Gourmet Chapstick

Good evening holiday shoppers!  (or morning, if you're on the other side of "the pond.")

So if you're like anyone else, you've been wondering what to get everybody for Hanukkah.  (or Christmas, if you're on the other side of THAT.)

The perfect gift is something everyone would want to have and use, but nobody has it and nobody uses it.  That's what a mall Santa told me while on his break, at least.  But before I could get any more info out of him, a security guard informed me that I was not permitted in the Santa Claus break room and also suggested that I leave the mall entirely unless I intended to "buy something."  I looked over to Santa for some backup, but he was busy making aggressive eye contact with the security guard and nodding.

Whatever.

Everyday grocery items can make excellent and thoughtful gifts, but you have to stylize them right.  You can't just hand somebody a long rope of smoked sausage along with a pack of Kraft singles, you have to go to Hickory Farms and have them box up something nice for you. Don't just give somebody a handful of Life Savers all loose, or even a ziplock bag full of all the different kinds.  It has to be that special Life Savers "book."  No giving cash, even if it's a suspiciously round gift-card-type amount.  If your gift is a jar of mayonnaise, it better DAMN well be made out of caviar.

Nobody passes out Chapstick for Christmas.  How come?  It's very seasonal.  Just like the song.

iT's a cHaPaStiCk wOrLd iN tHe wiNtEr
wHeN yOuR LiPs aRe aLL bAnDaGeD aND bLuE

Is Chapstick not FANCY enough?  Well to quote Santa Claus, when he first put Rudolph in the mix, let's change up some shit already.

Imagine if somebody gave you an assortment of wine and cheese flavored Chapstick at your office gift exchange.  Would you be UPSET?  Would you toss it in the garbage?  Would you try each one exactly once and then re-gift it all the next year?  NO!  You'd be thrilled.  Imagine strutting around with special champagne Chapstick when everybody else only has cherry.

People would be so impressed.

"Hey is that Grey Poupon CHAPSTICK?!"

"Yes.  Kiss me you fool."

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Who in hell eats a giant-size gumball at the mall?

More and more, everywhere you look (n. Full House), people are starting to care more and more about money.

So curious.

What prompted this?  According to the MEDIA, it's the people that HAVE money that are responsible.  and how do you get to BE one of those people that has money?

Nobody knows.

NOBODY.

:0


Think of the number of gumballs you've had inside of your mouth within your lifetime.  Now multiply that figure by the number of times the fingering area of a gumball machine has ever, EVER been professionally cleaned.  The answer might surprise you!

How do gumballs get manufactured?  Is there a factory in Taiwan cranking them out RIGHT NOW?  If so, What flavors?  Do they CARE?

"Oh good, yellow gumball coating today.  That's my favorite."

"WHY?  How could that POSSIBLY be anybody's favorite gumball color?  Explain how!  Explain it to me!  I need answers!"

"Well, what's better?"

"Blue!"

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It has been awhile since anyone wrote new knock knock jokes

So I tried.  Let me know if these are good.

#1: Knock Knock.
#2: Who's There?
#1: I am a WHALE.  Bumping my head against your door AGGRESSIVELY while making beautiful whale sounds in a panic while actively drying out and dying.
#2: Who is this REALLY?


Jokes are not easy to write.  For every William Shakespeare there are only like 10 George Carlins.  (Do the math.)

Therefore, I tried again.

#1: Knock Knock.
#2: Who's There?
#1: Our relationship.
#2: Key is under the mat.
#George Carlin: Ever notice keys are always under MATS?


Okay I will really, really try now.  Original knock knock jokes in concurrency with nature's most current popular baby names.


#1: Knock Knock.
#2: Who's There?
#1: Aiden.
#2: Aiden Who?
#1: Aid-ing myself in gettin beaten up.


#1: Knock Knock
#2: Who's There?
#1: Olivia.
#2: Olivia Who?
#1: Oliv-ia (heard as all-of-ya) better not make jokes about my name.

Girl names are really difficult to mock.  Except certain very old ones like "Gert" and "Fanny" and "Ass."


#1: Knock Knock
#2: Who's There?
#1: a very romantic vampire
#2: Yeah well what is your name, though?
#1: Sven.
#2: No it isn't.
#1: Charlie, then.
#2: Charlie vous francais?
#1: WHAT?
#2: WHAT???
#3: Everybody calm down.

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Latest Ambition: Fake Food Critic

Times have changed, anybody can criticize food now.  Usually e-Criticize.

So just bring a clipboard and pen wherever you eat and wear a pair of fake glasses and the waitress will treat you like you are God. (The REAL God.)

