Who in hell prefers butterscotch?

It's okay to LIKE butterscotch in general but who ever picks that for their ice cream sundae?  With ice cream, and a lot of other desserts, you get two main choices.  Chocolate or strawberry.  I cannot fathom (yes FATHOM) somebody going up to a Mister Softee truck and requesting a butterscotch sundae.  Does that ACTUALLY EVER HAPPEN?

Ooh, these were neat.  Remember those little ice cream cups with the wooden spoon?

Right there, two options.  Chocolate or strawberry.  You pick one or the other.  There's no butterscotch option.  You know why?  It's because if you gave a little kid a little plastic tub of ice cream with butterscotch syrup infused he would START CRYING and THROW IT IN THE GARBAGE.

It's okay to experiment with other flavors once in awhile, I GUESS.  "Oh what the hey, I guess I'll order a PINEAPPLE sundae today!"  Go right ahead, fool.  Afterwards you're gonna be like "Why the hell didn't I just get something sane like chocolate?  Or maybe strawberry?  That's good too.  I somehow forgot that those were the best kinds."

Ice cream in general is weird like that.  31 Flavors?  THAT'S TOO MANY.  and a lot of them don't make any sense.  Mint chocolate chip makes sense.  LEMON does not.  Why is it even made?  If you ever ordered lemon ice cream in your life you were just trying too hard to be "different."  You are not different.  You are the same.  Eat a hot fudge sundae like a normal person and SHUT-UP.

Neapolitan ice cream is the most sensible dessert of all time.

(That's a difficult word to spell, btw.  Napoleon Bonaparte confused me so I had to spellcheck.)

Notice how right they got it.  Vanilla is there to keep chocolate and strawberry at peace.  You can take any of the three as its own thing, or just get all insane and scoop right across the middle.  They are all good flavors, so everything works out.  You can't actually get an ideal scoop such as depicted on the carton, however, and I will therefore now be suing the Breyers company for false advertising.

Anyway, notice what's NOT in there?  a big section of BUTTERSCOTCH.  Because that would be disgusting, and any idiot would know that.

Even him.

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Identity theft: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted June 25, 2008)

Okay most people right now are very worried about other people trying to steal their identities.  It is a big problem caused by too many computers.  I know a few things about identity theft and have compiled some answers to these frequently asked questions.


Q: What will happen to me if my identity is stolen?

A: The criminals will buy stuff and make you pay for it and possibly send out annoying spam e-mails from your internet account that people will think were actually from you.


Q: What action should I take upon having my identity stolen?

A: Unplug your computer and call the bank.  If the person at the bank asks "Oh YEAH, how do I know this is really YOU?" just outsmart them by asking "Well how do I know THIS is really YOU?"


Q: Is there any legal penalty for debts incurred via identity theft?

A: I have heard that identity theft victims can be forced to dress up like pirates in a restaurant.  I do not know why they are made to do so.  Perhaps it is because most pirates were bad thieves and the government wants to use pirate imagery to keep the public informed about identity theft.


Q: I lost my nametag from work.  Are there any potential ramifications?

A: a work nametag is not a legal form of identification and therefore cannot be used to steal your identity.  Your supervisor can most likely supply you with a replacement nametag, but depending on where you work it may be at your own personal expense.


Q: What effect, if any, will human cloning have on the identity theft crisis?

A: Once human cloning begins we will have tons more important things to worry about than identity theft, such as evil clone armies and all the clones trying to get it on with each other's wives.


Q: Can animals be victims of identity theft?

A: Sometimes there will be a mix-up when two dogs or cows or sheep look almost exactly alike, but such misunderstandings are rare and do not really count as full-fledged identity theft.


Hopefully that clears things up for the most part.  If you have any more questions about identity theft you can try looking for answers in magazines.


Click HERE.

"Jesus Plays the Saxophone" Hymns (Part 2 of 2)

Okay after several sleepless nights, I recognized that even Jesus himself had failings.  That time when he flipped out at the temple, for example.

So even though you hear a lot of hymns and other songs at CHURCH, it occurred to me that you never really hear Jesus himself singing or playing musical instruments.  Therefore I officially theorize that he was bad at that.  So here it is!  My first ever HYMN.


"Jesus Plays the Saxophone"
(Written By Captain Dan)


He turned water into wine
Made mountains out of sand
But our Savior couldn't cut it
In the school marching band

a carpenter by trade
He was skilled with a blade
But when he picked up a horn
a demonic sound it made

Let he who has not SINNED
Cast the very first STONE
But plug your EARS
When Jesus plays the saxophone

One, two, three, HIT IT!

(Then there's this part where somebody plays a saxophone solo real off-key to show that Jesus was bad at exactly one thing.)


NEXT VERSE!

Jesus ain't PERFECT
But nobody is BETTER
When he tries to write a song
He ain't no Eddie Vedder

(Writing songs is hard, so shut-up.)

Jesus tried HARD
But he blew real BAD
Our Shepherd's chord structure
Made Pontius Pilate MAD

Let he who has not SINNED
Cast that dang darn STONE
But Lord have MERCY
When Jesus plays the saxophone

Three, six, teen, GO!

(More bad sax playing as it fades. The end.)


Hopefully this song will make a lot of money someday, and if it does, I would like some.


Click HERE.

Hymns (Part 1 of 2)

As a prolific songwriter I have written a lot of raps and jugband music and other things but one thing I have not yet written is a religious hymn.

Singing has always been an important part of church.  Most churches have a pipe organ to sing along to.  Some even have a guitar and drums, which is okay as long as you don't get too wild.

