Soccer

Well for the better part of last week, half of Americans were actually getting into soccer. To their credit, the other half remained steadfast against it. These were mostly 20-somethings that wear hoodies in the summer and think everything "sucks," and also super American sports guys that watch full three-hour basketball games.

Anyway, whether you watched or didn't watch, if you're American you probably didn't know what was going on. So now I will tell you all about soccer.

Soccer was invented by ancient Chinese warriors that would kick around the heads of their vanquished foes to celebrate winning a battle. Eventually they made a game out of it with actual rules and stuff. and they all had hot moms for some reason. To this day, the tradition has continued, but it's a bit more structured.

If you incur a penalty in soccer, you are given a "card." There are yellow cards, red cards, and black cards. The yellow card is for a minor offense like tripping. If it's something more serious, like punching, you get a red card. The red card means you're kicked out of the game. If you do something REALLY bad you get the black card, which means you're banned from soccer for life. So far no one has ever received the black card.

The EXCITEMENT in soccer comes when somebody scores a goal. This usually happens one or no times per game. It's sort of like staring at an egg waiting for a baby chick to hatch. You wait for a long time and nothing happens, but when it finally DOES happen, woo boy!

Another thing about soccer is that they never stop the clock. They just play the whole half with no commercial breaks. Nobody can go to the bathroom! Also there's no time for the t-shirt cannon, kiss cam, mascot dance-off, sausage race, mule waterslide, etc. So yeah, Americans don't like it.

Do any countries like soccer LESS than America? Yes. The Dominican Republic, Canada, and the Vatican.

I am working on another script for Disney in which a cartoon animal is really good at soccer. The gag would be that he (or she!) has no legs, so he can only play with his head. But I haven't found the right animal yet. a snail? Too slow. a snake maybe? Fish and dolphins won't work.

Maybe instead of soccer it should be about a REALLY FAST snail that wins a RACE.

Idea overload. Any input, get back at me.