Cures for the hiccups

The most common one is scaring the person.  If you see somebody suffering from the hiccups you are supposed to blow air into a paper bag and pop it right behind their head.  I guess sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  There isn't much available data.  There are other acceptable methods of attempting to scare the person, such as yelling "BOO!" or tossing a lit firecracker behind them at a safe distance.  There are also unacceptable methods, such as jumping out of a closet with a scary clown mask and knife and screeching "STOP HICCUPPINGGG!!!!!"  That could cause a heart attack and/or spontaneous peeing of the pants, both of which are worse than the hiccups.

Another popular remedy is breathing into a paper bag.  (What is it with hiccups and paper bags?  Such naturally organic enemies.)  Breathing in and out of the bag is supposed to cure the hiccups, but it doesn't always work.  I came up with this great technique where you linger behind the person breathing into the bag, then wait for them to fully exhale, then rush up and clap your hands over the bag real quick so that it pops and scares the hell out of them.  I call it the "Double Dutch."  I've only pulled it off once in life, but it worked.  That girl sure was mad, though.  I wonder who she was?

Other alleged "cures" include eating sugar, holding your breath, standing upside-down, leeches, and prayer.  None of these are confirmed to work.  See, it's tough to do research on hiccup cures because there's really no way to INDUCE hiccupping.  There is no National Hiccupping Institute, which surprised me, considering who's currently in office.

The only way to find a sure-fire cure seems to be through field research.  I have some ideas that I think might work, but since there are so rarely hiccupping people near me (I don't go out much), I need some volunteers to test them out.

The first idea is to have the victim stare into the sun.  Everyone knows you are not supposed to stare into the sun, but my theory is that if you do it just for a LITTLE while the human brain will instinctively shift its focus from esophagural irritation to the much more important protection of the retina.  Again, it's just theory, so be careful if you try it.  If the patient is staring into the sun for a long time and still hiccupping/screaming, please abort the experiment and immediately cover the hiccupper's head with a shroud of some kind, or if you don't have one, a paper bag.  (THAT thing again.)

Another idea is to suggest to the patient that the hiccups can be cured by swallowing a spoonful of dog or cat food.  (The mushy kind.)  The person will not want to do this, so it will take a lot of convincing.  Tell them it's a family secret you inherited from your "Grandpappy" or somebody like that.  They still won't do it, but guess what?  After talking about it for awhile, the hiccups will have gone away all by themselves.  Again, that's my THEORY, at least.  Plus, it wasn't pet food, it was a cold spoonful of Campbell's Chunky Chili all along.  Then you both have a good laugh, and the hiccups are all but forgotten.  Plus you get to eat the chili.

I also think that maybe the hiccups could be cured if you were to inhale the air from a helium balloon.  That thing that people do intentionally so they can talk all funny with the really high voice immediately afterwards.  Might work, might not.  That's what makes it an experiment.  and if it somehow DOESN'T work, think about how funny those hiccups are going to sound right after inhaling all that helium.  Be sure to have a camera rolling because you may have just captured America's Funniest Home Video!

If you win I expect a portion of the proceeds to go to my favorite charity.

Or else.

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