It's a victimless crime.  They make extra-sure your food is correct, and then you personally hand them a fake diploma and ALSO give them a big tip. You were gonna tip anyway.  Why not pretend to be CRITICAL of FOOD?

"Hmmm, I am not certain that this Conehead Sundae is correct.  It seems unhappy.  I will eat it but not pay."

Are actual licensed food critics obligated to finish their meals if they are unhappy?

"This fish is cold and hard and BLEEDING.  I must fulfill my report, though."

Cold, bloody bites.

Over and over.

and over.

("baxxk" is a term so evil that only a conehead sundae could utter it.)

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Pennies and fountains

I swear to whoopity dang God, the thing people like best besides FREE stuff is WISHING for stuff.  Free things are free, whereas wishes usually cost a penny at most. It's only 1 cent, but it still technically costs "more," and everybody hates that.  I have spotted and scrutinized many cheapskates over the years, watching the skies for shooting star freebies and feverishly rubbing random lamps with false hopes.  No more of THAT, I say.  Let's get into wishing wells and fountains (not literally).

Sometimes people toss higher denominations into the water.  Nickels, dimes, even QUARTERS.  Talk about rich.  Personally I like to throw mostly-used-up gift cards in.  There has to be SOME money left on it, otherwise it's just litter.

Imagine printing a fake $100 bill with your computer and placing it in the penny fountain at the mall.  Would someone take it?  Imagine how low you would feel if another person saw and confronted you.

"Is that yours?"

"Yes I just accidentally dropped this in there."

"You dropped a fake $100 bill in the penny fountain?"

"It isn't fake."

"Then how come Alfred E. Neuman is on it?"

"Because...I am bad...at remembering Presidents.  Good day, sir."

(THAT is some humor writing.)

.....

...

.


Back to the freebies...

Rubbing lamps?  Don't like it, too masturbatory.  (Is that a word?  Is now.  TM Captain Dan.)

Shooting star is complex.  So difficult to prove that you saw one.

***nEw iDeA***

Lie about seeing shooting stars, especially during romantic late night walks and sensitive business negotiations.  (TM Captain Dan.  If you get laid or rich from this idea please send me a large check.)


Lamest wish when tossing a penny into a fountain?  "Please go in."

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Monkeys and apes are different

Not every ape is a monkey, and not every monkey is an ape.

That is STRAIGHT from the BIBLE.

Hector 3:14

ALL of them are cool animals, though.  and should be ADMIRED.

Take the chimpanzee, for example.  They appear in television shows AND movies..

(This is a quick example of a movie.)

I got kicked out of the zoo for bringing in my own beverage.  It wasn't even alcoholic, it was Mountain Dew mixed with coffee.

WHY DID THEY CARE?

"You can't bring that in, sir."

"Why not?"

"It will upset the giraffes."

"Well I am gonna SECRETLY enjoy this combination of Mountain Dew and coffee and enjoy the giraffes ANYWAY.  From the apparently ILLEGAL viewing point." (the other side of the fence)

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Stop drinking yogurt!

How lazy can you be?

Everyone loves yogurt.  The yogurt section at the supermarket is always so crowded and crammed. Scientists and astronauts and supermarket managers and other intellectuals have tried putting their heads together but cannot figure out how to allocate yogurt to consumers at an efficient rate.

They figured out how to get them to CONSUME it faster, though.  "Just squirt it down your mouth!  No chunks and no spoon!"

The chunks are the BEST PART!  When you see the ACTUAL strawberry on the spoon it's so exciting.

Did Yoplait steal the idea of Go-Gurt from V8?  There seem to be a lot of products for people that want to be lazy AND healthy.  Remember those milkshakes that were supposed to make you skinny?  THEY WERE MILKSHAKES.  What's coming next?  "New miracle diet!  You can DRINK banana pudding!"


So as everyone knows, the latest most popular trend is GREEK yogurt.  People crowd and shove each other at the store trying to get it as if it's as important as a Cabbage Patch Doll giving birth to ANOTHER Cabbage Patch Doll.

So it is obvious where this is all headed.

The Greek yogurt "smoothie."


I do not really understand what "smoothies" are.  I only drink water and tea and alcohol and Tang.  (NOT at the same time.)  But it seems like a winner of an idea.  Can't you picture some sweaty person coming home from the gym all like "I just had the greatest workout, followed by a Greek yogurt smoothie!"

"Good for you!  I'm finishing my slice of fish oil pie!"

Certain foods should only be in certain forms, man.

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