2012 Year in Review

Wow, what a bad year.  Not for me personally of course but people have been complaining more than EVER.

"No more guns!"

"Weather is getting too different!"

"Let's fire the Pope!"

GEEZ.

Everybody calm down.  It's New Year's Eve.  Please have a cocktail and enjoy my annual Year in Review.


The biggest news of the year was that the Mars Rover landed.  He is checking out the planet in case the citizens of Earth need to relocate someday.  Looks pretty good to me.

The other big story was the Wendy's spokesperson controversy.  The popular hamburger chain had been struggling for YEARS to replace its founder, the late great overweight Dave Thomas, as the "face" of the company.  So in 2012 they tried two different ideas.  The first was the REAL LIFE Wendy:

...thaaat did not go too well.  So they quickly upgraded to a FAKE real life "Wendy."

Sales of square meat are now through the roof.  But I have to wonder how the fat real Wendy is feeling.  Is she bitter?  Plotting revenge?  What action will be taken in 2013?  Someone should reach out to her.  Looking at you, Burger King.  Wouldn't she be perfect for your Superbowl ad?  All taking a bite of a square hamburger and spitting it out?  Then she says "SQUARE ain't FAIR but BROILED is ROYAL."  (TM Captain Dan)

Advertising is not hard, you just need to get people to cooperate.

Anyhoo, in celebrity news, Barack Obama was elected to a second term as President.

This news was not major, since nobody really ran against him.  His ACTUAL top rival is the FISCAL CLIFF.

The fiscal cliff became a looming threat throughout 2012.  It seems the economy is doomed because nobody can agree how to fix it.  Obama thinks rich people should just pay more.  That "Plan B" guy thinks that poor people should just learn to get by with less.  Bill Clinton thinks fat chicks are hot.

WHO IS CORRECT?  Time will tell, as usual.

So that about sums up life in the year 2012.  We ate nutrition bars and complained about Instagram.  We watched something called "2 Broke Girls."

We fished.

I look forward to seeing all of you in 2013 including Mayan people.  (OOPS, you were wrong AGAIN!)

I'll be in the car.


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The most popular Christmas present this year: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted December 29, 2007)

...was the GPS.  GPS stands for "global positioning system."  If you have not heard of it yet, it's a little device you keep in your car that tells you where to go.  "Turn left on Bugaboo Lane" and that sort of thing.  So it's kind of like a robot, but does not have a cool face and hook hands like a robot.

You see people hate getting lost, but they also hate stopping to ask for directions.  Everyone is afraid to get out of the car and ask a stranger how to get somewhere.  The stranger might say "DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING?" or "MAN, YOU ARE WAY OFF!" or something like that, and you would be ashamed.  The GPS doesn't judge you, it helps you get where you're going without robbing you of your dignity.  People are more comfortable getting their directions from a computer, same as porn.

Come to think of it, though, isn't it kind of insulting to receive a GPS as a gift?  "You seem to be kind of an idiot when it comes to directions, so here."  It's like getting a weight-loss video or a box of nicotine patches.  "I could see that you needed some help in this area, but were refusing to help yourself.  Merry Christmas."

Would people mind getting their directions from a robot that DID have a face and arms and stuff?  All sitting next to you in the car, staring out the window.

Robot: Turn left here.

You: Are you sure?

Robot: Of course I'm sure.  I'm a robot.  Look, now you missed the turn.

You: Fuck!

Robot: *sigh*

I think that would be kind of fun.  It gets lonely on the road, you know?


Other things a robot in the car would be good for:

1) Sing-alongs!

The robot could have a built-in karaoke machine, and even sing along with you so you wouldn't feel self conscious.

2) Feats of strength

Robots are very strong.  They can push the car out of snow or mud, change a flat tire without even needing a jack, etc.

3) Protection

If someone tries to carjack you, the robot gets out of the car and beats him up.


Not to mention that the robot is of course also a computer.  He has a monitor on his belly that you can watch porn on when you get to the hotel.


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Snow (EAT it!)

a lot of people don't like snow.  Especially old people.  They flee to the south, where they play golf and eventually die.

I like snow.  You can sculpt it, throw it at people, build stuff, etc.  Also it is very charming.  That's why people write those songs.

Brett Favre likes snow.  Airline pilots do not.  Which of those would you rather be?

a snow MAN is a curious thing.  It looks great at first, and then gets all dilapidated.

The people who root the most for a heavy snowfall are children that don't want to go to school and those that like to ski.  Those two groups don't agree on much else, besides that hot chocolate is good.

