Twins

If you had a twin, would you want it to be identical?  People are gonna stare.  Fraternal twins don't get stared at more than other people, unless they are real famous like the Bush Daughters and the Bee Gees.  Identical twins attract much more attention, whether they want it or not.  Either because they look like this...

...or because they look like THIS.

So if you find yourself with an identical twin, you have to ask yourself an important question.  Do we look like we are going to be offered lucrative photo shoot opportunities and gum commercial contracts, or are we just intensifying each other's dweebage?  Most twins that I have seen fall into Category B.  So THEN what do you do?

One idea might be to stay away from your twin.  Go to different schools, get jobs in different states, etc.  Not the best plan.  Sooner or later people are gonna FIND OUT, and then it gets built up real big.  "WHAT?  YOU have a TWIN?  That is so FREAKY.  You GOTTA show me a picture, man."  Then you show the picture and people say dumb things.  "Oh wow he looks just LIKE you!"

In fact if you do NOT have a twin but are good at Photoshop, that would be a pretty good long-running prank.  Just put two of yourself in the same picture and tell your co-workers "Yeah that's my brother Merv, he lives in Delaware."

Also you probably won't WANT to be away from your twin.  You're twins!  Chances are you have a lot in common.  Plus, again, the prank factor.  Imagine being able to walk into a room and say "Hey guess what everybody, I am NOT ME!  Fools!"

Once you've gotten THAT sort of thing out of your system it is time to craft your own identity.  You need to arrange a meeting with your twin to formulate a plan.  Be honest with each other.  "Alright look, there is no gum money coming in and no one has taken a picture of us in a serious manner since we were 8."

Then you need to have this sort of "attribute draft."  If you both like really like playing the banjo, one of you has to give it up.  Someone gets to wear glasses, the other person agrees to wear contacts.  One of you has to go out and immediately get a haircut.  If your parents gave you matching names that seemed cute as babies, you may have to file some expensive paperwork to get that fixed.  You don't want people saying "Have you seen Nancie and Francie?" or "When are Charley and Farley getting here?"  and if at least one of you isn't TOO religious, it might be a good idea to change things up.

Now you're all set to enjoy a life of madcap individualism.  and you still have a very close brother or sister to borrow money from.  Unless you don't get along, in which case you get to at least have a "long lost" EVIL twin that you can occasionally reference all ominously to intrigue girls.

"Everything's going just according to plan.  Once the check clears we'll be off to the Bahamas.  My only concern is...

...him...

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