Who in hell eats a giant-size gumball at the mall?

More and more, everywhere you look (n. Full House), people are starting to care more and more about money.

So curious.

What prompted this?  According to the MEDIA, it's the people that HAVE money that are responsible.  and how do you get to BE one of those people that has money?

Nobody knows.

NOBODY.

:0


Think of the number of gumballs you've had inside of your mouth within your lifetime.  Now multiply that figure by the number of times the fingering area of a gumball machine has ever, EVER been professionally cleaned.  The answer might surprise you!

How do gumballs get manufactured?  Is there a factory in Taiwan cranking them out RIGHT NOW?  If so, What flavors?  Do they CARE?

"Oh good, yellow gumball coating today.  That's my favorite."

"WHY?  How could that POSSIBLY be anybody's favorite gumball color?  Explain how!  Explain it to me!  I need answers!"

"Well, what's better?"

"Blue!"

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It has been awhile since anyone wrote new knock knock jokes

So I tried.  Let me know if these are good.

#1: Knock Knock.
#2: Who's There?
#1: I am a WHALE.  Bumping my head against your door AGGRESSIVELY while making beautiful whale sounds in a panic while actively drying out and dying.
#2: Who is this REALLY?


Jokes are not easy to write.  For every William Shakespeare there are only like 10 George Carlins.  (Do the math.)

Therefore, I tried again.

#1: Knock Knock.
#2: Who's There?
#1: Our relationship.
#2: Key is under the mat.
#George Carlin: Ever notice keys are always under MATS?


Okay I will really, really try now.  Original knock knock jokes in concurrency with nature's most current popular baby names.


#1: Knock Knock.
#2: Who's There?
#1: Aiden.
#2: Aiden Who?
#1: Aid-ing myself in gettin beaten up.


#1: Knock Knock
#2: Who's There?
#1: Olivia.
#2: Olivia Who?
#1: Oliv-ia (heard as all-of-ya) better not make jokes about my name.

Girl names are really difficult to mock.  Except certain very old ones like "Gert" and "Fanny" and "Ass."


#1: Knock Knock
#2: Who's There?
#1: a very romantic vampire
#2: Yeah well what is your name, though?
#1: Sven.
#2: No it isn't.
#1: Charlie, then.
#2: Charlie vous francais?
#1: WHAT?
#2: WHAT???
#3: Everybody calm down.

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Latest Ambition: Fake Food Critic

Times have changed, anybody can criticize food now.  Usually e-Criticize.

So just bring a clipboard and pen wherever you eat and wear a pair of fake glasses and the waitress will treat you like you are God. (The REAL God.)

It's a victimless crime.  They make extra-sure your food is correct, and then you personally hand them a fake diploma and ALSO give them a big tip. You were gonna tip anyway.  Why not pretend to be CRITICAL of FOOD?

"Hmmm, I am not certain that this Conehead Sundae is correct.  It seems unhappy.  I will eat it but not pay."

Are actual licensed food critics obligated to finish their meals if they are unhappy?

"This fish is cold and hard and BLEEDING.  I must fulfill my report, though."

Cold, bloody bites.

Over and over.

and over.

("baxxk" is a term so evil that only a conehead sundae could utter it.)

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Pennies and fountains

I swear to whoopity dang God, the thing people like best besides FREE stuff is WISHING for stuff.  Free things are free, whereas wishes usually cost a penny at most. It's only 1 cent, but it still technically costs "more," and everybody hates that.  I have spotted and scrutinized many cheapskates over the years, watching the skies for shooting star freebies and feverishly rubbing random lamps with false hopes.  No more of THAT, I say.  Let's get into wishing wells and fountains (not literally).

Sometimes people toss higher denominations into the water.  Nickels, dimes, even QUARTERS.  Talk about rich.  Personally I like to throw mostly-used-up gift cards in.  There has to be SOME money left on it, otherwise it's just litter.

Imagine printing a fake $100 bill with your computer and placing it in the penny fountain at the mall.  Would someone take it?  Imagine how low you would feel if another person saw and confronted you.

"Is that yours?"

"Yes I just accidentally dropped this in there."

"You dropped a fake $100 bill in the penny fountain?"

"It isn't fake."

"Then how come Alfred E. Neuman is on it?"

"Because...I am bad...at remembering Presidents.  Good day, sir."

(THAT is some humor writing.)

.....

...

.


Back to the freebies...

Rubbing lamps?  Don't like it, too masturbatory.  (Is that a word?  Is now.  TM Captain Dan.)

Shooting star is complex.  So difficult to prove that you saw one.

***nEw iDeA***

Lie about seeing shooting stars, especially during romantic late night walks and sensitive business negotiations.  (TM Captain Dan.  If you get laid or rich from this idea please send me a large check.)


Lamest wish when tossing a penny into a fountain?  "Please go in."

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