of pain-free childbirth or automatic hairless legs, what do you think the more popular choice would be?  It's a toughie, for sure.

According to a recent survey, 80% of females under the age of 40 now have at least one tattoo.  I find that shocking.  Also, ear-piercings are down but all other piercings have gone way up from 50 years ago.

Strange fact about the Golden Girls: They are all STILL ALIVE!

I think "Hooters" should enforce its hiring-girls-with-nice-bodies-only policy across the board.  Cooks, corporate accountants, everybody.

You should not cheat on your wife or girlfriend, but if you must, do it with a girl that works at a Chinese delivery place.  Your wife will keep seeing a strange number on your cell phone, but if she calls it she'll just think you've been hungry a lot.  (Always keep some empty take-out cartons in your car and office to cover your bases.  Your mistress will probably be able to get them for you.  See how it all comes together?)

Sorry to any ladies that read this and got mad but I think a lot of this stuff needed to be said.  The rest of it probably didn't but I felt I was on a bit of a roll.

Happy Columbus Day.


Click HERE.

Under the Sea!

Scuba diving is a popular activity.  You strap an air tank to your back, wear a mask, and breathe through a tube.  All of this equipment is very expensive.  If you can't afford it, you can try holding your breath and looking around under water with your eyes open real quick, but you probably won't see too much.  Unless you get REALLY lucky.  "Whoa, an EEL!"  In most cases though, you are going to MISS a LOT.

Tropical fish are much more beautiful than regular fish, the kind you eat.  What if they taste better?  There should be a festival where you get to taste all the different kinds.  There should also be a contest where a bunch of competitive eaters have to consume one of each.  Finished your trout?  Eat this TRIGGER FISH.  Next up is a MACKEREL.  At the end the winner gets to swallow a live goldfish, just to be cute.

VOTE!

What is the weirdest looking fish?  The puffer fish or the lion fish?

I have an idea for a children's cartoon in which a puffer fish and a lion fish are friends.  They have adventures together.  The puffer fish is the fun-loving one, and the lion fish is the grumpy one, somewhat obviously.  Like Ernie and Bert.


What's up with crabs?  If they live in the water, how come you always see them walking around on land?  Red Lobster should start an ad campaign in which people quibble about whether crab is seafood or landfood.  It would be like that Chunky Soup "fork or spoon" debate but less violent.  (No weapons.)

The lifespan of a lobster can sometimes exceed more than 100 years.  and they get bigger and bigger the whole time.  Aren't the biggest lobsters the ones people want to eat most?  They have the most meat.  Imagine being about to drop a 100-year-old lobster into a pot.  What is he thinking?  "I miss the Roaring Twenties."

a lot of the smartest animals live in the ocean.  Whales and dolphins of course, but also the octopus.  Scientists believe the octupus to have excellent learning and problem-solving skills.  I think they would make good pets, just keep it in a kiddie pool.  Everyone would enjoy the tricks.  "Octopus, CELL PHONE" and he hands it to you.  "Octopus, GET THE DOOR" and he answers it.  How much does octopus food cost?

Sharks are very popular with children.  They love how dangerous and scary they are.  I have a new idea for a restaurant that would be like Chuck E. Cheese but with a shark instead of a mouse.  and instead of pizza, fish sticks.  Kids love those.  All with unlimited ketchup and macaroni and cheese on the side.  The mascot and faux-entrepreneur would be a big happy shark named "Great Bite."  However, since sharks cannot walk on land, he would spend most of his time swimming around at the bottom of the big ball pit.  Whenever the ball pit would get too full, or if the kids were doing bad stuff like throwing the balls around, a warning siren would go off and he would "emerge."

This is Great Bite:

If you're trustworthy and think you might like to invest, please e-mail me.


Click HERE.

My stories: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted October 1, 2007)

Lately I have gotten back into writing a little bit and have been working on some stories.

The first story takes place during Civil War times and involves a soldier that a family has to take in as a boarder.  The children in the family have neglectful parents that spend all their time looking at maps, so the boarder becomes like a Mary Poppins character that mentors the children and teaches them songs and games.  Then at the end he has to leave, and they are very sad, but they will never forget him.

