Consumer Reports

These people are jerks.

I understand that things need to be kept safe and healthy, but we already have the government and the Food and Drug Administration (*lawsuit pending) for that.

Let's be frank (yes FRANK).  Consumer Reports just does a big bunch of bullshit all the time.  "Some seatbelts are too SHARP on the NECK!  Don't wear them!"

That is douchy.

Does anyone in life want to grow up to be a "fuddy duddy?"  In kindergarten it's like "I want to be an astronaut!"  "I want to be PRESIDENT!"  No one says "I want to be a dickhead researching why a blender is unsafe."

DON'T WORK THERE.

In fact imagine that workplace environment.  Do they feel the need to constantly point out INFRACTIONS?  "That pencil looks mighty sharp."  "Hey your coffee break was exactly two seconds too long so now ha ha you will be REPRIMANDED."

This may sound harsh but in my opinion Consumer Reports can GO to HELL.

(Sorry.)

 Click HERE.

Good riddance to Elmo

This has nothing to do with the puppeteer and the allegations against him and whether he is being treated fairly or unfairly.  I just am a longtime Sesame Street enthusiast who has always hated Elmo.

Elmo does not have the comedic chemistry of Ernie and Bert.  He does not possess the wit and humor of Oscar the Grouch.  He doesn't have the Vaudevillian acting talents of Grover.  and he doesn't resonate with the crises and concerns of children the way Big Bird does.

Elmo (keep in mind this is a not-alive puppet, so I am not BULLYING him) is just a fool that talks way too loud in a shrill, chirpy manner and laughs at things for no reason and speaks incorrectly on an EDUCATIONAL television program.  He also dances like a jackass and goes around bothering everyone.  It may be a masterful example of puppetry expertise, but the puppet itself is highly objectionable and was unfairly permitted to upstage Jim Henson's superior creations for more than two decades.

Now you may be thinking (or shouting out loud at your desk, I have no way of knowing how insane individual readers are) "BUT CHILDREN LOVE HIM!"  Well, guess what?  They don't.  Children at that age don't know what they like, they watch or listen to whatever is presented to them.  Elmo is marketed to adults, not kids.

It's sort of like those awful CDs where very young children sing songs in unison.  Parents and other adults are somehow suckered into buying them thinking "The kids will love this!  They WANT to hear other kids singing about monkeys jumping on the bed!"  Whereas there is not one child anywhere actively thinking "You know what's missing in my life?  a CD with other kids singing the songs that we already get forced to sing at school every day."

In my personal childhood it was Alvin and the Chipmunks.  and at the time, yes, great, we were definitely excited to get a new Alvin and the Chipmunks record.  But after a few years I realized, "Oh wait, there are human adult bands singing and playing these same songs, except way better?  Why can't we have THOSE records instead?" and then like a year after that "Oh neat, ALLOWANCE money.  Now we can!"

Hopefully Elmo "dies on the way back to his home planet."  But if not, and a new puppeteer takes over, I hope there is tons of SCRUTINY.  "You aren't being annoying right" and so on.


Click HERE.

The Butterball Hotline: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted November 22, 2007)

Okay in case any of you fools didn't know, the Butterball Hotline is a toll-free number you can call when you need help cooking your Thanksgiving turkey.  The official name of the service is the Butterball Turkey Talkline, but most people think that is gay-sounding so they like to call it the Butterball Hotline instead.


You call this number if you are having problems like...

- It's time to eat and the turkey is still frozen

- You don't know how to baste

- Missing giblets

You DON'T call this number if you are having problems like...

- a family member has become drunk and belligerent at the dinner table

- Your turkey is still alive and keeps running into the backyard and hiding


More than a quarter of a million Americans call the Butterball Hotline each year.  Canadians are not allowed to call because they have Thanksgiving at the wrong time and also do not pay American taxes.

In fact the hotline has been such a success that I think it's time to build on it.  I have an idea for a new service called the "Stove Top Stuffingline" that people could call for assistance with all of their stuffing-related issues.  If you have ever eaten Thanksgiving dinner at someone's house, I'm sure you have noticed that stuffing is the thing people mess up the most.  The Stove Top Stuffingline would help.

