Competitive eating: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted May 29, 2007)

Okay as everyone knows, competitive eating is fast becoming the hottest sport in our culture.  Most of the people who excel at competitive eating are those that are unable to compete in other sports, namely humongous fatties and also little Japanese people.

Revelation: I DO NOT LIKE COMPETITIVE EATING!

It is BORING.  All they do is try to cram down as much food as they possibly can in the shortest amount of time.  It does not impress me at all and is a WASTE of FOOD.  Give all those hard-boiled eggs to the needy.

The main problem I have with this sport is that it does not include enough variety.  Why does everything revolve around speed and volume?  They could do so much more.  For example, I spent the weekend writing the following list of new ideas for competitive eating categories.

SKILL: Eat a cheeseburger with both hands tied behind your back.

NEATNESS: Eat a plate of ribs with no napkins, winner is person whose face and hands get the least sauce on them.

X-TREME HEAT DIVISION: Who can eat the hottest thing the quickest.  Like a baked potato that's been wrapped in foil in the oven for two hours.

MYSTERY GUESS: You have to eat an exotic pie and guess the ingredients.

I also have some new ideas for the World's Strongest Man contest.

STRONGMAN BASEBALL: The ball is a bowling ball, the bat is a super huge aluminum one.

ULTIMATE PINATA: Fill a locked, steel safe with candy and hang it from a crane.  The strongmen put on blindfolds and take turns trying to whack it open.  When someone wins everybody gets to eat the candy.


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Board games

Monopoly all-time best.  People love picking out a token.  They get real protective and passionate.  "I'm ALWAYS the thimble!"  Your token preference should be used as an ice-breaker at clubs and bars, instead of zodiac signs.  "I'm Brad, I like to be the top hat.  Can I buy you a drink?"

The wheelbarrow never gets laid.

Battleship was so easy to cheat at.  So easy that they had to make an ELECTRONIC version to foil people with bad morals.  They should have done the same with Clue.  There was too much peeking.  and don't get all "Oh *I* would NEVER peek at someone's secret Clue card!"  We all did it.  If you are still in denial you need to cope with your internal demons.

(External demons way more scary.)

Life was a cool game.  That spinner totally rocked.  They should make a version that's combined with Chutes and Ladders though.  "OOPS!  Caught cheating on your wife, DIVORCED!" and you go down a big chute that takes you almost back to START.  Tiny plastic kids ripped out of the tiny plastic car and everything.  I'd say that there should also be a giant ladder for winning the lottery or becoming friends with Tom Hanks or something, but come on.  Ain't gonna happen.

Yahtzee is cool.  It is probably the loudest game and also the closest to illegal gambling.  All praying for dice to end up right.  Plus "YAHTZEE!" is cool to yell.  I want a football wide receiver to adopt it as his catchphrase.  Big grab in the Superbowl and he looks into the camera and says, "YAHTZEE all up in yo ass."  Imagine the subsequent endorsement contract.

There are two kinds of people in life.  Those who know Uncle Wiggly, and those who don't.  Missionaries should come knocking at your door to ask if you have heard of the game.  If not, they ask to come into your home to play it with you for free.  Free except they would ask if you want to BUY it afterwards.  and you would.

There should be a larger, less-breakable version of Hungry Hungry Hippos intended to be played in bars.  Kind of like foosball, but FOUR people could play at once.  Wagering would be inevitable.  Imagine coming home late at night and having to explain to your wife that you lost $100 playing Hungry Hungry Hippos. (That would actually be a nice moderate-sized "chute" for my Life and Chutes and Ladders game combination.)

What's the maddest anyone ever got while playing Scrabble?  Imagine the word "O-U-R" is on the board, and then some British or Canadian person wins by modifying it into "C-O-L-O-U-R."  Huge fight about the "U."

The letter trays are drawn as weapons...

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Denny's

Too uppity for McDonalds?  Go to Denny's!

