Everybody can't wait to eat breakfast at Taco Bell!

That waffle taco, man.  All you fatties and otha-type suckas want it.  Michelle Obama is gonna yell at you.

Taco Bell C.E.O. Jose "Stereotype" Guy figured, "Hey, we're missing out on 1/3 of the junk food market.  Let's change that!"

Since "fourthmeal" (TM Taco Bell) wasn't exactly effective in putting MONEY in the POCKETS of RICH JERKS, they have unveiled a new strategy.

Get people to eat Taco Bell in the morning.

It ain't THAT bad of an idea.  I mean, would YOU do it?

Yes, you.

Almost everybody in the world likes food.  But you usually only eat certain foods at certain times.  If you try eating spaghetti for breakfast, they could put you in a mental home (***but only if they FIND OUT.)  If you eat a wedding cake at your work desk, you will be fired.


Where WON'T people eat garbage or get married very very early in the day?  The answer?

Church.

Nobody attends morning church on a weekday.  Reason why?  Ain't no food.

CHANGE that.  Offer food.  and I don't mean free food, I mean the kind you can buy.  Like at the county fair except this would be way different.

Everybody is hungry after church, because of all the guilt and starvation involved.  You can't really eat AT church because it would severely interrupt the proceedings, but imagine walking out and there's a food truck parked RIGHT THERE.  You would eat.  Admit it, fatball. (TM Taco Bell)

Pancakes and spaghetti available as soon as you walk out.  Yum it up, churchy.


I have heard that the New Hip Pope does not make use of his available Popemobile.  He is so hip that he chooses to cruise around in a regular vehicle instead.  That is awesome.

USE that thing, though!  There are taxpayer dollars at stake.  Sell ice cream out of the trunk of the Popemobile after church.  Everybody would buy some, especially if there was a Pope-approved topping bar.

a fake Pope could sit behind the wheel and pretend to be the real Pope, like happens with Santa Claus and Ronald McDonald and also the President sometimes.

(Disclaimer: Not actually any of them.)


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Cadbury creme eggs are in stores already

Who eats that?  Is it like doing a SHOT of FAT?

Don't.

Easter is such a weird holiday.  Nobody ever knows when it is, and then it just happens all of a sudden.  Like a Hanukkah that's for everybody.  (I am KIDDING, do NOT get mad.)

Most junk foods are available in "sizes."  Super-size Snickers.  Family-size bag of pizza Combos.

Others are not.  How come you can't get a 3-foot-long tube of Pringles?

Does anybody eat a gigantic Cadbury creme egg for Easter dessert?  The chocolate shell is pierced and the disgusting innards ooze out all over the place?  Don't CONSUME such a thing.

Is there a family-size Pop Tart?  Imagine dividing it up with forks and knives.  Everybody in the family so eager and hungry.

Hey McDonalds, here's an idea: The BIGGER Mac.

Put some more garbage on there, you JERKS.

(The term "jerks" TM Captain Dan.  I invented it.)


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WTF is with the F-word?

Why are some people still so afraid of this word?  We ain't living in newspaper-and-margarine times no more.  We can say what we want!

I especially mean on television.  Why can't those guys on Big Bang Theory throw some foul language around?  and on the news, sometimes there's a story ABOUT someone using the f-word.  and even then they have to dance around it (not literally) as if everybody doesn't know what it is.  They say "effing" or "f-word" or have "F***" written on the screen.

Hey guess what THAT'S THE SAME AS SAYING IT.  Is there some sort of belief that pronouncing the word itself out loud would damage the lives of children?  They USE that word!  If you don't believe me, try yelling at a kid for walking on your grass.  You'll hear it.  and worse.

Everybody says it.  See?

The worst is when someone on TV says "bleep" or "bleeping."  THAT IS NOT WHAT THAT SOUND IS.  Where did the L come from?

The time has come for the FCC to give in.  I recommend that they concede defeat and officially authorize someone to pronounce the f-word on live broadcast television WITH permission for the very first time.  a good candidate for this landmark feat would be James Earl Jones, in my opinion.  He is well-liked, still currently alive, and is known for speaking very well.  Schedule a 30-second spot, possibly right before the Superbowl, where James Earl Jones smiles into a camera, readies himself, and then simply says...

