Brett Favre: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted July 29, 2008)

It's no secret that Brett Favre is making all kinds of problems lately!  Everyone is mad at him.

Here is a list of bad stuff he did so far:

1) He wrecked everybody's plans by coming out of retirement.

2) He revealed things the Packers told him that were supposed to be secrets.

3) He made illegal phone calls to other teams.

4) Whenever another team acts like they actually WANT him to play for them he says no and tells them their team is crap.


How are they going to fix this?!!  I know some of you internet dorks out there are not too into sports so to help you understand the circumstances I am working on some fan fiction in which a similar situation occurs on "Saved By the Bell."  It's not quite finished yet but here is a quick summary:

Okay in this story Mr. Belding is acting like Brett Favre, and Aaron Rodgers is represented by Screech.  Mr. Belding had a really good year as principal and decided to retire on a high note.  All the kids threw him a big going away party at which he made a teary-eyed farewell speech.  Then he left, and Screech was made new principal.  Screech spent all summer working hard to learn how to be a good principal, but then a week before classes were going to start Mr. Belding came back to the school out of nowhere and said, "Well since you guys like me so much, I guess I'll come back!"

So then there's some dialogue where the kids tell Mr. Belding, "Well you WERE a great principal and all but you said you wanted to retire and we already had the party so fair is fair now GET OUT!"  and then Mr. Belding is all like "Yeah but let's be honest, Screech as principal is going to completely suck."

Good arguments on both sides.  So what is the resolution?

On "Saved By the Bell" they would probably settle it with an ultimate principal obstacle course.  After a hard-fought race, Mr. Belding would eventually let Screech win, reasoning that a good principal always wants to help a student succeed.  Screech, upon realizing what Mr. Belding had done, would then decide to step down.  That way Mr. Belding could carry on as principal and other students would be able to benefit from his selflessness just as Screech had.

Pretty good story, eh?  Maybe the Packers can do something like that at training camp.  They already have obstacles and stuff.


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Lions and Tigers

Everybody secretly wants to see a lion and a tiger fight.  Who would win?  We will never know.  Nobody would ever be allowed to be so cruel to animals, not even Siegfried and Roy.

Many sports teams are named after lions and tigers.  I suppose because they are all fierce and menacing.  They are beautiful-LOOKING animals though, so people never think to be actively afraid of them.  It's the opposite with spiders and most snakes.  They are harmless, but everybody freaks out when a snake or a spider somehow gets in a room.  "AHHHHHHH!  GET IT OUT OF HERE!"  Imagine if it was a tiger instead.  That might SOUND more charming, but the results would be way worse.

The animal that I am most terrified of is the pelican.

What could be more creepy than a pelican?  I mean LOOK at that thing.   But now there is actually going to be an NBA franchise called the "New Orleans Pelicans" and I have to admit that I have this morbid fascination with them and would like them to become the greatest basketball team of all time.

Why do I feel this way?  I guess it's like when a kid is obsessed with Dracula, but if Dracula ever actually SHOWED UP at the kid's HOUSE, he or she would be PRETTY UNHAPPY.

(Oh wow, imagine Dracula and a pelican invading a kid's treehouse at the SAME TIME.)

I think that there should be a baseball team called "The Draculas."  NOT "The Vampires."  Vampires have now been ruined forever by emo and goth people and also girls.  But imagine a team called "The Draculas."  So many potential "bat" jokes.

Here are some important Lions:

Here are some important Tigers:

Here is Dracula:

Click HERE.

Peanut butter and jelly = BAD COMBINATION: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted July 23, 2008)

Why do so many people like peanut butter and jelly?  It's like something pregnant women would ask for when they get those maniac cravings. 
 
According to my researchers the peanut butter and jelly sandwich was invented out of desperation by soldiers during World War 2.  You see when you are at war, sometimes supplies run low and you have to stoop to eating some terrible things.  I think I read that George Washington had to eat oatmeal with no brown sugar on it during his winter at Valley Forge.

But those were harsh circumstances.  There is no reason for people today to still eat peanut butter and jelly.  Oh except one.  People are LAZY.

