Hong and Ben's Chinese Restaurant Christmas (a new story by Captain Dan)

Hong: I can't believe we have to work today.

Ben: I know, right?

Hong: How come Jewish people suddenly like eggrolls and Batman movies SO MUCH when it's exactly Christmas?

Ben: How come Santa Claus has a beard?  What's he hiding?

Hong: What should we do later?

Ben: Kill ourselves.

Hong: No I mean really.

Ben: We are gonna get high and watch Chevy Chase Christmas Vacation, same as every year.

Hong: Have you ever eaten Chinese food?

Ben: No.

Hong: Me neither.  I wonder what it's like?

Ben: It's like slightly worse pizza that's in chunks instead of slices.

Hong: Eggrolls would be such an easy way to prank somebody.  Anything could be in there.

Ben: I know, right?

Hong: If we put a whole roll of quarters in an eggroll shell by "accident" do you think that somebody would COMPLAIN?

Ben: Hmm, good q.

Hong: "Someone accidentally stuffed ten dollars worth of quarters in here!  I'm so mad!"

Ben: "and wait a minute! This Chinese burrito is just marijuana wrapped in seaweed!"

*bloop*

Hong: Oh wow, somebody just ordered something.

Ben: What do they want?

Hong: The usual stuff.  Mashed potatoes and Flintstone vitamins that you eat with chopsticks.

Ben: Do you know how to use chopsticks?

Hong: No.  I stuck them in my ear holes once and looked in the mirror, but did not take a picture.

Ben: ...

Hong: ...

Ben: Merry Christmas, Hong.

Hong: Merry Christmas, Ben.


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Chocolate Chip Cookie Perfume

...and scratch N sniff pizza stickers.

Anybody that wears both will be scratched AND sniffed EXTRA much.

Nobody usually scratches me.  I don't get sniffed too often either besides when I am at the airport or at the homes of sober relatives.

Are there other cookies people would enjoy smelling like?  Is there Axe Oreo Body Spray?  Axe Diet Oreo Body Spray?  Animal cracker douche?

Here are some scent ideas that are NOT good:

#1: What the devil himself would smell like

#2: a really big and sweaty guy happily invites you to intoxicate yourself with a scratch and sniff taco sticker that has been on his arm for awhile

#3: Burnt popcorn

#4: a really cute deer got hit by a car and you foolishly pulled over and got involved

#5 FIIIIIve GOLden rings

Did burnt popcorn ever make Orville Redenbacher cry?  It's the microwave version of a dead deer.

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Gourmet Chapstick

Good evening holiday shoppers!  (or morning, if you're on the other side of "the pond.")

So if you're like anyone else, you've been wondering what to get everybody for Hanukkah.  (or Christmas, if you're on the other side of THAT.)

The perfect gift is something everyone would want to have and use, but nobody has it and nobody uses it.  That's what a mall Santa told me while on his break, at least.  But before I could get any more info out of him, a security guard informed me that I was not permitted in the Santa Claus break room and also suggested that I leave the mall entirely unless I intended to "buy something."  I looked over to Santa for some backup, but he was busy making aggressive eye contact with the security guard and nodding.

Whatever.

Everyday grocery items can make excellent and thoughtful gifts, but you have to stylize them right.  You can't just hand somebody a long rope of smoked sausage along with a pack of Kraft singles, you have to go to Hickory Farms and have them box up something nice for you. Don't just give somebody a handful of Life Savers all loose, or even a ziplock bag full of all the different kinds.  It has to be that special Life Savers "book."  No giving cash, even if it's a suspiciously round gift-card-type amount.  If your gift is a jar of mayonnaise, it better DAMN well be made out of caviar.

Nobody passes out Chapstick for Christmas.  How come?  It's very seasonal.  Just like the song.

iT's a cHaPaStiCk wOrLd iN tHe wiNtEr
wHeN yOuR LiPs aRe aLL bAnDaGeD aND bLuE

Is Chapstick not FANCY enough?  Well to quote Santa Claus, when he first put Rudolph in the mix, let's change up some shit already.

Imagine if somebody gave you an assortment of wine and cheese flavored Chapstick at your office gift exchange.  Would you be UPSET?  Would you toss it in the garbage?  Would you try each one exactly once and then re-gift it all the next year?  NO!  You'd be thrilled.  Imagine strutting around with special champagne Chapstick when everybody else only has cherry.

People would be so impressed.

"Hey is that Grey Poupon CHAPSTICK?!"

"Yes.  Kiss me you fool."

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Who in hell eats a giant-size gumball at the mall?

More and more, everywhere you look (n. Full House), people are starting to care more and more about money.

So curious.

What prompted this?  According to the MEDIA, it's the people that HAVE money that are responsible.  and how do you get to BE one of those people that has money?

Nobody knows.

NOBODY.

:0


Think of the number of gumballs you've had inside of your mouth within your lifetime.  Now multiply that figure by the number of times the fingering area of a gumball machine has ever, EVER been professionally cleaned.  The answer might surprise you!

