Welcome to college!

Who among us doesn't have happy memories of college? I suppose people that weren't afforded the opportunity to go, but even for them there are some movies about it. Some of you reading this may JUST NOW be in the midst of your freshman orientation. What an exciting time, everyone is so new and horny. Your orientation guides are there to encourage socialization and fill you in on some of the college basics, but they don't tell you everything! Here is the rest of what you need to know. Read carefully, your parents are paying a lot of money for this.

So if you haven't already, soon you will attend your first FRAT PARTY. Free beer for all. What could be better than that? The catch, somewhat obviously, is that the party is just their sales pitch to get you to join the club. Which ain't free. Unless you're a girl, in which case you are just there to be taken advantage of, but you're probably used to that by now.

It is important to familiarize yourself with the customs of dorm life. For example, you may return from class one afternoon to find that your dorm room no longer has a door. This is no reason to panic. Your door is probably still around somewhere! Duct tape enjoys a prominent presence in the dorm. You may be awakened by your alarm one morning only to find that you have been completely duct taped to your bed and cannot move at all. Meanwhile the alarm is still blaring, waking up everybody else in the dorm. and you have an early test that day. Don't get angry though, it's all in good fun!

Oh yeah there is also CLASS. You get two kinds of professors in college:

1) Professors that DON'T CARE if you show up to class or not
2) Professors that are dicks

The textbooks are very expensive. It's not like high school where they just pass them out. It is for this reason that I would advise you not to buy them. You're just gonna blow off reading them anyway. Save your money and thank me later!

There are LOTS of clubs you can join in college. You might think you are unique in liking something obscure or bizarre. College is the place where you find out that you're not! Do you REALLY like the Rocky Horror Picture Show? Well guess what! Your school just happens to have a Rocky Horror Picture Show Obsession Society! Isn't that GREAT? Sign up to watch, discuss, imitate, and analyze your favorite cult classic! Then what actually happens is you go to a weekly meeting where everybody quarrels over how to best allocate club funds to the Rocky Horror Picture Show Obsession Society's Annual Vegetarian Bar-B-Que and Percussion Jam. Young intellectual minds tend to be pretty passionate about things like that.

Finally you will reach a point freshman year where you will be required to make an important decision. Do I want to join a fraternity or sorority? You never really pictured yourself fitting in with that sort of crowd and are thinking "Me? a Greek?" Well there's an important question you can ask yourself. "Do I want to make lifelong friendships with positive, fun-loving people while also making contributions to both my campus and community?" If your answer is yes, there's an important follow-up question. "Am I okay with at some point being naked with a bunch of other dudes, all of us lapping up a kiddie pool full of beer like dogs? I mean there is youtube now and all."

College is all about choices.

The Elephant Blog

Elephants are definitely a main animal. People love everything about them, especially how big they are and also the trunk. They are also fun to ride, if your local zoo or church carnival offers such a service. Want to know more about elephants? You've come to the right place!

Here is everything about them.

Elephants are mammals, and also the biggest animals that live on land. Whales cannot go on land. No legs. Lady elephants stay pregnant for 22 months. So consider THAT, pregnant ladies, and stop bitching.

There are African elephants and Indian elephants. a lot of Indian people worship the elephant, whereas African people just know to keep their distance. Elephants are pretty tough, the other animals know not to mess with them. Not even the lion. They are also SMART. They have a good memory and are smart enough to be taught tricks. I think that there should be a special zoo for smart animals only. Elephants and dolphins and chimps. All in the pool together.

Elephants are sometimes POACHED for their ivory tusks. It is wrong. So remember to RECYCLE all your used up billiard balls and piano keys. Go to one of those hippie places for more information.

How much beer could an elephant drink? Well, for every beer the average human drinker consumes, an elephant could handle about 112. So a "six-pack" to an elephant would be 672 beers! and they could still probably DRIVE after that many. Would be one of those borderline decisions. So good thing they can't drive! a buzzed elephant behind the wheel sounds so dangerous.

It also helps that no one would ever spend money on 672 beers just to see a buzzed elephant.

Also if you think that elephants drink with their trunks, you are a fool. They suck the water in and then blow it into their mouths. Pretty gross. The trunk is a lot of things. It's like an arm that you breathe with. Anyway it's all part of God's plan so don't question it.

Well that's about all there is to know about elephants! If you want to know more you can watch Animal Planet, but only if you have good cable.

Toys R Us

(There is no way to type a backwards R.)

