Heart attacks!

Other than the Big C, heart attacks are probably my main health concern.  I have been fortunate enough in life to never have to deal with day-to-day health problems like dandruff and syphilis, so I only focus on the real sudden shit.  They say a heart attack could occur at any time.  I imagine it's like if you actually win at Bingo, except complete opposite.

See I keep seeing all these Bayer Aspirin commercials (or as immature schoolyard children call them, "Gayer" Aspirin commercials) in which it's suggested that the healthiest person in the world could just have a heart attack out of nowhere.  "I'm a marathon runner and I never thought *I* would have a heart attack but I did.  True story."  "I'm 30 years old and I had a massive heart attack in my driveway on Christmas morning."

It's never a big fat guy saying "I had just eaten the glazed donut burger at the ballgame with double mayo and all of a sudden I had a heart attack.  I was SHOCKED.  Thank God for Bayer."


There's always a sign advising people that are prone (yes PRONE) to heart attacks to not go on the roller coaster.  I wonder if some of those people do anyway.  "I'll chance it."  Imagine if you are afraid of roller coasters in the first place but then get stuck sitting next to a heart attack guy who drops dead at the first descent.  That's like EXPONENTIAL terror.

a lot of strange things can potentially happen while on a roller coaster.  You're all trapped in and helpless.  Even Fabio proved to be no exception.  He got hit in the face by a goose.  (For real.)

Sometimes people get stuck at the top of a roller coaster for a LONG TIME.  Like if there's a safety concern.  What if they have to go to the bathroom?  The solution might SEEM obvious, but keep in mind that some of them are women and they are usually the ones that have to pee.

Can you still go on the water rides if you are prone to heart attacks?  I hope so, those are fun.  If I ever have one I'm gonna go down the flume as soon as I get out of the hospital.  I like it when ladies lift their shirts up when they are aware that their picture is about to be automatically taken.

(I couldn't find a good photo of such an instance, but here is what Fabio looked like after the goose hit him in the face.)

Also if you ever DO suffer a heart attack in your driveway on Christmas morning, I hope it's while attempting to surprise your wife with a luxury car with a big bow on it.


Click HERE.