How do gumballs get manufactured?  Is there a factory in Taiwan cranking them out RIGHT NOW?  If so, What flavors?  Do they CARE?

"Oh good, yellow gumball coating today.  That's my favorite."

"WHY?  How could that POSSIBLY be anybody's favorite gumball color?  Explain how!  Explain it to me!  I need answers!"

"Well, what's better?"

"Blue!"

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It has been awhile since anyone wrote new knock knock jokes

So I tried.  Let me know if these are good.

#1: Knock Knock.
#2: Who's There?
#1: I am a WHALE.  Bumping my head against your door AGGRESSIVELY while making beautiful whale sounds in a panic while actively drying out and dying.
#2: Who is this REALLY?


Jokes are not easy to write.  For every William Shakespeare there are only like 10 George Carlins.  (Do the math.)

Therefore, I tried again.

#1: Knock Knock.
#2: Who's There?
#1: Our relationship.
#2: Key is under the mat.
#George Carlin: Ever notice keys are always under MATS?


Okay I will really, really try now.  Original knock knock jokes in concurrency with nature's most current popular baby names.


#1: Knock Knock.
#2: Who's There?
#1: Aiden.
#2: Aiden Who?
#1: Aid-ing myself in gettin beaten up.


#1: Knock Knock
#2: Who's There?
#1: Olivia.
#2: Olivia Who?
#1: Oliv-ia (heard as all-of-ya) better not make jokes about my name.

Girl names are really difficult to mock.  Except certain very old ones like "Gert" and "Fanny" and "Ass."


#1: Knock Knock
#2: Who's There?
#1: a very romantic vampire
#2: Yeah well what is your name, though?
#1: Sven.
#2: No it isn't.
#1: Charlie, then.
#2: Charlie vous francais?
#1: WHAT?
#2: WHAT???
#3: Everybody calm down.

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Latest Ambition: Fake Food Critic

Times have changed, anybody can criticize food now.  Usually e-Criticize.

So just bring a clipboard and pen wherever you eat and wear a pair of fake glasses and the waitress will treat you like you are God. (The REAL God.)

It's a victimless crime.  They make extra-sure your food is correct, and then you personally hand them a fake diploma and ALSO give them a big tip. You were gonna tip anyway.  Why not pretend to be CRITICAL of FOOD?

"Hmmm, I am not certain that this Conehead Sundae is correct.  It seems unhappy.  I will eat it but not pay."

Are actual licensed food critics obligated to finish their meals if they are unhappy?

"This fish is cold and hard and BLEEDING.  I must fulfill my report, though."

Cold, bloody bites.

Over and over.

and over.

("baxxk" is a term so evil that only a conehead sundae could utter it.)

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Pennies and fountains

I swear to whoopity dang God, the thing people like best besides FREE stuff is WISHING for stuff.  Free things are free, whereas wishes usually cost a penny at most. It's only 1 cent, but it still technically costs "more," and everybody hates that.  I have spotted and scrutinized many cheapskates over the years, watching the skies for shooting star freebies and feverishly rubbing random lamps with false hopes.  No more of THAT, I say.  Let's get into wishing wells and fountains (not literally).

Sometimes people toss higher denominations into the water.  Nickels, dimes, even QUARTERS.  Talk about rich.  Personally I like to throw mostly-used-up gift cards in.  There has to be SOME money left on it, otherwise it's just litter.

Imagine printing a fake $100 bill with your computer and placing it in the penny fountain at the mall.  Would someone take it?  Imagine how low you would feel if another person saw and confronted you.

"Is that yours?"

"Yes I just accidentally dropped this in there."

"You dropped a fake $100 bill in the penny fountain?"

"It isn't fake."

"Then how come Alfred E. Neuman is on it?"

"Because...I am bad...at remembering Presidents.  Good day, sir."

(THAT is some humor writing.)

.....

...

.


Back to the freebies...

Rubbing lamps?  Don't like it, too masturbatory.  (Is that a word?  Is now.  TM Captain Dan.)

Shooting star is complex.  So difficult to prove that you saw one.

***nEw iDeA***

Lie about seeing shooting stars, especially during romantic late night walks and sensitive business negotiations.  (TM Captain Dan.  If you get laid or rich from this idea please send me a large check.)


Lamest wish when tossing a penny into a fountain?  "Please go in."

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Monkeys and apes are different

Not every ape is a monkey, and not every monkey is an ape.

That is STRAIGHT from the BIBLE.

Hector 3:14

ALL of them are cool animals, though.  and should be ADMIRED.

Take the chimpanzee, for example.  They appear in television shows AND movies..

(This is a quick example of a movie.)

I got kicked out of the zoo for bringing in my own beverage.  It wasn't even alcoholic, it was Mountain Dew mixed with coffee.

WHY DID THEY CARE?

"You can't bring that in, sir."

"Why not?"

"It will upset the giraffes."

