Cranberry sauce: Canned vs fresh

Kids are stupid when it comes to food.  Irrationally picky.  "My corn flakes are too soggy!"  "This meatball is not round enough!"

SHUT-UP.

It then becomes increasingly bizarre when an adult person is that way.  "No WAY can I eat chicken noodle soup if a noodle is hanging out of the bowl."  "There are not enough vowels in these Alpha-Bits!"

Again, SHUT IT.

People get weirdly mad at their breakfast foods.  How come?  Just grumpy at the beginning of the day?  Old people are always (ALWAYS) sending back eggs in diners.  "16 pancakes are not enough.  Stack it HIGHER for me, ya big BITCH."  Your bowl of Lucky Charms does not have ENOUGH purple horseshoes in it, and you feel robbed.

Robbed by a leprechaun, which is the worst kind of robbery.


So then there's this Thanksgiving thing where certain people INSIST that the cranberry sauce needs to be this exact log with rims.  If you attempt to make a FRESH cranberry dish at least one relative will be offended.

Somebody, perhaps me, should act all STAUNCH about Stove Top Stuffing.  "It just ain't Thanksgiving without Stove Top!  SCREW your dang darn homemade stuffing to HELL."

Little kids prefer Kraft Macaroni and Cheese to the homemade kind.  WHY?  Because it's orange?  I will freely admit that orange is a popular color, but other colors are nice too!

There is this microwavable version of Kraft Mac and Cheese that is called "Easy" Macaroni and Cheese.  Like the stove version is so difficult.  Who screws THAT up?  "Oh, I forgot to heat the water."

and don't EVEN get me started on this war between the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese people and the Velveeta Shells people.  There has been way too much violence over that already.

Happy Thanksgiving, Pilgrims!  (and Indians)


Here is a person that will never have a urinary tract infection:

Click HERE.

Energy drinks: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted November 19, 2008)

Everybody in the world likes to complain about being tired and not getting enough sleep.  Instead of just resting more, most people now turn to energy drinks.

Where did energy drinks come from?  Japan.  People in Japan draw a lot of cartoons and build a lot of cars and computers so they gotta stay alert and focused.  Now the trend has crossed the Pacific and taken America by storm.

Energy drinks are especially popular with young people.  Young people have important lives and need to stay alert in case a night meeting goes long or there's a missile launch.

Of course the truth is that 99% of the people buying energy drinks are LAZY LOSERS that have no good reason to stay awake.  Next time I see a kid buying an energy drink I am gonna yell at him.  "Why do you need that, are you a late night security guard or something?  JERK."

You know who doesn't need energy drinks?  a FARMER.  Farmers get up at 4am to milk cows and plow fields, fueled by nothing but good country bacon and eggs and a good night's sleep.  Well sometimes they do cocaine I guess but mostly it's bacon, eggs, and sleep.

DO YOU REALLY THINK ENERGY DRINKS ARE SAFE?  If you were going in for surgery and the doctor said "This will be a long night!" and started chugging a Red Bull would you be cool with that?

I think Barack Obama needs to come forward and condemn energy drinks.  People like to listen to that guy.  He should say, "I don't need that crap, I drink great American COFFEE!"  I feel the President saying "crap" would grab a lot of people's attention.

Ben Franklin did not need energy drinks to stay productive, he just went to bed early.  We should all try to be more like Ben Franklin, except physically.  That guy was money.  (Pun INTENDED.)


Click HERE.

Wrangler jeans are for the toughest men

If you've ever seen a commercial for Wrangler jeans, you know that men that wear them are tough.  Brett Favre, for example.  Whether he's cutting grass, tossing a football around the yard, or loading bales of hay into the back of a pick-up truck for no apparent reason, he always wears his Wrangler jeans.

The reason?  Comfort.

Everyone is allowed to be comfortable, even tough men.  When a hunter tries on one of those orange vests or a pair of camo pants, he's allowed to complain to the tailor if they're "too snug."  The tailor will then flutter his arms and go running to the back all like "I'll get another pair of pants for you right away, SIR."  They are two men in need of reaching a pantual agreement.  Caring about how pants fit makes neither of them less tough.

Lately, though, Wrangler has gone a bit too far with this "V" vs "U" campaign.

They put the respective letters on the butt part of the pants in an attempt to be subtle, but as usual I was not fooled.  You see there is a lot of psychology involved in retail marketing.  "How do we get the consumer to regard our product as superior to the competitor's product?  Hmmm, let's see..."  I'm okay with good-natured subliminal advertising and all, the kind the makes children crave cigarettes, but there ain't too much subliminal about suggesting that if you buy a competitor's brand of jeans you will have a big "V" in your pants.

