Mail on Saturdays

So the latest chapter in my perpetual scrutiny of the post office centers on this incredibly divisive issue of Saturday mail.

Personally I'm against it.  I do not like it when I'm barbecuing on a Saturday afternoon and a uniformed FEDERAL EMPLOYEE shows up to give me a magazine.  It makes me feel sorry for him, I want to give him a hot dog.

But then in an odd twist, all the mailmen (or "letter carriers," as they prefer to be called even though they do way more stuff) are ANGRY about the potential elimination of Saturday mail.  They want the "hours."

I find that really hypocritical.  What if you got called in on a holiday?  You'd get all mad, and it's the same thing.  Less hours.  I don't see you complaining on Thanksgiving and Easter because your services aren't needed.  You just sit home enjoying the pumpkin pie and egg hunts with the rest of us.

I mean isn't that what Saturdays are all about in the first place?  Saturdays are basically a weekly holiday, you are supposed to have fun unless you are Jewish.

There's never been mail on Sunday.  How come?  What's the difference?  Sundays are whack because you can only relax to a certain degree.  Monday morning is looming (yes LOOMING).  You are supposed to spend your Sunday thinking about the week ahead and also God.

Hey, do Satan-worshippers have special days and times?  Like if you are a Satanist applying for a job at Home Depot are you allowed to say "I can't work Thursdays.  Thursdays are for...him."

Are there Satanic HOLIDAYS?  If so, what is the food like?  Or would I not want to know?  Any Satanists reading this please get back at me.

Here is what I think the devil looks like.

Here is what I think a mailman looks like.

Now they fight.

Click HERE.

The ATM always gives me the right amount of money: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted April 24, 2008)

Anyone that knows me knows that I feel technology will be a big part of our future.  a good first step was inventing an ATM machine that always gives you the exact amount of money it is supposed to.

Most things that we use day-to-day only work properly about 60% of the time.  If you have ever tried to buy a candy bar from a vending machine I'm sure you know what I mean.  Your Kit Kat makes it just to the edge and then gets stuck.  That really wouldn't cut it with an ATM machine.  a $20 bill sticking out only about halfway would be unacceptable.  and you can't shake money out of the ATM, they are too heavy and often attached to buildings.

Idea: ATMs should also spit out candy

In fact I think ATMs might be the most impressive and efficient invention of our time, way better than car alarms, which are not efficient at all.  I hope whoever invented the car alarm got yelled at and then fired.  Nobody that hears a car alarm drops everything to start looking for thieves.  The owner of the car just comes out all nonchalant and turns it off after a few minutes.  In fact why haven't car alarms been officially banned yet?  It is NOISE POLLUTION.

Imagine if you bought an air conditioner that made tons of noise at random times and also did not produce any cold air.  That is essentially a car alarm.

Another invention that never works right is super glue.  Super glue has a warning on the tube that says "WARNING: WILL BOND TO HUMAN SKIN."  They need to add "AND NOTHING ELSE!"

Okay I guess if you wanted to maybe glue two plastic cubes together that had exactly flat surfaces super glue might be good for that.  But those are pretty much the limitations.  You can't glue a broken handle back onto your favorite frying pan, at least not if you ever plan on waving it around or putting anything in it.  You can seal your fingers together but you can't fix a cracked mug.


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Make-up!

Most girls wear make-up.  It requires a lot of DECISIONS.  If you don't wear enough, you are ugly.  If you wear too much, you are a big whore.  In other words, you are expected to put at least a LITTLE make-up on, but don't overdo it or you will be considered obnoxious, like happens with alcohol abuse and also prayer.

Men usually do not wear make-up unless they have certain jobs.

What if you have one of those jobs where you need to put make-up on and are "running late" for work?  Do you just slap it on all shabbily or call in sick?  If you are a clown or the President please get back at me.

