Soccer

Well for the better part of last week, half of Americans were actually getting into soccer. To their credit, the other half remained steadfast against it. These were mostly 20-somethings that wear hoodies in the summer and think everything "sucks," and also super American sports guys that watch full three-hour basketball games.

Anyway, whether you watched or didn't watch, if you're American you probably didn't know what was going on. So now I will tell you all about soccer.

Soccer was invented by ancient Chinese warriors that would kick around the heads of their vanquished foes to celebrate winning a battle. Eventually they made a game out of it with actual rules and stuff. and they all had hot moms for some reason. To this day, the tradition has continued, but it's a bit more structured.

If you incur a penalty in soccer, you are given a "card." There are yellow cards, red cards, and black cards. The yellow card is for a minor offense like tripping. If it's something more serious, like punching, you get a red card. The red card means you're kicked out of the game. If you do something REALLY bad you get the black card, which means you're banned from soccer for life. So far no one has ever received the black card.

The EXCITEMENT in soccer comes when somebody scores a goal. This usually happens one or no times per game. It's sort of like staring at an egg waiting for a baby chick to hatch. You wait for a long time and nothing happens, but when it finally DOES happen, woo boy!

Another thing about soccer is that they never stop the clock. They just play the whole half with no commercial breaks. Nobody can go to the bathroom! Also there's no time for the t-shirt cannon, kiss cam, mascot dance-off, sausage race, mule waterslide, etc. So yeah, Americans don't like it.

Do any countries like soccer LESS than America? Yes. The Dominican Republic, Canada, and the Vatican.

I am working on another script for Disney in which a cartoon animal is really good at soccer. The gag would be that he (or she!) has no legs, so he can only play with his head. But I haven't found the right animal yet. a snail? Too slow. a snake maybe? Fish and dolphins won't work.

Maybe instead of soccer it should be about a REALLY FAST snail that wins a RACE.

Idea overload. Any input, get back at me.

Oil spill STILL NOT CLEANED UP

Come on already. Everyone is getting upset.

What's up with England? They are like a little goof-off brother that we're always having to bail out of trouble. England had a fight with mom so she kicked it out of the house, and now it needs to crash on your couch for a few days. England got a DUI and can't drive itself to work at Gamestop anymore so you have to give it a lift. England forgot grandma's birthday, so you had to add its name to the card.

So why do we put up with them? I think it's the music. All those great British invasion tunes are like your little brother's baby pictures. "Hey remember this? I'm not so bad."

Maybe the solution is peer pressure. Ireland, Scotland, and that other one never cause any trouble. Well I mean they fight and bomb each other all the time but at least they keep it in-house. They should get England to be more like them. How come oil never gets spilled on Big Ben? Why is there never taxation without representation at the Piccadilly Circus? Yeah just sit there sipping your ENGLISH tea while AMERICAN manatees are coated in YOUR oil. Pip pip, cheerio.

How to make it up to us?

First of all I demand to see the guards laugh. You know the ones, the fuzzy hat guys. and no laughing at British "humour," make them watch Seinfeld.

Secondly, your "Queen" should be forced to pose for pictures with our Burger "King," just to prove once and for all that the two of them have about equal power and influence in the world.

By the way don't ever go to the Piccadilly Circus. There's no tightrope or elephants or anything.

Why is every mailman afraid of dogs?

Hey if you don't like dogs, don't take that job! They are always gonna be around. It's like a park ranger being afraid of bees, or a rodeo champion being afraid of clowns.

Simple quiz for anyone that wants to be a mailman. If a strange dog comes up to you, do you:

a) Run away
b) Hit it with your bag of mail
c) LET IT SNIFF YOUR HAND PEACEFULLY
d) None of the above

The correct answer is c. If you don't get that right then sorry but you can't be a mailman.

I wonder if there is a mailman that is the exception to the rule. One that walks around acting badass and if a dog barks at him he doesn't even care. or if there's a barking dog in his path he lets out a big warrior cry and charges. He has battle scars, but is proud of them.

What is it about the mailman that makes dogs want to maul him? Other people come over to your house and the dog is good. Then suddenly, "Hey is that guy carrying a MAGAZINE? Kill!"

Luckily for the mailman, dogs never have a good attack strategy. No stealth. If they really want to "get" the mailman, they should hide behind a tree or something. Lurk in the bushes wearing a hat made out of leaves. But nope. Dogs would never win a war.

and what if some stray dog accidentally got loose in the post office somehow? That could get ugly. My hope is that all the mailmen would start barking at the dog until they ran him off. High fives all around.

People still writing checks

(or "cheques," if you're Canadian)

So I was at the liquor store this morning (yes morning, don't judge) and the lady in front of me decided to pay with a check. It was no big deal because of I am VERY PATIENT but the cashier was like "Oh my God you're writing a CHECK?" and started screaming for a manager to open another lane. It was all like "WE'RE VERY SORRY YOU HAD TO WAIT 30 SECONDS, SIR!"

Anyway I need to ask WHY DO SOME PEOPLE STILL WRITE CHEQUES IN STORES?

(See doesn't that look ridiculous? Fix your language, Canada.)

I can understand writing checks at certain times. You can't hand a credit card to a kid after his graduation. He don't take that.

How did checks get started? Who was the first person to accept one? The cashier must have been all skeptical, like when you try to pass one of those Pocahontas coins. "This is a new system! They just started it. The bank said everything would be cool."

Early 1900s McDonalds with "Now accepting CHECKS" on their billboard alongside "New invention: FRENCH FRIES!"

Then again maybe the check wasn't the reason for all the panic after all. Maybe the cashier spotted me and decided, "Oh my God OPEN ANOTHER LANE IMMEDIATELY. This man needs GIN."

Very considerate, if that was the case.