Priests

Are you allowed to dress that exact way if you're not one?  I know that it's illegal to impersonate people like police officers and lifeguards, but what if you just really like wearing black clothes and a white collar as a fashion statement or Halloween costume?  Can you get in TROUBLE for that?  Halloween is coming up SOON, so I need to know.  Any of you ACTUAL cops or lifeguards that are reading this please e-mail me to tell me what the official rules are.


Times have become modern recently.  a lot of people text or otherwise use their phone while at work.  Do priests do that?  Imagine getting caught.  Maybe you wouldn't be bold enough to take your phone out during a SUNDAY mass or funeral or whatever, but what about one of those Tuesday masses where there's only four very old ladies sitting there, all spread far apart within the PEWS?  That would have to make it very tempting to whip your phone out and check in real quick, like during an extra-long hymn or something.

Old Lady: Father, were you LOOKING at your PHONE during the HYMN?

Priest: Ummm...yes.  BUT!  It was an emergency text from the Pope.  He says that it's okay to be gay now.


Back to the clothes.  If you DID choose to show up at a church dressed like a priest and started walking around and shaking hands and saying prayers and trying to consult people in the confessional, what would actually happen?  There's really no security there, only "ushers."  I hope that if someone ever tries to do that, two larger-sized ushers grab the imposter priest by both arms and forcibly dunk the person's head into the Baptismal fountain for an extra-scary amount of time.  Then you get verbally warned not to try to pretend to be a priest ever again and get "ushed" out into the STREET.


a Confession "app" would be all the rage these days.  You just Tweet the priest whatever you did wrong.

Young lady: i had adultrey (sic)

Priest: do a rosary

Young lady: k


Not getting to have ANY sex EVER is a main reason nobody wants to be a priest anymore.  There are other reasons though.  Not EXCITING enough.

Human beings have an instinct to want to save and help each other, make things better.  People are still willing to accept dangerous tasks like being a police officer or fireman.  But not a priest.  The reason?  No EXCITEMENT.

Change that shit up!  (Sorry, Father.)  First of all, priests should get special cars with lights and sirens.  an alarm goes off at the rectory, and the priest springs into action.

"Out of my WAY!  Someone is SINNING!"

"Someone needs LAST RITES!  I better HURRY!"

Then the priest gets to slide down a long pole and hop into his car and race to the scene.  Or if it's one of those older gibberish-speaking priests that could no way ever slide down a pole they could use one of those big spiraled slides like children enjoy at the playground.  There could be pricey and elaborate decorations on it, or it could just be made of expensive stained glass to begin with.

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