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Old toys: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted December 20, 2007)

The all-time dumbest toy was probably Etch-a-Sketch.  You could not draw anything, not even a tree.  Well maybe you could if you were diligent enough, but I never had the patience.  There is probably an Etch-a-Sketch world champion somewhere, some guy that drew a good picture of George Washington or a fish.

Mr. Potato Head is neat because he has a trap door for a butt.  Unfortunately, no one ever thinks to put anything in his butt besides his face, but he actually makes a good storage bin for things like buttons or jellybeans or marbles.

Fun fact: When Mr. Potato Head is full of pennies, he weighs over twenty-five pounds!

Was Easy Bake Oven cool?  I never had one because it was just for girls.  They should come out with a boy version where you can make little pizzas and nachos.

That was probably the only toy that encouraged children to put things in their mouths.  Why are small toy parts such a choking hazard?  Was there really ever a kid that started munching on a handful of Lite Brite pegs?  You can't get a kid at the dinner table to eat carrots or brussel sprouts, but for some reason they find it appetizing to suck down a Weeble.

a lot of times kids will get toys that are just fake versions of real things.  a play workbench, toy doctor equipment, fake plastic food, a toy gun, etc.  This is because it's fun for kids to "make believe."  I guess I can understand why it might be fun to pretend to shoot somebody, but a lot of that other stuff is kind of humdrum and boring.  "Look, kids!  You can pretend to hammer a nail!  Give someone an ear inspection!  Make a sandwich!"  Yeah don't have too much fun all at once, there.

Did Crazy Foam really need to be banned?  It's not like it tasted good.  Maybe kids were trying to shave with it.

(Toy idea: Fake shaving kit!)

(Another toy idea: Jumbo-size Slinky)


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Spaghetti Dinner Fundraiser

Is your church, school, or gun club in need of FUNDS?  Have a Spaghetti Dinner!

I see these things advertised all over the place, and always wonder who goes.  It's one thing if it's YOUR church or school and you want to socialize with people you know and be supportive, but when they advertise to the general public do they get many takers?

I have invented a new character called "Spaghetti Man."  Spaghetti Man goes to every Spaghetti Dinner Fundraiser he hears of, always alone and always first in line.  He wears a red ballcap and cape and has special spaghetti-eating utility gloves.  Otherwise he's just a regular person, it's very simple.

The problem is that while I really want Spaghetti Man to exist, I am unable to fill the role of the character myself.  I am too busy, can't "work nights," and don't wish to eat THAT much spaghetti.  But there certainly is someone reading this that hasn't become famous yet but would like to be.  Spaghetti Man could be your avenue.

It's such an easy part to play, you don't have to do much.  Just keep showing up and eventually you will become "known" for attending Spaghetti Dinners.  The hat, cape, and early arrival will automatically make you stand out.  Also, when the local media eventually show up to interview you, you always just give simple short answers to the questions.

Interviewer: Why do you go to so many Spaghetti Dinners, Spaghetti Man?

Spaghetti Man: I love 'em.

Interviewer: Which Spaghetti Dinner Fundraiser do you like best?

Spaghetti Man: All.

Your enigmatic persona will captivate the public, and soon your personal appearance will be in high demand.  Imagine if two churches are holding Spaghetti Dinners on the SAME NIGHT!  There will be so much SPECULATION.  "Which one will Spaghetti Man choose to attend?!"  (The obvious answer is both.)

From there you move on to paid appearances and endorsements.  Everyone will be excited when you SHOW UP, just like Guy Fieri.  Festivals, carnivals, TV commercials for Barilla, etc.  It's all easy money.

So if you think you would like to be Spaghetti Man, please e-mail me your resume and a brief cover letter and I'll put you under consideration.  The deal is you purchase the outfit and all the meals yourself (they're usually only like $2.50) and then I get 50% of all paid appearances and merchandising.  If you're thinking "Hey, there's nothing stopping me from STEALING this idea!" well, that's true but I'm not gonna endorse or promote you and therefore the REAL Spaghetti Man will ultimately trounce you.

Serious applicants only.

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Billy Mays fanfiction: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted December 12, 2007)

Okay my new idea is that in addition to infomercials, Billy Mays should also have a fictional action-adventure series in which he would use his various products to stop crimes and help the Earth.

Some ideas to get the ball rolling:

- Using Oxyclean to clean up a big oil spill that has endangered birds and Eskimos

- Pulling a broken-down schoolbus full of children out of a burning warehouse with Mighty Putty

- Rescuing abused circus animals from their shackles with the Crocodile Cutter

- Using the Gopher Reaching Tool to retrieve the President's keys out of the sewer

- Repairing a puncture in a plummeting hot air balloon with Sealtite Tire Sealant


Basically the show would be like a combination of MacGyver and Batman.  Billy Mays would wear a big utility belt with all his products on it.  At the end of the show you get a chance to call and buy whatever products he used that day.