Here is a sample call...

Caller: Hello I am thinking of putting raisins in the stuffing.

Operator: Don't.

See?  Disaster avoided.  Some people don't know that stuffing is made of bread and celery and onions and seasonings.  They think that raisins and nuts and apples and twigs go in there too but they do not.  It is a common mistake.

I called Stove Top with my idea and they didn't seem interested but I am gonna do it anyway.  I just might have to change the name.  I think maybe Stove Top doesn't like the idea of people making their own stuffing, they want you to buy it in the box.  Butterball isn't selfish like that, they don't care where you got your turkey as long as you didn't steal it or trade drugs for it or something.


Happy Thanksgiving to all great Americans!

h o n o r  i n d i a n  t r e a t i e s

If you go shopping tomorrow you deserve to get injured, I hope it happens.

Peace.


Click HERE.

News: Disney to purchase Hostess

Okay it's not exactly "news" because it didn't happen but I am breaking the story anyway.  They seem to want to own everything that's well-liked by children.

TWINKIES: THE MOVIE!

It's coming.  and it won't be just that Twinkie guy in the cowboy hat and neckerchief.

There will be many cartoon Twinkies, all with different personalities.  a bossy Twinkie, a cowardly Twinkie, an accident-prone Twinkie, etc.  There will even be a girl Twinkie.  She will have to wear a shirt, for awkward reasons.

Disney hasn't been good at marketing food.  There is the Mickey Mouse pancake, but that isn't really something you can "sell."  It's too easy to make at home all by yourself.  and wow, does anyone do that?  Make a Mickey Mouse pancake and eat it without another person even SEEING it?  That's one of the loneliest thoughts ever, I feel depressed now.

So anyway, yeah, Hostess is OUT of BUSINESS!  It is the result of a bakery worker strike.  Those people must feel like such JERKS now.  I hope that whenever they go back to work, they only get to make the most unfun things.  Like plain wheat bread and sugarless donuts.  For the REST of their LIVES.

Also it occurred to me that this could all be a scam.  Some genius at the Hostess company brainstorming.  "How can we get people talking about Twinkies and Ho Hos again?  I know, we'll TAKE THEM AWAY and then GIVE THEM BACK!"  Just like Grover Cleveland and the Cleveland Browns.  (HEY!  I never noticed THAT before.)

I don't run a lot of meetings but next time I do I'm gonna open it by saying, "Alright, let's talk twinkie, people."  I think that would be a good expression within the corporate entertainment world.  I am really good at inventing expressions, but unfortunately there's no money in it.  Expressions are the Mickey Mouse pancake of the writing business.

***MILLION DOLLAR IDEA ALERT***

a breakfast cereal comprised of miniature Twinkies, Ho Hos, and Cupcakes.  Do it, Hostess.  It could SAVE YOUR COMPANY!  There's still time.

Who in hell wears neckerchiefs?

Click HERE.

Alphabetical order is a bunch of bullshit: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted November 14, 2007)

Whoever came up with this system was a fool.  Didn't he see the big flaw in it?  The same people go first every time!  First in line at graduation, first to pick their seats on the bus for the field trip, etc.  Totally unfair, it's complete crap.  People's names don't change unless they get married or enter the witness protection program or do some other strange thing.  You might as well go by order of birthdate or shoe size.  Better yet, pick people in order of body weight.  That at least fluctuates a little, and maybe some fat children would finally have to pay for their sweet lifestyle of eating Ho-Hos on the couch.

Jeffrey Dahmer.  John Wayne Gacy.  Ted Bundy.  David Berkowitz.  What do all these terrible people have in common?  Their last names are all near the beginning of the alphabet!  That is not coincidence, that is FACT.  Chances are they always had to pick their seats on the bus first, and then the other kids all deliberately picked away from them because they were such creeps and weirdos.  That turned them to violence, which is one of the drawbacks of alphabetical order.


