Lawsuits

Sometimes taking the law into your OWN hands is just not an option.  At times like that you need a lawyer.

Lawyers will, for a significant FEE, attempt to either get you some cash or save you some cash.  There are also matters involving jail, children, property, fishing without a license, traffic mishaps, elderly people, and girls.

I am not sure how a lawyer decides which side of the fence to be on.  Some of them say, "We will SUE drunk drivers because there is NO excuse for that."  Others say, "Caught driving drunk?  Call me!"  I guess it's similar to how a doctor has to pick whether to specialize either in feet or the butt or else body parts that only ladies have.  Who knows their reasons?  It is a special calling.

People have long been fascinated with the law.  The popularity of legal dramas on television seems to know no bounds.  There should be an "American Lawyer" show that's like Idol except instead of singing songs they would argue cases.  Maybe not actual MURDER cases but harmless People's Court type stuff where a carpet was not cleaned to the homeowner's satisfaction, or some tropical fish have gone missing.  Then AMERICA gets to be the jury.  Plus THREE judges instead of just one!

Some examples of frivolous lawsuits:

- Hot drive-thru coffee spilled in the lap

- Landscaping experts showed up late and didn't trim the shrubs right

- Too fat for the roller coaster

- Big Mac made upside down

- Went to magic show, was not real

- Slipped on ice outside church

- Ordered Happy Meal, still felt depressed

- Someone drank shampoo because it smelled like coconut

- Happy Meal toy swallowed (by adult)

- Went to Wild West show, was not real

- Too fat for the movie theater

- Too fat to ride the llama at the zoo

- Went to Medieval Times, serving wench spilled hot coffee on you

- Hot McDonalds apple pie exploded into eyes

- Too fat for fast food booth and/or bathroom


It seems like McDonalds is a pretty easy target for lawsuits.  They sell poison and hire high school children to serve it to you.  I wonder what THEIR lawyer is like?  Is he just the worst one ever?  They should introduce a scalding hot cup of coffee that comes with a tiny plastic toy IN it.

Do bad things ever happen to lawyers themselves?  That must be such great fortune for them, cut out the middle man.  Maybe they go to McDonalds a lot.  Also, I think a lot of them smoke.  Coincidence?  "Well what do you want from us?  We're not DOCTORS."

Whenever a lawyer goes down a waterslide I bet they always try to shift their weight to one side at the really sharp turns.  They slide down for a few test runs first, to scope out all the easiest spots to potentially fly out.  Always feet-first though, cause they ain't no dummies.  There could be cameras.

Lawyers always squeeze their hot apple pie extra-tight just in case.  They always hand their card to the fattest person in the llama line.
 

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