Snow day

It's tough to get a snow day.  a full one, at least.

Instead of just cancelling work or school, they say "Well we're gonna wait and see how bad it gets."  Then it gets bad.  So THEN they say "We're sending everybody home.  Good luck!  It's pretty bad out."


It's inconsistent because most workplaces are so big on safety.  If a floor gets mopped, "CAUTION: WET FLOOR!"  Every office has fire exits that are clearly marked and way more fire extinguishers than you'll ever need.  But there's never a fire, not even one.  and in school, you never hand scissors to somebody the dangerous pointy way, it's always handle-first.

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL.

Unless you're driving TO work, that is.  Then it's "10 inches of snow with slippery roads?  Big deal!  You could have made it in."

All the kids get on the bus at 6am when it's 0 degrees and dark outside, then by 8 it's a blizzard and everyone is trying to figure out how to get all the kids back to where they just were.  Safely.


Here's my safety plan: DON'T GO.

Unless you REALLY have to, that is.  If you are the person that feeds the animals at the zoo, you have to go in.  But if you are "Joe From Accounting" and work in an office building, stay the hell home.  Your boss might call all like "Joe we really need you to be here to do some accounting today!  You can't just stay home!"  The reality is that accounting will take care of itself.  and there will be less traffic impeding the person that is trying to get to work to feed leopards.

School is the least necessary place.  I like when the kids get the day off but the teachers and staff still have to report.  WHY?  Do the bus drivers have to show up too?  Bus all empty and stationary.

"Well it's still a work day, we're not paying you for nothing."

"Yes you are!"


I wonder if any gym teachers get upset when school is cancelled.  "This throws off the whole CURRICULUM."


What's the easiest job to get called off from?  What if you give hot air balloon tours?  "Hey boss, it's 0 degrees and windy.  I don't think anybody's gonna want one."  "You can still come in and vacuum out the basket."  "I did that yesterday!"

"Do you really need me at Dairy Queen today?  The roads seem pretty bad."

"Yes, come in.  We can inventory the Blizzard toppings."

"Aww, we don't have to count all the INDIVIDUAL Heath bar pieces, do we?"

"Yes."


Do airline pilots still get paid when the flight is called off?  If so, do they make them do something else that day?  "Write up a self-evaluation."

"Okie-doke."

i - will - ne-ver - crash - the - plane - un-less - you -are - on - it - stu-pid - boss

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Why are there commercials for Las Vegas?

The tourism industry is absolutely vital to dozens of towns and communities across our great American land.  So in an effort to boost interest, a lot of times you will see a TV advertisement that is meant to entice you to visit a place that you would not normally think to go to.

"Come visit BRANSON, MISSOURI!"

After seeing the ad you say to your spouse, "Ooooh that looks pretty GOOD.  Branson, MISSOURI.  Imagine all the SHOWS."


Conversely, there is Las Vegas.  a lot of people really like going to Las Vegas.  and that's fine.  But does ANYBODY that likes Las Vegas ever FORGET that it's THERE?  "Oh YEAH, Las VEGAS!  Honey, cancel the flight to Branson!  I forgot how much I like to stay up all night and gamble."


Almost anybody would like to go to Hawaii, but I never see commercials pitching it as a travel destination.  Why?  Because Hawaii knows it does not need to advertise.  People know it's there.  There's no "Give HAWAII a chance" TV ad.  Imagine if there was.

"Come to Hawaii?  Hmmm, okay sounds good.  Hey Hawaii, is there some kind of online coupon code where I can get thousands and thousands of dollars off the cost of the trip?  Cause if not I sorta don't think I'm gonna make it this year!  Thanks for rubbing it in my face though!  Honey, book the flight to God damn Branson.  Again."