Story 2 is about a man that one day discovers a pumpkin vine from a neighbor's yard has passed under the fence and is now blossoming on his property.  The neighbor is unaware because the fence is made of wood, and also he has eyesight problems.  The vine produces the largest most beautiful pumpkin the man has ever seen, and now he is torn.  Should he keep the pumpkin for himself, or turn it over to the neighbor that planted it?  After many sleepless nights, he decides to keep the pumpkin for himself.  It is on his property after all, right?  The man scoops out the pumpkin's innards and bakes them into a delicious pie, and then carves the rest into a Jack-o-Lantern for Halloween.  When he is finished he is SHOCKED to see that he has somehow carved the Jack-o-Lantern's face to look exactly like that of his neighbor.  It glowers at him from across the room, and he is ashamed.  The story has a happy ending, though.  Try to guess what it is!  (Hint: It involves the pie.)

Finally I want to write a story in which Beethoven and Mozart become friends.  They do this through the use of a time machine because they lived at slightly different times.  The time machine was invented by Ben Franklin, but that isn't an important part of the story.  Beethoven and Mozart work together to invent a magic potion that Beethoven drinks and it makes him able to hear.  Then they jam.  It's kind of a silly story but I don't think everything has to be serious all the time.

Well that's all I've got so far but once again I want to warn you not to steal my ideas or my lawyers will sue you mofos for everything you've got.  I'm getting tired of being such a nice guy.


Click HERE.

Pelton and Crane Dental Equipment (Part 2 of 2)

Here it is!

Hot off the press, my brand new play documenting the fabricated history of the Pelton and Crane company.  Enjoy!


***PELTON AND CRANE: A PLAY IN ONE ACT***

(Written By Captain Dan)


Crane: Good morning, Pelton.

Pelton: Good morning, Crane.

Crane: I see you have some documentation there.

Pelton: Well yes.  I have completed my exit interviews with the test subjects, and unfortunately the news is not good.

Crane: What?  What do you mean, "not good."

Pelton: Their reviews of your new C-1000V28 "gum scraper" were rather unfavorable.

Crane: That's impossible.  It works perfectly!  Completely sanitary, and absolutely flawless in design.

Pelton: They say it "hurts."

Crane: It's SUPPOSED to hurt.  That's how you know it's WORKING.

Pelton: Crane, maybe it's time you had a vacation.  Took some time to get your head together.

Crane: Where is this coming from?  I can't take a vacation, I'm on the verge of completing the C-1000V909!  The vibrating toothpick!

Pelton: Yes, I've been meaning to question you about that.  Where in the world is the battery supposed to go?

Crane: That's the whole problem!  NOW do you see why I can't take a break?

Pelton: Crane, there's more.  I've been in the basement.

Crane: What on earth were you doing down there?

Pelton: I was just going to read some comic books.  But I saw, Crane.  I saw that thing...that you're building.

Crane: You had no business looking under my sheet.

Pelton: I saw everything, Crane.  The blueprints, the sketches, the...gruesome calculations.

Crane: Those are PRELIMINARY.


Pelton averts his gaze.  He sighs, wistfully.


Crane: Look Pelton, I just need a little more time.  a little more time to calibrate the asphyxiator.

Pelton: WHY would you even CONCEPTUALIZE such an abomination?

Crane: It's to SILENCE the SCREAMS.

Pelton: Crane, old friend, we were but young boys when we first embarked on this adventure together.  Young, naive boys.

Crane: That we were, Pelton.  That we were.

Pelton: Remember these?


From the pocket of his labcoat, Pelton produces a simple set of plastic teeth.

Crane stares at them, transfixed for a moment, and ultimately hangs his head.


Crane: Yes, Pelton.  I remember.

Pelton: The years have been hard on both of us.  I dare suggest we may have forgotten just what dental equipment is supposed to be all about.

Crane: I'd say you're right, Pelton.  You're very right.


Crane looks up at Pelton, and neither can help but crack a smile.


Pelton and Crane: (in unison) $$$THA MONAAAYYYYY!!!$$$


Then "Jungle Boogie" starts playing and Pelton and Crane dance while confetti falls.