In the interest of fairness I spent this past summer engineering a new, better system for deciding which kids should go in what sequence.  I call it the "Captain Dan Traditional Method of Fair and Square Selection in Regards to Seating and Other Crises."  ("Captrad" for short.)

Here's how it works:

Step 1: On a sheet of paper, assign each letter of the alphabet a different numerical value between 1 and 26.  (A=4, B=23, etc.)

Step 2: Have a friend or relative do the same, without looking at each other's papers.

Step 3: Add the numerical totals for each letter together and record them on a third sheet of paper, the "master sheet."

Step 4: Determine the numerical value of each child's last name by adding together the total value of all the letters, and then DIVIDE by the number of letters to determine the mean average.  (Kids with long last names won't gain an advantage that way, see?)

Step 5: Using icons on a felt board, line up the children according to your final calculations.  Flip a coin to determine whether the line begins with the highest-scoring last name (heads) or the lowest (tails).  If you don't have a coin, call a friend or neighbor you can trust and have them flip one for you.

Step 6: Rotate one person from the front of the line to the back depending on what day of the week it is.  (One person if it's Sunday, two people if it's Monday, etc.)

Step 7: Rotate two people from the front of the line to the back depending on what month of the year it is.  (Two people if it's January, four people if it's February, etc.)

Step 8: Record the results on paper.  You should now have a completely random list of all the children, by name.  This will be your new master sheet.  Discard the original master sheet to avoid any mix-ups.

Step 9: Enjoy your graduation!  (*or other competition, event, or evacuation)


Another thing you can do is draw the children's names from a hat.  But if you don't have any hats around, you can use Captrad.

(Captrad = patent pending, don't steal)


Click HERE.

EEK! It's my SPOOKY SPIDER blog!

To a lot of people, a spider is the most terrifying thing on the whole planet.

It doesn't have to be that way, though!  Spiders want to be our friends.  and they are pretty much everywhere, so whether you like them or not you're gonna have to get used to them.  They are like the office co-workers of the natural world.  So quit being a COWARD and learn all about the goodness of spiders in this very special fear-conquering blog!

First off, I will concede that spiders are very messy.  Their webs get everywhere, especially in basements and other places that are haunted.  They are easy to get rid of though, just grab a broom.  It's not all difficult like trying to get rid of a wasp nest or raccoon lair.  You knock it down, the spider comes out with its hands on its hips, says "Well, HRMPH!", and goes right back to work.  Repeat and fade.

Other than that, spiders are generally not bothering you.  In fact, they are HELPING you.  Spiders are catching and destroying hordes of dangerous insects all over the world as we speak.  It is a vital part of the ECOSYSTEM.  You wouldn't want to live on a planet without spiders, believe me.  Mosquitos would own this joint.  There'd be no crops.  No animals could survive.  Captain America would be the main Marvel Comics guy.

While most spiders are harmless, there are a FEW species that can bite you with their fangs and poison you with venom and cause you to get sick, feel intense pain, and/or die.  This is not cause for alarm, though.  Spiders like that only live in places where nobody ever goes, like the depths of the jungle and also Australia.

The Black Widow is the most popular spider amongst women.  It is because the female kills and eats the male directly after mating.  Women high-five each other and harness some type of "girl power" from this.  That might seem nonsensical, but much like spiders, girl power is vital to the ecosystem.

The best-named spider is the Daddy Longlegs because they gave it a pimp name.  Isn't that great?  In fact I bet spiders would be liked much better as a whole if more of them had cartoony pimp names.  a lot of spiders are adorned with some pretty flashy colors.

Some spider pimp ideas:

Finally, what's with saying "EEK?"  Is that an exclamation of fear reserved for things that are frightening but also small?  I never hear "EEK, a mountain lion!"  Nobody screams "EEEEEEEEEEEK!" on the roller coaster.  a frightened passenger on an airplane doesn't say "EEK," he says "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" all sensible.

Click HERE.

