The BIG LIST of observations (Volume 2)

I ain't no expert on torture or execution but boiling somebody in oil seems really unnecessary.  As if water can't get hot enough.  and what a waste of good oil, geez.  So stop doing it.

Sometimes CDs would have "bonus" or "hidden" tracks at the end.  You just wait long enough and something else plays.  Not too many other products can do that.  If you buy a bar of soap, you know there's no place in it to hide more soap.

Well okay I know that sometimes a bottle of shampoo will say "33% more free!" on it, but come on.  That shit ain't free.  and it sure as hell ain't hidden.

If you are career-ambitious and want to drop off a resume somewhere, a good idea is to tape the resume to a pizza box and then drop off the pizza.  Your resume has a much better chance of getting looked at that way.  This is especially effective if the job you're after is delivering pizzas.

If I ever get a job as a beekeeper I am gonna carry a sword at my waist.  I feel that would really complete the beekeeper ensemble.

Oreo cookies are the only food that people like to dissect before they eat it.  I bet they'd be equally fun to construct.  I'd say they should market Oreos as a kit but you know what would happen.

Sometimes I will be driving through a neighborhood and I will see a sign that says "Deaf Child Area."  I always wonder how the deaf kid feels about that.  Maybe he's cocky.  "Y'all betta recognize."

Why do people say it's so dangerous to tug on Superman's cape?  Does he get really mad and violent if you do that?  That doesn't seem like him.

Stop changing James Bond!  As soon as I get used to the new one it's a different guy all of a sudden.  Just like the President.

How come jug bands only ever have one jug?  If you had more than one you could make more sounds.  I think this is why jug band music is not too popular.

What is heaven like?  Nobody knows.  I hope when you get up there it's just God bowling and crying.

One thing I gotta start doing is carrying around a Wall Street Journal.  I think that would make me look important and busy.  Just act like I can't go anywhere without it, and if someone ever asks about my investments I can say something like, "I'm just throwing my money away, buddy."  (See that would be TRUE since I wasted money on the paper and didn't read it.)

a neat job would be to be the guy that draws the little pictures in the dictionary.  I don't think the dictionary people would care or notice if you drew in some of your family and friends.  "Look dad, you're playing the oboe."

I like when honey is in one of those bottles that's shaped like a bear.  I like to pretend it's Mrs. Butterworth's pet.

How come people that collect weapons (guns, knives, etc.) are always cleaning them?  I guess they can't think of any other reason to handle them.  You only really need to get them out if your home is being invaded, unless maybe you're really good at juggling.

Pro athletes like to carry guns around and party and gamble.  That reminds me of the Old West.  I bet less people would have been shot in the Old West if they had more sports to play.  Probably too hard to get organized.  Everybody got shot before they could make enough friends to start a team.

Athletes are into gun culture, but I wish they were also into cowboy hats and old-tyme piano music.  Wouldn't everybody love an NBA squaredance?  a bunch of hot strippers could be in it.

Hunting is a fun and stimulating activity, but a lot of people won't participate because they don't want to harm animals.  If you feel this way then I recommend just sneaking into the woods and trying to throw a deer a surprise party.  Balloons, noisemakers, everything.  The deer is probably going to run away but that's okay because I'm pretty sure they don't eat cake.


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