Muslim Fashion Show

I understand the difference between warm-blooded and cold-blooded animals, but it's weird when you see ducks swimming in winter.  Creek all icy and there's ducks in there.  "STOP SWIMMING IN THAT!  PUT ON A TOWEL!"

I also get mad (I have anger issues) when I see seagulls in parking lots loitering around waiting for Burger King scraps.  GO TO THE BEACH.  The very BEST part of being a seagull has to be, #1, being able to FLY but then also somehow being able to spot and eat things right out of natural WATER.  How do they do that?

Bears, too.  I understand that most bears are born with gifts but how does a bear just snatch a fish right out of the water all natural?  SMOKEY the Bear hates fire but I wonder if a regular, not anal-retentive bear ever started a very small campfire to safely cook fish upon (UPON).  Bears are weird animals, man.  Then again, find me a normal one.

I AM NORMALLY AGAINST KILLING SPIDERS.  They HELP.  But I SWEAR to GOD (yes HIM) SPIDER WEB ALL OVER THE SIDE VIEW MIRROR OF THE CAR EVERY SINGLE GOD (oops) DAMN MORNING?  and it ain't even all fanciful like Charlotte's Web or anything.  Yet I never can catch or find or see the actual spider doing it.  IT'S PRETTY FRUSTRATING.  You can tell by the CAPS.

I did once catch a mosquito in the act of biting, but there was no justice.  The damage was already done.

Also the only time I ever got stung by a bee was when I was delivering newspapers as a kid (I have a slightly better job now) and a bee decided to land on my HEAD so I swatted at him/her (wow are most bees boys or girls?  I never thought about that before) and it stung my finger but I did manage to get revenge by stepping on and subsequently killing that sucka afterwards.  I owned that bee.

Does the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee HATE on "regular" Cheerios?  He never says anything about it.  Sometimes little boys going through potty-training are given Cheerios in the toilet to "aim" at.  It's like Space Invaders, but different.  Is there extra potty-training value if the Cheerio is FROSTED?

Enquiring minds want to know.

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The Lion, the Bitch, and the Horrordrobe

(The bitch is the evil dentist.  "Horrordrobe" is obviously not a word but I'm on a deadline and couldn't think of anything better.)

So obviously this maniac dentist did a terrible thing.  There is no reason for me to supply my own personal "take" on it, it was just horrible.  (a DENTIST is HIDING.)


So instead, let's just talk about some reasons why lions are great.

#1 they are trustworthy.  You can stick your head right in their mouths and they don't care.  This has been well documented.  I tried it at African Lion Safari and the lion was totally cool with it.  They unfairly kicked me out anyway though, as usual.  Whatever.

Lions are nocturnal.  That's why you never see them DO anything at the zoo.  I wonder what goes on at night?  (Let's be honest, probably sex.)  If the zookeeper is nice he probably pumps some Barry White out of his bluetooth.

Female lions are SCIENTIFICALLY drawn to the males with the fullest manes.  So that's another strike against all you bald dudes right there.

Not bald:

WHITE lions are cool, and also good at music.

Lions can ROAR really well, but don't do it back at them.  The zoo says not to.  It's like how you can't tap on an aquarium.  Mooing out the car window at cows is still okay, though.  Cows don't give a shit.  About anything.

a fun fact is that lions are also considered KINGS.  I kind of wonder how the British Royal Family feels about that.  "You can't just CALL somebody a king or queen.  You have to EARN it."

Do you?

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We gotta make this Donald Trump thing even more ridiculous

What's to lose, at this point?  This guy is laughing all the way to the BANK.

Who is his Vice President going to be?  #1 suggestion that will seal the deal:

Then someone will assassinate Trump (I am NOT threatening the President, he isn't that yet) and Bruce takes over and everybody is so happy for her.

Remember when "weird" Presidents were just actors and football players and stuff?  That seemed pretty bizarre at the TIME.

