References required

Most people have at least attempted to apply for jobs, especially by now.  In order to get a job, you need references.

There are two kinds of references that you need.  The first is former employers.  That's a good one.  If you make up some wild claim about having worked at Sunglasses Hut, but it turns out to be a complete lie, you are probably not an employable person.  So don't lie about something like that, EVER.


Then there is also this thing where they ask for "personal" references.  WHY?  You gotta come up with three people that know you but also are not related to you.  Like that proves anything.


*rInGtOnE*

Reference: Hellooo?

Home Depot:  Yes hello this is Home Depot calling, how are you today?

Reference: I'm okay I guess.

Home Depot: We just wanted to call to make sure you KNEW Captain Dan.

Reference: Well yes, yes I do.

Home Depot: Okay, thanks.  Sorry to bother you, we just wanted to be certain that he wasn't an axe murderer or something, heh.

Reference: Well how do you know that I'm not an axe murderer TOO?

Home Depot: ...

Reference: Well?

Home Depot: You have just outsmarted the HOME DEPOT.

(Home Depot has to be especially wary of axe murderers because they sell axes there.)


The "no relatives" thing can be a huge problem, because if you're anything like me, all of your friends are unhelpful dicks.

*rInGtOnE*

Friend: Sup?

Pizza Hut: Hi this is Pizza Hut calling.  How are you today, sir?

Friend: Been better.

Pizza Hut: I'm glad to hear that.  Anyway we were just calling to make sure you KNEW Captain Dan.

Friend: Fo sho.

Pizza Hut: So, should we hire him?

Friend: FUCK no.  I hate that guy.

Pizza Hut: OH.  Well, I...

Friend: and fuck you too, by the way.  Your pizza sucks.

*bip*

(I feel that *bip* has replaced *click* as the modern version of hanging up on somebody.)


So then with nowhere else left to turn, keeping in mind that relatives are apparently too biased to be credible, you call your mother.

*beebadeebadeebadee* (That's how landline phones sound, lately.)

Mom: Hello?

Applicant: Hey it's me.

Mom: Oh I'm SO glad you called, I was so WORRIED.

Applicant: Really?  About what?

Mom: Oh, you know.  Just in general.

Applicant: Great.  So hey mom, do you know anybody that is not in our family?

Mom: No.

Applicant: What?  Why not?

Mom: Cause why would I?

Applicant: Alright, nevermind, then.

Mom: I'm concerned about your drinking, and you seem overdue for a haircut, and let me tell you what your Aunt Maureen did.  She...

*bip*


So since there ain't nobody good out there I am here to offer my services as a reference.  Just e-mail me if you need somebody.  I am even willing to tell lies for no pay, say that you're good and everything, cause what's it to me?  Plus they never call anyway.

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