Millions will be outraged, but billions more will cheer.  Just like all of his movies.

Until then, somewhere in his grave, George Carlin will be crying.

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(New story I wrote) Bob Costas and his Very Bad Day

Poor Bob Costas.  He is missing almost all of the Olympics and also everybody is making fun of him for having an eye infection.  Sucks to be him, at least right now.  Therefore I wrote this story.


Bob Costas and his Very Bad Day
a story by Captain Dan


This was it.  Game 7 of the World Series, and Bob Costas was up to the plate.  2 outs, bottom of the 9th, down by 3, bases loaded.  3 balls, 2 strikes.  It would be all up to him.

Fastball, foul tip.

Costas kicked at the plate nonchalantly, well aware that the world was watching.  "I ain't sweatin' NOTHING," he said to himself, inside his Bob Costas head.

He stared down the pitcher, President Richard Nixon.

President Richard Nixon locked eyes with his catcher.  Bob Costas could not remember who was crouching behind him.  Was it his mother?  Was it his high school gym teacher?

But then wait a minute.  Why is Richard Nixon pitching baseball in the World Series?  and wait, I'm not a baseball player, I'm Bob Costas!  I AM BOB COSTAS.

*brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrringgggggggggggggg*

The sound of the alarm clock awakened (literally) Mr. Costas back to reality.

He quickly recognized that he was not at home in his Sleep Number bed.  He was in Sochi, Russia, and it was time for the Winter Olympics.

Bob Costas gleefully (yes GLEEFULLY) lept out of bed with similar enthusiasm to a child on Hanukkah morning.  Like most professional sports broadcasters, the first thing he wanted to do was pee.  Unfortunately, since it was Russia, the toilet was labelled "DO NOT USE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE!"

So he figured, "Oh well, I'll just pee in the tub drain, all Ozzie Smith style."

Then he looked in the mirror, and recognized that his eye was incorrect.  Very VERY incorrect.

Bob Costas had pink eye.

So like most people would do, he f'ed with it for like an hour.  "Maybe I can fix it, maybe I can hide it, try rubbing some toothpaste directly on my eyeball.  Who knows?"

After awhile, though, he looked at the time on his cellphone and recognized that he was missing out on the hotel's complimentary continental breakfast.

"Shit."

Costas quickly put on his wig, bathrobe, and Chopard Sunglasses (in that order) and raced down to the hotel dining area.  The only things left were a few upside-down Pop Tarts (lemon) and some Lucky Charms with no marshmallows left and stray Cheerios mixed in.

"Sorry Mr. Costas," said the lady.  "But Michael Phelps was just here."

Bob Costas was both irritated and confused.  (Wouldn't you be?)

"Michael Phelps AGAIN?  But this is the WINTER Olympics!"

"Yep."

Extremely furious, Bob Costas stormed back to his hotel room, figuring he could steal a Kudos Granola Snack from the mini-bar.

"If I open it very carefully and smooth out the wrapper all air-bloated and correctly before putting it back nobody will notice what I did!"

But guess what happened?

RIGHT then.

It turned out that bathrobe-and-sunglass-wearing Bob Costas had locked himself out of his hotel room.

AND THEN GUESS WHAT ELSE HAPPENED?

RIGHT then.

The entire Russian hockey team came walking down the hotel hallway.

Russian #1: Oh my goodness Mr. Costas, you have bad night?

Russian #2: Bob Costas inferior American broadcaster cannot get into own hotel room.  This makes Ivan chuckle.

Bob Costas: Ivan... Ivan?  Is it?  Allow me to to tell you the story of Ivan Lendl, the famous Czechoslovakian tennis player that captivated the world by defeating John McEnroe in the 1984 French Open final.

Russian #2: No thanks, Mr. Costas.  Hey, you believe in miracle?

Russian #2 then boots the door to the Bob Costas hotel room open, easily.

Bob Costas: Thanks, guys.  Can I offer you some m&ms or vodka?  My treat.


Later, Bob Costas has to actually go to work.  He is unsuccessful in hailing (HAILING) a cab because Michael Phelps takes the last one right in front of him.  Meredith Vieira pulls up in a chauffeured car.