What changed?

He's going to win, by the way.  Remember Jesse the Body becoming governor?  Everybody had the nerve to act surprised.  YOU VOTED.  Who in hell lost to him?  Imagine how he/she/it felt.

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How To Use Chopsticks/ Just Put Everything On A Baked Potato Already (a first time EVER Captain Dan TWO FOR ONE blog!)

Here is how you use chopsticks.

You put the left one in your left hand and the right one in your right hand.  Then you pretend to play the drums.

Chopsticks also make neat fake antennae.  Especially for completely bald people since they pretty much look like aliens anyway.

How do not-Chinese people LEARN to use chopsticks?  Somebody tell me.  Is there a COURSE?  There's a billion people over there, one of you is reading this.

PART TWO

Baked potato toppings:

Butter
Bacon
CHIVES
Sour cream
Potato CHIPS
Ketchup
Cheese
Potato skins (from a different potato)
Marijuana
Sprinkles
MSG
a fried egg
Steak sauce
Doritos


There should be baked potato FIGHTS.  Like snowball fights except way more different and wasteful.  Don't bother with toppings if you use this idea, though.  That's just EXTRA waste.

***IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER***  Do NOT ever attempt to HURT someone with a baked potato, unless it's by serving it to them way too quickly.


Here is a very bald man that once ate a baked potato WITH chopsticks:

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TV romance 101

Remember "Friends?"  The TV show?  Why did they just not have constant orgies?

"Because that would be wrong."

How did Blanche get away with being such a whore on Golden Girls?  Old lady Sophia was so quick with the jokes but never had the guts to say "Blanche, where's the cheesecake?  Oh pardon me I see now that a man in a bathrobe has smeared it all over you.  Carry on."

(Professional note: That show won EMMY AWARDS.)

"Alf" got cancelled too soon.  He wasn't given time to meet and subsequently romance some sort of she-Alf.  Like Latka from "Taxi" did. and geez the Muppets.  I am hardly the first person to point out that a frog and a pig doing each other is wrong, but it is.  Even Blanche would not stand for that.

"iF yOu tHeW a pArTy..."

Gay marriage is all the rage these days.  Wedding episodes of TV shows always garner (yes GARNER) huge ratings.  Imagine Larry and Balki from "Perfect Strangers" finally getting married.  At the Sonic drive-thru.  Amazing ratings hit, plus sponsored by Sonic.  Everybody wins!

Imagine Luke and Bo finally marrying.  Errr, wait.  They were cousins, so that's not right.  Imagine Boss Hogg and Uncle Jesse... errrR...let's not.

Imagine Daisy Duke in general.

(da da da da da da da DA DA DA t**s)

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Do couples fight over pet names?

Obviously if it is a human kid there are these well-known classic arguments.

Husband: I think "Jennifer" would be a nice name.

Wife: No way, I like "Fanny."

Husband: YOU CAN'T NAME A KID THAT.

Wife: WHY NOT?  OH, BECAUSE IT'S *MY* IDEA?

Husband: AUUUUUGGGHHHH!  I HATE YOU!

Wife: AUUUUGGGHHHH!  I HATE YOU TOO FOR NOT LIKING "FANNY!"


...aaand that's how a relationship usually goes.


But does the same thing happen with pets?  and if so, how important of an animal do you have to be to be rage-worthy?

I could see if you are a horse...

Husband: Let's call him "Brock."

Wife: This is a girl horse, duh.  Let's call her "Meadow."

Husband: GIRL HORSE God DAMMIT.  I wasted money!  I should have looked.


Other animals, off the top of my head.  Two people trying to name a parrot...

Wife: I like "Polly."

Husband:  NO.  That's stupid.  You don't name the BIRD "Polly."  You name the BIRD "Cracker."  See?  THAT is what's smart.  THAT is what's clever.  THAT is...  GOD DAMMIT I LEFT THE WINDOW OPEN.  WHERE'S THE BIRD??? ..... IT LEFT!


