2 for $20

What in hell is this?  Man, what a romantic first date.

Guy: Just so you know, I only have exactly $20 to spend.

Girl: Well what about the tip?

Guy: I did not think of that.

Girl: Also what about drinks?

Guy: FUCK.


In case you somehow DON'T know what I'm talking about, there has lately been this chain restaurant gimmick where they try to suck you in by offering certain meals for exact amounts of money.  Usually round numbers.  There's no nine-TEEN dollar Pizza Hut special buffet with shrimp and ham and other exotic ingredients.


Once in a WHILE at a restaurant somebody will try to up-sell you a rose or something, for your wife or mistress.

"Hey want to buy this flower for your lady?"

"NO.  Of COURSE not!"

They should do that with meatballs and other "toppings."

"Hey only $1 extra for a meatball.  Want to buy it?  Huh?  HUH?  HHHuuuuuuUUUUHHHH?"

"No, we don't need extra meatballs."


BUT!

What we DO need is a reality show in which overweight musicians compete at losing weight.  Or possibly gaining weight.  I don't know, which would people like better?  Imagine all of the Judds eating shepherd's pie out of a big trough in unison.  Imagine Fats Domino on a SCALE.


Introducing that hip new group... FATS AND THE MEATBALLS!

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Burger King will no longer let you "Have It Your Way"

It's no secret that Burger King has been downspiraling out of control.  They keep doing all sorts of wacky crap ever since they fell behind Wendy's in popularity.

Their latest social crime is that they are officially changing their "Have It Your Way" slogan, after FORTY YEARS, to "Be Your Way."  Not a good idea, it just sounds like they are mad and bitter.  Like when someone is being a stubborn asshole in life and the other person says something like "Fine, be that way" and storms off all angry.  That ain't good customer service!

"I would like extra ketchup, please."

"Whatever.  Be YOUR way."  and then they put the extra ketchup on all rude and hostile.

So as per usual, Burger King, it's up to me to tell you how to fix things.  If you want to get back in the game, you gotta go the "New Coke" route.  See the secret to business is that when people like something, you take it away for AWHILE, and then give it back to them so that they'll be all overjoyed and delighted.  Then sales go through the roof.  (Other examples: Twinkies and Star Wars.)

Therefore what you need to do to get your Whopper business booming again is to completely ban "Have It Your Way" type custom orders TEMPORARILY.

"Hold the pickles."

"NO!"

Everyone will be angry at Burger King.  But again, just for AWHILE.  Wait it out.  Then at some strategic point, like during the Superbowl or the Kentucky Derby, you launch an ad with a big-time public apology.  Here, I'll even write it for you.


"Dear honored guests.  Okay, you talked, we listened.  Therefore effective IMMEDIATELY, we are reinstating the "Have It Your Way" policy.  You can have whatever you want.  If you want lettuce on your rodeo cheeseburger for some reason, fine.  We will DO it.  If you would like to have your french fries served to you IN the milkshake, fine.  We will do that too.  If you want us to put the food in a previously-used Happy Meal carton to fool your kids, we'll do it.  ANYTHING.  Just please come back."


Marketing is not that hard.


Oh also since McDonalds doesn't use a clown as a spokesperson anymore, maybe you could steal that idea.

Example:

Or else the ghost of Dave Thomas.

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EGGPLANT!

Eggplant is like steak for vegetarians.  They love it!  I guess because it is the "meatiest" vegetable.

What goes on at vegetarian "Bar-B-Ques?"

"Hey you better flip that eggplant.  I like it MEDIUM-rare."


In fact there should be a version of Outback Steakhouse that's FOR vegetarians.

Server: G'day mate, would you like to start with a Bloomin Celery Butt?

Guest: No thanks, but we're ready to order.

Server: Okay mate, have you been here before?  We serve up our eggplant wood-grilled and extra spicy!

Guest: Yeah, we come here all the time, we know.

Server: Well wackamackadoo. (That's Australian language.)  What'll it be then, mates?  The 6 ounce eggplanter, 8 ounce, 14 ounce, or 29 ounce eggplant bongaroo?  If you finish THAT one you get your name on the wall and a free t-shirt!


Do meat-eaters ever eat eggplant WITH meat, or is that not allowed?  Like some eggplant pasta dish with chunks of hot dogs mixed in.

"Eggplant-and-baloney-sandwich."


Assuming not, there is this thing that meat enthusiasts like to do lately where they eat a "turducken," which is a chicken stuffed inside a duck inside a turkey.  There should be a veggie version of that TOO, like the eggplant is stuffed with a hard-boiled egg wrapped in seaweed.


An upside-down eggplant looks kind of funny, especially if you draw a face on it, like I did.

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Yoga pants

If you are a woman living in this century, and have ever attempted to wear jeans, everybody in the world has seen your butt.  That's just fact.  You ALL know what I mean.  Sooner or later you have to sit or crouch, and there's your butt.  RIGHT there.  Must be embarrassing.