"Well I am gonna SECRETLY enjoy this combination of Mountain Dew and coffee and enjoy the giraffes ANYWAY.  From the apparently ILLEGAL viewing point." (the other side of the fence)

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Stop drinking yogurt!

How lazy can you be?

Everyone loves yogurt.  The yogurt section at the supermarket is always so crowded and crammed. Scientists and astronauts and supermarket managers and other intellectuals have tried putting their heads together but cannot figure out how to allocate yogurt to consumers at an efficient rate.

They figured out how to get them to CONSUME it faster, though.  "Just squirt it down your mouth!  No chunks and no spoon!"

The chunks are the BEST PART!  When you see the ACTUAL strawberry on the spoon it's so exciting.

Did Yoplait steal the idea of Go-Gurt from V8?  There seem to be a lot of products for people that want to be lazy AND healthy.  Remember those milkshakes that were supposed to make you skinny?  THEY WERE MILKSHAKES.  What's coming next?  "New miracle diet!  You can DRINK banana pudding!"


So as everyone knows, the latest most popular trend is GREEK yogurt.  People crowd and shove each other at the store trying to get it as if it's as important as a Cabbage Patch Doll giving birth to ANOTHER Cabbage Patch Doll.

So it is obvious where this is all headed.

The Greek yogurt "smoothie."


I do not really understand what "smoothies" are.  I only drink water and tea and alcohol and Tang.  (NOT at the same time.)  But it seems like a winner of an idea.  Can't you picture some sweaty person coming home from the gym all like "I just had the greatest workout, followed by a Greek yogurt smoothie!"

"Good for you!  I'm finishing my slice of fish oil pie!"

Certain foods should only be in certain forms, man.

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I would like to be guilty of unsportsmanlike conduct

Problem is, I am not good at any sports, and therefore do not play them.  I can't play golf, so I will never be in a position to throw a golf club into a lake.  I suck at baseball, so I don't get to kick dirt at people that I disagree with.  I do not know how to play hockey, and am ALSO bad at fighting.

What I AM good at is board games.  Do board games count as "sports?"  They are certainly widely regarded and respected as leisurely activities but so are crossword puzzles and masturbating.  People never form CLUBS for that though.  They just solve the puzzles and do, yanno, the other thing, individually and privately.

This is becoming awkward, let's move on.


Even if you are competent at something, you cannot always win.  Losing at Monopoly?  It's human psychology to just "flip the board."  The thimble and the dog and the "Get Out Of Jail Free" card and the HOTELS and the orange $500 bill go flying all over the house.  EVERYONE has experienced this situation, USUALLY as a little kid.

It would be funny if an adult did it.

"BODY ODOR RAILROAD?!?!  NOOOOOOOOOOOO."

Tiny little green houses all of a sudden everywhere, including on the pizza.

CHESS is the funniest game to suddenly lose your temper about, because it is SO stereotyped as being for intellectuals.  It would be so awesome if just ONE TIME somebody actually "flipped the board" in a USA vs Russia match, or whatever other nations are relevant these days.

Here is what chess pieces would look like with faces:

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Towels

Towels are certainly necessary in life (and SOMETIMES death) but they are also one of strangest "garments" of all, including kneepads and crowns.  Towels are basically super-thick and colorful napkins that you only wear at certain times, and even then you can't wait for actual clothes.


Idea: Towel Parties.  It would be like a nudist colony except nobody would ACTUALLY be naked.  Like for people that are ALMOST ready.  It still costs a LOT of MONEY to attend, though.


What's a better feeling?  "DRY" or "WET?"  As with most things, political and otherwise, the truth is usually in the middle.  Democrats and Republicans always fight angrily on television.  They should snap each other with towels too, live on the air.  It would be great for rating$$$.


I have an idea for a new towel design (I've been meaning to text those of my friends that work in the fashion industry, but lost focus because I wrongfully was defeated at Bingo.  I forgot to put a certain chip on a certain number while I was going to the bathroom or WHATEVER.)  Once my lawsuit with that guy FINALLY ends, though, I am going to do this next thing.

TOWELS THAT ARE DESIGNED LIKE KILTS.  Isn't that so easy and brilliant?  Everybody that walks around the house with a towel around their waist would like to pretend to be Braveheart, at least for a few minutes.

As usual, though, I don't know how to actually use any of my great ideas to make money.  That's why Bingo is better.


I was gonna try to download a picture of Mel "Braveheart" Gibson, but then decided it would be a way better idea to download a picture of a totally naked DEBBIE Gibson, so I did that instead:

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Priests

Are you allowed to dress that exact way if you're not one?  I know that it's illegal to impersonate people like police officers and lifeguards, but what if you just really like wearing black clothes and a white collar as a fashion statement or Halloween costume?  Can you get in TROUBLE for that?  Halloween is coming up SOON, so I need to know.  Any of you ACTUAL cops or lifeguards that are reading this please e-mail me to tell me what the official rules are.