I remember church songs being pretty enjoyable to sing so that's why I want to write one.  But what qualifies as a "hymn?"  It seems like the lyricist is expected to really stick to the point.  It's not like pop music.  Your hymn cannot secretly be about drugs or masturbating.  It has to be real basic like...

gOd iS bEaUtIfUl

gOd iS gReAt

tHaNk yOu gOd

fOr tHe fOoD wE aTe

(That's a special after-dinner hymn I wrote TODAY.  Feel free to use it.)


Certain metaphors are allowed, but almost always the same ones.  Sheep and shepherds and flocks.  Why always sheep?  Why can't the Lord herd goats sometimes?  There is nothing sinful about goats.  Or how about Jesus as a zookeeper?

aLL tHe lOrD's cHiLdReN

aRe mOnKeYs aNd bEaRs

sAfE iN oUr cAgE

wHiLe tHe oUtSiDeRs sTaRe

(The "outsiders" are those that have not yet accepted Him.  See?  That's metaphor.)


Anyway I feel both of the above songs are good but not good ENOUGH.  The church deserves better.  I am going to spend the next week in asylum working on a top-notch hymn.  Any priests or other religious leaders that are reading this and wish to offer their blessings please e-mail me.  If it's too many of you I can't promise to write back, though, I'll be pretty busy.

Click HERE.

The Playground: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted June 12, 2008)

Well it's summertime folks and that means school is out and all the kids will be heading to the playground for some great summertime fun.  Of course playgrounds are not what they used to be.  Everything is made of brightly colored plastic and all the kids have parents with them.  It's almost impossible to hurt yourself there.

It was a much different environment when I was a kid.  The playgrounds I went to were built with splintered wood and steel chain and housed a nice variety of deathtraps and torture implements.  Parents would send you there to get rid of you until it was time to eat.

There was no grass, everything was built on concrete.  Twelve-foot-high monkeybars with blood stains on the ground underneath.  How fun was the merry-go-round?  a bunch of little kids would get on and then some big kid would come over and start spinning it 100 miles an hour until they all lost their grip and flew off.  The see-saw was just begging for trouble.  It was so easy to just roll off to the side while the other kid was trapped high up in the air.  Or just wait for somebody to try to get on and then yank the high end down real quick.  *BONK*

That long metal slide would heat up to like 8000 degrees on a sunny day.  Everybody's legs would stick to it and the skin would burn off.  Or if it wasn't a sunny day you would have a nice easy ride down and land in mud.  Then limp home all dirty and eat a baloney sandwich.  Good times.

Why do they even TRY to make playgrounds safe?  It's not like kids won't find a way to hurt themselves.  They can use anything, like a bench.  Get six kids near a park bench and one will say, "Come on, let's jump over that BENCH!"

"The long way, crotch-first.  Everybody get in line."


Click HERE.

Yard Sale Announcement!

A-HA!  The announcement is that we will NEVER have one, nor (yes NOR) will we ever.

Big Q: Why do people have yard sales?

Nobody knows.  There is almost never anything good to buy.  If you have a chair or lawnmower or some kind of combination of that somebody MIGHT want to buy it.  In those cases, there is at least some kind of NEGOTIATION.

But instead it's like "Used headband, 50 cents."  Don't buy that!  Nobody NEEDS such a thing. 

and then, there is always this person appointed to prevent theft.  Usually a little girl sitting in a CHAIR that is expected to prevent you from shoplifting a Huey Lewis cassette tape.

What happens at the end of a yard sale?  Do you take the unsold stuff right back into the house, or maybe move it like exactly TWO FEET right to the curb so that SOMEBODY will take it away?

and then there's this other thing where a person wants to sell a car or boat so he puts a cardboard sign on it that says "4 SALE."  It's a car or boat or tractor that usually costs THOUSANDS of dollars.  HEY man (it's always a man) maybe pay like ten bucks for a decent sign?

Never have a yard sale, is my point.  Either give stuff to charity or burn it.  Almost nobody likes crap.

Click HERE.

Kite flying in the 21st century

You don't see this too much anymore.  What happened to all the kite enthusiasts?  Tired of being made fun of?  Is there some private underground kite-loving society that I'm not aware of?  I hope not, they can't do it there.

It's no secret that most children these days are overweight.  They don't seem too interested in kites.  They like television and ice cream sandwiches.  Try asking your child if he or she would like to build and subsequently fly a kite.  You'll probably get one of three responses.

1) "What's a kite?"

2) "You mean for FREE?"

3) "Dad, why are you so gay?"


(Here is an example of a child.)

So as usual, forget about kids.  They ain't no help.

*CONVERSELY*

Adults both young and old are always out there DOING things.  Golf!  Swimming!  Hiking!  Rock climbing!  Hunting!  Fishing!  Parading!

So how come no KITING?

I think it's because you can't really WIN at kiting.  If you are an active, healthy adult, you want to COMPETE.  Golfers keep a rigid score card to track their progress.  Hunters aren't just out there for the fresh air, they want to wind up shooting SOME kind of animal, person, or thing.  Surfboarders try to not fall in.  Marathon runners want to finish the race.  Amateur helicopter pilots are determined to somehow survive.

But what's the goal when you fly a kite?  "It was up there for AWHILE.  Pretty good I guess."  You can't measure how high it goes.  There's no calculable degree of EFFICIENCY.  You just want to see it looking good in the air.  It's sort of like watching a beautiful sunset, very peaceful.  Except you're not rooting for your kite to disappear beyond the horizon.  Imagine if it did, though, whoa.  What a long string.  If someone ever pulls that off I will declare that person the "winner" of kite flying.

Click HERE.