Lipstick is very common, but only certain colors are accepted.  Red, mostly.  Some people wear black lipstick, but usually not at work.  How come?  Can you get fired for that?  I've never had a job so I don't know what it's like.  Imagine being called into a meeting because you have black or brown or orange lipstick on.  "You are not a team player!"  "Yes I am, I just don't think red is the best color!"

Does Chapstick count as make-up?  I think no, but will listen to arguments.  It's invisible, but usually comes in flavors.

Nail polish should be flavored.  There are so many colors of it, there might as well be flavors too.  If you bite your nails you should get to taste something.  "Mmmm, WATERMELON!"  Or if you consider biting nails to be abhorrent (ABHORRENT), how about Scratch and Sniff nails?  Pizza and taco fingernails would be great, everyone would enjoy that.

Finally thanks to everyone who submitted a picture to our "Too Much Make-Up" photo contest.  I strongly suspect that some of you cheated and submitted photos of people that are not actually you, but since I failed to think of that ahead of time and am also extremely wealthy, I will award the cash prizes anyway.

Click HERE.

Why do celebrities always want to date each other: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted April 17, 2008)

It never works out, don't they see this?  If you are a celebrity you can do whatever you want but you are going to be very busy ALL THE TIME.  That is not conducive to a good relationship.  Even Burt Reynolds and Loni Anderson had troubles.  I can imagine they had many bad arguments.

"Aren't you coming to the Cannonball Run premiere?"

"Sorry the cast of WKRP is getting together for a pot-luck."

"I HATE YOU!"

"SCREW OFF!"

"GO TO HELLLLLLLLLLLLLL!"

*slams phone down*

I guess famous people figure they will have a lot in common.  You need to have things to talk about on a first date.

"So, uh, don't you hate people bugging you for autographs?"

"Yeah I hate that and I also hate having to be on six talk shows on the same day."

"Me too, that is the worst.  Wow it's like we were made for each other."

"I agree.  I think we should do it and then get married."

"Good idea."

That is NOT a good way to start a relationship!  Celebrities are always saying "I'm really just a regular person" and if that's the case I think they should use E-harmony.  E-harmony would help them find TRUE romance just like all those fatties and baldies in the commercials.

Also people that meet using E-harmony very rarely end up in the tabloids.  Bad people like Hugh Grant and Charlie Sheen make front page news by patronizing prostitutes, but you'll never see "Bill Murray looked up his E-harmony matches for free!" on the cover of a magazine.  (E-harmony is PRIVATE.)

So any celebrities that are reading this, take my advice and use E-harmony.  I think you have to pay them after you meet somebody but if you are famous you can probably afford it.  Oh also don't do it if you are already married currently, they really frown on that.


Click HERE.

Ant farms

What child wouldn't love his very own ant farm?  Probably all of the children that own or want video games, but part of being a parent is giving children presents that they hate sometimes.  This is done "for their own good."

an ant farm does not come with the ants included, for obvious reasons.  Ants only usually live up to six months.  The shelf life of the ant farm itself is much longer.  Ant farms may go unwanted for years.  They aren't too eye-catching when they're uninhabited.  If you ever buy one for somebody, I recommend waiting for the ants to arrive in the mail (you get a free mail-in ant coupon with your purchase) and already having them in place before you give it to them.  Much more impressive.  If you're going to wrap it for Christmas or whatever, be sure not to cover the air holes!

Which brings me to the topic of DEATH.  Since ants don't live very long, how do you get the dead bodies OUT?  Apparently the live ants will carry the dead to the surface, and then there's a special tool for extracting them.  But what if your ants turn out to be jerks that don't do what they're supposed to?  What if they just leave a bunch of dead bodies strewn about the colony?  You can't "open" the ant farm, all the ants would escape.  Yelling at them about it would not work.  They're ants, they're gonna do whatever they want.

and what if too many ants die within a short span and the dead quickly begin to outnumber the living?  I know that ants are STRONG but carrying out all those bodies seems like it could get overwhelming.  Also psychologically devastating.  Two ants are working to get the dead body of a friend to the surface...