What could be easier than smearing some peanut butter on one slice of bread and smearing some jelly on another and then mashing them together and shoving them into your mouth?  At one time that would have been a rhetorical question, but NOT ANYMORE.  I'm sure most people by now have seen the peanut butter and jelly in the same bottle.  an easy-squeeze bottle, no less.  I can see where a select group of people might need such a product.  Like if you're blind or a certain type of amputee.  It's hard to see what you're doing when you're blind, and you can't spread things on bread too well without the correct number of hands.  But anybody that's just too lazy to get out a jar and a knife deserves to get hit by a car.  I'm surprised the actual squeezing of the bottle isn't too much of a chore for you.

OH BUT WAIT MAYBE IT IS because Smuckers introduced a sealed, crustless, pre-made peanut butter and jelly sandwich several years ago.  The sandwiches are marketed as "Uncrustables" and are very popular amongst children with bad parents.  Sales reached about $100 million last year.

This is all very terrible and the laziness needs to stop.  Every American deserves three square meals per day.  It's one of the perks of living here, just like in prison.  There are probably pots and pans in your kitchen, why don't you make something with them?  If you don't know how, watch Rachael Ray and she will show you how to do it.


Click HERE.

Redheads

It's kind of rare to be a natural redhead.  Such a blessing, you would think there'd be more arrogance over it.  "I'm the CHOSEN one.  If you don't believe me, look at my pubes."

Yet most redheads seem pretty calm and humble.  The main exception is Archie.

Archie struts around like he knows he's just the coolest shit.  Jughead needs a crown to feel good about himself, Archie is confident just naturally.

I think that Archie from Archie Comics and Archie Bunker from "All in the Family" should meet.  Would they get along?  Archie Bunker would probably come up with some fake reason to keep being racist, knowing him.  "You damn red-headed...PERSON."

Those were the days.

Speaking of bigotry, a lot of redheads have freckles, and while I have heard people specify that they LIKE freckles, I swear I have NEVER EVER heard of even ONE person hating them.  EVER, and that includes Hitler and Archie Bunker and everybody else.  If there actually IS some freckle-hating person out there SOMEWHERE, please e-mail me and explain WHY.  I'm not paying you any money, though.

Where did this term "ginger" come from?  ARE there people that are hostile towards redheads and feel the need to call them names?  To me a "ginger" should be a slur towards a lady that thinks she's all hot and important, but in reality isn't as attractive as the cute girl standing next to her.  The term would be based on Gilligan's Island.  EVERYBODY liked Mary Anne better.  So if, for example, your girlfriend was feeling mad because you texted some bimbo hootch, you could say "She's nothing, she's just a ginger. YOU are a MARY ANNE."

Then she would get all teary-eyed and hug you and you would be set for at least awhile.

Anyhoo, what's with this stereotype of redheaded stepchildren receiving horrible beatings all the time?  I don't like it!  It'll probably never happen, but it would be a nice story if a pro boxer was a redhead AND a stepchild and then became world champion and beat up a lot of people, too.

Click HERE.

At the Italian restaurant: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted July 15, 2008)

We went out to a moderately-priced Italian restaurant (not Olive Garden) and there were some problems.  First of all I was the best-dressed guy in the place, which is always a bad sign.  I don't always have the best fashion sense but I at least know that if you're out somewhere eating pasta you should not be wearing flip-flops.  Save that for the home.  Also I think a school for kids with A.D.D. was there on a field trip or something because they were everywhere.

NOW LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED.

When you go out to eat the waitress will always tell you about the soup of the day, and on this day she said it was seafood chowder.  I declared that I would eat some of that and she immediately started backtracking, like, "Well, uh, we might be out."  She said that she would have to check, and if they were in fact out she wanted to know if I would like the minestrone instead.  So I said "yeah, fine" because I am an easy-going cat like that.

So of course two seconds later she comes back with the minestrone all, "Yeah, we were out.  Sorry."  Not that big a deal.  But then five minutes later another waitress was mentioning the soups to some people at the next table and she was still pitching the seafood chowder.  I guess maybe no one had told her they were out of it.

THEN AGAIN, WAIT A MINUTE!

I began to realize how I had screwed myself.  The waitress hadn't initially told me that they were out of seafood chowder, she said that they MIGHT be out of seafood chowder, and IF that was the case she asked if I would take the minestrone instead.  So of course what I had not realized was that there were two pots of soup in the back, a 3/4 empty pot of the popular seafood chowder and a completely full pot of their ghetto minestrone.  So somebody in the kitchen decided "We gotta move this minestrone!" and instructed the staff to find some poor rubes that could be tricked into eating it.