Meredith: Hey Bob, need a ride?

Bob Costas: How did you get a chauffeured car?  I've been taking cabs.

Meredith: You gotta know people.  Hop in!

He gets in, and is very grateful.

Meredith: What's with the shades?

Bob Costas: Oh I just have a little eye problem, it will NOT affect my WORK.

Meredith: What kind of eye problem?

Bob Costas: Well, do you think this will be noticeable?

Bob Costas takes of his sunglasses to reveal his freak eye.

Meredith: Oh no, that's totally cool.  Hey Igor (the driver), I no longer feel like I can finish eating my Wendy's Apple Pecan Chicken Salad.  Would you like to take the rest of it home to your family?

Igor (the driver): Oh yes many thank-yous Princess Vieira.  Your Wendy's leftovers will feed my starving family for a whole week, you American b-word.


AGAIN later, Bob Costas shows up to broadcast the Olympics.  He bumps into Cris Collinsworth.

Bob Costas: Hey Cris, is this noticeable?

Bob Costas takes off his sunglasses and Cris Collinsworth immediately faints and vomits, in that order.


When it's go-time, Bob Costas is advised to put on some thick-rimmed eyeglasses and make a quick joke about his eye being as red as the Soviet flag.  Because THAT will smooth things over, right?

It does not work.

Bob Costas returns to his hotel room (he did not forget his key this time) and decides to unwind by checking out Twitter.  He is STARTLED by the multitude of tweets concerning his eye.

"Why is my eye TRENDING?  What a bad day."

His immediate defense strategy is to invent a bunch of fake Twitter accounts as damage control.


Bob Costas Fan @CostazRulez
hey peeps stop hating on costas, eye ailment or not he is still the ultim8 professional

Educated Woman @JennyBear69
his eye will heal and then he is gonna look better than ever! you rule, bob!

Amazing Gary @GaryBiAndProud
I agree!


Costas, smug and satisfied, drifts off to sleep.

...and then the dreams come.

It's OPENING DAY and Bob Costas is taking the mound.  Ben Franklin on first base, Run-D.M.C. in left field.

THE END.


Seriously though, why can't they just use computers to fix him?  Like when somebody with tattoos needs to be shirtless in a movie and they use lasers to edit the tattoos out?

I'm no kind of expert on that stuff but I imagine it would look something like this:

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Shirley Temple was ALIVE?

God bless her for passing away peacefully, but millions around the world were shocked to learn that she was still around.  The reason?  No trouble.  Decades and decades of performing good works and not creating any trouble.  Every child star should follow in her footsteps, but unfortunately they will not.  Most children hate being told what to do.  Some specific exceptions have been evading the public eye for a LOT of years, and the time has come to speculate as to what quiet contributions they might make to America's future.

#1 Urkel

Where is he?  and what is he doing?  Shirley Temple was a dignified U.S. Ambassador.  No reason Urkel could not be the same if he applied himself.  He always seemed really smart (I do not know if his glasses are fake or not).  Plus there's gotta be some foreign nation that really likes the TV program "Family Matters."  Kind of like how the French really liked Jerry Lewis (RIP) and how Japanese people like everything.   So I can't exactly tell you what to do, Urkel, but if  I were you I would snoop around for a diplomatic OPPORTUNITY.  You might even accidentally bring about world peace.

"Did I do that???"


#2 Jerry Maguire Kid

I was all set to make fun of this guy but it turns out he actually does go out of his way to do great things for charity in Shirley Temple type fashion.  He is also in really great shape!

#3 Monica Lewinsky

Okay she was not really much of a "child star" since she was disliked by almost everybody and also old enough to be legally whorish but still she was at least intern-age young and has been missing for a long time.  What has she been up to?  It turns out NOT MUCH!  She keeps trying to re-invent herself as some kind of handbag entrepreneur or psychology professor, but it doesn't work.  People can't get far enough past the oral-sex-with-the-President thing to take her seriously.  Go figure.  So what can she ever contribute?  Maybe she could volunteer at an animal shelter.  Dogs and cats don't care what she did.  The animals would appreciate the attention, and she would finally get to feel loved.  Everybody wins!