The wii: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted November 6, 2007)

Lately it seems everybody is doing the wii except me.  I don't have that and don't want it.  You should not stand in your living room pretending to bowl.  What if a neighbor looks in the window?

Also "wii" should not be a word.  Too many modern things are called dumb names.  Ten years ago, did you ever think you would hear someone say "I googled your wii and got a wiki link?"  We are all starting to sound like retards.

"Atari" was a good name.  It really sounded like it meant something.  (It probably did.)

Atari games were intense.  You had to do things like jump over a hole and fire a pellet at a SQUARE.  That might not sound too intense if you never played, but keep in mind there was no way to halt, save, or pause the action whatsoever.  (You couldn't get up to go to the bathroom!)  Also, most of the games did not incorporate the concept of "winning."  There was never a happy ending, you just played until you lost.  The graphics were confusing and the game plots were vague.  Typical game instructions were "shoot everything you see and don't let anyone touch you."  So it was like a combination of freeze tag and a killing spree.

Do they make wii games where you can shoot people?  I remember Nintendo had that gun you could shoot ducks with.  That was wild, I wonder what made the gun work?  My mom used to get scared when we aimed it at each other's heads.  "Stop that!  There are BEAMS coming out of there!"  TV remote, same thing.  "Watch where you point that thing, it might cause cancer."

I also remember that Nintendo used to come with a robot.  I never had the robot, was it neat?  Like, could you make it do chores?  I bet not.  Nothing is ever as cool as you think it's gonna be.  (Example: a new watch.)


Click HERE.

(HUGE NEWS) Star Wars Episode SEVEN!

Wow!  Star Wars fanatics across the galaxy are celebrating the announcement that an all-new seventh chapter in the famous science fiction saga is scheduled for release in 2015.  This is all thanks to Disney, who have purchased Lucasfilm and the Star Wars brand.  What cosmic adventures await Han, Luke, Leia, and the rest of the gang on the big screen?  No one knows, but it is time to begin SPECULATION.

I can picture the opening scene now.  Since it's Disney, the movie will obviously include a lot more musical numbers.  The camera pans down from space to find the spirit of Yoda seated on a log in his swamp home, plucking a ghost banjo.  (Like Kermit from the Muppets, whom Disney have also acquired.)  Then he delights us with a SONG.

Since it's Yoda, there may be some issues getting his lyrics to rhyme.  "Why, so many songs about Jedi, there are" and so on.  But if anyone is up to the challenge it is the great Star Wars song composer John Williams.

Some more things I think fans would like:

- Boba Fett is miraculously still alive and becomes one of the good guys, having seen the light

- Wicket the Ewok as an adult

- R2-D2 and C-3PO are BOTH able to fly, including to other planets

- At least one Admiral Ackbar "trap" joke

- a Sith "Hutt," possibly the son of Jabba, as the main bad guy doing cool CGI lightsaber flips and tricks

- Chewbacca gets married

- Special cameo appearances by E.T. and Mr. Spock

- NO Jar Jar at ALL


One thing I think we can count on for CERTAIN is that we will get to see Princess Leia learn the ways of the Force, including how to use a lightsaber.  Well, there is a slight problem with that.  I don't know how much you know about symbolism in the movies, but when two men duel with sabers or swords, it usually represents, ehrm, something else.  Something that Leia doesn't have.  So giving her one could affect the INTEGRITY of the FILM.  What to do, Disney?  Well, assuming you are reading this, here is the best solution I could come up with:

This is just a hastily drawn prototype of course, I'm sure you could make it much better.  But think of the things she could do with it!  Vanquish two foes at once, or when in singles combat, skillfully lop of a head and any other part of the anatomy she chooses simultaneously.  Plus, you'd be doubling your fanbase!  That means $$$.  Walt would be so proud.


My apologies to any of my non-geek readers who viewed this blog and didn't understand what the hell I was talking about.  Back to normal, next week.  I promise.

and to the rest of you, "UTINI!"  (That means both hello and goodbye in Star Wars language, they stole the idea from "Aloha.")


Click HERE.