"Hey Mel, we're almost there!  Just a few inches to go and Larry will be on his way to Ant Heaven.  Just a little further, Mel...

"Uhhh, Mel?  Why aren't you moving?

"Mel?"

"MEL!?!

"Shit."


The first commercially-sold ant farm was patented in 1931 by Dr. Frank Austin, a kindly old professor at Dartmouth College who really liked ants.  Like most things originally invented by a well-meaning older gentleman, the ant farm quickly fell into the hands of a heartless millionaire.  Milton Levine, the co-founder of "Uncle Milton's Toys," somehow wound up trademarking the term "ant farm" and has since been credited as its inventor.  Details of how this happened are sketchy, but I hope Dr. Frank didn't get roughed up or anything.

He's dead now, but Uncle Milton's still-alive lawyers are so protective of the term "ant farm" that if you try to use it without permission they will SUE YOU.  If it's not an official Uncle Milton Ant Farm (TM) they insist that you call it a "formicarium."  Or else.  It's kind of like those greedy people that own the rights to the song "Happy Birthday" and will file a lawsuit if you if you sing it on television without paying royalties.  The Uncle Milton Toy company wants you to give them money for being able to SAY "ant farm."

I am not afraid of them.  I am not gonna say "formicarium," I am gonna say "ant farm."

Ant farm, ant farm, ant farm.  There.

Also,
Happy Birthday To You  (if it is)

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If you work at Denny's how do you not kill somebody: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted April 9, 2008)

I have been to said establishment many times and it seems they attract four principal types of clientele:

1) Old people

2) Impolite people

3) People expecting a $4 breakfast to be of gourmet quality

4) Cheapskates


In fact many of the patrons can be grouped in several if not all of these categories.  Like a belligerent old man insisting that his eggs were "not yellow enough" or something, and therefore he should not have to pay.  In watching this sort of scenario play out I have come to sympathize with the Denny’s waitstaff.  They are clearly not allowed to stand up for themselves.  They never throw coffee or pennies in the old man’s face and yell "GET THE FUCK OUT THEN!" even though I’m sure that’s what they want to do.  The reason?  They would get FIRED!  Denny’s management does not care about justice, they are all about the Benjamins.  You see old people have lots of money from pensions and the war and stuff, and Denny’s likes to extract it from them in daily $4 increments.

Another unfair thing is that if another customer tries to step in, say by yelling "SHUT-UP YOU CRAPPY OLD FOOL!" from another table, suddenly he or she becomes the bad guy!  The management will kick you out and/or have you ARRESTED, especially if there is pushing and shoving or weapons involved.  They don’t want anybody rocking the boat.

We are long overdue for a backlash against these elderly mofos.  Therefore I have decided to form a new human rights organization known as the Customer Intervention Alliance, or CIA for short.  Just like the other CIA we will soon be everywhere.  Right now there are only two members though, me and Jim.

Here’s how it works.  When you are at Denny’s or some other bad restaurant and you see someone getting cantankerous with the waitstaff, you give the secret CIA signal, which is a fist raised in solidarity.  If you look around and see that the club has good representation, it is time to make your move.  All the CIA members get up and confront the douchebag customer, saying things like "You better cool it old-timer!" and whatnot.  Outnumbered, he will undoubtedly surrender and be made to apologize to the waitress and everyone.  The management will surely not interfere when it sees how great the CIA numbers are.  (I mean what are they gonna do, kick EVERYBODY out?  They’d go out of business.)

I imagine the first step in getting this thing off the ground will be to print membership cards.  Unfortunately I do not know how to do that but I am looking into it.  Meanwhile don’t tell my idea to anyone you don’t trust. If Denny’s finds out they will try to undermine the whole thing.


Click HERE.