So whoopity dang, who doesn't love a trip to Toys R Us on a Saturday afternoon? Got to get some new dolls and fake guns for all the little ones in your life. Then you go to the check out and the lady starts in with all the questioning.

"Do you have a Toys R Us Rewards card?"

"No."

"Would you like to save 10% today by signing up for one?"

"No, thanks."

"Do you need any batteries today?"

"No, I'm buying a Hannah Montana doll and a book."

"Would you like to pre-order a copy of Harry Potter Goes to the Circus?"

"No I would not."

"Do you need any wrapping paper for your purchases?"

"Not from here because it costs $10."

"Do you need any Pepsi?"

"No."

"Do you want to save 10% off your next visit to Applebee's by pre-purchasing an Applebee's gift card?"

"Isn't this a toy store?"

"Are you a member of Geoffrey's Birthday Club?"

"Yeah."

"Do you need car insurance?"

"No, I have some."

"Did you know that you can save approximately 20% by signing up for special TOYS R US car insurance?"

"I.....do you mean real car insurance or is it like for Hot Wheels?"

"We are proud to offer both."

"Anyway, no."

"Would you like to buy this single rose to take home to your wife? It might improve your marriage."

"How much is it?"

"Fifteen dollars."

"No thanks."

"Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?"

"Hey."

"Want to see some pictures of my kids?"

"Do you mean little kids or like college age girls?"

"They're little."

"Then no."

"Interested in being my AA sponsor?"

"No."

"Steve Buscemi. Are you a fan?"

"I.....well I guess everybody sort of is, a little bit."

"Would you like to help save a life by donating blood today? There's a van out back."

"Do you mean that the Red Cross is here?"

"No."

"Then really really no."

"Geoffrey's out there now."

"Wonderful."

"He got woozy though and had to lie down."

"Poor Geoffrey."

"I really worry about him."

"It must be fun working with a giraffe."

"He yells a lot when no kids are around. It's scary."

"Can I cash out now?"

"Did you remember to check in on foursquare?"

"No I don't use that."

"Then no."

"What?"

"You can't cash out until you check in on foursquare."

"I don't have a phone."

"We sell them."

"Really?"

"Yes you can get an Elmo one or else Dora."

"Dora please."

"Your total is $84.81."

"Thanks."

"Have a nice day."


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH:

Why are barber shops adult lounges now?

So I keep hearing these ads on the radio for places that will cut your hair and they are getting sort of ridiculous. What would YOU say if you wanted someone to trust you to give them a haircut? Probably something like, "I promise to cut the hair straight and not poke you in the ear with the scissors."

But instead what I'm hearing is these promises where you'll get to have your hair cut by a LADY who is all hot with the big boobs and everything and during the haircut you get to watch sports on a big flat screen TV and drink a beer. When did all of THIS start?

and now they are saying that included with your haircut is a "scalp rub" and "relaxing neck and shoulder massage." WHAT? Everyone can see where this is going!

There are good honest barbers being put out of work by all of this smut. Barbers who know how to give you a shave and keep a comb in blue water. I wouldn't even know where to BUY blue water. I wish I did, that would be cool to have in the house.

What ELSE will be offered at the barber shop? "In addition to having your hair cut, you get to play Madden on PS3, you get free pizza, a lap dance, we'll show you that "Hangover" movie in 3-D, and cool friendly dogs will be hanging around."

IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE A HAIRCUT! a haircut is supposed to be a SERIOUS THING.

Ladies would never tolerate such nonsense. They know that other than royal weddings, getting your hair styled is pretty much the most important thing in the world. They go to a place where a gay man yells at them for awhile and then cuts the hair and it turns out fantastic.

Meanwhile, men are getting drunk and having their hair cut by strippers. FOOLS.

Soon there will be a place where the stripper ladies change the oil in your CAR. a hot lady will lay on your car and talk to you while a different serious lady (possibly actually a man in drag) does the work. Then you have the option of paying $40 to pluck a new air filter out of the hot lady's boobs with your teeth. Then they "wash" the car (not really wash it just get water all over it and themselves) and then you get a scalp rub and then you go home.

What do these men say to their wives after getting the sex haircut? and what do the wives say? "You got a haircut? Why is it a bad one and why do you look guilty and why are you drunk?"

Also what would the man in drag's wife say?

"How was work?"

"Pretty good except I got oil all over my wig and dress for the 100th time in a row."

(Any unemployed readers interested in jobs cutting hair, changing oil, or stripping can check monster.com or else the newspaper.)