Times have become modern recently.  a lot of people text or otherwise use their phone while at work.  Do priests do that?  Imagine getting caught.  Maybe you wouldn't be bold enough to take your phone out during a SUNDAY mass or funeral or whatever, but what about one of those Tuesday masses where there's only four very old ladies sitting there, all spread far apart within the PEWS?  That would have to make it very tempting to whip your phone out and check in real quick, like during an extra-long hymn or something.

Old Lady: Father, were you LOOKING at your PHONE during the HYMN?

Priest: Ummm...yes.  BUT!  It was an emergency text from the Pope.  He says that it's okay to be gay now.


Back to the clothes.  If you DID choose to show up at a church dressed like a priest and started walking around and shaking hands and saying prayers and trying to consult people in the confessional, what would actually happen?  There's really no security there, only "ushers."  I hope that if someone ever tries to do that, two larger-sized ushers grab the imposter priest by both arms and forcibly dunk the person's head into the Baptismal fountain for an extra-scary amount of time.  Then you get verbally warned not to try to pretend to be a priest ever again and get "ushed" out into the STREET.


a Confession "app" would be all the rage these days.  You just Tweet the priest whatever you did wrong.

Young lady: i had adultrey (sic)

Priest: do a rosary

Young lady: k


Not getting to have ANY sex EVER is a main reason nobody wants to be a priest anymore.  There are other reasons though.  Not EXCITING enough.

Human beings have an instinct to want to save and help each other, make things better.  People are still willing to accept dangerous tasks like being a police officer or fireman.  But not a priest.  The reason?  No EXCITEMENT.

Change that shit up!  (Sorry, Father.)  First of all, priests should get special cars with lights and sirens.  an alarm goes off at the rectory, and the priest springs into action.

"Out of my WAY!  Someone is SINNING!"

"Someone needs LAST RITES!  I better HURRY!"

Then the priest gets to slide down a long pole and hop into his car and race to the scene.  Or if it's one of those older gibberish-speaking priests that could no way ever slide down a pole they could use one of those big spiraled slides like children enjoy at the playground.  There could be pricey and elaborate decorations on it, or it could just be made of expensive stained glass to begin with.

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Quilting

What are quilts?

According to the biological definition, and also late-night infomercials, quilts are basically two blankets that are sewn together.  So I gotta ask: WHY NOT JUST USE TWO BLANKETS?!?!

It costs the same, and is easier.  Why would someone need one gigantic "double blanket?"  It's not a cheeseburger or a scotch on the rocks, it's a BLANKET.  Just use two.


Anyhoo, sometimes people go camping.  and a lot of people that go camping sleep in "sleeping bags."  WHY?  Just wrap yourself in one, two, maybe THREE quilts.  You'd be so warm.  What, are you afraid that bears and raccoons are gonna see you wrapped up in QUILTS?  Even if they saw it, why do you CARE what a bear thinks?

"Look at those stupid patches."

and the raccoon...

"I am totally gonna give that person eye-rabies because that's all I want to do in life."


There are a lot of unusual reality television shows these days.  Imagine one in which b-words and c-words and d-words and also VERY NICE LADIES are super competitive about quilting.  Maybe celebrities could even be in it, like "Dancing With The Stars."  Marisa Tomei and Michael Jordan knitting quilts and sniping at each other.

"YOUR movie sucked."

"No YOURS did."


One of my latest favorite ideas is a sleeping bag that is ALSO a quilt.  You just build it out of twice as much stuff and it keeps you SO warm.  It would be like sleeping right in the middle of a double cheeseburger.  Or especially in the middle of a Big Mac.  You could rest so comfortably on that middle bread part.

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New phone apps

Boy oh boy do people love "apps."  Also, games.  So here are some new ones.

(Since I do not know how to invent these myself, I will CONTINUE to allow important scientists and other nerds to steal my ideas.  You know who you are.)


#1) Paddleball app

This might seem like a really boring idea, but I gotta ask.  Why was this "game" EVER considered interesting or exciting?  How do you keep score?  Does someone have to stand there and WATCH you?  If so, nice life.  Anyway, a phone app would save someone the trouble.  The phone would automatically keep track of how many times you hit the same button in a row, and then you could report it to Facebook, because everyone would love that.


#2) Foot War app

Unless you were an only child, and therefore mentally disturbed, everyone fondly remembers "Foot War."  You and one of your siblings sit on opposing ends of the couch, watching TV, and push the bottoms of your feet against each other to establish household power and influence.  Meanwhile, you both have your heads turned watching cartoons or Gilligan.  Very casual yet important battle.  Make a phone app in which you can do the same vs a friend (or ENEMY) to help fill up the workday.


#3) The Floor Is Lava app

I don't think I need to explain this one.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, start with Foot War.  The Floor Is Lava is too advanced for you.


