Welcome to college!

Who among us doesn't have happy memories of college? I suppose people that weren't afforded the opportunity to go, but even for them there are some movies about it. Some of you reading this may JUST NOW be in the midst of your freshman orientation. What an exciting time, everyone is so new and horny. Your orientation guides are there to encourage socialization and fill you in on some of the college basics, but they don't tell you everything! Here is the rest of what you need to know. Read carefully, your parents are paying a lot of money for this.

So if you haven't already, soon you will attend your first FRAT PARTY. Free beer for all. What could be better than that? The catch, somewhat obviously, is that the party is just their sales pitch to get you to join the club. Which ain't free. Unless you're a girl, in which case you are just there to be taken advantage of, but you're probably used to that by now.

It is important to familiarize yourself with the customs of dorm life. For example, you may return from class one afternoon to find that your dorm room no longer has a door. This is no reason to panic. Your door is probably still around somewhere! Duct tape enjoys a prominent presence in the dorm. You may be awakened by your alarm one morning only to find that you have been completely duct taped to your bed and cannot move at all. Meanwhile the alarm is still blaring, waking up everybody else in the dorm. and you have an early test that day. Don't get angry though, it's all in good fun!

Oh yeah there is also CLASS. You get two kinds of professors in college:

1) Professors that DON'T CARE if you show up to class or not
2) Professors that are dicks

The textbooks are very expensive. It's not like high school where they just pass them out. It is for this reason that I would advise you not to buy them. You're just gonna blow off reading them anyway. Save your money and thank me later!

There are LOTS of clubs you can join in college. You might think you are unique in liking something obscure or bizarre. College is the place where you find out that you're not! Do you REALLY like the Rocky Horror Picture Show? Well guess what! Your school just happens to have a Rocky Horror Picture Show Obsession Society! Isn't that GREAT? Sign up to watch, discuss, imitate, and analyze your favorite cult classic! Then what actually happens is you go to a weekly meeting where everybody quarrels over how to best allocate club funds to the Rocky Horror Picture Show Obsession Society's Annual Vegetarian Bar-B-Que and Percussion Jam. Young intellectual minds tend to be pretty passionate about things like that.

Finally you will reach a point freshman year where you will be required to make an important decision. Do I want to join a fraternity or sorority? You never really pictured yourself fitting in with that sort of crowd and are thinking "Me? a Greek?" Well there's an important question you can ask yourself. "Do I want to make lifelong friendships with positive, fun-loving people while also making contributions to both my campus and community?" If your answer is yes, there's an important follow-up question. "Am I okay with at some point being naked with a bunch of other dudes, all of us lapping up a kiddie pool full of beer like dogs? I mean there is youtube now and all."

College is all about choices.