My latest idea: Fake road signs

Why is "YIELD" an upside-down triangle?  How does that help?  If I ever have enough money to do so I am gonna buy or steal one and then fling it like a frisbee just to see what happens.  POSSIBLY into water, it will depend if I have that around.


So whoop-de-doop and okie-dokey, my latest idea is inventing and falsifying made-up road signs.  NOT in a way that might harm people.  I understand that STOP signs and deer crossing signs are things that people need for safety and security, but you gotta admit there are some pretty unnecessary ones.

"BUMP."

"DIP."

So if it's something like THAT I say change it up!


Children and other vandals like to do a thing where they spray-paint the number "1" in front of the 65-mile-per-hour speed limit so that motorists will be tricked into thinking that the actual speed limit is 165 miles per hour.  Such a classic prank.  Guess what, though.  We got computers now.

Just print out a completely colorized letter "C" and paste it over the "Dip" sign, which nobody needs anyway.  Hundreds of people driving by.  "C?  What does that MEAN?"

The cops will eventually come and peel it off and throw it out.  Then you just print and re-paste a new one.  So easy.  Keep doing it every day for your WHOLE LIFE until you are CAUGHT.

"C" is for "Cookie," by the way.


(I do not believe that this is the legitimate Cookie Monster.  Seems more like a relative.)

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More on girl toys

and no, not THOSE kind of "girl toys."  If that's what you're Googling for, please unplug your computer and phone your parole officer or clergyman.


Strawberry Shortcake and her friends had hair that smelled like different kinds of fruit.  Did anybody O.D.?  That is a RHETORICAL question, but at the same time, somebody by default, in life, had to do the absolute most Strawberry Shortcake head-smelling ever.  Just a girl (I hope) in her room, all alone.


"My Little Pony" possibly the most boring children's toy ever.  There should have been a bad guy that ate them.

Most VERY little girls have "baby dolls."  Usually more than one, which I have to say is a pretty realistic system.  Some of them can cry and/or wet their pants, but only some.  Not all.

Easy Bake Oven?  Not too useful unless your way-older brother is a pothead.

She-ra?  Lame.  Imagine the marketing decision.  "He-man with a VAGINA."

Every line of BOY action figures has at least one token girl mixed in.  G.I. JOE had "Lady Jaye."  and Baroness.  They should have fought and then started kissing, at least once.  (I suppose we could still make that happen, but who has the time?)

WAY long ago little girls used to have PAPER dolls.  Kids also used to get yelled at for "playing with matches."  Coincidence?

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Barbie

Girl toys are inferior.  The reason?  No fighting.  He-man fought with Skeletor.  G.I. Joe fought with Cobra.  Barbie doesn't fight with anybody.  (Which, come on, have you ever MET a GIRL?  That's pretty unrealistic.)

Imagine a Barbie MOVIE.  What would happen in it?  She would drive her corvette around, hang out in her jacuzzi for awhile, change clothes 95 times, and then go to her job at the pet clinic.

Like any PROPER protagonist, she needs an arch-nemesis.  Therefore I propose...

...Ruth.

Ruth is dark-haired, SLIGHTLY overweight, single, and bitter.  Also the Ruth doll's hair smells like trashy perfume and a box of red wine mixed in a cheap blender.

How come there has never been a scented Barbie?  There should be one that smells like a mermaid that is also a princess.  It would be the all-time top seller.


Back when Cabbage Patch Dolls were all the rage, some parents could not afford them.  So they tried to fool their children by sewing together a home-made version.

Imagine a home-made Barbie.  All weird and warped and flat-chested.  and married.


It is no secret that Barbie dolls spend 99% of their time naked and/or headless.  Ken, too.  How did they decide how to appropriately sculpt these naked doll anatomies?  Were there MEETINGS?

Corporate Stooge #1: How do we address the Ken doll's...thing?

Corporate Stooge #2: Glad you asked.  I suggest a faint bulge.  Here are some drawings.