Crane: Merry Christmas, Pelton!

Pelton: Merry Christmas, Crane!

(Oh, this whole play takes place on Christmas Eve, btw.)


***THE END***


THERE!  Okay so if any school or production company is interested in buying my play, please get back at me.  Keep in mind that there's only two characters in it so it would be easy to schedule rehearsals.


Click HERE.

Picketing: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted September 24, 2007)

Okay it is important to stand up for what you believe in but I don't think making a sign and holding it up helps.  I never felt differently about something because I saw somebody picketing.  Someone has a sign that says "Joe's Shoe Store is UNFAIR TO WORKERS!" like I'm supposed to stop going there.  I didn't even hear Joe's side of it.  and then every time a celebrity gets arrested there are these people that come out of the woodwork with their signs.  "PUT HIM IN JAIL!" or "LET HIM OUT OF JAIL!" or whatever.  MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

There are a lot of things I am strongly opposed to.  For example, multiple condiments on french fries.  French fries are best with ketchup, but there are some weirdos out there that like mayo on their french fries instead.  WHATEVER.  Live and let live.  But then it goes too far when some people decide to put ketchup AND mayo on their french fries at the SAME TIME!  That is not right.  I have even seen people do it with ketchup and mustard.  MUSTARD!  ON FRENCH FRIES!  It is so terrible.  But I will never go to a high school cafeteria with a big sign that says "DON'T USE TWO THINGS ON FRENCH FRIES!"  I have a life, you know?

Another thing I hate is when people wear the hands-free telephone thing on their ear and walk around in public talking to themselves.  I tried to make a sign with a big red slash across the face of a person who was wearing one of those, but the ear thing was too hard to draw.  It looked like I was just strongly against stupid-looking jerks, which I kind of am but that wasn't the point right then.

I guess that's kind of convoluted because I already said that picketing was a waste of time but the idea behind that sign wasn't to change anyone's opinion.  I just wanted people to feel bad.

So yeah lately I am pretty full of hate I guess.  I keep having to wait in line at the beer store behind some fool that is buying tons of scratch-off tickets, scratching them right there at the counter, and using the $1 or whatever he wins to buy more scratch-off tickets.  You can probably understand how that can get a person all irritated.


Click HERE.

Pelton and Crane Dental Equipment (Part 1 of 2)

Ever since my mouth had teeth in it, I have been going to the dentist.  Much has changed over the years.  The staff.  The locales.  Things costing more.  Pina colada flavored tooth polish.  But one thing has remained constant.

Pelton and Crane.

The leaders in dental equipment.  Their brand name is somewhat LITERALLY burned into my brain, after so many hours staring into that lamp.  They do it all.  The chairs, the tools, even the cabinets.  and Pelton and Crane have established themselves as a company that I trust.  If they made toothpaste I would BUY it.  Screw Colgate, they don't even know HOW to make a chair.

So in those same hours spent starting into that lamp, one cannot help but contemplate how all of this came to be.  Who WERE Pelton and Crane?  Were they childhood friends, dreaming out loud about innovations in the world of dentistry?  Did they have a treehouse?  Which one of them kissed a girl FIRST?  and how jealous was the other?

Unfortunately, it has been difficult to find the answers to these questions.  Pelton and Crane do not even have a WIKIPEDIA.  I would like to create one for them, but I got banned from wikipedia some time back because of all that fake shit I made up about Gulliver's Travels.

At the end of my dental visits, the dentist usually asks if I have any questions.  I usually do not.  I imagine he gets asked a lot of questions about wisdom teeth and cigarettes and floss, but I never have questions about that stuff.  After my last appointment, though, I decided to finally ask him something.

Me: Who were Pelton and Crane?

Him: What?  Oh, that's just the company that makes our equipment.

Me: No no, I mean who were THEY?

Him: I.....don't really know, sorry.

Me: Whatever.


I paid the bill anyway and left.  and ever since, NO ONE has been able to help me.  Pelton and Crane do not have a Facebook or Twitter.  I went INTO A LIBRARY and found nothing.  Even church was no help.