Disney advertises, but that's a little different, because they are coming after your kids.  Places like Las Vegas, Branson, and Hawaii certainly want your money, but none of them have much influence over your children.  Disney has the ability to extract money from you in a whole different way.  a needle-nose-pliers-pinching-and-twisting-the-earlobe-until-you-get-out-your-checkbook sort of way.  Kind of like Santa Claus except it's a mouse.  With no beard.

and if you HATE your kids, there's always Washington D.C.  Here's a parenting tip.  If you ever want to take your kids someplace that they are going to think is boring, just tell them everything is "haunted."

"This is John F. Kennedy's gravesite.  We better leave before it gets too dark because that's when his body comes out of the ground to put more wood on the fire."

"The Lincoln Memorial.  See those pennies on the ground?  They say if you take one his ghost will show up during the night and skin you like a bear.  Anybody care to try?"

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Play-Doh

All little children love Play-Doh.  They especially love mixing all the colors together into one big purplish-grey lump.  They do so within the first 30 seconds of opening it, almost invariably.

There must be exceptions, though.  Some real meticulous kid that is fanatical about his Play-Doh.  He saves all the used cans for future use.  Every night he is mixing together experimental color combinations and storing them on shelves in the basement.  Charts and graphs, clipboard, everything.

Mom: HERBERT, will you come upstairs already?

Herbert: Can't, mom.

Mom: But your dinner is getting cold.

Herbert: I already ate.

Mom: Oh...  Hey wait, do you mean that you ate real food or Play-Doh food?

Herbert: ...

Mom: Herbert?

Herbert: Back off, mom.


The other neighborhood children eventually confront Herbert after he has not been at school for several days.  They find him still in the basement, now using the Fun Factory.

Neighbor Kid: Herbert?  You've been down here for awhile.  Want to play kickball?

Herbert: How can I make time for KICKBALL when I am in the process of squeezing out the world's most perfect example of a sky-blue elongated plus symbol?  How?  HOW???


In real life, my favorite prank to play on my brothers and sisters was to chop up Play-Doh Fun Factory logs into Lucky Charms marshmallow-sized pieces and then let them dry out and mix them into the cereal box.  
They would get all excited.  "Ooh, a GREEN star.  Somebody must have made a MISTAKE.  Now I get to EAT this!"

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Justin Bieber is a MANIAC

He keeps using drugs, speeding around in cars, throwing EGGS, and committing various other crimes.  Anyone can see where this is going.  Justin Bieber is ultimately going to be arrested.

and then his fans and parents and whoever else will have the nerve to act surprised.  Like this doesn't happen almost every time.  "He'll be DIFFERENT if we give him millions of dollars and power and influence and a mansion as a teenager.  This kid is SPECIAL."

We sort of don't need real-life child actors and musicians anymore.  There are some pretty sophisticated CGI graphics now.  If you need a little kid to be in a movie or music video, just draw one using computers.  It isn't like before where it was way easy to tell the difference.

Justin Bieber has apparently "retired" now.  But for how long?  I hope he gets all fat, sweaty, and bloated like Elvis but then eventually stages a comeback special.  Like at age 30.  Imagine an overweight Justin Bieber singing "Love Me Tender" with adult women screaming.  "WE STILL HAVE BIEBER FEVER OH MY GOD!  OH MY GODDDDDDDDDD!  Now do Mockingbird."

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References required

Most people have at least attempted to apply for jobs, especially by now.  In order to get a job, you need references.

There are two kinds of references that you need.  The first is former employers.  That's a good one.  If you make up some wild claim about having worked at Sunglasses Hut, but it turns out to be a complete lie, you are probably not an employable person.  So don't lie about something like that, EVER.


Then there is also this thing where they ask for "personal" references.  WHY?  You gotta come up with three people that know you but also are not related to you.  Like that proves anything.


*rInGtOnE*

Reference: Hellooo?

Home Depot:  Yes hello this is Home Depot calling, how are you today?

Reference: I'm okay I guess.

Home Depot: We just wanted to call to make sure you KNEW Captain Dan.

Reference: Well yes, yes I do.

Home Depot: Okay, thanks.  Sorry to bother you, we just wanted to be certain that he wasn't an axe murderer or something, heh.

Reference: Well how do you know that I'm not an axe murderer TOO?

