I would like to be guilty of unsportsmanlike conduct

Problem is, I am not good at any sports, and therefore do not play them.  I can't play golf, so I will never be in a position to throw a golf club into a lake.  I suck at baseball, so I don't get to kick dirt at people that I disagree with.  I do not know how to play hockey, and am ALSO bad at fighting.

What I AM good at is board games.  Do board games count as "sports?"  They are certainly widely regarded and respected as leisurely activities but so are crossword puzzles and masturbating.  People never form CLUBS for that though.  They just solve the puzzles and do, yanno, the other thing, individually and privately.

This is becoming awkward, let's move on.


Even if you are competent at something, you cannot always win.  Losing at Monopoly?  It's human psychology to just "flip the board."  The thimble and the dog and the "Get Out Of Jail Free" card and the HOTELS and the orange $500 bill go flying all over the house.  EVERYONE has experienced this situation, USUALLY as a little kid.

It would be funny if an adult did it.

"BODY ODOR RAILROAD?!?!  NOOOOOOOOOOOO."

Tiny little green houses all of a sudden everywhere, including on the pizza.

CHESS is the funniest game to suddenly lose your temper about, because it is SO stereotyped as being for intellectuals.  It would be so awesome if just ONE TIME somebody actually "flipped the board" in a USA vs Russia match, or whatever other nations are relevant these days.

Here is what chess pieces would look like with faces:

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Towels

Towels are certainly necessary in life (and SOMETIMES death) but they are also one of strangest "garments" of all, including kneepads and crowns.  Towels are basically super-thick and colorful napkins that you only wear at certain times, and even then you can't wait for actual clothes.


Idea: Towel Parties.  It would be like a nudist colony except nobody would ACTUALLY be naked.  Like for people that are ALMOST ready.  It still costs a LOT of MONEY to attend, though.


What's a better feeling?  "DRY" or "WET?"  As with most things, political and otherwise, the truth is usually in the middle.  Democrats and Republicans always fight angrily on television.  They should snap each other with towels too, live on the air.  It would be great for rating$$$.


I have an idea for a new towel design (I've been meaning to text those of my friends that work in the fashion industry, but lost focus because I wrongfully was defeated at Bingo.  I forgot to put a certain chip on a certain number while I was going to the bathroom or WHATEVER.)  Once my lawsuit with that guy FINALLY ends, though, I am going to do this next thing.

TOWELS THAT ARE DESIGNED LIKE KILTS.  Isn't that so easy and brilliant?  Everybody that walks around the house with a towel around their waist would like to pretend to be Braveheart, at least for a few minutes.

As usual, though, I don't know how to actually use any of my great ideas to make money.  That's why Bingo is better.


I was gonna try to download a picture of Mel "Braveheart" Gibson, but then decided it would be a way better idea to download a picture of a totally naked DEBBIE Gibson, so I did that instead:

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Priests

Are you allowed to dress that exact way if you're not one?  I know that it's illegal to impersonate people like police officers and lifeguards, but what if you just really like wearing black clothes and a white collar as a fashion statement or Halloween costume?  Can you get in TROUBLE for that?  Halloween is coming up SOON, so I need to know.  Any of you ACTUAL cops or lifeguards that are reading this please e-mail me to tell me what the official rules are.


Times have become modern recently.  a lot of people text or otherwise use their phone while at work.  Do priests do that?  Imagine getting caught.  Maybe you wouldn't be bold enough to take your phone out during a SUNDAY mass or funeral or whatever, but what about one of those Tuesday masses where there's only four very old ladies sitting there, all spread far apart within the PEWS?  That would have to make it very tempting to whip your phone out and check in real quick, like during an extra-long hymn or something.

Old Lady: Father, were you LOOKING at your PHONE during the HYMN?

Priest: Ummm...yes.  BUT!  It was an emergency text from the Pope.  He says that it's okay to be gay now.


Back to the clothes.  If you DID choose to show up at a church dressed like a priest and started walking around and shaking hands and saying prayers and trying to consult people in the confessional, what would actually happen?  There's really no security there, only "ushers."  I hope that if someone ever tries to do that, two larger-sized ushers grab the imposter priest by both arms and forcibly dunk the person's head into the Baptismal fountain for an extra-scary amount of time.  Then you get verbally warned not to try to pretend to be a priest ever again and get "ushed" out into the STREET.


a Confession "app" would be all the rage these days.  You just Tweet the priest whatever you did wrong.

