2013 Year in Review Blog

2013: Obama against the WORLD.

Besides getting to be President, it was not a good year for this man.  Most people do not like him anymore.   The main reason is "Obamacare," which is pretty much the worst idea ever.  He has been really stubborn about it though, possibly because it is named after him.

Another bad thing was the government shutdown.  Millions of faceless government employees were laid off.  There was no one handy to collect taxes or inspect food, at least for awhile.  Then it all got fixed, but I do not remember how.

So a pretty bad year for Obama all around, but do not worry.  Unlike Clinton (in wife disguise), he is not allowed to seek a third term.


Conversely, the Catholic Church had like their best year EVER.

The New Hip Pope made shocking announcements, such as that God loves EVERYONE and nobody has to go to hell anymore.  Many Catholics were startled by this, all like "Oh, for SERIOUS?"

Most people agree that the New Hip Pope is doing a really good job and should continue to do so.  There are others that disagree, but in the eventual words of the New Hip Pope, "Screw That Noise."


Incomplete list of people that turned out to be racists in 2013:

- Duck Dynasty Guy
- Bob Dylan
- Paula Deen


2013 was a really bad year for MAYORS.  They were smoking crack and sexually harassing people all over the place.

The ROYAL BABY was born in 2013, and boy isn't he a cutie.

Besides all Superbowls, it was the most important thing that ever happened.


Another main problem in 2013 was unemployment.  According to my staff, roughly 100% of Americans are currently unemployed, and they might be next.  Whatever.


Happy New Year.  This was the very best magazine published in 2013:

Click HERE.

Ugly Christmas Sweater Party

Get this out right now.

Anyone can see where it's going.  Instead of STRICTLY wearing ugly sweaters, people are beginning to come up with "costumes."  We do NOT need a "Halloween 2."

They have Ugly Christmas Sweater gatherings at bars.  Like it's meant to be an easy icebreaker for single people.

"That sweater is UGLY, lady."

"Thanks.  But aren't you at least supposed to PRETEND you aren't looking at my tits?"


So I'm not saying don't GO to an Ugly Sweater Party, just don't overthink it.  Wear an ugly sweater like a normal Ugly Sweater Party person.  Don't show up draped in tinsel (TINSEL) or as the "Human Candy Cane."

Be normal, it's better.

Click HERE.

New Christmas story that I wrote: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted December 23, 2008)

Okay in this story there are two penguins named Aukie and Pingo and they of course live at the South Pole.  Aukie and Pingo are kind of sad because they can't find jobs.  Then one day they meet Rusty the elf, who was on his way to do field work for Santa Claus in Argentina when a storm blew his kayak off course and he wound up at the South Pole.

They all get to talkin, and Rusty explains the whole Santa Claus deal to the penguins, and says that if they can help him get his boat back on course he will bring them back to the North Pole with him and get them jobs in the Santa Claus regime.  You know, working in the toy shop or something.

The penguins round up six friends and they all let Rusty harness them to the kayak and they jump in the water and are out to sea.  (See the imagery is like Santa with his reindeer, except it's penguins in the water pulling a kayak instead of a sleigh.)

They pull Rusty all the way to the southern tip of Argentina and then he thanks them and gives them a toy shop business card with his name on it.  Aukie and Pingo are like "Wait a minute, I thought you were taking us to the North Pole!"  Rusty says, "Oh, well yeah we can do that but first I got to verify every kid's address in South America, and then they're sending me to Tobago to check on who's sleeping and who's awake, and then I've still got all this vacation time I gotta use up before the end of the year or else I lose it..."

So basically he ditches them.  As he races off in his go kart (the kayak turns into a go kart for travel on land) the penguins ask "CAN YOU AT LEAST TELL US HOW TO GET TO THE NORTH POLE?" and he yells back "JUST WALK UP THE COAST!"

Now these eight penguins are walking up the western coast of South America and they ain't in too good a mood.  Morale is LOW.  There are lots of complaints.  ("It's hot out here, man."  "How far is the North Pole anyway?"  "I didn't even tell my wife I was leavin.")


On the way to the North Pole they have many adventures, and one by one the penguins begin to abandon the pack.

- One gets addicted to caffeine while passing through Colombia and wanders off on his own splinter quest to work for Juan Valdez

- One becomes captivated by tales of a sunken treasure ship off the coast of Panama and leaves the group in pursuit of riches

- One is so dismayed by the high rate of street crime in El Salvador that he hatches a scheme to infiltrate a youth gang and sabotage their plans from the inside

- One signs on as a bullfighter's apprentice in Mexico

- One bumps into an ex-girlfriend at Sea World and hangs back in hopes of rekindling the romance

- One gets arrested at the Canadian border because they think he's a different penguin (they all look kind of alike) that has known ties to drug smugglers in Vancouver


So that leaves just Aukie and Pingo, walking up the Canadian coast and into Alaska.  They follow the signs to the city of "North Pole," which of course is not THE North Pole, it's just a suburb of Fairbanks.  Since they are just penguins, Aukie and Pingo don't understand the difference, and since it's Christmas time in North Pole, Alaska it is not too long at all before they track down "Santa Claus."