Why are basketball coaches such hotheads?

I don't really follow basketball but sometimes there are basketball stories that make the mainstream news and it's almost always a case where a basketball coach got in trouble for slapping, choking, throwing chairs, kicking people in the butt, screaming obscenities, biting, or straight-up fistfighting.  and these incidents are almost always basketball-RELATED and the coach in question is SOBER.  It's not like other sports where the coaches get caught doing bad stuff in their leisure time, this is happening ON THE JOB.

Maybe there's something I'm missing, but basketball seems like a fairly peaceful sport.  You're barely allowed to touch somebody or else it's a "foul."  There's no permitted hitting or fighting like in hockey, and there aren't crazy unfair replay review calls like in the NFL.  So what the hell are they getting so upset about?

a basketball coach is really just a gym teacher that got promoted, if you think about it.  Gym teachers get mad a lot, I guess because they are not good at most other jobs.  Nobody wants to grow up to be a gym teacher.  Even if you are really, REALLY good at "teaching" gym, the nicest thing a student is ever going to say to you is "You are the best gym teacher I have ever had.  Someday I hope *I* can be as good a teacher as you, except the real kind.  Thanks!"

Losing your temper easily must be the key to getting promoted out of having to teach gym.  What other part of the job can you excel at?  You're not PLAYING.  Your kids aren't competing against kids from OTHER gym classes.  You're the only person there that has no chance of "winning" anything.  You can only say stuff and watch.

Gym teachers rarely get VIOLENT though, because they have a whistle.  They blow the whistle whenever they don't like something.  It's a safe release.

*FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE* "NO SHOVING!"

*FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE* "I COULD HAVE DONE THAT BETTER THAN YOU BUT I'M NOT ALLOWED TO PLAY."

a basketball coach doesn't get to have a whistle during the game.  Only the referees do.  Therefore they HATE the referees.  All high and mighty and getting to decide things.

Referee: *FWEEEEEEE* "Travelling."

Coach: "THAT WAS *NOT* TRAVELLING!  DO YOU NEED *GLASSES*?  IF I HAD A WHISTLE I WOULD BLOW IT AT YOU!"

Referee: "Sorry coach, it was travelling.  and by the way..."  *fwee*


So then the powerless coach goes to practice the next day all furious and chokes a kid, I guess.

(He also brings a whistle to practice, because he can.)


Click HERE.

Jared update: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted April 2, 2008)

After weeks of tireless research I have found at least partial answers to most of my questions about Jared.


Q: Is Jared wealthy?

A: I can hereby confirm that Jared does in fact cruise around in a stretch limousine.  This does not necessarily mean that he is WEALTHY, but while actively representing the Subway corporation he definitely lives large.

Q: Does he get lots of ladies?

A: It turns out Jared is MARRIED.  I do not know if he cheats on his wife or not (a lot of famous people do) but he has been married for over six years.  His wife is a nurse, which makes sense since Jared is such a health nut.

Q: Is he still on that same diet?

A: No he is not but he still eats Subway several times a week.  He gets to eat for free because he is Jared.

Q: What is Jared's favorite Subway menu item?

A: Sources have confirmed that Jared was eating tons of steak hoagies with extra cheese prior to starting his diet.  So that's how he got so big, if you were wondering.

Bonus Q: What was the breakfast portion of Jared's Subway diet?

Bonus A: Coffee.  Not too healthy there Jared but I guess it worked.  (Has he ever heard of fruit?)


Also I previously suggested that there should be a book about Jared, and it turns out that such a thing exists!  Jared penned "Winning Through Losing: 13 Lessons For Turning Your Life Around" in 2006.  So apparently Jared did 12 other really bad things in addition to letting himself get humongously obese.  I can't wait to find out what they were.  Did he steal something?  Was he ever in JAIL?  I've got my trusty library card in hand, and will soon gain access to the chamber of his darkest secrets.


Click HERE.