See how that works?  He still gets to pitch his merchandise but we also get the fun of seeing Billy Mays in exciting and dangerous situations.  There would plenty of action, drama, fights, love scenes, mild cursing, etc.  I'm sure the show would be a hit.

Oh yeah also at the end of the series, Billy Mays gets married.  I know I'm thinking kind of far ahead but I really think that would make a good final episode.  I'm not sure which of his products could be best incorporated into the wedding, maybe Lint-B-Gone Lint Brush.


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The border patrol

Sometimes Americans want to go to Canada or Mexico.  That means you have to CROSS the BORDER.

There are tons of security precautions.  First of all for getting OUT, but even moreso for getting back IN.  You can't just yell out "I live here!" like when quarreling with an inexperienced doorman.

I appreciate the fact that they are attempting to keep America safe and secure, but I do NOT think it's right that they can ask you any kind of question they want.  and you have to answer quickly and honestly or else you're "suspicious."  What if you're just weird?

***EXAMPLE SCENARIO***

Guard: Are you an American?

Citizen: Yes, sir.

Guard: Why were you in Canada?

Citizen: I...I was working at someone's birthday party.

Guard: What were you doing there?

Citizen: I...was asked to be there, sir.  As a performer.

Guard: What kind of performer are you?

Citizen: I...I'm a mime.

Guard: You don't look like much of a mime.

Citizen: Well I don't wear the make-up while driving.

Guard: Also you're TALKING.

Citizen: I'm off duty, sir.  I'm sorry, I...

Guard: So you have working papers?

Citizen: No, I...I didn't get paid.

Guard: You didn't get paid?

Citizen: No, sir.

Guard: Why would you perform as a mime at a birthday party without being paid?  That sounds SUSPICIOUS.

Citizen: Well I do it...I do it because I like it, sir.

Guard: You like being a MIME?  How come?

Citizen: Well when I was 4 years old I saw this mime on TV and thought it was kind of neat and I don't know I DON'T KNOW I JUST DON'T KNOW DAMMIT I JUST WANT TO GO HOME.

Guard: Step out of the car, please.

Citizen steps out of the car.

Guard: Do the rope thing.

Citizen: What?

Guard: Act like you're pulling something on a rope, like mimes do.

Citizen does the rope thing.

Guard: Now act like you're trapped in a box.

Citizen acts like he's trapped in a box.

Guard: Now pretend to cry but with no sound.

Citizen pretends to cry but with no sound.

Guard: Alright, pretty good.  You have a nice day, sir.

Citizen: Thanks.


I mean it's not as bad as trying to get a on a PLANE.  At least you don't have to be naked.  Yet.

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Stop pretending to be part of Christmas if you're not: a 5-year FLASHBACK blog!

(Originally posted December 6, 2007)

I would like at least one restaurant or business to admit that a gift card from their location does not necessarily make a "great" Christmas gift.  I mean Office Depot?  Really?

"I noticed your printer was low on ink so I got you this Office Depot gift card.  Merry Christmas."

"Gee thanks, Santa."

Supermarkets have gift cards too.  You know you're a winner if you get one of those.  "I was gonna buy you a present but I thought you could use some food instead."  In other words they got you the same gift they would give to a homeless person.

No one can ever admit that their product, while possibly useful, isn't exactly something you want to find under your Christmas tree.  Even the post office tries to get in on it.  "Give the gift of STAMPS!"  They really should put "...if it's to someone you hate!" in parenthesis after that.

and if they keep pushing all these terrible gift ideas, that must mean someone is receptive to them.  It would suck to be that person's friend, to actually get pencils and stamps and a Dunkin Donuts gift card for Christmas.


There are only four practical Christmas presents you can ever give to an adult person:

1) Alcohol

2) Cigars

3) Candy

4) Omaha steaks


If people wanted anything else, they would just buy it.  Think about it.  Are there caps and sweaters that you want but don't have?  If so, it's probably not because you can't find or afford them.  It's because you're "saving" them as possible things other people can get you for Christmas.  (You won't get them though, you'll get a book you didn't want or else slippers.)

So don't overthink it, stick to my list.  The only way you'll ever screw up is if you pick the wrong thing for the wrong person, like giving chocolate to someone that is allergic to it or giving booze to someone that is Amish.  and even if that happens they can probably just trade.


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