Young lady: i had adultrey (sic)

Priest: do a rosary

Young lady: k


Not getting to have ANY sex EVER is a main reason nobody wants to be a priest anymore.  There are other reasons though.  Not EXCITING enough.

Human beings have an instinct to want to save and help each other, make things better.  People are still willing to accept dangerous tasks like being a police officer or fireman.  But not a priest.  The reason?  No EXCITEMENT.

Change that shit up!  (Sorry, Father.)  First of all, priests should get special cars with lights and sirens.  an alarm goes off at the rectory, and the priest springs into action.

"Out of my WAY!  Someone is SINNING!"

"Someone needs LAST RITES!  I better HURRY!"

Then the priest gets to slide down a long pole and hop into his car and race to the scene.  Or if it's one of those older gibberish-speaking priests that could no way ever slide down a pole they could use one of those big spiraled slides like children enjoy at the playground.  There could be pricey and elaborate decorations on it, or it could just be made of expensive stained glass to begin with.

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Quilting

What are quilts?

According to the biological definition, and also late-night infomercials, quilts are basically two blankets that are sewn together.  So I gotta ask: WHY NOT JUST USE TWO BLANKETS?!?!

It costs the same, and is easier.  Why would someone need one gigantic "double blanket?"  It's not a cheeseburger or a scotch on the rocks, it's a BLANKET.  Just use two.


Anyhoo, sometimes people go camping.  and a lot of people that go camping sleep in "sleeping bags."  WHY?  Just wrap yourself in one, two, maybe THREE quilts.  You'd be so warm.  What, are you afraid that bears and raccoons are gonna see you wrapped up in QUILTS?  Even if they saw it, why do you CARE what a bear thinks?

"Look at those stupid patches."

and the raccoon...

"I am totally gonna give that person eye-rabies because that's all I want to do in life."


There are a lot of unusual reality television shows these days.  Imagine one in which b-words and c-words and d-words and also VERY NICE LADIES are super competitive about quilting.  Maybe celebrities could even be in it, like "Dancing With The Stars."  Marisa Tomei and Michael Jordan knitting quilts and sniping at each other.

"YOUR movie sucked."

"No YOURS did."


One of my latest favorite ideas is a sleeping bag that is ALSO a quilt.  You just build it out of twice as much stuff and it keeps you SO warm.  It would be like sleeping right in the middle of a double cheeseburger.  Or especially in the middle of a Big Mac.  You could rest so comfortably on that middle bread part.

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New phone apps

Boy oh boy do people love "apps."  Also, games.  So here are some new ones.

(Since I do not know how to invent these myself, I will CONTINUE to allow important scientists and other nerds to steal my ideas.  You know who you are.)


#1) Paddleball app

This might seem like a really boring idea, but I gotta ask.  Why was this "game" EVER considered interesting or exciting?  How do you keep score?  Does someone have to stand there and WATCH you?  If so, nice life.  Anyway, a phone app would save someone the trouble.  The phone would automatically keep track of how many times you hit the same button in a row, and then you could report it to Facebook, because everyone would love that.


#2) Foot War app

Unless you were an only child, and therefore mentally disturbed, everyone fondly remembers "Foot War."  You and one of your siblings sit on opposing ends of the couch, watching TV, and push the bottoms of your feet against each other to establish household power and influence.  Meanwhile, you both have your heads turned watching cartoons or Gilligan.  Very casual yet important battle.  Make a phone app in which you can do the same vs a friend (or ENEMY) to help fill up the workday.


#3) The Floor Is Lava app

I don't think I need to explain this one.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, start with Foot War.  The Floor Is Lava is too advanced for you.


#4) Hopscotch app

Children these days are fat, and rarely own chalk.  But they usually have phones and tablets, so I feel that "hopscotch" could potentially enjoy a significant rebirth.  Might have to change it up a little to capture the attention of the current generation.  Maybe you hop ONTO things, instead of just numbers, and kill them.  Like birds or pigs or Mario.  Or Luigi.  Or the President.