Home Depot: ...

Reference: Well?

Home Depot: You have just outsmarted the HOME DEPOT.

(Home Depot has to be especially wary of axe murderers because they sell axes there.)


The "no relatives" thing can be a huge problem, because if you're anything like me, all of your friends are unhelpful dicks.

*rInGtOnE*

Friend: Sup?

Pizza Hut: Hi this is Pizza Hut calling.  How are you today, sir?

Friend: Been better.

Pizza Hut: I'm glad to hear that.  Anyway we were just calling to make sure you KNEW Captain Dan.

Friend: Fo sho.

Pizza Hut: So, should we hire him?

Friend: FUCK no.  I hate that guy.

Pizza Hut: OH.  Well, I...

Friend: and fuck you too, by the way.  Your pizza sucks.

*bip*

(I feel that *bip* has replaced *click* as the modern version of hanging up on somebody.)


So then with nowhere else left to turn, keeping in mind that relatives are apparently too biased to be credible, you call your mother.

*beebadeebadeebadee* (That's how landline phones sound, lately.)

Mom: Hello?

Applicant: Hey it's me.

Mom: Oh I'm SO glad you called, I was so WORRIED.

Applicant: Really?  About what?

Mom: Oh, you know.  Just in general.

Applicant: Great.  So hey mom, do you know anybody that is not in our family?

Mom: No.

Applicant: What?  Why not?

Mom: Cause why would I?

Applicant: Alright, nevermind, then.

Mom: I'm concerned about your drinking, and you seem overdue for a haircut, and let me tell you what your Aunt Maureen did.  She...

*bip*


So since there ain't nobody good out there I am here to offer my services as a reference.  Just e-mail me if you need somebody.  I am even willing to tell lies for no pay, say that you're good and everything, cause what's it to me?  Plus they never call anyway.

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(My Latest Song) Take Your Christmas Decorations Down

Today is January the 12th.  I'm not good with math or anything but I think Christmas was at least a week ago.  Most of my neighbors and parishioners have therefore removed their holiday decorations.  For some reason though, some have not.

How come?  Are they just waiting until Easter to make a smooth transition like happens after Halloween?  Are they LAZY?  Did they forget and/or die?  Time will tell.

At any rate, I decided to write a new song about it.  As usual, it's only lyrics.  I did not compose a melody because I have not learned how to do that yet.  Anyway, here it is!


TAKE YOUR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS DOWN
(By Captain Dan)

a-hem

a 1 and a 2 and a...

DON'T BE A DAMN CLOWN
TAKE YOUR DECORATIONS DOWN
I'M EITHER GONNA KILL YOU
OR RUN YOU OUTTA TOWN

YOU MUST BE INSANE
DON'T YOU EVEN HAVE A BRAIN
I'M GONNA WHACK YOU IN THE HEAD
WITH A GIANT CANDY CANE

(now it quickly shifts from horribly violent to a smooth reggae beat)

oH tHe sAnTa
hE iS nOt cOmInG
hE iS nOt cOmInG nO mOrE

nO nO nO

oH tHe sAnTa
hE iS nOt cOmInG
hE iS nOt cOmInG nO mOrE

EVERYBODY!

(then at this part there's a whole children's choir where everybody is singing along all angelically)

OHHHHH the Santa
He is not coming
He is not coming no moooooooooore

Frosty's dead
Gonna whack you in the head
He is not coming
no
moooooooooooooooooooooore

(that's the big finish)


I tried to contact Dean Martin and various others to see if anyone would like to record this but apparently most people like that have died by now and nobody told me.

If you're still alive and can sing well, e-mail me.

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Marijuana is LEGAL

Only in Colorado, though.  So everybody wants to live there now.

I ain't no weed-head but I know a lot of people that are (I am POPULAR) and they all claim that they are gonna move to Colorado all of a sudden.  It's like the inverse of every single Presidential election where whichever 50% of your losing friends lost claim they're gonna move to Canada and then don't actually do it.