The BUTT part of jeans is the LEAST IMPORTANT PART.  Everyone knows that.  All of the comfort issues and potential injuries are in the front.  So just come out and say what you mean!  Unless you are wearing Wranglers, you have a certain part of the female anatomy that starts with a "v" and rhymes with a certain capital city of Saskatchewan and is also called the vagina.

Don't think you're being subtle, Wrangler, because you're NOT.  What exactly is the "U" supposed to stand for?  I haven't been able to figure it out.  Gotta be something MANLY, though.  Uncircumcised?  Urination difficulty?


Here are some TOUGH CUSTOMERS that would never consent to wearing vagina jeans:

Chuck Norris doesn't wear vagina jeans...

...he impregnates them.

Click HERE.

The Hip Hip Hippopotamus Blog

The hippopotamus is the most dangerous animal on Earth, including sharks.  (Sharks can't get at you as easily.)

It is the third-largest land mammal behind the elephant and the rhinoceros.  That's what I heard at least, although to me a hippo and a rhinoceros seem to be basically the same size.

(See?)

Hippos stick together in herds, but rarely interact.  Nobody knows why, including Dr. Phil and Jack Hanna.  It only takes a female hippo eight months to have a baby, so they have human-type women beat.  At least in THAT way.

Even though the hippo is dangerous, you never really hear too much about hippo attacks.  a good idea for a horror film, in MY opinion, would be a new take on Alfred Hitchcock's (did he get made fun of in school for being named that?) famous horror flick "The Birds," except with hippos.  Hungry HUNGRY hippos, just mauling and eating everybody.  Especially Jeremy Piven.

Sometimes the term "hippo" will get used as an insult towards fat people.  Like "GET OUT OF THE POOL, YOU HIPPO!" or "I'M SUING YOU FOR DIVORCE, YOU HIPPO!"  But since the hippo is also the most dangerous animal, I wonder if it's also ever a compliment.  Like how extra-tough or tenacious athletes get called lions and tigers sometimes.  "GO GET 'EM, TIGER!" and so on.

a basketball player has a great game and the coach  is like "You were a god damn HIPPO out there!  You KILLED 'em!"

Who is the Hungry Hungry Hippos world champion?  Do they do that?  Like with rock-paper-scissors and the Grammys?  It should be tradition to swallow a marble if you win.  Or at least a white gumball, since that's safer, but you don't get to chew.

Click HERE.

Bumper stickers are for people that like to argue

Otherwise why put one on there?  It's never any kind of total agreement sticker like "LET'S FIND A CURE FOR CANCER" or "CRIME IS BAD."  It's usually something that people are 50/50 on.  You're either "OBAMA" or "NOBAMA."

If you put a bumper sticker on your car, you do so because you want people to see and read it.  It's not like getting a secret tattoo on the body parts that only doctors and TSA hires get to look at.  EVERYONE will see.  and yet there are so many strange "arrest me" type choices.

The main way people like to argue these days is via (yes VIA) texting.  You are not allowed to text in the car anymore, you legally have to store up your anger for later.  There have been many arrests over this.  People texting while driving.  They do it because it's SO important IN THAT MOMENT to get a message to someone.  You cannot pull over before texting "jamal is a better daddy to his kid than you will EVER be to yours, stupid jerk eric"  There is simply no time.  Stupid jerks like Eric need to be told off IMMEDIATELY.


a lot of cars these days have neat modern devices.  Global Positioning Systems and cupholders and clocks.  Car manufacturers are also always competing to make THEIR cars the ones that employable people want to sit in and/or drive.  So even though, much like when I participate in charity walks, I always forget to ask for money I will now reveal yet another of my revolutionary ideas for free.

Electronic bumper stickers.

The wording changes based on mood or intention.  You speak into either a microphone or a similar microphone-type device and whatever you say is then displayed on the Electro Bumper screen. (Electro Bumper TM Captain Dan)

As an example, you could say:

"I LIKE THE GRATEFUL DEAD"

Then someone else with an Electro Bumper pulls up behind you with the message "GRATEFUL DEAD ARE OVERRATED"

Then you're like "FUQ U"

and they're like "EAT A DIQ"

(You cannot pronounce correctly-spelled profanity into your Electro Bumper or else a special police officer is automatically alerted and then quickly speeds up to arrest you.)


I hope that all of you will enjoy this service very much as soon as scientists help me invent it.

Meanwhile,

Click HERE.