Hong and Ben's Chinese Restaurant Christmas (a new story by Captain Dan)

Hong: I can't believe we have to work today.

Ben: I know, right?

Hong: How come Jewish people suddenly like eggrolls and Batman movies SO MUCH when it's exactly Christmas?

Ben: How come Santa Claus has a beard?  What's he hiding?

Hong: What should we do later?

Ben: Kill ourselves.

Hong: No I mean really.

Ben: We are gonna get high and watch Chevy Chase Christmas Vacation, same as every year.

Hong: Have you ever eaten Chinese food?

Ben: No.

Hong: Me neither.  I wonder what it's like?

Ben: It's like slightly worse pizza that's in chunks instead of slices.

Hong: Eggrolls would be such an easy way to prank somebody.  Anything could be in there.

Ben: I know, right?

Hong: If we put a whole roll of quarters in an eggroll shell by "accident" do you think that somebody would COMPLAIN?

Ben: Hmm, good q.

Hong: "Someone accidentally stuffed ten dollars worth of quarters in here!  I'm so mad!"

Ben: "and wait a minute! This Chinese burrito is just marijuana wrapped in seaweed!"

*bloop*

Hong: Oh wow, somebody just ordered something.

Ben: What do they want?

Hong: The usual stuff.  Mashed potatoes and Flintstone vitamins that you eat with chopsticks.

Ben: Do you know how to use chopsticks?

Hong: No.  I stuck them in my ear holes once and looked in the mirror, but did not take a picture.

Ben: ...

Hong: ...

Ben: Merry Christmas, Hong.

Hong: Merry Christmas, Ben.


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Chocolate Chip Cookie Perfume

...and scratch N sniff pizza stickers.

Anybody that wears both will be scratched AND sniffed EXTRA much.

Nobody usually scratches me.  I don't get sniffed too often either besides when I am at the airport or at the homes of sober relatives.

Are there other cookies people would enjoy smelling like?  Is there Axe Oreo Body Spray?  Axe Diet Oreo Body Spray?  Animal cracker douche?

Here are some scent ideas that are NOT good:

#1: What the devil himself would smell like

#2: a really big and sweaty guy happily invites you to intoxicate yourself with a scratch and sniff taco sticker that has been on his arm for awhile

#3: Burnt popcorn

#4: a really cute deer got hit by a car and you foolishly pulled over and got involved

#5 FIIIIIve GOLden rings

Did burnt popcorn ever make Orville Redenbacher cry?  It's the microwave version of a dead deer.

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Gourmet Chapstick

Good evening holiday shoppers!  (or morning, if you're on the other side of "the pond.")

So if you're like anyone else, you've been wondering what to get everybody for Hanukkah.  (or Christmas, if you're on the other side of THAT.)

The perfect gift is something everyone would want to have and use, but nobody has it and nobody uses it.  That's what a mall Santa told me while on his break, at least.  But before I could get any more info out of him, a security guard informed me that I was not permitted in the Santa Claus break room and also suggested that I leave the mall entirely unless I intended to "buy something."  I looked over to Santa for some backup, but he was busy making aggressive eye contact with the security guard and nodding.

Whatever.

Everyday grocery items can make excellent and thoughtful gifts, but you have to stylize them right.  You can't just hand somebody a long rope of smoked sausage along with a pack of Kraft singles, you have to go to Hickory Farms and have them box up something nice for you. Don't just give somebody a handful of Life Savers all loose, or even a ziplock bag full of all the different kinds.  It has to be that special Life Savers "book."  No giving cash, even if it's a suspiciously round gift-card-type amount.  If your gift is a jar of mayonnaise, it better DAMN well be made out of caviar.

Nobody passes out Chapstick for Christmas.  How come?  It's very seasonal.  Just like the song.

iT's a cHaPaStiCk wOrLd iN tHe wiNtEr
wHeN yOuR LiPs aRe aLL bAnDaGeD aND bLuE

Is Chapstick not FANCY enough?  Well to quote Santa Claus, when he first put Rudolph in the mix, let's change up some shit already.

Imagine if somebody gave you an assortment of wine and cheese flavored Chapstick at your office gift exchange.  Would you be UPSET?  Would you toss it in the garbage?  Would you try each one exactly once and then re-gift it all the next year?  NO!  You'd be thrilled.  Imagine strutting around with special champagne Chapstick when everybody else only has cherry.

People would be so impressed.

"Hey is that Grey Poupon CHAPSTICK?!"

"Yes.  Kiss me you fool."

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