Big fight over a goldfish name...

I really like "Goldie."

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Bad candy tastes bad

Who in hell eats Black Twizzlers?  Imagine somebody on some streetcorner all like, "I *SWEAR* by these."

Ain't no cinnamon Gummy Worms.  Wonder why?  NOBODY WOULD EAT THAT.

Even him.

Blow Pop vs Tootsie Pop: What would you rather find in the middle?  "I like bubble gum!"  "Not me, I prefer a Starburst that tastes bad and is uncomfortably brown."

There should be a lollipop that has a breath mint in the middle.  I am always so full of these good ideas.  Not proud of them, but certainly full.

Does anyone ENJOY eating a CANDY COIN?  If so get back at me.

IS THERE A KRISPIE VERSION OF THAT?

Okay, since I'm clearly delirious at this point, let's talk about Nerds.

No, no, not that.  I mean NERDS.

That's a top candy right there, same as real-life nerds make the most money.  Well, besides people that are gifted at sports.  They make a lot more.  Take LeBron James for example:

He could have a full-size outdoor swimming pool full of Nerds candy if he FELT like it.  Really think about that.  It would get all contaminated like the bulk candy bin at the supermarket, so you couldn't actually EAT them.  But man, that deep end.  Imagine a belly flop.

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Old People Jogging

I apologize in advance to any old people reading this as well as joggers/runners in general but I cannot deny that my principle source of humor lately has been misfortune happening to old men that are actively in the process of failing at jogging.

Here is an incomplete list of their hypothetical failures:

- Slipping and falling down on ice and then getting up and running again real quick like it didn't happen

- a loose dog runs over and bites you

- Someone yells something from a passing car, like "Yo Rocky!" or else "You crappy old fool!"

- Someone sees you coming and sarcastically puts up a line of police tape between two telephone poles

- Wet cement  (STUCK all of a sudden)

- Running in a cemetery and you injure your leg or groin trying to leapfrog a tombstone

- Senile, forgot to put on your jogging shorts

- You look up at a shooting star and then BAM a car hits you

- You see your elderly ex-wife jogging from the other direction so you change course and it totally fucks up your intended route

- You pass a lemonade stand but have forgotten to carry any money with you

- You pass a lemonade stand and the children start whipping lemons at you

- You jump a shark


Don't get me started on old people riding bikes.  All with the damn inappropriate helmets and neon colors and shit. Get that out.


Here is an example of an elderly person who is also God.

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Starburst problem!

I keep a dish of Starbursts candy on my coffee table.  I find the spectrum of wrapper colors to be eye-appealing, and the taste sensation delights my various guests and service repairmen.  There is no square juicier than a Starburst.

Problem, though.  No one ever takes a yellow/lemon one.  So there is this huge backlog.

First of all I do not want to eat the yellow ones EITHER, but I do want equal color and flavor DISTRIBUTION.  So what to do?

(How do other smart people solve these PROBLEMS?  If you're Chinese get back at me.)

My initial thought was to unwrap all of the Starbursts and then re-wrap them in the wrong-colored paper.  I would do so wearing sanitary rubber gloves, and only I would hold the secret answer key.  Imagine the look on a friend or visiting clergyman's face when they unwrap what they THINK is going to be delicious cherry and then it's terrible lemon instead.  That would be so funny.  Also a great conversation starter.  "This reminds me of something God told me once..."

But who in HELL has time for all that wrapping and unwrapping?  Even God himself does not, and He is everywhere at all times.

So then my next thought was to take all the lemon Starbursts out of the house with me and just start leaving them places, all completely fresh and individually wrapped.  Would people EAT them?  Imagine somebody trying to make that DECISION.

Some diabetic or whatever all like, "Well, they ARE yellow, but they're also free."