Now how could I prove that there was still some seafood chowder back there?  You can't rush into the kitchen and start looking in the pots all like "A-HA!" when you are out at a restaurant, you might get arrested.  So instead I thought about spying on people to see if anybody was still being served the chowder, but I couldn't decide what I would do if I caught someone.  "Hey how did that person get chowder?"  "Oh, they ordered it way before."

Anyway then the real food came and soup was immediately relegated to an afterthought.  It was a radical shift in priorities, like if two kids were fighting over a whistle and then Santa Claus showed up and started passing out $50 bills.  One minute I was thinking of resorting to espionage to verify that a pot of soup in a bad Italian kitchen was not quite empty, and then suddenly my whole world became about rationing the dipping sauces for my combo platter.  (I'm big on dipping sauces if you didn't know.)

Is that what A.D.D. is like?  Something must be wrong with me at any rate because I should not be feeling like the victim of a crime or conspiracy every time I go to a family restaurant.  Nothing like that ever happens at Applebee's.


Click HERE.

See? I KNEW the Twinkies thing was a scam all along

I don't like to throw the term "retarded" around loosely but if you really thought you could never have Twinkies ever again you are retarded.

"Processed" foods (is that the correct term?) receive a lot of criticism but there really is some magically delicious combination of poisonous ingredients.  What kid hasn't fantasized about a marshmallow-ONLY cereal?  As opposed to the Rice Krispies kind with the tiny ones.  Tiny food usually sucks.  Pizza rolls are great but nobody would like MINI pizza rolls.  There would just not be enough there, man.  See what I mean?


Homestyle macaroni and cheese is really good, but some people INSIST that Kraft is better.  What the hell is actually in that cheese powder?   Some person, a HUMAN, decided at some point exactly what chemicals would be put in there.  Who got to do that?  Was there a big MEETING?  "I think that children would prefer macaroni and cheese that's more orange-y."  "Brilliant idea!  Here's a yacht."

(Then the guy that invented Kraft Macaroni and Cheese shot himself while on his yacht.  That isn't factual, it's just a little story I made up inside my head.)


Kraft Macaroni and Cheese has never had any sort of spokesperson.  How come?  Isn't Wilford Brimley bored with oatmeal and diabetes by now?  What's he got to lose?

"EAT this!  Nobody cares anymore."


Imagine if some fake version of the Chef Boyardee guy turned on the Chef Boyardee brand itself in favor of Kraft Mac and Cheese or Twinkies.  Like a Superbowl ad in which he dumps a big pot of Beefaroni right in the garbage and then immediately eats a Twinkie, camera all close-up.  There would be a huge lawsuit I GUESS, but every brand involved would get publicity.  I think that's what "collusion" is, but I'm not certain about that because I did not pay enough attention in school including college.

 Click HERE.
 

We need more Batman movies: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted July 8, 2008)

One a year is not enough.  There should be 50.  (I'm being SARCASTIC if you can't tell!)

Why do they keep making movies about Batman?  They're all the same, I don't care what anybody says.  "This one explains how Batman became Batman."  "This one has Robin in it now."  "This one explains how Batman REALLY became Batman, not like that other one."  "This one explains why Batman likes bats."  Man, shut-up.  When you make a movie you are supposed to get it right the first time, like when you build a bridge or do plastic surgery on somebody.  That's why you get paid so much.

and why are so many people still going to the movies anyway?  It's 2008, we have youtube now.  Are you that BORED?  So bored that you would pay $9 to sit with a bunch of strangers to see Mike Myers and the shenanigans of his little midget friend?

Going to the movies takes like five hours.  The movie runs for about two and a half, plus you have to see like 18 previews first, plus read the stupid trivia bits about Tootsie, plus get there early because you're so BORED in the first place, plus the drive, plus parking, plus the 20 minutes it takes to get out of the theater because everybody forgets how to walk during the course of the film.  Five hours, and you don't even like the movies half the time.  "Wow, Crocodile Dundee Goes to Mars seemed like it would be great.  I wonder why it was bad?"

and then the food thing.  Why do people feel the need to wait until the EXACT SECOND the movie starts to start eating their nachos and hamburgers and drinking their sodas?  They sit there with this meal on their lap throughout the entire course of the previews, and then as soon as the actual film starts it's suddenly chow time.  Like having nachos in your mouth while watching a movie scene somehow makes it more entertaining.  "I finished my last bite of pizza crust RIGHT when Darth Vader said he was the father.  It was perfect."

