Cereal (Part 1): a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted October 23, 2008)

For many years, children's cereal commercials depicted an unreasonable level of conflict and strife.

Some typical plots:

- The Trix Rabbit pines for a simple bowl of cereal, but little children delight in attempting to starve him to death

- Lucky the Leprechaun plays cruel headgames, trumping up his product as "magically delicious" only to snatch it away at the last second

- Sonny the Cocoa Puffs Bird suffers abuse at the hands of children that take pleasure in the force-feeding of the mentally ill


I think most of this has been stopped by now because the President decided it was teaching kids to do bad stuff.  Kids are supposed to SHARE.  They are not supposed to steal things and pick on animals.

Tony the Tiger used to have a whole family but you never see the rest of them around anymore.  Divorced I guess.  That happens too often with celebrities.  Did all cereal mascots have bad lives?  Captain Crunch seemed like a really good guy, but maybe he secretly had alcoholism.  At least he never let it affect his work.  Frankenberry Monster had a positive attitude, but also diabetes.

Being a cereal pitchman (they're always male) seems like a rough gig, it's such a competitive field.  Kids usually only eat two bowls of cereal per day.  They are pretty discerning when it comes to placing their trust in somebody.  It's almost impossible for a new cereal mascot to make a big impact on the scene.

Here is a list of FAILURES:

- Fruity Yummy Mummy

- Ice Cream Jones

- Officer Krum

- Undercover Bears

- Alpha Bits Wizard

- King Ayummayumma

- Big Yella the Corn Pops Cowboy

- The S'morcerer

- Colonel Corn Burst

- King Vitamin


Probably the most notorious flop ever was "Wally the Bear," who temporarily replaced "Dig 'em the Frog" as the Honey Smacks spokesperson in 1986.  There were many riots in the streets that day and the whole thing ended with a bunch of corporate firings.  (Frogs are tons popular, why doesn't everybody understand that?)

Fruity Pebbles is good but come on do they still need Fred and Barney?  It's 2008, those guys ain't got too much endorsement cred no more.  "If you want to know what's a good cereal, ask the Flintstones!"

"If you're looking for the best-tasting candy bar, check with Popeye."


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