So I figure leave a neat and tidy 6-pack of yellow Starbursts at the laundromat, the part of the Post Office where no one is looking, restaurant exits where the patrons are likely to be too cheap to PAY for a proper dessert, etc.  Then you go back the next day and see if they are still there.  Could be qute the interesting sociological study.

"Who left exactly 6 Starbursts in the Victoria's Secret dressing room?  Five yellow, one orange.  WHO?"

I don't think something like that would be classified as a CRIME, but who cares?  It feels just as good.

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Stevie Wonder can't see ghosts

Do blind people WORRY about that?  Or does it cancel out?

"I didn't see you, you didn't see me."

I bet Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder encountered each other and had friendly conversations multiple times in life.  I also bet they accidentally snubbed each other a lot.  Like at a reception somewhere, waiting in line at the urinal.  Stevie has no idea that RAY CHARLES is behind him.  and Ray can't tell that it's Stevie, he can only listen for when he's done.

Blind people are said to have extra-great hearing.  I wonder if that is more of a blessing or a curse when in a public restroom?


Newest fake dialogue: Stevie Wonder is visited by the spooky GHOST of Ray Charles:

Stevie: I sense a presence.

Ray Charles Ghost: I just called to say I'm dead.

Stevie: Ha, good one Ray.  What is it like being dead and a ghost?  Do they let you SEE?

Ray Charles Ghost: Yeah but they make you look at some terrible stuff at first.  It's like new-guy-that-can-see hazing.

Stevie: Man, should I be worried?

Ray Charles Ghost: Naw you are gonna get to SEE, man.  It's the best!  The up-close underside of a cow is pretty bad, though.

Stevie: Yeah I always wondered.

Ray Charles Ghost: They also made me look at a lot of girls in magazines.

Stevie: Oh how were they?

Ray Charles Ghost: Ehh, they all look alike.

***Rick James Ghost APPEARS***

Rick James Ghost: Boo.

Stevie: I sense ANOTHER presence.  Who are you?

Rick James Ghost: I am Rick James, sir.

Ray Charles Ghost: Rick James?!?  You ain't blind, get out!

Rick James Ghost: No.

Stevie: Hey Rick James, you probably saw a LOT of bad stuff while you had eyesight and were alive.  What was the worst thing EVER?

Rick James: a sunset.

Stevie: Really?

Rick James: Not the kind you're thinking of.  It's a thing the other guys make you stare at in prison.

Stevie: Oh.

...

Stevie: What is it?

...

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Veal: Can't we just fake it?

Most people enjoy the delicious taste of veal.  Most people also abhor cruelty to animals.

Isn't there a happy medium somewhere?

Think of Chicken McNuggets.  Definitely Mc.  Definitely Nuggets.  But also not chicken.  and nobody cares!  Do that with veal, I say.

Snooty waiter in a restaurant all like "What can I get for you, majeure?" (That was supposed to be "Monsieur" but I was too lazy to look up the spelling.)

So then the guy is like "I will have the veal" and the snoot is like "Bon appeTITS, sir" (oh wow it's off topic but IS that something people ever say about a woman that's well-stacked?  How magically juxtaposed to veal that is.  See?  Writing is awesome.)

But then the snooty waiter also has to say, "Just so you know, there is no actual cow meat in thi..."

and then the patron sticks his fingers in his ears all like "LA LA LA LA LA LA DON'T WANNA KNOW DON'T WANNA KNOW.  IT'S NOT AN ANIMAL, IT'S JUST MCNUGGETS."

"Very good, majoor, and your dipping sauce of choice?"

"Buffalo wing, duh."

It's just... McNuggets.

Moo.

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Why are ducks such jerks in cartoons?

Also how come cartoon ducks cannot fly?  Donald Duck used to become so ANGRY when people liked Mickey Mouse better.  Instead of having a temper tantrum he should have been like "Oh yeah?  Look at what I can do that you CAN'T, stupid jerk MOUSE" and then flown away all calmly.  Mickey Mouse all dissed, taking it out on the other characters.

