God bless her for passing away peacefully, but millions around the world were shocked to learn that she was still around. The reason? No trouble. Decades and decades of performing good works and not creating any trouble. Every child star should follow in her footsteps, but unfortunately they will not. Most children hate being told what to do. Some specific exceptions have been evading the public eye for a LOT of years, and the time has come to speculate as to what quiet contributions they might make to America's future.
#1 Urkel
Where is he? and what is he doing? Shirley Temple was a dignified U.S. Ambassador. No reason Urkel could not be the same if he applied himself. He always seemed really smart (I do not know if his glasses are fake or not). Plus there's gotta be some foreign nation that really likes the TV program "Family Matters." Kind of like how the French really liked Jerry Lewis (RIP) and how Japanese people like everything. So I can't exactly tell you what to do, Urkel, but if I were you I would snoop around for a diplomatic OPPORTUNITY. You might even accidentally bring about world peace.
"Did I do that???"
#2 Jerry Maguire Kid
I was all set to make fun of this guy but it turns out he actually does go out of his way to do great things for charity in Shirley Temple type fashion. He is also in really great shape!
#3 Monica Lewinsky
Okay she was not really much of a "child star" since she was disliked by almost everybody and also old enough to be legally whorish but still she was at least intern-age young and has been missing for a long time. What has she been up to? It turns out NOT MUCH! She keeps trying to re-invent herself as some kind of handbag entrepreneur or psychology professor, but it doesn't work. People can't get far enough past the oral-sex-with-the-President thing to take her seriously. Go figure. So what can she ever contribute? Maybe she could volunteer at an animal shelter. Dogs and cats don't care what she did. The animals would appreciate the attention, and she would finally get to feel loved. Everybody wins!
***cOcKtAiL tImE***
The Shirley Temple
What You'll Need:
- 3 ounces lemon-lime soda
- 3 ounces ginger ale
- Dash grenadine
- Maraschino cherry
Preparation:
1. Pour the lemon-lime soda and ginger ale into a collins glass with ice cubes
2. Add the grenadine
3. Stir
4. Garnish with the cherry
Family Matters Drinking Game
What You'll Need:
- Tape or youtube video of "Family Matters"
- 1 750ml bottle Everclear 190-proof grain alcohol
- 1 lemon, cut into wedges
How To Play:
1. Start playback of tape or youtube video
2. When you see or hear Urkel, squirt lemon wedge directly into eyes
3. Drink Everclear straight from bottle until you can no longer feel pain
4. Repeat as necessary
Monica Lewinsky Novelty Party Drink
What You'll Need:
- 3 ounces store-bought buttermilk
- 1 comedy "dribble glass"
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