#4) Hopscotch app

Children these days are fat, and rarely own chalk.  But they usually have phones and tablets, so I feel that "hopscotch" could potentially enjoy a significant rebirth.  Might have to change it up a little to capture the attention of the current generation.  Maybe you hop ONTO things, instead of just numbers, and kill them.  Like birds or pigs or Mario.  Or Luigi.  Or the President.


#5) Dodgeball app

At some point teachers and parents decided that dodgeball was unfairly cruel, and is no longer allowed to be played.  Therefore, create an app in which you get to whip a big rubber ball at the "avatars" of your friends, co-workers, Facebook friends, and fellow parishioners.  Actually, since it's just an app, you wouldn't have to limit yourself to a rubber ball.  You could throw ANYTHING at them!  We have the technology now.  Pay like $1 to be able to throw a manhole cover like a frisbee.  $5 for a cute and colorful grenade that wipes out everybody you work with all at once. 

Games are fun.

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The Gerber Baby

What a ham.

Everybody loves that face.  The Gerber Baby has been hugely popular for MULTIPLE decades.  Where's the merchandising, though?

Some ingenious prototypes that I came up with:

I have never had nor owned a baby.  Are there cheaper baby food alternatives that are way crappier?  Like "Hunt's Baby Food" or "Great Value?"  If so who buys that?

"Sorry you can't have the GERBER strained peas, Olivia Ann, but we gotta save that nickel for your college fund.  I know you can't understand me, but I apologize in advance for the impending whole-pea-chunks.  and yes, I am only PRETENDING to talk on my cell phone right now so that people will not think I am crazy."


Competitive eating is all the rage these days.  How about a baby food eating contest?  and no, not with babies actually DOING it (it would take like two weeks to get a baby to eat ten jars) but with someone like Joey Chestnut slamming down shot after shot of baby food as a man in a suit scrutinizes over his shoulder.

Judge: Watch that dribble, Chestnut!  I'll let it go THIS time, but that's an official verbal warning.

Joey Chestnut: Auhghghauuuphaugh...sorry...auhghhh...


If there IS generic baby food, is there a not-as-cute baby on the label?

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Autumn Resolutions (The Dirty Third)

a lot of people make New Year's Resolutions.  They rarely stick to them, it's too hard.  If your resolution is to lose weight, you MIGHT make it through the summer.  If it's to drink less, sometimes you can hold out until St. Patrick's Day.  If it's to quit smoking, maybe you make it past noon.

Once summer ends, most people start to feel extra stressed and depressed.  There's so much PRESSURE.  "How are we gonna pay for Christmas?!"  "What's the best place to get school supplies?!"  "What am I gonna be for Halloween?!"

So, to help relieve that tension, I am NOT advocating "letting yourself go" completely, but you should pick at least a few Autumn Resolutions in which you vow to intentionally ruin a little part of your body or mind.

"I'm going to take less hikes and eat way more pie!  Starting...NOW."

Unlike New Year's, Autumn Resolutions would be far easier to KEEP.  That is good for self-esteem.

"I achieved my goal of gambling more.  Fantasy Football helped."

Kids get summer vacation from school.  Adults GO on vacation in the summer, but that ain't restful because you have to take the kids.  So basically what I'm suggesting is that everyone entitle themselves to a 4-month long "me day" lasting from Labor Day until New Year's Eve.  Not entirely sure what to call such a thing, though.  I've been discussing it with my staff  and my favorite idea so far is "The Dirty Third."

During the Dirty Third, you would allow yourself to do things like smoke a cigar for breakfast (not EVERY day)  and drink Hershey Syrup straight from the bottle.  Kid needs help with homework?  "We'll make up for it next semester."  Instead of eating fruit, have a glass of wine.  Instead of jogging, go bowling.

Then on January 1st you finally look in a mirror, and everything starts over again.

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Toaster or toaster OVEN? Which is BETTER?

How come toast tastes better when it's vertical?  Conversely, toaster OVENS lend themselves to so many more interesting ideas.

#1 (like all popular food choices in life) pizza.

You can heat or re-heat pizza in a toaster oven, but the regular toaster can't do that.  Doesn't fit.  Even if it's a 4-slice toaster.  DON'T try cramming pizza in those slots.  You will start a fire, break the toaster, and/or die.

NOW THEN.

There IS this thing where you can make "toaster strudels."  But THOSE usually have fruit inside and then you squeeze the icing on afterwards.

How come you can't put pizza fillings in "strudel?"  You can put pizza fillings in "rolls" and Hot Pockets and on top of miniature frozen bagels and also into your STOMACH. Why is a vertical toaster version out of the question? You would just squeeze the cheese on out of a tube or similarly appropriate device.

"LeGgO mY eGgO"

I have no way of knowing, since I do not know him, but I would surmise (yes, SURMISE) that the guy that came up with the "Leggo My Eggo" slogan is dead by now.  Too bad for him, he should have come up with a Pizza Eggo.

He did not.

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How to catch a mouse

First thing people think of is "get a cat."  Problem with that is then you have to OWN a cat.

