The Founding Fathers

Well, once again it is the 4th of July. America's most injurious holiday. But it is NOT just about people getting their heads blown off in fireworks mishaps. It is a celebration of our INDEPENDENCE. Here's a quick rundown of the people who made it possible.

George Washington

The first President! Best known for having wooden teeth. Really think about that for a second. Eating corn on the cob or Jolly Ranchers with wooden teeth. Teeth that you could set on FIRE if you wanted to. (Nickname: G-Money.)

Thomas Jefferson

The THIRD President. Best known for being very patient. He sent his minions Lewis and Clark to find the parts of America that weren't known or cared about yet. The results were disappointing.

"What did you find?"

"Oregon."

He died on the 4th of July, but amazingly it was not fireworks-related. (Nickname: Tom the Bomb.)

Benjamin Franklin

This guy was a pimp. He put Tiger Woods to shame. He also invented almost everything, including electricity and mail. For some reason he was never the President, but that's okay. He tried his best. (Nickname: B-Frank.)

Betsy Ross

Made the flag. She did not sign the Declaration of Independence because women were not allowed to sign things back then. It was probably for the best because women's signatures never look too official. All those unnecessary loops and hearts. Some people say that she didn't make the flag REALLY, but those people should shut-up. What, is Santa Claus dead too? (Nickname: None, she was a girl.)

Mark Twain

Not actually a Founding Father. But still a great man. He wrote Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn, and a way-less-popular version of the Bible that got thrown out. He is also considered to be one of the first COMEDIANS, but he died before comedy was popular. (Nickname: Sammy.)

Alexander Hamilton

Got drunk at a party and was talking shit about a guy named "Aaron Burr," who had been getting trounced in various Presidential and Gubernatiorial elections. With nothing left to lose, Aaron Burr was like "Oh YEAH, let's have a DUEL big-mouth!" and Alexander Hamilton was like "Fine." So they went to New Jersey one morning and did the thing. There was a brief conversation.

"Ready to DUEL you JERK?"

"Yes, you IDIOT."

"I AM GOING TO SHOOT YOU."

"Not if I shoot you FIRST."

"YOU ARE MAKING ME MAD!"

"Calm down."

"NEVER!"

Then they fired. Hamilton shot a tree, Burr shot Hamilton. But Aaron Burr ain't never been on money, so who REALLY won? (The answer: Burr.)

Alexander Hamilton was also the first ever Secretary of the TREASURY, but did not steal. George Washington always counted the money when his shift was over, and it was right every time. (Nickname: Hambone.)

For more information on the Founding Fathers you can go to wikipedia or school.

Enjoy the 4th! But let's all be SAFE. No throwing firecrackers in the potato salad. No sparkler jousts.