Denny's is always open, including the hours of the week when employed people are sleeping.  So this restaurant is attractive to two main demographics:

1) Teenagers that cannot get into bars
2) Old people

Old people like to GET up at 4am, and teenagers like to be out UNTIL 4am.  and both groups really like coffee.  So that is why we have Denny's.  The other thing these groups have in common is smoking.  Normal-aged adults gave up smoking at some point around 1990.  But depending on the state you happen to be in, high school kids and elderly people are usually no longer allowed to have a cigarette in a Denny's restaurant.  Why not?  Are there people seeking bacon and eggs in the middle of the night that are mindful of their health?  and what's more satisfying than putting out a cigarette in some unfinished mashed potatoes?  That is totally a diner staple, right up there with ketchup on eggs and smacking your waitress on the butt.  (Assuming people still do that, I haven't been to a diner in a long time because I kept getting banned for unknown reasons.)

In fact they should officially make it "Denny's Restaurant AND Smoking Lounge."  Find me one person in a Denny's that does not smoke cigarettes, including the staff.  You should know what you're gonna breathe when you go in there.

Also, where do they get their waitresses?  If you are a waitress, tips are presumably a major variable in your overall income.  So you take a job waiting on TEENAGERS and OLD PEOPLE?  Things just were not working out at Red Lobster, I guess.  It's all politics at that place.

So how can we return smoking to Denny's?  The health department does not like it, and they are in tight with Obama.  It might require a special dispensation from the Pope.

Denny's is big with Catholics because it is a tasty place to go after CHURCH.  In fact does the Pope himself ever go?  They should have one at the Vatican just for him.  He could go after mass and get seated IMMEDIATELY.

Now that I think about it, is the Pope allowed to eat whatever the hell (oops, SORRY!) he wants?  He lives in Italy.  Does he like to eat pizza?  I wonder what his favorite toppings are?  Is he a "meat lover," or is stuffed crust his thing?  Imagine the Pope "blessing" a pizza.  That usually only happens when it's a turkey or ham or something else still vaguely in its animal body shape.  Nobody says "grace" before chowing down on a party sub or drinking a glass of V8.

Does the Pope eat spaghetti and meatballs?  Imagine the meatball slipping off the fork and rolling ALL the way down his nice white gown.  Even he would say a bad word right then, I bet.

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Twins

If you had a twin, would you want it to be identical?  People are gonna stare.  Fraternal twins don't get stared at more than other people, unless they are real famous like the Bush Daughters and the Bee Gees.  Identical twins attract much more attention, whether they want it or not.  Either because they look like this...

...or because they look like THIS.

So if you find yourself with an identical twin, you have to ask yourself an important question.  Do we look like we are going to be offered lucrative photo shoot opportunities and gum commercial contracts, or are we just intensifying each other's dweebage?  Most twins that I have seen fall into Category B.  So THEN what do you do?

One idea might be to stay away from your twin.  Go to different schools, get jobs in different states, etc.  Not the best plan.  Sooner or later people are gonna FIND OUT, and then it gets built up real big.  "WHAT?  YOU have a TWIN?  That is so FREAKY.  You GOTTA show me a picture, man."  Then you show the picture and people say dumb things.  "Oh wow he looks just LIKE you!"

In fact if you do NOT have a twin but are good at Photoshop, that would be a pretty good long-running prank.  Just put two of yourself in the same picture and tell your co-workers "Yeah that's my brother Merv, he lives in Delaware."

Also you probably won't WANT to be away from your twin.  You're twins!  Chances are you have a lot in common.  Plus, again, the prank factor.  Imagine being able to walk into a room and say "Hey guess what everybody, I am NOT ME!  Fools!"

Once you've gotten THAT sort of thing out of your system it is time to craft your own identity.  You need to arrange a meeting with your twin to formulate a plan.  Be honest with each other.  "Alright look, there is no gum money coming in and no one has taken a picture of us in a serious manner since we were 8."

Then you need to have this sort of "attribute draft."  If you both like really like playing the banjo, one of you has to give it up.  Someone gets to wear glasses, the other person agrees to wear contacts.  One of you has to go out and immediately get a haircut.  If your parents gave you matching names that seemed cute as babies, you may have to file some expensive paperwork to get that fixed.  You don't want people saying "Have you seen Nancie and Francie?" or "When are Charley and Farley getting here?"  and if at least one of you isn't TOO religious, it might be a good idea to change things up.