"Oh it's cool if my house smells like pee all the time."  Dog owners have to put up with a similar thing. Except it's OUTside!  AM I RIGHT PEOPLE?

Cats pee and poo inside of a special bin inside of the house.  There are many products available to reduce the SCENT.  I gotta ask though, WHY NOT OUTSIDE?  It would be extremely proper to place that kitty shit bin outside of the house.  You will never do that, though.  Wanna know why?  CATS DO NOT LIKE PEOPLE.  If you let them outside they RUN AWAY.

They are JERKS, everyone knows that.


(Hang on a minute...)


Okay, now that I have slept through my temporary rage, let's get back to trapping mice.

Remember how on Tom and Jerry there was that stereotypical mouse-hole in the wall?  That obviously never happens for real.  Why not, though?  Let's start doing it, I say.  Even if it's just black paint.  Imagine a small child or midget getting fooled and trying to look in.

Better yet, craft a REAL one.  If you happen to have the means, you could set up a decently cool apartment in there like Jerry had.  Furniture and shit.  It would be like Barbie's place except a bit nicer and also inside of your wall.  Think about it.  There would be very few limitations.  You could have a Barbie pool IN there!  WITH a waterslide!  Imagine a real-alive guest peeking inside and being SO impressed.  WAY better than a fish tank.


What is the weirdest environment in which to have a mouse problem?  It's usually rural homes and businesses.  But does a mouse ever get loose and establish a life at a GYM?  Some angry gym employee...

"Oh my GOD that mouse got into the protein bars AGAIN."

NEVER be an angry gym employee.  Never EVER.


"Yay I finally murdered him!!!"

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Burger King relocating to Canada

The U.S. government is furious over this because it would result in a major loss of tax revenue, but guess what Obama?  It was YOUR WIFE that told everybody not to eat unhealthy fast food all the time in the first place.  Now you are seeing the repercussions.  Burger King lets you "Have It Your Way," but YOU can't have it BOTH ways.  Do you guys WANT Burger King here or NOT?  Make a decision!  You are the President!

(I wonder if they fought about it while at Camp David?)


There's another major victim in this, that being Mickey D's.

Canadians are very prideful.  What Canadian person would go to a McDonalds now?  You'd be shunned.  It would be like going to Dunkin Donuts instead of Tim Hortons, or Taco Bell instead of.....wherever Canadians get tacos.

So finally for once, after years of failure, BK seems to have outsmarted McDonalds in at least ONE small way.

They relocated to a MONARCHY!

If you didn't know this, Canada technically recognizes the Queen of England as its monarch.  (I am not making this up.)  and like most things in Canada, Canadian people LIKE it that way.  Same as how they love hockey, their different bacon, and Celsius.

"22 degrees!  It's so hot out!"

(Just give in at least on THAT one, already.  You know it sounds dumb.)


I propose a series of TV ads in which the Burger King and Queen of England fall in love and get married.  The actual Queen probably wouldn't agree to participate, but that's okay.  You just get a stunt double and/or lookalike.  Then there would be Kids Meals in which the free included toy would be one of four celebratory action figures: the King, the Queen, Tim Horton, or the Royal Baby (rarest and most sought-after).

Collect them all!

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Butterfly and Moth Are Friends

(This is like "Frog and Toad Are Friends," except stolen.)

Butterfly: MOTH!  I have finally emerged from my cocoon, and am now fully prepared to enjoy an enriching life filled with joy and wonderment.

Moth: OOH, a LAMP!

Butterfly: I will witness sunrises and sunsets.  Children being born.  Holidays with family, and fun and amazing adventures with friends.

Moth: I JUST BANGED INTO A WALL REALLY HARD BUT KEPT FLYING AROUND!

Butterfly: I'm not certain what I would like to be.  a poet?  Maybe an actor.  I guess I could learn to play the guitar.

Moth: I MIGHT GO TO COMMUNITY COLLEGE!

Butterfly: Oh look over there.  Some fresh-cut grass.  Isn't that always nice?

Moth: WHAT'S A CIVIL SERVICE TEST?  HOW DO YOU GET ONE?

Butterfly: Riding a bike to work seems like a good idea.

Moth: I AM GONNA ORDER SOMETHING AT MCDONALDS AND THEN COMPLAIN!

Butterfly: Did you know that butterflies are awake at night TOO?  I love the stars.

Moth: I LOOK FOR STREETLIGHTS AND BONK MY HEAD INTO THEM 6000 TIMES IN A ROW!

Butterfly: I am glad that we are friends, Moth.

Moth: I WISH THAT I HAD MONEY AND THAT EVERYONE AGREED ABOUT RELIGION!

Butterfly: See you tomorrow.

*Butterfly goes away.

Moth: GOD DAMMIT.

The end!

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Doritos and Addiction

(Look at how festive the bag is.  Also note the NET WT.)