"I AM MICKEY GOD DAMN MOUSE."

"Yeah, we know.  You also cannot fly."

"F!"


Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck used to argue a lot.  Bugs seemed to always come out on top.  Daffy is/was a duck.  Ducks can fly, rabbits cannot.  So imagine a typical scene where Bugs at FIRST outwits Daffy and then Daffy says "Take THIS!" and starts flying into the air and then poops bird poop all over Bugs Bunny's head.  I cannot think of a prank that would allow Bugs to ever top that.  I guess he could seduce Daffy's wife, but even then, there would be weird animal genitalia issues.


So to get back to my original point, WHY ARE CARTOON DUCKS NEVER RESPECTED AS PEACEFUL ANIMAL CITIZENS?  Ever see REAL ducks?  THEY ARE SO NICE AND KIND AND AFRAID OF THINGS AND NEVER BOTHER ANYONE.


Does Daffy Duck ever "quack?"  What does it sound like when he burps?

Mickey Mouse is with Minnie.  Are they married or what?

OR WHAT?  Imagine if he got her pregnant.  How many babies do mice give birth to at a time?  I'm really asking.

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Dear all mattress salesmen: CALM DOWN

They never address pee stains.  I don't pee in my bed and I bet most other people don't either but shouldn't that be a major selling point when you are trying to get somebody to buy an expensive MATTRESS?  Some people have incorrect bladders.  I am in no position to tell you how to do your job but seek them out and take advantage, mattress salesman.

(Do I have to do EVERYTHING for you?)

When you "test out" a mattress you should get to jump up and down on top of it.  I never see anybody doing that.  How come?  That would be such a cool first date, even though it would be recklessly presumptuous.

Imagine you are the salesman and someone asks you "Does this particular mattress make a lot of noise during sex?"  Then you say, "I don't know, I'll look it up on the computer."

One thing (ONE) that would be awesome would be mattress FIGHTS.  Kind of like pillow fights but you'd have to be way stronger.  Imagine whacking someone with a mattress in a good natured way.  What would the other person say?  Certainly not "OW!"  Mattresses do not hurt, that's the whole point of them.

Probably what you would say would be "I cannot believe that somebody just hit me with a MATTRESS.  Excuse me now, I have to go pee."

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Can you flunk charm school?

I never went.  Too bad.  There are lots of girls there, I heard.

Charm school, or "finishing school," as it's called in the Dirty South, is different from regular school in that you learn things that you might actually use in life.

You GOT to learn good manners, such as how to walk with a book on top of your head and how to daintily open a bag of potato chips without using your teeth.

Do the charm school students party on weekends?  If so, is there still an emphasis on etiquette?  Two girls politely assist a third in performing a kegstand in a manner in which her skirt does not slip past the knee.

SOME ladies go to truck driving school.  Do they get taught special trucker manners?

"Always pass the ketchup at the truck stop with your LEFT hand."

"No catty chatter on the CB."


Charm school student mudflap:

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Get out of here with these Kool-Aid "Jammers"

Kool-Aid ain't no fun unless you MAKE it.  David Koresh would agree.

Purplesaurus Rex: Most popular Kool-Aid flavor of all time?  That will be a topic of debate for the remainder of the history of the universe. Which, man, what kind of Kool-Aid varieties are there gonna be in the year 3000?  Probably "Unicorn Horn Unbelievably Found On The Moon Extract," which turns out to be the best possible tasting Kool-Aid ingredient.  Either that or mango.