#5) Dodgeball app

At some point teachers and parents decided that dodgeball was unfairly cruel, and is no longer allowed to be played.  Therefore, create an app in which you get to whip a big rubber ball at the "avatars" of your friends, co-workers, Facebook friends, and fellow parishioners.  Actually, since it's just an app, you wouldn't have to limit yourself to a rubber ball.  You could throw ANYTHING at them!  We have the technology now.  Pay like $1 to be able to throw a manhole cover like a frisbee.  $5 for a cute and colorful grenade that wipes out everybody you work with all at once. 

Games are fun.

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The Gerber Baby

What a ham.

Everybody loves that face.  The Gerber Baby has been hugely popular for MULTIPLE decades.  Where's the merchandising, though?

Some ingenious prototypes that I came up with:

I have never had nor owned a baby.  Are there cheaper baby food alternatives that are way crappier?  Like "Hunt's Baby Food" or "Great Value?"  If so who buys that?

"Sorry you can't have the GERBER strained peas, Olivia Ann, but we gotta save that nickel for your college fund.  I know you can't understand me, but I apologize in advance for the impending whole-pea-chunks.  and yes, I am only PRETENDING to talk on my cell phone right now so that people will not think I am crazy."


Competitive eating is all the rage these days.  How about a baby food eating contest?  and no, not with babies actually DOING it (it would take like two weeks to get a baby to eat ten jars) but with someone like Joey Chestnut slamming down shot after shot of baby food as a man in a suit scrutinizes over his shoulder.

Judge: Watch that dribble, Chestnut!  I'll let it go THIS time, but that's an official verbal warning.

Joey Chestnut: Auhghghauuuphaugh...sorry...auhghhh...


If there IS generic baby food, is there a not-as-cute baby on the label?

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Autumn Resolutions (The Dirty Third)

a lot of people make New Year's Resolutions.  They rarely stick to them, it's too hard.  If your resolution is to lose weight, you MIGHT make it through the summer.  If it's to drink less, sometimes you can hold out until St. Patrick's Day.  If it's to quit smoking, maybe you make it past noon.

Once summer ends, most people start to feel extra stressed and depressed.  There's so much PRESSURE.  "How are we gonna pay for Christmas?!"  "What's the best place to get school supplies?!"  "What am I gonna be for Halloween?!"

So, to help relieve that tension, I am NOT advocating "letting yourself go" completely, but you should pick at least a few Autumn Resolutions in which you vow to intentionally ruin a little part of your body or mind.

"I'm going to take less hikes and eat way more pie!  Starting...NOW."

Unlike New Year's, Autumn Resolutions would be far easier to KEEP.  That is good for self-esteem.

"I achieved my goal of gambling more.  Fantasy Football helped."

Kids get summer vacation from school.  Adults GO on vacation in the summer, but that ain't restful because you have to take the kids.  So basically what I'm suggesting is that everyone entitle themselves to a 4-month long "me day" lasting from Labor Day until New Year's Eve.  Not entirely sure what to call such a thing, though.  I've been discussing it with my staff  and my favorite idea so far is "The Dirty Third."

During the Dirty Third, you would allow yourself to do things like smoke a cigar for breakfast (not EVERY day)  and drink Hershey Syrup straight from the bottle.  Kid needs help with homework?  "We'll make up for it next semester."  Instead of eating fruit, have a glass of wine.  Instead of jogging, go bowling.

Then on January 1st you finally look in a mirror, and everything starts over again.

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Toaster or toaster OVEN? Which is BETTER?

How come toast tastes better when it's vertical?  Conversely, toaster OVENS lend themselves to so many more interesting ideas.

#1 (like all popular food choices in life) pizza.

You can heat or re-heat pizza in a toaster oven, but the regular toaster can't do that.  Doesn't fit.  Even if it's a 4-slice toaster.  DON'T try cramming pizza in those slots.  You will start a fire, break the toaster, and/or die.

NOW THEN.

There IS this thing where you can make "toaster strudels."  But THOSE usually have fruit inside and then you squeeze the icing on afterwards.

How come you can't put pizza fillings in "strudel?"  You can put pizza fillings in "rolls" and Hot Pockets and on top of miniature frozen bagels and also into your STOMACH. Why is a vertical toaster version out of the question? You would just squeeze the cheese on out of a tube or similarly appropriate device.

"LeGgO mY eGgO"

I have no way of knowing, since I do not know him, but I would surmise (yes, SURMISE) that the guy that came up with the "Leggo My Eggo" slogan is dead by now.  Too bad for him, he should have come up with a Pizza Eggo.

He did not.

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