So now there's suddenly this "yoga pants" phenomenon.  Girls love them, even the ones that don't actually DO yoga.  Gee, wonder why?  They obviously got fed up with people being afforded free glimpses (yes, GLIMPSES) at their butt cracks, and RESPONDED.

When it used to happen to men, it was called "plumber's crack."  What is it called now?  Most women don't "plumb."

Some ideas:

"Shopping-and-can't-find-the-right-size-on-a-low-shelf-crack."

"Kid-in-stroller-won't-stop-crying-crack."

Any good?  Probably too wordy.


Hey ladies, want a solution?  Just keep a sticker or piece of tape with angry eyes drawn on it at the tip of your butt crack at all times.  Might not feel too comfortable but lets face it, you never do anyway.

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Pretzel Wars: Hard vs Soft

Man, what a heated topic.

Besides educated people, who doesn't like walking around at the mall with a nice warm pretzel?  and conversely, what drunk at a bar can resist munching up the free, hard kind?

Are there ever FEUDS?  Imagine a hard-pretzel enthusiast going around the mall firing hard pretzel nuggets at the people eating soft pretzels.  With a slingshot.

"OW!  MY EYE!"

Then some snooty manager comes over.  "Get out of Sears.  RIGHT NOW!"

Who in hell eats pretzel STICKS?  That eliminates all the fun.  The whole point is the pretzel SHAPE.

I understand that a lot of people like to eat foods in shape-form, but not a STICK.  You gotta make it all fun like elephant-shaped macaroni and cheese and dinosaur ravioli.

SEE?

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Siamese Twin Jokes

HELLO all you stand-up comics out there that have been stealing and repeating my material for years.  Here's some advice to keep you going: There is nothing funnier than Siamese Twins.

Therefore you can have these jokes if you want them.


#1) If you were a Siamese Twin, would you rather be the guy on the right or the guy on the left?  I think it would really suck to be the guy on the left because anywhere you go you always have to be the designated driver.

#2) Do Siamese Twins take "selfies?"  How do they decide who gets to hold the camera?  Do they fight?  "I'm BETTER at it."

#3) DO THEY EVER WEAR MATCHING APRONS?  Either in the kitchen or in general.

#4) Most basic conversation Siamese Twins have while in bed at night: "MOVE OVER!"

#5) One Siamese Twin gets mad at the other at the movies because he keeps wanting to get up to go to the bathroom during the good parts.

#6) Hogging the hot water in the shower.

#7) Do they EVER "bro-hug?"

#8) Arguing over pizza toppings (they sort of HAVE to eat together).

#9) One annoys the other by reading over his shoulder.

#10) Headgames.  "Mom always liked me BETTER."


My apologies to all Siamese Twins in general, if they actually exist.  I have never been sure about that because I have never been to Siam.  I'm too afraid of that king they have.

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Oh wow, Monica Lewinsky wants MORE attention

She can't keep her mouth shut.  How ironic.

I'm sorry to have to tell you this Monica Lewinsky but you are never, ever, EVER, ever going to be known as anything but the girl that gave bjs to the President.  That's it, that sums up your life.

Do you deserve the right to repent and have good self-esteem?  Yes.  Do you deserve to feel sorry and be forgiven?  Yes.

But hey, how about NOT on TV and in magazines?  Stop trying to stick your face out there in public pretending you are going to be able to repackage yourself.  It cannot be erased.  You are the bj girl, forever.  Go hide.


Now does it seem to anyone else like kind of a coinkydink that Bill Clinton's wife might be about to run for President of the United States?  and then out of nowhere Monica suddenly decides to speak up about the affair she had with Hillary's alleged husband?  She is JEALOUS!  AM I RIGHT PEOPLE?

Does Monica Lewinsky VOTE?  If so, I wonder who for.  and also what goes on in the booth.

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Encyclopedia Brown 2015 version

I say 2015 instead of 2014 because I estimate it will take me about a year to finish the script.  All this Ukraine shit has got me a little bit preoccupied.  I should probably find a way to help fix that first.


Y'all remember Encyclopedia Brown, right?  He is this little kid that solves small mysteries around the neighborhood.  He runs a small-time detective agency out of his garage, 25 cents per day plus expenses.  They are very charming stories that children like.  So much like Batman and Star Wars and other things kids used to enjoy, I say it is time to exploit and ruin him.  Therefore I have some new ideas.

People love murder.  Somebody gets killed in almost every movie and television series, including Love Boat.

So the new version of Encyclopedia Brown will be more like "Law and Order" where you see a dead body under a SHEET right at the beginning and then Encyclopedia Brown gets 25 cents to figure out what happened.  (The actual police officers give him the quarter.)

His sidekick Sally will be in the movie to help him, but will be older and unrealistically attractive like that girl from X-Files.  Oh, there might also be science fiction involved in Encyclopedia Brown 2015 since people love that, too.  I haven't really decided yet.  (It's not WRITTEN.)

If you like my ideas for a new Encyclopedia Brown franchise, please mail me a quarter to help get things moving.


This is Encyclopedia Brown:

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