Lots of kids are in line to talk to Santa, so the penguins have to wait.  They get in line.  Two penguins waiting to see Santa Claus is regarded as quite the spectacle by the citizens of North Pole.  People begin to point and laugh.  a man takes a picture for the local newspaper.  By the time Aukie and Pingo get to the front of the line, a huge crowd has gathered.  The local news media have shown up with their cameras and microphones.  No one can wait to find out what the penguins will say.

Finally it's their turn.  They hand Santa the business card.

"We were promised work."

All eyes on Santa Claus.  How would he fulfill such an unusual request?

Of course this was not the real Santa, but it WAS the real life postmaster of the 99705 zip code, just working the Santa Claus gig part time on nights and weekends.  Ever wonder where a letter ends up when a kid mails it to Santa Claus at the "North Pole?"  Yep, it goes to 99705.

So yeah he got Aukie and Pingo jobs in the mailroom.  Full time with benefits.

THE END


I know this story was kind of all over the map, but so were the penguins.

Also don't worry about that penguin that was wrongfully jailed at the Canadian border.  He escapes later and clears his name.

(But that's another story.)


Click HERE.

Why do people want milk during a snow storm: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted December 20, 2008)

As soon as three inches of snow fall everybody is at the supermarket going crazy for milk, eggs, and bread.  For what?  Emergency french toast?  I imagine the same thing happens before hurricanes and typhoons.  "We can't go out and might die but it won't be from lack of CALCIUM because we have plenty of MILK!"

Wouldn't it make more sense to stock up on true essentials like steak and frozen pizza and beer?  Aside from cereal you don't use milk for too many things.  You gotta put that little splash in the macaroni and cheese I guess.  and maybe during a snowstorm you might want to knock back a few White Russians.  That's hardly essential though unless you have some hardcore White Russian version of alcoholism.

and the eggs, what are those for?  "What if we get snowed in and someone has a birthday?  We'll need cake."

I understand that you need food around during emergency times but why not more variety?  a storm hits and everybody is living in 1950 again.  "Tacos during a storm?  That's unheard of.  Where's the milk?  I need my hourly ration."

So if you are one of the nutjobs rushing to the store to buy eggs, bread, and milk when the weather is bad KNOCK IT OFF.  Just buy regular food, it tastes better.  Also a good pot of spaghetti or rack of lamb can really boost morale during hard times.  People usually don't panic when they have a full stomach.  (Exception: Bulimics)

Don't drink milk.  It's stupid.


Click HERE.

Get that new "Sound of Music" out

Stop making new versions of old stuff.  They are never as good, and it's not like you can't just watch the ORIGINAL version AGAIN.  What's stopping you?  Almost everyone has the technology by now, or at least a DVD player.

They actually made an A-Team movie with someone ELSE playing the Mr. T character.  and a new version of Star Trek with a different Mr. Spock.  and all you fools and suckas enabled it.  You PAID MONEY to see a phony Spock and a fake Mr. T.  Don't do that!

Let's make a Carrie Underwood "Wizard of Oz."  Ben Affleck can be Scarecrow, Keanu Reeves can be Tinman.  Cowardly Lion not sure, maybe Samuel L. Jackson.

"I'M FUCKING SCARED, MOTHAFUCKA!"


Some suggestions for more bad ideas:

"It's a Wonderful Life" starring Robert Downey Jr.

Kojak 2014 with the X-Files guy (bald)

New Muppet Movie with different Muppets

"Casablanca 2: Back in the Habit"

a Three Stooges movie (hey wait didn't that one actually happen?)

"DIRTIER Dancing"

"Mr. Holland's Way Worse Opus"

Mike Myers as the Godfather (super-hilarious version)

"E.T. 2: Extra-Terrestrial Boogaloo"

Remake of  "Gone With the Wind" with even MORE racism

"Batman Unmasked"

a Mr. Ed movie where he says "FUCK YOU WILBUR!" and runs away, and then Wilbur (played by Adam Sandler) embarks on a hilarious quest to find him

"Tom Hanks: THE MOVIE!" (NOT starring Tom Hanks)

Home Alone AGAIN: Pesci Claus


Like George Lucas used to say, if you can't do something right don't do it at all.  There's no place like home.

Click HERE.

The Crack-Smoking Mayor and the New Hip Pope

These guys gotta meet, man. Ultimate buddy comedy right there.  I do not know if the Catholic church currently allows "bromances," but if they don't, they will SOON.  The New Hip Pope will ensure that.

