Halloween: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted October 30, 2007)

Okay it's time once again for the stupidest day of the year so everybody dump your candy in the punchbowl and let's get this over with.


TIPS FOR DEALING WITH TRICK-OR-TREATERS

1) No chit-chat.  Just give up the goods and let them go.  The kids are trying to get to as many houses as possible, they don't need to be stopping at every one to have their costumes evaluated and commented on.

2) If you encounter any Halloween "cheaters" (kids not wearing costumes, kids showing up at your house twice, kids that are bigger than you) just give them candy and send them on their way.  We're trying to get through this without incident.  a one-cent piece of candy is not worth taking a "stance."

3) Don't use the "honor system," which is when some fool just leaves the bowl of candy outside with a "PLEASE TAKE ONLY ONE :) " note.  You know what will happen.


THE BIG LIST OF BAD HALLOWEEN CANDY

Even though Halloween blows you are still obligated as a taxpayer to buy some decent candy to share.  If I hear about anybody giving out anything from the following list of crap I am gonna have to say some shit.

NECCO WAFERS
MALLOW CUPS
GOOD & PLENTY
SUGAR DADDIES
SUGAR BABIES
CANDY CORN
DOUBLE BUBBLE
CHARLESTON CHEWS
MIKE & IKES
MILK DUDS
POPCORN BALLS
CHOCOLATE SUCKERS THAT TASTE LIKE ASS
HALLOWEEN-THEMED PEEPS
MINTS
WHOPPERS
GENERIC M&Ms
BIT O'HONEY
LEFTOVER EASTER CRAP
RAISINS

It's a once-a-year thing.  Spend $20, you cheapskate.

Also I know a lot of old people like to make up special little Halloween baggies for all the kids with various "treats" inside.  If you want to waste your time doing that, go ahead, but you still gotta put good stuff in there.  Not just some cheap foil-wrapped chocolates and a homemade Rice Krispie square.

Speaking of which, maybe you are really awesome at baking cookies or brownies or something and think it's okay to give that out in lieu of store-bought candy.  Well, don't do that.  Kids think cookies and brownies are good but it's not really in the spirit of the holiday.  It's like watching porn instead of fireworks on the 4th of July.


REMEMBER TO TAKE DOWN YOUR HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS

If you are the kind of fool that likes to gussy up your house with witches and skeletons for the "big day" make sure you get rid of that garbage no later than November 1st.  If you think your hilarious "I.M. Dead" tombstone is something everybody needs to see up until the week of Thanksgiving you are DEAD wrong.  (Get it?)

and by the way if you insist on decorating your lawn with fake Halloween tombstones you should at least be funny and use real people's names on them.  Like go through the obituary section of the newspaper or something.


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