The only answer seems to be coming up with my OWN story.  I think that would finally put my mind at ease.  Therefore I have decided to compose and publish "Pelton and Crane: a Play in One Act."  I will spend the next week writing it, and hopefully have it ready for you all by Saturday, depending how fantasy football goes.  and if it turns out to be full of inaccuracies the Pelton and Crane company will be FORCED to come forward with the TRUTH.  See how that works?

Ha.


Click HERE.

The dog next door keeps barking at me: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted September 20, 2007)

Every time I want to use my backyard for gardening or jumping on my trampoline or sitting in the sun drinking beers there is this dog that barks at me incessantly from behind a fence.  So then the kid that lives there will yell at the dog to shut-up, but he keeps barking anyway, and now it's like they're having a conversation.

Dog: "HEY JERK BEHIND THE FENCE I'LL KILL YOU!"

Kid: "SHUT-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!"

Dog: "WHAT?  WHY?"

Kid: "SHUT-UP!"

Dog: "BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, THERE'S A GUY OUT HERE!"

Kid: "SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!"

Dog: "I AM *TRYING* TO *TELL* YOU SOMETHING!"


Also since dogs have excellent hearing it can also hear me sometimes when I'm INSIDE the house, which results in more barking.

"HEY!  SOMEONE IS BRUSHING THEIR TEETH!  I'LL KILL WHOEVER I FIND OUT IS DOING THAT!"


Dogs sure are insane maniacs but they can do neat tricks.  I feel dog tricks are more impressive than magician tricks because they are real.  I gotta ask, what is lamer than a magician?  If someone asks me, "Hey want to see a magic trick?" I say "No."  If someone asks me, "Hey want to see me lift something really heavy over my head and then THROW it?" I always say "Definitely."  That is a valuable SKILL, not a bunch of nonsense.

The dog trick I like best is shaking hands.  I think it's fun to pretend to make a deal.  "I won't hit you with a newspaper as long as you promise to breathe in my face while I'm sleeping, okay?  Shake!"

By the way I don't really have a trampoline, I lied.


Click HERE.

Papa John's getting AGGRESSIVE!

Papa John's is now the OFFICIAL pizza chain of the NFL.  They really seem to have Domino's on the ropes, to the point where most Domino's ads are now mainly just apologies for past misdeeds.  "We are very sorry there was no cheese in the cheesy bread."

Pizza Hut seems shaken as well.  I never really think of Pizza Hut as a take-out or delivery place, it will always be the place with the strange roof and the red plastic cups with too much ice to me.  The pizza comes out and it's too hot for anyone to eat or touch, a server has to dish it out for you.  That seemed dangerous.  Were they ever SUED?  McDonalds can't even sell coffee without a lawsuit.

The big 3 chains always step things up when football season starts.  It is the #1 food for watching football in the home.  Men love it, more than breasts and almost as much as alcohol.  In spite of the huge market, the other major pizza brands always keep their distance.  They know they cannot compete, it is hopeless.  So they found different target demographics instead.

Cici's: People who want ALL THEY CAN EAT.

Sbarro's: People who are either actively in the mall or the wait is just too long at Olive Garden.

Little Caesar's: People who can no longer fit through the door at Cici's.


Why do people want cheesy bread with their pizza?  a pizza already has both of those things.  That is a strange option for a side dish, like a bucket of KFC that comes with McNuggets.

and what's with putting all the food in one big box?  Do people WANT that?  Maybe that's the answer to DEFEATING Papa John's.  a bigger box with even MORE stuff.  Domino's should offer "TWO PIZZAS, BREAD, 10 WINGS, 4 OVEN BAKED SAMMIES, MORE BREAD, 8 CINNAMON TWISTS, A CHOCOLATE CAKE, PASTA, AND A FREE SAMPLE OF OUR NEW CHEESY BREAD PIZZA ALL FOR JUST $99.99!"  It's all brought hot and fresh right to your door in a box the size of a very large museum painting.

Sbarro would see this and finally emerge from the shadows with their new "16-FOOT WEDDING BUFFET IN A BOX!"  It includes a king-sized trough of stuffed shells, its own carving station, and the full spectrum of salad dressings.

Click HERE.