***cOcKtAiL tImE***

The Shirley Temple

What You'll Need:

- 3 ounces lemon-lime soda
- 3 ounces ginger ale
- Dash grenadine
- Maraschino cherry

Preparation:

1. Pour the lemon-lime soda and ginger ale into a collins glass with ice cubes
2. Add the grenadine
3. Stir
4. Garnish with the cherry

Family Matters Drinking Game

What You'll Need:

- Tape or youtube video of "Family Matters"
- 1 750ml bottle Everclear 190-proof grain alcohol
- 1 lemon, cut into wedges

How To Play:

1. Start playback of tape or youtube video
2. When you see or hear Urkel, squirt lemon wedge directly into eyes
3. Drink Everclear straight from bottle until you can no longer feel pain
4. Repeat as necessary

Monica Lewinsky Novelty Party Drink

What You'll Need:

- 3 ounces store-bought buttermilk
- 1 comedy "dribble glass"

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Curling

a lot of people don't understand curling.  To others, it's an absolute passion.

Curling is a long-beloved relatively unknown sport in which heavy, rounded rocks are spun down a lane of ice in an attempt to land them as close as possible to the center of a target circle.  It's like a combination of bowling and "marbles."  On ice!

Who ever thought up such a thing?  Well, as usual, it was Scotland.  Scottish people invented golf, handball, throwing hammers and other objects, cycling, and also curling.  They get bored easily there, so they are always thinking up sports.  In this case the original idea was to slide river stones across a frozen pond and see who could do it most accurately.  Winner received bragging rights.

"Och!  Braw skelping!  Dinnae greet, eejit."

(That is what Scottish trash-talk sounds like.)


Since then, the game has emigrated to Canada and become much more orderly and civilized.  In fact it is the politest sport on earth.  You aren't even allowed to enjoy winning.  and if you're losing, quitting is considered a point of honor.  You can opt to shake hands with your opponents at any time and concede defeat.  "I concede, this is hopeless."  "Well sir, I assure you, there is great honor in quitting."  "Yeah I don't even know what I was thinkin."  "Your tact and sportsmanship are only exceeded by your lack of skill."  "Thanks."

You are supposed to neither taunt nor celebrate, no matter what happens.  But, in the name of strategy, you are allowed to yell at the members of your own team.  a LOT.

It seems like it's usually game-oriented instruction, but there is also a lot of foreign language being used, especially in international play.  They could be yelling anything.  Would anyone recognize a Swedish curse word?

Curling is the only sport I can think of that incorporates brooms.  I wonder how they learn that part?  It's easy to imagine someone wanting to practice sliding the stones, but how do you find the time to learn how to sweep ice really fast and accurately too?  Those are totally different skills!

Even if you're great at curling you can't exactly do it for a LIVING so sooner or later you are going to have to apply for a job.  Doesn't hurt to have extra talents on your resume, I suppose.

SPECIAL SKILLS:

* Sweeping (including ice)
* Yelling
* Politeness
* Teamwork

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The Winter Games!

Finally the time has come.  The 2014 Winter Olympics are about to get underway.  Everybody in the world is nervously awaiting all the figure skating, medal counts, and potential terrorism.  Get yourself ready to rumble by enjoying this OFFICIAL Olympic preview!

Above you see the 2014 Sochi Olympic mascots.  They are present to make sure all of the guests enjoy the Games to the maximum extent.  If the toilet in your hotel room doesn't flush properly, call or text one of them.  I recommend the bear.

The most exciting U.S. Winter Olympian is Lindsey Vonn.  She will not be competing due to a knee injury.

Everyone is disappointed, but the good news is that she is devoting her extra free time to dating Tiger Woods and steering him away from committing bad immoral sins.  See?  Life really IS fair.

Speaking of people that have it rough, Shaun White has withdrawn  from the new "slopestyle" event because he apparently finds it too dangerous and scary.

He will instead focus on winning another gold medal in the halfpipe, which is of course renowned for being completely sane and safe.  "Slopestyle" has already lost multiple competitors to injury, and it didn't even start yet.  The course is apparently just too dangerous, even by Winter Olympics standards.  So it's sure to be a ratings hit!