HERE is a thing.  Besides SMOKING marijuana, a lot of people apparently also like to EAT it.

Pot brownies, muffins, and cake.  Chicken pot pie not the same thing.  I mean I guess a lot of people eat that WHILE high, but it's not actually IN there.  Or is it?  I guess I wouldn't know.


Food Network should do a pot-food show.  I guess it would HAVE to be filmed in Colorado, but it would be Paula Deen's ultimate opportunity to stage a comeback.

Marijuana brings all people together, even racists.  They get all high and then just don't care anymore.

Imagine what Paula Deen could do with herb butter alone.

"Ahh like to put a big scoop on mah Frosted Flakes in the morning."


Paula Deen's triple chocolate fudge marijuana brownies.

Fried chicken in weed sauce...

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The BIG LIST of observations (Volume 2)

I ain't no expert on torture or execution but boiling somebody in oil seems really unnecessary.  As if water can't get hot enough.  and what a waste of good oil, geez.  So stop doing it.

Sometimes CDs would have "bonus" or "hidden" tracks at the end.  You just wait long enough and something else plays.  Not too many other products can do that.  If you buy a bar of soap, you know there's no place in it to hide more soap.

Well okay I know that sometimes a bottle of shampoo will say "33% more free!" on it, but come on.  That shit ain't free.  and it sure as hell ain't hidden.

If you are career-ambitious and want to drop off a resume somewhere, a good idea is to tape the resume to a pizza box and then drop off the pizza.  Your resume has a much better chance of getting looked at that way.  This is especially effective if the job you're after is delivering pizzas.

If I ever get a job as a beekeeper I am gonna carry a sword at my waist.  I feel that would really complete the beekeeper ensemble.

Oreo cookies are the only food that people like to dissect before they eat it.  I bet they'd be equally fun to construct.  I'd say they should market Oreos as a kit but you know what would happen.

Sometimes I will be driving through a neighborhood and I will see a sign that says "Deaf Child Area."  I always wonder how the deaf kid feels about that.  Maybe he's cocky.  "Y'all betta recognize."

Why do people say it's so dangerous to tug on Superman's cape?  Does he get really mad and violent if you do that?  That doesn't seem like him.

Stop changing James Bond!  As soon as I get used to the new one it's a different guy all of a sudden.  Just like the President.

How come jug bands only ever have one jug?  If you had more than one you could make more sounds.  I think this is why jug band music is not too popular.

What is heaven like?  Nobody knows.  I hope when you get up there it's just God bowling and crying.

One thing I gotta start doing is carrying around a Wall Street Journal.  I think that would make me look important and busy.  Just act like I can't go anywhere without it, and if someone ever asks about my investments I can say something like, "I'm just throwing my money away, buddy."  (See that would be TRUE since I wasted money on the paper and didn't read it.)

a neat job would be to be the guy that draws the little pictures in the dictionary.  I don't think the dictionary people would care or notice if you drew in some of your family and friends.  "Look dad, you're playing the oboe."

I like when honey is in one of those bottles that's shaped like a bear.  I like to pretend it's Mrs. Butterworth's pet.

How come people that collect weapons (guns, knives, etc.) are always cleaning them?  I guess they can't think of any other reason to handle them.  You only really need to get them out if your home is being invaded, unless maybe you're really good at juggling.

Pro athletes like to carry guns around and party and gamble.  That reminds me of the Old West.  I bet less people would have been shot in the Old West if they had more sports to play.  Probably too hard to get organized.  Everybody got shot before they could make enough friends to start a team.

Athletes are into gun culture, but I wish they were also into cowboy hats and old-tyme piano music.  Wouldn't everybody love an NBA squaredance?  a bunch of hot strippers could be in it.

Hunting is a fun and stimulating activity, but a lot of people won't participate because they don't want to harm animals.  If you feel this way then I recommend just sneaking into the woods and trying to throw a deer a surprise party.  Balloons, noisemakers, everything.  The deer is probably going to run away but that's okay because I'm pretty sure they don't eat cake.


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