Stupid Monopoly cat

In case you somehow didn't hear, the corporate STOOGES at Hasbro have once again proven to have no integrity and have tainted their most popular game.  The beloved iron, an "original six" game token, is slated to be replaced by...a cat.

This decision was made based on the results of an INTERNET POLL.  a PUBLIC internet poll, the kind where there's nothing stopping someone from voting multiple times to help skew (yes SKEW) the results.  Now you may be asking, "What kind of person would bother to take the time to DO such a thing?"  Gee, I dunno.  Maybe someone with a lot of time on their hands.  Maybe someone who is at their computer a lot.  Maybe a GOD DAMN SHUT-IN THAT LIVES WITH A BUNCH OF CATS.

Monopoly tokens are sacred to lovers of the game.  People don't pick the thimble because they like thimbles.  It's because they like THE thimble.  Nobody likes top hats, but people like THE top hat.  Those voting for the cat were surely not Monopoly fans.  They were cat people.

Wretched, bathrobe-wearing cat people.  The kind who have never thrown a frisbee to a happy dog or been on a waterslide.  They live and work amongst us, trying to blend in, but are easy to spot.  Take note of people's keychains.  Keep an eye out for Garfield comic strips taped up in the cubicle.

Hasbro did not take this vote seriously at all.  If they had, they would have summoned a council of former Monopoly World Champions and held an emergency summit to determine the fate of the iron and the possibility of adding a new token to the game.  If the decision was then made to do so, it should have been a lot like this thing that's going on with the Pope.  You don't let just ANYBODY vote on a new Pope.  It's too IMPORTANT.  There would be nothing wrong with the Vatican website setting up an online "Pope Poll" to gather the public's OPINION, but you would never let them just wave somebody in like happens in high school elections.  It can't be a popularity contest.  It's the Pope.

So what can hardcore Monopoly enthusiasts do at this point?  Well first of all, hold on to your irons!  Don't lose that thing, keep it in a safe place.  Bring it to your next Monopoly night to SPITE anyone that opts to be the cat.  It will add to the game's intensity.  The cat and iron will always be enemy tokens now.

When you win you can say "Cats have nine lives, but the IRON will live FOREVER" and throw a few Monopoly dollars in the person's face.

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