Almost everybody is crazy about Doritos.  Even Saddam Hussein was.  Everyone saw.  Who gave Doritos to Saddam Hussein?  Does he get to eat Doritos in hell TOO?  If so I hope they are Cool Ranch with all the ranch coating licked off and also with all the corners missing.


NOW then.  It's no secret that Doritos are a staple food of weed-heads.  Greedy corporate types have been attempting to exploit this for YEARS.  Maybe like THREE years.

and oh look at this coinkydink, legalized and/or "medicinal" marijuana is suddenly all the rage in a certain percentage of states.  I sense COLLUSION.

Okay, whoops, I accidentally uploaded the wrong photo.  But you get my point anyway.


Why do people eat "taco in a bag?"  a taco is not that expensive.  You KNOW why they eat it.  They are actively ON DRUGS.

"Dude, a taco in a BAG?  That's far out, man.  I GOT to SEE that.  and then eat it...amongst other things."


So now the latest innovation is "Doritos Loaded" which is available EXCLUSIVELY at 7-11.  and gee (yes, GEE!) guess who turns up at 7-11 in the middle of the night?

Remember being like 8 years old and going to some other kid's birthday party and they only had the crappy version of cheese-flavored corn chips?  You ate them anyway.  You know you did.

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Classic rock stations only PRETEND to respect the Beatles

The Beatles WERE great, most cherished and beloved ever, but hey how about actually PLAYING their music sometimes.

It ain't right to just use a PICTURE of John Lennon on your website or mobile van and then just play Deep Purple all day.  WHO IS THAT FOR?

Are a bunch of guys fixing a roof too embarrassed to admit that the Beatles "I Want To Hold Your Hand" is a really great and treasured song?  Instead it has to be "Radar Love" by Golden Earring?  That's like the all-time roofing anthem.  WHY?

"We all agree that this is the best song to roof to.  No Paul McCartney at ALL.  Hey maybe we'll hear some JETHRO TULL next!"


You never hear Elvis on rock stations either.  How come?  He was the KING of that!

Instead it's Steely Dan and Grand Funk Railroad.  GOOD PROGRAMMING.

I guess I'M the one that's wrong, because they certainly must have charts and graphs to prove that their formula is a winner, otherwise why would they keep doing it?  But imagine a CLASSICAL music station that refused to play Beethoven or Mozart.  Would not be very good.

"Beethoven was great.  But here's some crap instead!"

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We are running out of fat celebrities

By which I do not mean that they are DYING, they just keep getting SKINNY, which is good, but don't we sorta need fat people AROUND?

So, like, "Newman" from Seinfeld lost a lot of weight.  and that was a VERY GOOD thing to do.

We still need fat people, though!  Even if just for VARIETY.


Think about Marie Osmond.  She was skinny, then she got fat, and then she got skinny AGAIN.  Yet (YET!) she was ALWAYS so good, REGARDLESS of weight.

Samuel L. Jackson another one.

I do not judge people based on body type, I just approve of everybody all the time.  It can be weird, though, not knowing what to prefer or expect.  Like when you go on the airplane and can't remember which meal you picked.

"Did you ask for a fat Marie Osmond or a skinny Marie Osmond?"

"Ummm, both would be okay but I CAN'T REMEMBER!"


Quick tabloid idea: Marie dating Newman.

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There should be an ugly James Bond

It's too discriminatory.  Ugly people can be smart and witty and good at escaping murder, too.

Everyone knows that most Hollywood celebrities are expected to be nice to look at.  There are sometimes exceptions though, like "Hey Vern, It's Ernest" and also Roseanne.

and hey WHY can't James Bond ever be of a different ethnicity or possibly even a lady?  They keep changing James Bond anyway.  Switch it up!  Make him a girl, it would be like Charlie's Angles except only one of them.  I guess there could be some logistic problems, such as how women always have to pee every 15 minutes, but otherwise I think it could be pretty neat!

DID THE CHARLIE'S ANGELS GIRLS "GO TO THE BATHROOM" IN GROUPS?  Either on the show or in real life.  If you were one of them, get back at me.

How come Batman is always supposed to be handsome too?  He wears a MASK.  With BAT EARS on it!

What about a girl version of "Dukes of Hazzard?"  Imagine them sliding in and out of the car all the time, that would be neat.

Replace the Daisy Duke character with Timothy Dalton.

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The Pacific Northwest

Don't move there!  It's gonna RAIN.  See?

That was obviously just a "joke" of course. (...) It actually does seem like a decent place to live.  All those good computer jobs and coffee and people cuttin down trees with chainsaws.  Happiness all around.

So then why is there this thing where a certain TYPE of person dreams of relocating to the Pacific Northwest?  You know who I mean.

I ain't never been there in person, but the mindsets seem fairly conflictive.  "Dude, let's move to Seattle!  We can smoke pot AND be millionaires!"  Imagine cutting down a tree while all high on pot.

(Disclaimer: Do NOT do that.)

