Ant farms

What child wouldn't love his very own ant farm?  Probably all of the children that own or want video games, but part of being a parent is giving children presents that they hate sometimes.  This is done "for their own good."

an ant farm does not come with the ants included, for obvious reasons.  Ants only usually live up to six months.  The shelf life of the ant farm itself is much longer.  Ant farms may go unwanted for years.  They aren't too eye-catching when they're uninhabited.  If you ever buy one for somebody, I recommend waiting for the ants to arrive in the mail (you get a free mail-in ant coupon with your purchase) and already having them in place before you give it to them.  Much more impressive.  If you're going to wrap it for Christmas or whatever, be sure not to cover the air holes!

Which brings me to the topic of DEATH.  Since ants don't live very long, how do you get the dead bodies OUT?  Apparently the live ants will carry the dead to the surface, and then there's a special tool for extracting them.  But what if your ants turn out to be jerks that don't do what they're supposed to?  What if they just leave a bunch of dead bodies strewn about the colony?  You can't "open" the ant farm, all the ants would escape.  Yelling at them about it would not work.  They're ants, they're gonna do whatever they want.

and what if too many ants die within a short span and the dead quickly begin to outnumber the living?  I know that ants are STRONG but carrying out all those bodies seems like it could get overwhelming.  Also psychologically devastating.  Two ants are working to get the dead body of a friend to the surface...

"Hey Mel, we're almost there!  Just a few inches to go and Larry will be on his way to Ant Heaven.  Just a little further, Mel...

"Uhhh, Mel?  Why aren't you moving?

"Mel?"

"MEL!?!

"Shit."


The first commercially-sold ant farm was patented in 1931 by Dr. Frank Austin, a kindly old professor at Dartmouth College who really liked ants.  Like most things originally invented by a well-meaning older gentleman, the ant farm quickly fell into the hands of a heartless millionaire.  Milton Levine, the co-founder of "Uncle Milton's Toys," somehow wound up trademarking the term "ant farm" and has since been credited as its inventor.  Details of how this happened are sketchy, but I hope Dr. Frank didn't get roughed up or anything.

He's dead now, but Uncle Milton's still-alive lawyers are so protective of the term "ant farm" that if you try to use it without permission they will SUE YOU.  If it's not an official Uncle Milton Ant Farm (TM) they insist that you call it a "formicarium."  Or else.  It's kind of like those greedy people that own the rights to the song "Happy Birthday" and will file a lawsuit if you if you sing it on television without paying royalties.  The Uncle Milton Toy company wants you to give them money for being able to SAY "ant farm."

I am not afraid of them.  I am not gonna say "formicarium," I am gonna say "ant farm."

Ant farm, ant farm, ant farm.  There.

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