There has been a Barbie doll created for nearly every occupation. Girls want to dream and relate. ("Now she's a NURSE.  Now she works at MCDONALDS." etc.)

How come there's no handicapped versions?  There can't be a blind Barbie?  The accessories would be easy.  Sunglasses and a cane.  Maybe a dog.

Blind children would enjoy such a thing, especially young boys going through puberty.

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How to heal mosquito bites

#1 solution is boiling oil in an eye-dropper.  You got to be QUICK and ACCURATE though, otherwise the eye-dropper will just melt.

The most practical way is sandpaper.  It hurts like hell but it gets the job done.  Sandpaper tends to be too crass for ladies, so if you are one of those use a pumice stone instead.

If you have needles around the house (and if you do, shame on you) you can experiment by injecting various things into the mosquito bite.  Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Mr. Clean, etc.

Rubbing vinegar on the mosquito bite and then topping it with a spoonful of baking soda MIGHT work.  It is messy, though.  So do it outside.

Salsa?  That's what I've been trying lately.  Spoon a bit of salsa onto your mosquito bite and then Scotch-tape a Tostitos "round" chip to it.  It keeps the salsa in place.  I prefer "hint of lime."


Here is what Mr. Clean looks like when he has mosquito bites on his shiny bald head.

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Unwanted guests at the summer picnic

No, I don't mean your Uncle Ernie that squirts himself a handful of pickle relish and eats it as if it's the same as eating a regular pickle.

No, I don't mean your cousin's latest baby mama that has those disgusting quarter-sized earlobe implants.

and NO, I certainly don't mean your chain-smoking Aunt Eileen that exhales cigarette smoke directly onto the brownies.

I of course mean...

...insects.

Ants are fools.  They have all this alleged strength, but can't coordinate.  Therefore they never get anything good.  Imagine an army of ants working together to steal a cherry tomato, dip it IN the onion dip, and then carry it home.  Never happens though, they don't think right.

Conversely, flies are tons smart.  They only have a lifespan of like 24 hours so they have the good sense to land themselves in the baked beans and quickly devour as much as they can.  "I was just born and am also gonna DIE right after this so I better land here and eat QUICKLY.  #yolo  Ooh, look, pasta salad."

Bees never seem interested in the food.  They just show up to fly in your face and in your ear and to land on your arm, trying to ruin things in general.  Invading the party all like, "Hmmm, what's goin on here, some buuulllshit?  We'll see about THAT."


Those are pretty much the only three insects that care about your picnic.  It's never "Oh my GOD there's a GRASSHOPPER in the POTATO SALAD!"

How come a butterfly doesn't care about your corn-on-the-cob?  They are BUTTERflies.

"Awww look, a ladybug landed right on my hot dog.  How cute."

*CHOMP*


How many ants would it take to carry a watermelon?  Or at least a decent-sized slice of watermelon?  It will never actually happen in life but some scientist should calculate it.  It's what we pay them for.

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Fishing: The BIGGEST, LONGEST, MOST HARDCORE fishing blog EVER

Okay I lied about most of that.

Most fishermen are notorious liars.  They are always claiming to have captured a fish way bigger than the one they actually caught.

Liar: I swear I caught the biggest fish EVER.

Skeptic: Oh yeah?  Where is it?

Liar: I just ATE it.


Fool-proof lie?  Or no?  Let's delve.


Do fishermen lie about catching other types of extra-large seafood life?  Calamari would be the best one.  You could invent some pretty tall tales.

There are different kinds of fishing.


One-man fishing:

Two-man fishing:

Groups:

The problem with two-man fishing is that one guy always wants to talk.  Talking scares the fish, especially if you are arguing ABOUT "Phish."

Fisherman #1: They are GOOD.  LISTEN to this.

Fisherman #2: No I will not listen.  They are clearly just trying to be the Grateful Dead.

Fisherman #1: NO.  They are a LITTLE DIFFERENT.

Fisherman #2: Calm down.  You are SCARING the FISH.