As most people know, I am notoriously FRAUDULENT but I swear to GOD (yes, Him) that this story is absolutely true.  Where I grew up, a lot of kids would operate "Kool-Aid Stands" in an attempt to make some quick cash. "KOOL-AID FIVE CENTS!"  Like a lemonade stand except ghetto.  These were LITTLE kids.  But then in high school these two hot girls that lived near me opened up this really sophisticated Kool-Aid Stand where you got to pick the flavor ahead of time.  One of them would then go into the house to make it, and meanwhile, as a teenage boy, you got to TALK to a hot, popular girl (the other one) for a few minutes while waiting for your Kool-Aid.  I do not remember which flavor I picked, probably pink lemonade. Then you would drink the Kool-Aid in front of them and pay them a dollar.  It was like the most innocent, low-key prostitution scam ever.

Oh yeah.

I certainly recognize that I am behind the times but am I living in the same universe as this person?

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I Do Not Have Any Children But I Hate "Gymnastics" Anyway

Ever watch children performing gymnastics?  SO lame.  There's no hoops or flips or falling.

Bob Saget would love it, man.  Imagine him sitting in the bleachers with a Coca-Cola in a big paper cup and being immensely entertained.

All like, "Somebody got hurt AGAIN?  Good, they deserved it."

Who in hell actually mailed in video tapes to America's Funniest Home Videos?  All with these false hopes.  "The dog sneezed on the cat.  We could become RICH based on this accidentally videotaped situation."

I certainly cannot confirm this but I bet that out of the thousands and thousands of video tapes that the television show received, at least like ONE had to be amateur porn.  Somebody somewhere still probably has the tape, unless they threw it out.

Are there gymnastics FANS that have tapes and such?  That would be so disturbing.  People do "gather" for events like Dungeons and Dragons and church, but I cannot imagine anybody in any walk of life choosing to witness gymnastics on purpose.

It must be like NASCAR and figure skating where some of the people watching do not appreciate the art of it.  They just want blood and failure.

Mostly blood.

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I want to eat the rarest, scariest seafood

Seafood prices tend to vary widely based on how readily available the product it.  Fish sticks, cheap.  Shrimp, way more.  and if someone buys you a swordfish on a date, you better be DAMN well prepared to put out.

Beyond that, though, there are these secret terrifying fish at the bottom of the ocean that you never get to consume.

Some GOOD EXAMPLES:

Imagine a buffet where you would get to sample all the scariest fish and other animals that live in the WORLD.  That would be way better than Golden Corral.  Unlimited scary fish for one "deep" price.

Too many people are timid about eating seafood in general.

"I don't like cold shrimp!  EWW!"

"a live lobster?  No thanks.  Any animals I eat need to be LONG dead."

Get out of here with that cowardly eating.  Food should be an exciting taste ADVENTURE.

Plus, how proud would you be to have THIS in your stomach?

Blobfish Fest at Red Lobster...coming in 2015.

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2014 Year In Review Blog!

Most of 2014 was spent watching the Big Lots lady get psyched for Christmas.

Then Christmas actually happened, and I haven't seen or heard anything about her since.  Maybe she got overexcited and wound up stuck in an undersized chimney or wishing well.  If so, I hope to see her safely return to Big Lots advertisements for the next holiday season.

jInGLe bEllS
jInGLe bEllS
i fAll iNtO wEllS

oH wHaT fUn
iT iS tO rIDe
a wATeR sLiDe iNtO heLL


I did not get ebola in 2014.  Other people did, but only a few.  Apparently that's still too many.

Based on what a dentist told me, just in passing, we are all going to die eventually anyway, so who cares how it happens?  He told me that while we were actively sitting next to each other on a Malaysian airplane.  I haven't seen him since.

So what IS the meaning of life?

In 2014, we learned that life is all about that:

It's all about that...

Pop culture is on a roll.  Down a hill.  Then at the bottom of the hill there are zombies and Robert Downey Jr. and Ellen.  Ellen gives you an expensive gift, and then you go home. FOREVER.

The main 2014 good thing in pop culture was the remake of "Annie."  I couldn't find an exact picture of the NEW "Annie," this was the best I could do.

Happy New Year!  (If you celebrate that!)

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