Now you're all set to enjoy a life of madcap individualism.  and you still have a very close brother or sister to borrow money from.  Unless you don't get along, in which case you get to at least have a "long lost" EVIL twin that you can occasionally reference all ominously to intrigue girls.

"Everything's going just according to plan.  Once the check clears we'll be off to the Bahamas.  My only concern is...

...him...

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Lawsuits

Sometimes taking the law into your OWN hands is just not an option.  At times like that you need a lawyer.

Lawyers will, for a significant FEE, attempt to either get you some cash or save you some cash.  There are also matters involving jail, children, property, fishing without a license, traffic mishaps, elderly people, and girls.

I am not sure how a lawyer decides which side of the fence to be on.  Some of them say, "We will SUE drunk drivers because there is NO excuse for that."  Others say, "Caught driving drunk?  Call me!"  I guess it's similar to how a doctor has to pick whether to specialize either in feet or the butt or else body parts that only ladies have.  Who knows their reasons?  It is a special calling.

People have long been fascinated with the law.  The popularity of legal dramas on television seems to know no bounds.  There should be an "American Lawyer" show that's like Idol except instead of singing songs they would argue cases.  Maybe not actual MURDER cases but harmless People's Court type stuff where a carpet was not cleaned to the homeowner's satisfaction, or some tropical fish have gone missing.  Then AMERICA gets to be the jury.  Plus THREE judges instead of just one!

Some examples of frivolous lawsuits:

- Hot drive-thru coffee spilled in the lap

- Landscaping experts showed up late and didn't trim the shrubs right

- Too fat for the roller coaster

- Big Mac made upside down

- Went to magic show, was not real

- Slipped on ice outside church

- Ordered Happy Meal, still felt depressed

- Someone drank shampoo because it smelled like coconut

- Happy Meal toy swallowed (by adult)

- Went to Wild West show, was not real

- Too fat for the movie theater

- Too fat to ride the llama at the zoo

- Went to Medieval Times, serving wench spilled hot coffee on you

- Hot McDonalds apple pie exploded into eyes

- Too fat for fast food booth and/or bathroom


It seems like McDonalds is a pretty easy target for lawsuits.  They sell poison and hire high school children to serve it to you.  I wonder what THEIR lawyer is like?  Is he just the worst one ever?  They should introduce a scalding hot cup of coffee that comes with a tiny plastic toy IN it.

Do bad things ever happen to lawyers themselves?  That must be such great fortune for them, cut out the middle man.  Maybe they go to McDonalds a lot.  Also, I think a lot of them smoke.  Coincidence?  "Well what do you want from us?  We're not DOCTORS."

Whenever a lawyer goes down a waterslide I bet they always try to shift their weight to one side at the really sharp turns.  They slide down for a few test runs first, to scope out all the easiest spots to potentially fly out.  Always feet-first though, cause they ain't no dummies.  There could be cameras.

Lawyers always squeeze their hot apple pie extra-tight just in case.  They always hand their card to the fattest person in the llama line.
 

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Coming out strong against bicycle helmets: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted May 2, 2007)

When did riding a bike become such a dangerous and complicated activity?  When I was a kid I was on and off my bike 100 times a day.  You don't need special apparel.  It's just how you get around if you are young and/or Dutch.

Did you know there are places where it is ILLEGAL to ride a bike without a helmet?  Whoever passed that law is a huge douchebag.  I would tell them that to their FACE except I never usually talk to the people that make the laws.

You can still ride a skateboard and jump down concrete steps on it without a helmet.  Don't try to ride a bike without one, though.  a car might hit you and you will need that extra head cushioning if that happens.

Next laws that will be passed:

- Special goggles to protect eyes when playing video games and watching TV

- Helmets in the car

- No running or horseplay ever (not just in the pool area)

I have seen fully grown adult people wearing the bicycle helmets.  That's just like, "Duuuuude..."

I mean it's one thing if you are in good shape and have the bicycle shorts and elbow pads and the whole ensemble going, all looking like you have serious intentions to do some hella-fast bicycling.  But I have seen plain-clothed adults with the helmets on and they look like such retards.  Just PAY THE FINE if you have to.  Don't go out in public like that.  The kid in E.T. did not need a special helmet to ride his bicycle.  Why do you?

I spit on bicycle helmets.  (Figuratively.)


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