Barbie

Girl toys are inferior.  The reason?  No fighting.  He-man fought with Skeletor.  G.I. Joe fought with Cobra.  Barbie doesn't fight with anybody.  (Which, come on, have you ever MET a GIRL?  That's pretty unrealistic.)

Imagine a Barbie MOVIE.  What would happen in it?  She would drive her corvette around, hang out in her jacuzzi for awhile, change clothes 95 times, and then go to her job at the pet clinic.

Like any PROPER protagonist, she needs an arch-nemesis.  Therefore I propose...

...Ruth.

Ruth is dark-haired, SLIGHTLY overweight, single, and bitter.  Also the Ruth doll's hair smells like trashy perfume and a box of red wine mixed in a cheap blender.

How come there has never been a scented Barbie?  There should be one that smells like a mermaid that is also a princess.  It would be the all-time top seller.


Back when Cabbage Patch Dolls were all the rage, some parents could not afford them.  So they tried to fool their children by sewing together a home-made version.

Imagine a home-made Barbie.  All weird and warped and flat-chested.  and married.


It is no secret that Barbie dolls spend 99% of their time naked and/or headless.  Ken, too.  How did they decide how to appropriately sculpt these naked doll anatomies?  Were there MEETINGS?

Corporate Stooge #1: How do we address the Ken doll's...thing?

Corporate Stooge #2: Glad you asked.  I suggest a faint bulge.  Here are some drawings.


There has been a Barbie doll created for nearly every occupation. Girls want to dream and relate. ("Now she's a NURSE.  Now she works at MCDONALDS." etc.)

How come there's no handicapped versions?  There can't be a blind Barbie?  The accessories would be easy.  Sunglasses and a cane.  Maybe a dog.

Blind children would enjoy such a thing, especially young boys going through puberty.

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