So I know what you're thinking.  "HEY THOSE TWO DON'T HAVE MUCH IN COMMON!"  Well yeah okay but CALM DOWN.  Yes YOU, angry shouting person.

That's how friendships work.  Two people that have nothing in common meet each other, usually under some kind of "circumstance," and then they agree that they initially do not like each other, but are gonna HAVE to work together.


(Here is an example, that I WROTE.)

New Hip Pope: LOOK Crack-Smoking Mayor, I don't like you and you don't like me, but we are gonna have to work TOGETHER to make this world a better place.

Crack-Smoking Mayor: I am willing to compromise as long as you are at least willing to smoke crack SOMETIMES.

New Hip Pope: NO WAY.

Crack-Smoking Mayor: Well then I guess we are just gonna have to agree to disagree.

New Hip Pope: Why?

Crack-Smoking Mayor: To DO this.

New Hip Pope: Do what, exactly?

Crack-Smoking Mayor: END SIN.

New Hip Pope: I don't really need your help with that.  You are a mayor that smokes crack and then lies about it.

Crack-Smoking Mayor: D'oh!


It would be endless hilarity, don't you agree?

(Here's the murder version.)

 Click HERE.

Christmas shopping: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted December 4, 2008)

This is how Christmas shopping is supposed to work.  It's Christmas time and you want to give somebody a token of love and/or appreciation.  (Yes it's and/or.  You may not appreciate your son-in-law, and you don't usually love your doorman.)  So then you consider the person, put some THOUGHT into it (that's the key), and select an appropriate gift.  "I THOUGHT you would like this.  Merry Christmas."

It should not be any more complicated than that.  Yet here is a list of phrases that become more and more common with every passing year:

"I have no idea what to get you."

"Should I buy it now or do you want to get it for me for Christmas?"

"They got me the WRONG THING."

"This counts as your Christmas present."

"As long as I HAVE to get you something it might as well be something you like."

"I have the receipt if you need it."

"I need to spend at least $20 on her."

(in the case of gift cards) "This way YOU can pick out whatever YOU WANT."


and then there are the shenanigans.  I have seen people try on a jacket to make sure it fits, and then they leave the store while the other person buys it for them.  Then they have to pretend they don't know it's in the bag and actually go through the charade of having it sealed in a box with wrapping paper until it's actually Christmas Day.

Not to get all Charlie Brown but DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT?

It's like people have come to think of Christmas presents as a yearly allowance that they want to ensure they get the most out of.  You're not supposed to pick out exactly what you want and have someone purchase it for you out of a sense of obligation.  You're supposed to be grateful for whatever you get as long as there was some apparent thought put into it.

I mean I'm fine with making a Christmas list or dropping good-natured hints, but some people take it too far.  You shouldn't be calculating how much you're going to get and from whom.  You shouldn't deliberately not buy something you want because you can just get someone else to pay for it.  The only thought you should be putting into Christmas presents is what other people might like.

and there should be no stress involved.  Christmas shopping is not a CHORE, you're supposed to want to do it.  If you have all your Christmas shopping finished by the end of September you a terrible fool that's missing the point.  It also is not a CONTEST.  Who is getting up at 3am the day after Thanksgiving to save money?  Even if you don't have a lot of money, you still have your DIGNITY.  I bet the Waltons never trampled anyone to death because there was a good price on wagon wheels.

If you cannot participate in Christmas without remaining thoughtful, calm, and genuine, you are part of the problem.  The perfect gift is not the biggest television that was purchased at the best price.  The perfect gift is any little thing the recipient didn't realize they wanted or needed right then.  That could mean earmuffs, or it could mean a pizza.  Everybody's different.

Don't buy crap, though.  Nobody needs "Muppet Monopoly."


Click HERE.

Why do people like to drink the same thing all the time?

When you EAT, you like to sample a lot of different things.  Experience as many delicious and exotic flavors as possible.  I think it is why people like Golden Corral and Chinese food so much.

But then when it comes to beverages there will be this person in your office who specifically drinks Diet Dr. Pepper EVERY DAY.  "I love Diet Dr. Pepper.  Don't even come near me with no Diet Mountain Dew."

Change that shit up, man.  There should be some kind of beverage buffet where you get to sample everything.  I mean obviously there are wine tastings, but it's still all wine.  There are BARS, but even then they're always like "Can I get you another?" and they mean another of the same thing.  How come after one Bud Light it can't be like "Now I'd like some Orange Crush.  Then a latte.  and then some Strawberry Nestle Quik."

DRINK DIFFERENT THINGS.  Don't be all Southern and hostile about preserving the taste of Coca-Cola.  It's just a drink, it ain't damn Jesus.  (Sorry.)

The healthiest thing to drink is water.  It is also the cheapest.  Kind of weird.  Like if spinach was free but people wanted to eat Funyuns anyway.

Click HERE.