The Butterball Hotline: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted November 22, 2007)

Okay in case any of you fools didn't know, the Butterball Hotline is a toll-free number you can call when you need help cooking your Thanksgiving turkey.  The official name of the service is the Butterball Turkey Talkline, but most people think that is gay-sounding so they like to call it the Butterball Hotline instead.


You call this number if you are having problems like...

- It's time to eat and the turkey is still frozen

- You don't know how to baste

- Missing giblets

You DON'T call this number if you are having problems like...

- a family member has become drunk and belligerent at the dinner table

- Your turkey is still alive and keeps running into the backyard and hiding


More than a quarter of a million Americans call the Butterball Hotline each year.  Canadians are not allowed to call because they have Thanksgiving at the wrong time and also do not pay American taxes.

In fact the hotline has been such a success that I think it's time to build on it.  I have an idea for a new service called the "Stove Top Stuffingline" that people could call for assistance with all of their stuffing-related issues.  If you have ever eaten Thanksgiving dinner at someone's house, I'm sure you have noticed that stuffing is the thing people mess up the most.  The Stove Top Stuffingline would help.

Here is a sample call...

Caller: Hello I am thinking of putting raisins in the stuffing.

Operator: Don't.

See?  Disaster avoided.  Some people don't know that stuffing is made of bread and celery and onions and seasonings.  They think that raisins and nuts and apples and twigs go in there too but they do not.  It is a common mistake.

I called Stove Top with my idea and they didn't seem interested but I am gonna do it anyway.  I just might have to change the name.  I think maybe Stove Top doesn't like the idea of people making their own stuffing, they want you to buy it in the box.  Butterball isn't selfish like that, they don't care where you got your turkey as long as you didn't steal it or trade drugs for it or something.


Happy Thanksgiving to all great Americans!

h o n o r  i n d i a n  t r e a t i e s

If you go shopping tomorrow you deserve to get injured, I hope it happens.

Peace.


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