...aaand don't act like you don't know what I mean.  You all know what you're thinking during ski jumping and bobsledding.  "Well I don't want to see anybody INJURED but a huge crash or wipeout sure would be a nice change of pace after watching 18 bobsled teams NOT crash in a row!"  Tiny 14-year-old figure skater twirls beautifully in the air and then slips upon landing and bonks her face on the ice.  "OOOH, that must have HURT but look she's OKAY!  Thank God.  Now where's the replay?"

If you for some reason DON'T like carnage there's always speed skating!  Speed skating is the most popular Olympic sport in the Netherlands.  By a wide margin.  Really.  They attend all the speed skating events in tremendous numbers, dressed in traditional Dutch orange, and regard the rest of us as crazy for not recognizing how exciting it is.  "Don't you enjoy COMPARING the TIMES?"  See it's not even a head-to-head race, they have individual starts and finishes.  They skate as fast as they can in circles until they are "done," and then wait for a verdict.  Someone wins by 0.1 seconds, and there's no replay.  "He was 0.1 seconds faster than you a couple minutes ago.  Sorry."

"JE MOEDER!"

India is SUSPENDED from this year's Winter Games due to some sort of rules infraction.  Their athletes are still allowed to compete, but not for India.  Just as Olympians in general.  It is a tremendous controversy, especially IN India, even though they only have 3 Winter Olympians and they all suck.

(More than a billion people and not ONE of them can ice skate?  More to this than meets the eye, I say.  I'll look into it.)

Nobody from North Korea qualified at all.  As usual, they are quite unhappy about this.

Bob Costas has long been an American Olympic fixture.  Everyone enjoys seeing him sit by his fireplace recapping the day's tape-delayed events.  This year, however, he has some sort of weird eye infection.

I suspect terrorism.  The Black Widow fucked with his Visine or something.  Everybody else on the broadcast team better LOOK OUT.  Don't eat those complimentary Rolaids, Matt Lauer, they are poison.  Don't trust international contraceptives, Meredith Vieira, wait until you get home.

Let the Games begin!

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Russia

Russia is the world's largest nation.  It is far from the most populous, however, because much of its surface area is just Canadian-type wasteland.  a lot of people regard Russia as a cold, cruel, and unfun place.  Well those are mostly half-truths.  For the COMPLETE story, keep reading!

Russia used to be the main part of the Soviet Union, the largest and also the bossiest part.  America was on friendly terms with the Soviet Union until just after World War II, when they made the mistake of trying to spread COMMUNISM.  Not too many Americans were sure what communism was, they just knew it was very, very scary.

Hence, the Cold War, which was a war between  the United States and Soviet Union in which there was no actual fighting.  Instead, they decided to have a race.  a SPACE race!

...whiiich was not as cool as it sounds.  No finish line, and they failed to race in unison.  Probably too hard to get something like that organized, with the language barrier and all.  Who "won" the space race?  We did, by planting the American flag on the moon, where it still stands.  Russia has not yet sent a cosmonaut up there to kick it over. 

The Cold War ended when the Soviet Union disbanded in 1991, marking the end of communism, at least for them.  Everyone was tired of waiting in line for bread.  How come they had no food but there was always plenty of vodka?  "Sorry, we're out of sandwiches, but let's all get smashed!"

Sending a monkey into outer space with a flask.  "You're gonna need this."

Russian people like and excel at things that are boring.  Ballet and chess and poetry.  Suits them well as the modern, peace-loving Russia.  But what about before when they were the "bad guys?"  Did they expect Americans to feel inferior and dominated?

"Feeble American pawn structure!  Now experience the wrath of our SOVIET chess pieces."

"Idiot little American girl thinks she can write POEM?  Igor, show her proper iambic pentameter that make her cry."


and speaking of competition, the BIG news in Russia lately is that they get to host the 2014 Winter Olympics!  To ensure that the Games are kept safe, secure, and terror-free, Russian President Vladimir Putin has constructed a massive "Ring of Steel" that encircles the entire Olympic venue.  Man, how welcoming.  I wonder where he got that idea.

(Matryoshka dolls, aka Russian Weebles.  Harmful if swallowed.)


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