Siskel and Ebert sure did go to a lot of movies over the years.  I bet they could have made a good list of movie theater pet peeves.  "Gene Shalit always gets up to go to the bathroom right before the good part."


Click HERE.

Amnesia: a Clinical Analysis and Diagnosis

Okay so basically if you are watching a television show in which somebody gets "amnesia" you know that it sucks.  Gilligan gets hit on the head by a coconut and suddenly has AMNESIA from it, then later in the episode the Professor accidentally hits him in the head with a BOAT OAR or something and his memory finally comes back.  "Oh yeah I remember now.  I *am* Gilligan!  FML!"

That does not HAPPEN.

Here are some medical facts.  Three things can happen when you get hit in the head.  #1 you can DIE.  (Sorry if that ever happened to you or somebody you know.)  #2 you can be KNOCKED OUT.  #3 you can clutch your head and turn towards the thing that hit you all like "OW!" or "WTF?"

Let's keep it real.  If Fred Flintstone ever got hit in the head by a flying bowling ball he would be killed.  He would not all of a sudden forget that he was Fred Flintstone.  He would be DEAD in a STONE casket and everybody would be crying.

btw ever wonder why Betty Rubble was the more attractive wife?  The answer is simple.  She had EYES.

Men sort of like their women to have eyes.  Ain't nobody on this earth that wants to go home to some no-eye-socket Wilma Flintstone zombie.

Anyhoo, the amnesia "gag" was eventually eliminated as a sit-com staple, thank God.

(Again, imagine a freshly-concussed Fred Flintstone all like "Whaa?  Who is God?  I don't remember!")

Sit-com writing has long been scrutinized for its lack of imagination.  (Really!)  But even a show like "Friends" knew better than to incorporate AMNESIA as a comic device.  Ross all like "Sorry Rachel, Joey accidentally hit me in the head with his mama's sacred Italian rolling pin and I forgot who I was for awhile and accidentally cheated on you for the 100th time.  Oops!  Sorry again, but I'm better now since Phoebe hit me in the head with a wrench."

Amnesia is not a joke.  Not a funny one, at least.


Click HERE.

You know who's a douchebag: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted July 2, 2008)

...the guy that blows his hand off playing with fireworks on the 4th of July and then totally sells out by appearing in public service announcements warning people not to use fireworks.

Man, way to stay true to the cause you piece of filth.  Our founding fathers DIED for our right to use fireworks, and now you lose one stupid hand and immediately jump to the other side of the fence to help the new regime take that freedom away.

It's not the same as feeling remorse after being ruined by a lifetime of cigarette smoking or compulsive gambling.  I could see how a person in that situation might want to use the details of the experience to enlighten others.  Getting your hand blown off is simply a freak accident.  Get over it!

Why should people stop having fun just because one idiot messed up?  It's like if you happen to be the one guy that gets his shoelaces caught in the escalator at the airport, or the one kid that falls through the floor of his treehouse and lands spine-first on an upside-down milk bucket.  Does EVERYBODY have to stop enjoying escalators and treehouses and milk buckets just because YOU got hurt?


Maybe you are reading this and saying to yourself, "Hey, I blew MY hand off on the 4th of July and really do want to make sure it doesn't happen to anybody else.  What can I do to help ensure a safe holiday for everyone?"

Well, you can:

1) Hover around whenever you see people or children playing with fireworks.  Be the voice of experience.  Wag your stump or hook at them and say, "You be careful now."

2) Get your friends to participate in a fireworks-safety-oriented puppet show.  Children love puppets and will pay attention.  and it doesn't matter that you don't have a hand, you can just change the story a little and say that your character was playing with fireworks and accidentally had his head blown off.  That will help drive home the point.


Anyway enjoy your holiday, it's one of the best ones.  It's hot and loud and the food is good.  Also the original 4th of July was a part of history, remember that.


Click HERE.