The Winter Games!

Finally the time has come.  The 2014 Winter Olympics are about to get underway.  Everybody in the world is nervously awaiting all the figure skating, medal counts, and potential terrorism.  Get yourself ready to rumble by enjoying this OFFICIAL Olympic preview!

Above you see the 2014 Sochi Olympic mascots.  They are present to make sure all of the guests enjoy the Games to the maximum extent.  If the toilet in your hotel room doesn't flush properly, call or text one of them.  I recommend the bear.

The most exciting U.S. Winter Olympian is Lindsey Vonn.  She will not be competing due to a knee injury.

Everyone is disappointed, but the good news is that she is devoting her extra free time to dating Tiger Woods and steering him away from committing bad immoral sins.  See?  Life really IS fair.

Speaking of people that have it rough, Shaun White has withdrawn  from the new "slopestyle" event because he apparently finds it too dangerous and scary.

He will instead focus on winning another gold medal in the halfpipe, which is of course renowned for being completely sane and safe.  "Slopestyle" has already lost multiple competitors to injury, and it didn't even start yet.  The course is apparently just too dangerous, even by Winter Olympics standards.  So it's sure to be a ratings hit!

...aaand don't act like you don't know what I mean.  You all know what you're thinking during ski jumping and bobsledding.  "Well I don't want to see anybody INJURED but a huge crash or wipeout sure would be a nice change of pace after watching 18 bobsled teams NOT crash in a row!"  Tiny 14-year-old figure skater twirls beautifully in the air and then slips upon landing and bonks her face on the ice.  "OOOH, that must have HURT but look she's OKAY!  Thank God.  Now where's the replay?"

If you for some reason DON'T like carnage there's always speed skating!  Speed skating is the most popular Olympic sport in the Netherlands.  By a wide margin.  Really.  They attend all the speed skating events in tremendous numbers, dressed in traditional Dutch orange, and regard the rest of us as crazy for not recognizing how exciting it is.  "Don't you enjoy COMPARING the TIMES?"  See it's not even a head-to-head race, they have individual starts and finishes.  They skate as fast as they can in circles until they are "done," and then wait for a verdict.  Someone wins by 0.1 seconds, and there's no replay.  "He was 0.1 seconds faster than you a couple minutes ago.  Sorry."

"JE MOEDER!"

India is SUSPENDED from this year's Winter Games due to some sort of rules infraction.  Their athletes are still allowed to compete, but not for India.  Just as Olympians in general.  It is a tremendous controversy, especially IN India, even though they only have 3 Winter Olympians and they all suck.

(More than a billion people and not ONE of them can ice skate?  More to this than meets the eye, I say.  I'll look into it.)

Nobody from North Korea qualified at all.  As usual, they are quite unhappy about this.

Bob Costas has long been an American Olympic fixture.  Everyone enjoys seeing him sit by his fireplace recapping the day's tape-delayed events.  This year, however, he has some sort of weird eye infection.

I suspect terrorism.  The Black Widow fucked with his Visine or something.  Everybody else on the broadcast team better LOOK OUT.  Don't eat those complimentary Rolaids, Matt Lauer, they are poison.  Don't trust international contraceptives, Meredith Vieira, wait until you get home.

Let the Games begin!

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