Fisherman #1: THEY ARE ALMOST AS GOOD.  JUST GIVE THEM A CHANCE.

Fisherman #2: NEVER!

Fisherman #1: I WILL MURDER YOU WITH THIS BOAT OAR.


...aaand so on.


What do fish do when they are scared?  Poop in the water?  They do that anyway.

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Hobby Lobby: Sinful or Evil?

Errrr, wait.  That's not right.

How about...

Hobby Lobby: Sinful or NECESSARY?


I heard there was some bad shit going down at the Hobby Lobby so I decided to go there, just kind of to case the joint.  No one was actively picketing, so I assumed it was safe to go in.

Hobby Lobby was not what I expected.  Based on what I heard in the MEDIA, I expected it to be a lot more Puritanical, selling mostly birdhouses and jelly jars and whatnot.  Instead it was very expansive, well-lit, and colorful, with lots of fun games and stickers and toys to look at.  They had the birdhouses too, they were everywhere.

So needless to say, I quickly got lost, and a salesgirl came over to ask me if I needed help finding something.  I sort-of panicked.

Me: Umm, yes, where are the home wine-making kits?

Lobbyist: Wine-making kits?  We don't sell those, sir.

Me: WHAT?  But this is the HOBBY Lobby, and that's the best hobby of ALL.

Lobbyist: Sorry.

Me: Okay, forget that.  Just direct me to the model train sets.

She looked away and sighed.


I guess there's this hugely divisive issue now where Hobby Lobby doesn't think it should have to provide certain types of birth control to its medically-insured employees.  There are tough arguments on both sides.  Well I have a good idea for a perfect compromise that would appease EVERYBODY.  Hobby Lobby should pay for the birth control on condition that, honor system, the employees promise not to use the birth control AS birth control but instead for the exclusive purpose of making "crafts."  Like a portrait of Jesus made of morning-after pills instead of macaroni.  Then once they GET the birth control, the employees can do whatever they WANT with it, and Hobby Lobby would be none the wiser.  The girls get their much-needed health care, and the Hobby Lobby gets to save face.  Everybody wins.


Speaking of winning, here are some sick-ass model trains.

 

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Hebrews make good hot dogs

They don't sell as well as some of the other brands, though.  Not enough advertising.  They should see if they can steal Michael Jordan away from Ballpark Franks as a spokesperson.  All they'd have to do is impress him with the product, sign him to a more lucrative deal, and get him to convert to Judaism.

Imagine a TV ad in which Michael Jordan takes a bite of a Ballpark Frank, shuts his eyes and winces, and then immediately throws it out.

Then he puts on a yamaka and someone hands him a Hebrew National and he takes a bite and says, "Now that's a SLAM DUNK!"  The Ballpark Frank people would feel angry and betrayed but too bad.  Michael Jordan played BASKETBALL, not baseball.  Well I guess he tried baseball for awhile but he stunk at it.


Some recipes include hot dogs cut up into little chunks.  Franks and beans, for example.  That's a good homestyle dish, how come you can't get it at Boston Market?  They could put hot dogs in the macaroni and cheese too, everyone would like that.  Italian restaurants could offer them in the spaghetti, like on the kids menu.


I like when hot dogs have cheese in the middle.  How do they get it in there, though?  There's no holes like with Twinkies.  Could they infuse other things?  Imagine a hot dog with the ketchup already INSIDE it.  That way the ketchup and mustard wouldn't have to touch, it would be way fancier.

There's also this relish dispute as to whether sweet or dill is better.  I personally like both.  Does anybody ever get wacky and mix them TOGETHER?  I would like to find such a product on a supermarket shelf one day, and I bet a lot of other people would too.  Heinz, call me.


Happy 4th.  (of July)

Has anyone ever put the stick part of a bottle rocket through a hot dog, the long way, before launching it?  That would be pretty wasteful but I wonder what would happen?  If you do it at least use Oscar Mayer, don't waste a kosher one.

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