Since most weedheads will never actually MAKE it there, I propose that there should be a Pacific Northwest television network.  "PNN."  Grungy 20-somethings could stare at the TV eating flapjacks all like "Yeah, Portland.  OR Seattle.  Man look all those treeeeeeees."

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Apple picking

Why would anybody CHOOSE to buy or eat a YELLOW apple?  Nobody could make a good dish out of that, including a Korean person.

That being so irresponsibly said, what goes on at actual "apple picking?"  If you throw one at somebody, all playfully like a snowball, do you get KICKED OUT?  One time I saw this fat kid in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese get kicked out for whipping one of the balls at an even fatter kid's head.


ANYHOO (as usual), back to apples.  Certain foods come in a variety of colors.  Not everything can be brown and pink like steak.  I have never officially "apple picked."  What is it like?  Is it about gathering the MOST apples or just the best variety?  I'd like to know.

(Granny Smith, e-mail me.)

So yeah, when it comes to things like m&ms and bell peppers, everyone loves that color variety.

WHO EATS A PURPLE PEPPER THOUGH?

I've never HAD one, but the reason for that is that nobody ever SERVED me one.

Somebody come up with a purple-pepper-and-yellow-apple recipe.  If it somehow sucks, you will be "chopped."

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"eVeRyWhErE yOu LoOK!" The Full House BLOG

^ (Where is he sitting?  He actually LEFT the HOUSE?)

How come it's "starring" John Stamos and not Bob Saget?  Did Bob Saget CARE?  He was the DAD!  What a deadbeat.  At least he had a job I guess.


So everyone knows the gag with this show.  Three men living together, and no one will move out, no matter WHAT.  The John Stamos character got MARRIED and still wouldn't go.  Wife all cool with it.

If you don't remember, the wife in question was hosting a morning TV show with the Bob Saget character.  AND living with his entire family, besides his dead wife.  I'm sure that was perceived as completely normal by everybody in their workplace and community.

Why couldn't the married couple at least move ACROSS the STREET or next-door or SOMETHING.  Because the "House" itself would no longer be "Full?"  That's dumb.  "Laverne and Shirley" was still CALLED "Laverne and Shirley" even after Shirley quit the show for unknown reasons of hostility.  I guess it also was cancelled almost immediately, so MAYBE the Full House people knew what they were doing.

Try to guess which twin is which.  I bet you can't.

Anybody miss having the Friday night "T.G.I.F." lineup in general?  I do.  That was such a great weekly staple.  They should do that again, Big Bang Theory could be on it.

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My latest idea: Fake road signs

Why is "YIELD" an upside-down triangle?  How does that help?  If I ever have enough money to do so I am gonna buy or steal one and then fling it like a frisbee just to see what happens.  POSSIBLY into water, it will depend if I have that around.


So whoop-de-doop and okie-dokey, my latest idea is inventing and falsifying made-up road signs.  NOT in a way that might harm people.  I understand that STOP signs and deer crossing signs are things that people need for safety and security, but you gotta admit there are some pretty unnecessary ones.

"BUMP."

"DIP."

So if it's something like THAT I say change it up!


Children and other vandals like to do a thing where they spray-paint the number "1" in front of the 65-mile-per-hour speed limit so that motorists will be tricked into thinking that the actual speed limit is 165 miles per hour.  Such a classic prank.  Guess what, though.  We got computers now.

Just print out a completely colorized letter "C" and paste it over the "Dip" sign, which nobody needs anyway.  Hundreds of people driving by.  "C?  What does that MEAN?"

The cops will eventually come and peel it off and throw it out.  Then you just print and re-paste a new one.  So easy.  Keep doing it every day for your WHOLE LIFE until you are CAUGHT.

"C" is for "Cookie," by the way.


(I do not believe that this is the legitimate Cookie Monster.  Seems more like a relative.)

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More on girl toys

and no, not THOSE kind of "girl toys."  If that's what you're Googling for, please unplug your computer and phone your parole officer or clergyman.


Strawberry Shortcake and her friends had hair that smelled like different kinds of fruit.  Did anybody O.D.?  That is a RHETORICAL question, but at the same time, somebody by default, in life, had to do the absolute most Strawberry Shortcake head-smelling ever.  Just a girl (I hope) in her room, all alone.


"My Little Pony" possibly the most boring children's toy ever.  There should have been a bad guy that ate them.

Most VERY little girls have "baby dolls."  Usually more than one, which I have to say is a pretty realistic system.  Some of them can cry and/or wet their pants, but only some.  Not all.

Easy Bake Oven?  Not too useful unless your way-older brother is a pothead.

She-ra?  Lame.  Imagine the marketing decision.  "He-man with a VAGINA."

Every line of BOY action figures has at least one token girl mixed in.  G.I. JOE had "Lady Jaye."  and Baroness.  They should have fought and then started kissing, at least once.  (I suppose we could still make that happen, but who has the time?)

WAY long ago little girls used to have PAPER dolls.  Kids also used to get yelled at for "playing with matches."  Coincidence?

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